For not wanting pregnant woman around for my miscarriage?

TheTinWoman · 2023-05-17T11:55:53+00:00

I understand things aren't always ideal, but is it wrong that I'm struggling with this? My stepmum who I share house with, and who knows I'm having a miscarriage, has invited round her daughter to stay, who is visibly pregnant. I'm bedridden atm, but when I can get up, it's hard to face her, on top of all the pain I'm in. I don't mean to be a megabitch. AIBU?

Ahwelltoobad · 17/05/2023 12:59

Oh, poor you! That must really be hard on you (altough I really hope it's not intentional on your stepmum's part). I really feel for you

Sunbird24 · 17/05/2023 13:00

No, it’s really hard to be confronted with other people’s seemingly problem-free pregnancies when yours has gone so horribly wrong. Your feelings are totally normal, and I’m sorry that your stepmum is being insensitive.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 17/05/2023 13:01

So sorry that you're going through a miscarriage. It's not wrong that you don't want to be around pregnant women at this time.
However, your step-mum has invited her daughter round to her own house. Her daughter. Who is pregnant and possibly needs some support from her mum.

Unless there is a backstory and your step-mum and step-sister are generally cruel people.

Sissynova · 17/05/2023 13:03

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s going to be tough no matter what.

But it’s not like she’s having a whole bunch of random people over, it’s her house and it’s her daughter so I think YABU.

I think you’re focusing on this and blowing it out of proportion.

TomatoSandwiches · 17/05/2023 13:04

Unless you have good reason to believe she has done so maliciously then I think you'll just have to concentrate on yourself and not think about it, unfortunately you are living in someone else's house, you don't get to dictate who is welcome or not, sorry.

AIbaa · 17/05/2023 13:05

YANBU for feeling that way, but it's her house so unfortunately YABU

StaySpicy · 17/05/2023 13:07

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been there and it's horrible. 💐

YANBU not to want to be around pregnant women. However, this is your step-sister who is visiting her mum. Unless there's a backstory about how you think your step-mum might be doing this deliberately to hurt you, it's something you're going to have to be strong about.

Allow yourself to hurt and look after yourself how you need to while she's staying (avoid the room she's in/stay in bed).

JudgeRudy · 17/05/2023 13:10

I'm sorry you're going through this but yes, I do think you're being unreasonable to expect your step-mum to be unable to have her daughter stay simply because she's pregnant.
I don't think you're being a bitch of any kind to be upset but it might not be convenient simply to adjust the visit so she's not being inreasonable either. It's a very sad occasion all round . Maybe say at the start of her visit that you're not in a good place so might have emotional outburst but that it's not personal. Anyone half decent will understand this and I'm sure the daughter will feel for you. Don't view her as a competitor. This is her time and so far things have gone well but as you know, life can change in the blink of an eye. I hope you both get what you wish for ❤️

Original poster

TheTinWoman · 17/05/2023 13:23

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. Feeling quite ill, so it's hard to do anything really.

Stepfamily are recent additions and in-laws, so more like acquaintances really.

SIL doesn't speak to me normally, so it's a bit stressful, unfortunately. I wish her all the best, just wish for a bit more sensitivity right now. There have also been other people over, and it's all been quite festive, just a bit more than I can bear.

Perhaps I should go to a hotel until I'm well?

OP posts:

Vikingthings · 17/05/2023 13:27

No you aren't unreasonable for this at all. I miscarried last year and have gone through fertility struggles. I have found being around pregnant people very hard and have also declined several baby shower invites.

I think your stepmum could have been a bit more sensitive but if you're living in SMs house then she is fair to invite her daughter round. I would book yourself a nice little room or lodge for a few days away if you can afford it.

Original poster

TheTinWoman · 17/05/2023 13:42

@StaySpicy @Vikingthings Thank you for sharing. So tough. I hope you both are recovering well. <3

OP posts:

sukiwh · 17/05/2023 13:47

So sorry you’re going through this OP. So, so sorry. I am really surprised at some of the responses here, and think your DSM should not have done this at this time. Seeing pregnant women is agonising when you’re still raw from miscarriage. Can you partner or dad have a word with them?

TomatoSandwiches · 17/05/2023 13:55

Can you not stay at your partners home? He should be trying to help you really if he can, but if you'd prefer a hotel then that's a good second option.

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 17/05/2023 13:56

I lost a baby at 16 weeks last year, the world doesnt stop. I dont mean to sound cold but you are being quite selfish expecting people not to go about their daily lives, it is a private experience, not a moment for national mourning. I'd suggest you pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself.

nicericey · 17/05/2023 14:00

Why do you share a house with your stepmum? Tbh I'd look into moving out. Not now obviously.

