to just not "parent" tonight?

[ungratefulbrattykids]

single parent to two young teens - work full time. Both are in full on selfish ungrateful brat mode. Nothing is ever enough - they want more, better, different, quicker, whatever. They are mithering about dinner, if I mention homework or revision for their exams they'll bite my head off and their uniform is all over their respective floors. AIBU to just not tonight. Not pick it up so its nice and to hand for the morning, not run through all the options until they graciously pick (different) stuff for dinner, not go out and spend money I don't have on whatever bastard thing they insist they desperately want NOW, not remind them and help them with homework but leave them to it and let them bear any consequences. AIBU to let them pick at whatever they choose to make themelves and just basically leave them to it? Just once? My largely absent ex thinks I am terrible parent when I DO do all of it all of the time, so maybe I just won't? I'm even being hassled as I type this to get off MY computer so that they can use it for games and how long will I be and why I am using it and why am so selfish for using it just when they want to (they have their own but mine is quicker). And so on..... grrrrr.

@Sapphire387
. Because you do it gently, in calm happy times, you involve them, ask them, include them, let them choose from a list.

You motivate them, not shout at them or make then feel resentful.
It happens in increments as said my way isn't perfect but every summer I increase what they can do. Both have a job to do every week, both can do basics. Build upon it...

I avoid the morning tantrums since both have some history of school refusal and I'm always petrified that a crisis will tip over into not going at all. I tend to sacrifice the "tough love" approach on the altar of "whatever gets them there". Anyone who has dealt with EBSA might get what I mean here. I'm not trying to make excuses, just that there are other factors at play that make the straightforward approach not necessarily appropriate. As a pp said, as an SP it's the relentless loneliness of it that's do hard. It's ALL on me. Ex wouldn't have them, never wanted more than eow at best. His time with them could not ever be described as real parenting as it's high days and holidays only with no stress, deadlines or day to day chores.

@ungratefulbrattykids what's ebsa.

Also why are you they school refuses

This. My 3 year old quite easily puts her dirty clothes in the wash basket or the machine. How you're still doing this for teenagers I don't know.
Stop. Now. They'll learn quick enough!

Exactly what I came on to say. Giving them options for dinner? What are you ? A restaurant? Maid? I don't understand why you're doing it all. That's not parenting. Parenting is teaching responsibilities, life skills, consequences

@Summerwhereareyou it's Emotionally Based School Avoidance. Increasingly common post COVID , linked to anxiety and often autism. It's not a simple thing to parent through, especially alonrvwhen you're trying not to get fired for absenteeism.

Oh and they have wildly different food preferences neither of which coincide with mine. Hence different food.

I feel your pain. It’s got a bit like that my house. Trying to dig out of these habits is tough 😘

Thank you @Sazza463

I don't think you can expect a young teenager to have that level of empathy and understanding. I think their brains just aren't there yet, and it's unfair to blame them for that. Don't try to control how they feel, there's research that trying to force or guilt kids to feel a certain way is psychological damaging.

It's your job as the adult to design family life so that everyone's needs are met - including your own. If you want to follow your own mother's example, that's fine, but it's a choice and needs to be done without resentment. Or you could enforce a more equal and fair chore share.

Parenting is all about teaching them how to function as adults.
Give them advance notice that you will not wash anything not in the basket, and you will not be running around after them in the morning.
At 7-8pm nightly they have to get everything ready for the following day, and you are prepared to assist if needed in that hour.
Perhaps start a rota for chores. Washing up, putting away, whatever. You can find A4 sized magnetic whiteboards in supermarkets, pop a couple on the fridge.
They can tick off when they have done their task.
I was doing my own washing and ironing from about 11-12, and would put the sunday roast on while others were at church from that age, too. So it is ok for teens to pitch in and learn how to do things. They might discover a love of cooking, you never know!
It is tough at this stage. Can you communicate how you feel about this to them?

Why on Earth are you giving them a choice of dinner? I didn’t have a choice as a child, I don’t give choices to my children.

This is the issue with modern parenting, we think giving constant choice and negotiation to small kids is helping them to be assertive and feel respected but it actually just makes them bratty and intolerant.

Tough love. It’s their uniform. Their homework/revision. Rotate who cooks. If it’s you, one meal for everyone. My mum would drop dead at the notion of asking your kids what they want for dinner. They need to learn they are fortunate to have food, clothes and a home

@ManchesterGirl2

Put much more better than me.

Op be kind to yourself they will be absolutely fine.

Nah! They clearly know best so defer to them and have some chocolate/wine/whatever (and don’t share!)

Not everyone gets it at uni though. I remember having to show two guys how to use a washing machine and one couldn’t cook pasta or boil an egg.

I’ve got DSC a bit older than your DC and they’ve been able to make simple meals for years and know how to look after their belongings. Neither DH nor I are skivvies for anyone but the baby and the 4 year old makes her bed, puts her clothes in the basket, puts clean clothes away properly, dresses herself and can be very useful in the kitchen. This evening she pealed and chopped mushrooms, measured spices, put the peelings in the bin etc.

Age appropriate tasks, not least the ones that only benefit themselves, are so important and it’s not all lost when they hit adolescence. If they’re used to pitching in they don’t automatically stop when they get into double digits or become awash with hormones. DSS is academic, sporty, riotous social life but also bakes cakes for his friend’s birthdays and can whip up a stir fry.

I hear how hard you find things and I sympathise. My mum was on her own and had 4 of us very close together. We had to pitch in and knew we all had a part to play in keeping things ticking over so we didn’t all live in a shit tip. She’s amazing but no one can do it all without losing the plot sometimes. Life skills are exactly that and children can feel really good about themselves when they learn new things.

They sound every disrespectful.

Maybe it’s because my children are older but back then there were no daily options discussions for dinner, it was what I cooked (I would make slight variations and ensure it was what everyone liked having discussed options every Sunday before food shopping). The bedrooms were tidied before they had access to tv/technology/going out after school/sixth form, uniforms were done on Sunday night, if they’d have crumpled them then they’d have needed to sort them.

I wouldn’t have allowed them to use my laptop, they had their own things to occupy them. Bothering you for it sounds quite entitled?

If they were ungrateful they wouldn’t have got anything.

I don’t think you just bit doing anything for one day will make a difference tbh.

I think you could pass a lot of the home stuff over. A couple of meals each a week. Shopping. Meal planning. Doing their own washing from A-Z.

Keep doing what you need to do in the mornings.

Maybe meal plan as a family. They can each pick three evening meals, then you get day seven. Everyone eats the same, but if you put it in the middle they can dip into the bits they prefer. So if you make spag bol, one can just have the spaghetti and salad and garlic bread if they don't like the ragu the other two are having etc.

Tell them you’ll be using your computer tonight. Go into your room and watch something.

Well it sounds like you’ve never let them learn the consequences of their behaviour.
If they leave their uniform on the floor they go to school the next day looking a state.
If they don’t do their homework they get in trouble at achool
If they don’t like the dinner that’s on offer they don’t get any.
All you’ve taught them is that mummy will sort it so they don’t have to bother. You’ve done them no favours here OP.