For not wanting pregnant woman around for my miscarriage?

[TheTinWoman]

I understand things aren't always ideal, but is it wrong that I'm struggling with this? My stepmum who I share house with, and who knows I'm having a miscarriage, has invited round her daughter to stay, who is visibly pregnant.

I'm bedridden atm, but when I can get up, it's hard to face her, on top of all the pain I'm in. I don't mean to be a megabitch. AIBU?

Op, I miscarried last November and I still don't want pregnant women around. It's your right to grieve and be left alone. This is so rude! I am so, so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss

It’s her pregnant daughter, she can’t turn her away. It’s possible she is struggling with her pregnancy and needs her mum’s support.

Who is taking care of you as you are bedridden?

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through a miscarriage. And I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all - even though it’s your step mum’s daughter, I would expect her to meet at her daughter’s house or out for a coffee or something. It’s very insensitive to bring a pregnant woman over while you’re miscarrying. I hope you’re ok

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I think you have to try to cope with this situation. Unfortunately, your step mother's daughter will be around the house from time to time over the coming months during her remaining pregnancy and with a new baby. You will still be finding things hard at that point, but I don't think you can reasonably request your step mother to not have her daughter around now or in the coming months.

What a horrible thing to say to somebody who is losing her baby.

If, as the OP suggests, her stepmother has invited her daughter to ‘stay’, she presumably lives at a distance…

Sympathies, OP. This is a difficult timid for you. I don’t think you can attempt to control who someone sees in their own house, especially if you don’t know one another at all well. Do you have your own support network?

@milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard were you this cruel before you miscarried or should I be more sensitive to you as it's a side effect of what is one of the worst experiences that can happen to a woman??

Honestly I was similar during and after my miscarriage, not every woman reacts the same way as the op, some people are just more practical and carry on as close to normal as well, nothing wrong with that either.

The set up is not very clear from your posts OP but I think context is key as to how unreasonable it is.

Whose house is it? Have you always lived with your parent or did you move back home recently? If you moved back recently was it before or after stepmum moved in? If you're living in your parent's house that stepmum also lives in then you can't really stop someone inviting their family to stay in their own home. If you have always lived in this house (as opposed to moving back home after living alone) then I can see why you feel like your new step mum is overstepping by inviting a visitor in while you're suffering in your own home but it is her home too and she is allowed her family to visit.

Is there nowhere else you could go? Do you have a partner you could stay with?

Also, how far away does the step mum's daughter live and how long has the visit been planned? If she lives locally then I can see why it would be insensitive for her to come and stay at your house, especially under the circumstances, but if she lives miles away and the visit has been organised for weeks/months then it would be really unreasonable for you to ask them to change the plans at such a late stage (they may not be able to afford to cancel the trip if they've already bought tickets that can't be refunded, or they may not be able to afford a hotel for the duration of their stay etc)

It depends really. Whose house is it? How often does stepmum's daughter have an opportunity to visit? It's not unreasonable for whoever owns the house to invite guests over and sometimes you have limited opportunities to do so.

Are you expected to be social or could you make an excuse and lie low?

Sorry you're in this situation as it sounds very difficult for you.

It's a YABU from me, it's an entirely different pregnancy, her pregnancy it's nothing related to yours and the world doesn't stand still.

Due respect, but I think that if you want to control who enters the house you live in, you have to pay for your own house. While you're living with and off someone else, you simply aren't going to have that control.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Side stepping the SM/daughter issue, people need to stop suggesting people aren't being practical by not just cracking on after a miscarriage.

You have no idea the person's individual circumstances surrounding the pregnancy or the loss. It is also not always physical possible to just carry on.

If you wouldn't tell somebody to dust themself off and carry on after the death of a loved one, don't tell them to do it with a miscarriage.

Really archaic attitude to miscarrying. I wonder if these people hide themselves away when on their periods too, like people used to back in the day...

Unfortunately you don't really have a choice assuming you are living in someone else's house, the other pregnancy isn't going to go away. If you are struggling could you stay elsewhere for at least a few days or perhaps it's time to move out?

Not at all, it's just that there's nothing you can do is there, it's a process, I'm not suggesting people shouldn't feel upset but some of us are more comfortable drawing a line under it and get back to normal ASAP, helps to us to cope.

If you were in an accident and lost a leg you wouldn't realistically want or think it's ok to avoid people who still had both of theirs would you?

Sorry to say but op doesn't live alone, best not to wallow and instead manage her expectations in her circumstances, she can't control other people guests unfortunately.

YANBU, stepmum sounds as tactless as fuck. So sorry you’re going through this x

Not at all, it's just that there's nothing you can do is there, it's a process, I'm not suggesting people shouldn't feel upset but some of us are more comfortable drawing a line under it and get back to normal ASAP, helps to us to cope.

I agree that the daughter/SM thkng is unfortunate but is what it is as OP isn't in her own house, a weekend away or similar might be nice for the OP.

I really struggled getting back to normal after my MC, I tried to straight away but after a month, had a breakdown. I've got secondary infertility and it was really, really hard. I struggled with my MH for about 6 months after and the best thing I could have done for myself in those earlier days was process it and allow myself to grieve.

My friend has also recently lost a baby (ectopic) and can't go out or do anything because of the op.

It's really personal for everyone, everyone deals with the grief differently but I think the wording around dusting off and carrying on etc needs to be so careful...not everyone can do that, and it might not be the right thing for everyone.

I've lost a baby at 22w and at 16w, and a MC at 10w for good measure. I am as pragmatic and "get on with it" as you like. Two/three years on I still struggle to be around pregnant women. It is what it is.

Of course you're not being unreasonable to feel as you do OP, it seems unthinking of your SM to do this. Of course she's entitled to invite them but it doesn't make it any easier for you. Your home should be the place where you don't have to "just get on with it" when you're not feeling up to it.

Wishing you well in the future.

As I understand it OP is miscarrying at the moment. Telling her to get over it while it is still happening is very unfeeling.

I'm so sorry OP. It's a horrible experience. Have you no other family you could go and stay with?

What the hell? I’ve had three mcs and I got on with life ok but there is no way I would have wanted to be with pregnant women in my house!!!

It’s deeply insensitive of her and suggests she isn’t thinking of you at all - YANBU

Of course there's nothing wrong with either approach. What is wrong is telling someone who is currently having a miscarriage to "dust themselves off"

Many years ago I miscarried in the November and my nephew was born in the December just 6 weeks later. I was only 8 weeks though and no body knew, I didn’t resent her being around or any other pregnant woman either.

How far are you and does everyone know, it does seem a bit insensitive though, how long is she staying? Have you moved into your DSM home or is she in yours?

What an absolutely horrible, insensitive post. Shame on you!

I don't care whose house it is or isn't, it's pretty insensitive. Hope you get through this OK.