Unless she's usually nasty then I can't imagine anyone would do this intentionally to hurt someone.

nicericey · 17/05/2023 14:03

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 17/05/2023 13:56

I lost a baby at 16 weeks last year, the world doesnt stop. I dont mean to sound cold but you are being quite selfish expecting people not to go about their daily lives, it is a private experience, not a moment for national mourning. I'd suggest you pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself.

Bit harsh!!! OP "dust yourself off" on your own timescale. I'm so sorry this is happening take care.

Vikingthings · 17/05/2023 14:04

I lost a baby at 16 weeks last year, the world doesnt stop. I dont mean to sound cold but you are being quite selfish expecting people not to go about their daily lives, it is a private experience, not a moment for national mourning. I'd suggest you pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself.

It is a no from me on this response. People process grief differently and miscarrying does not have to be taboo or a private experience, at all. Personally all my friends and family knew about our loss and if I didn't want to interact with pregnant people then I told them why.
If you wanted to do what you did then that's fine but it's not how everyone deals with loss. I am sorry you lost your baby and I hope you are OK.

whataglorious · 17/05/2023 14:09

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 17/05/2023 13:56

I lost a baby at 16 weeks last year, the world doesnt stop. I dont mean to sound cold but you are being quite selfish expecting people not to go about their daily lives, it is a private experience, not a moment for national mourning. I'd suggest you pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself.

What an awful way to speak to somebody going through a loss, I'm sorry for your loss but you really should know better than to say something so cruel. Not a time for national mourning, really?! How bitchy that comment was.

Op I'm sorry for your loss, it's awful it really is, I couldn't be around anyone pregnant either. It's hard. Just maybe stay out of the way until you're feeling a little stronger.

Violetsrosesandchocolate · 17/05/2023 14:10

YA definitely NBU and I’m also surprised at the responses saying you are. Extremely insensitive of your stepmum, of course you don’t want to be around pregnant women and at this time your need for a safe space as a woman miscarrying trump your step sisters need to visit. Don’t let anyone make you feel you’re being unreasonable as you are most definitely not. Sorry you are going through this, I’ve been there and it’s so hard. X

Violetsrosesandchocolate · 17/05/2023 14:12

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 17/05/2023 13:56

I lost a baby at 16 weeks last year, the world doesnt stop. I dont mean to sound cold but you are being quite selfish expecting people not to go about their daily lives, it is a private experience, not a moment for national mourning. I'd suggest you pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself.

I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you but it really does take a special kind of cruelty and lack of empathy to tell a miscarrying women she’s being selfish and to dust herself off. Jesus wept.

dudsville · 17/05/2023 14:20

You have my sympathy. When I was going through that almost all of my firneds were pregnant. One of them said something to me that I couldn't forgive and I've not seen her since. That's unlike me, but it's such a complex time. Your StepMum must be so excited aboiut her daughter's pregnancy, so I would anticipate the coming months to be tough, they'll want to talk about.

BombasticSideEye · 17/05/2023 14:25

Sorry you're going through this OP.

Do you have a support system of your own? You mention sharing a house with your Step mother but no mention of parent or partner, I hope you have people around to be there for you x

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2023 14:26

Step family are a recent addition and in-laws

Are you saying you live at your partner’s dad’s house and he recently got married and moved his new wife and now her daughter is coming over / to stay? Unfortunately if this is the case, I don’t think you have a choice in the matter. If this were your dad’s wife, perhaps it would be a little different.

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 17/05/2023 15:01

Violetsrosesandchocolate · 17/05/2023 14:12

I’m so sorry to hear what happened to you but it really does take a special kind of cruelty and lack of empathy to tell a miscarrying women she’s being selfish and to dust herself off. Jesus wept.

Show quote history

45% vote that OP is being unreasonable, so I'm not alone, nor am I cruel, I'm just pragmatic. Everyone handles life differently, I didnt say it was selfish to feel low, but it is selfish to expect the house to be in mourning, or to expect her dads wife not to see her own daughter in her own home. This really sounds like a bigger picture of resentment over the living situation to me.

OP, get some sleep, take some painkillers and remember there is a lot of life left out there to live. Your time will come again.

Hillarious · 17/05/2023 15:31

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 17/05/2023 13:56

I lost a baby at 16 weeks last year, the world doesnt stop. I dont mean to sound cold but you are being quite selfish expecting people not to go about their daily lives, it is a private experience, not a moment for national mourning. I'd suggest you pick yourself up and dust yourself off. The only person you are hurting by feeling this way is yourself.

This is exactly the approach they had in the hospital when I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. It was absolutely the right advice for me. I was told they weren't worried and that I shouldn't be worried either, so I left hospital disappointed but not distraught. I found it more distressing when I was approached in my hospital bed and asked if I wanted counselling.