Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you the kind of mum you thought you’d be

62 replies

Andsothestorygoesdidadum · 17/05/2023 11:05

And what were the things that you were looking forward to and now don’t enjoy and vice versa?

I had my Dd, 4, later in life due to infertility, but I was also nervous about giving up my freedom and v carefree life full of travel and fun.
I’ve always loved kids and thought babies were cute, but I wasn’t particularly maternal in that respect and was more of a pal to kids I knew.
I ended up being a co -sleeping, breastfeeding mum, v gentle parenting compared to some I know and haven’t been out with Dh properly since she was born (i’m not being a martyr, I’m ok with this) I barely drink nowadays ( v wild when younger)
I assumed I’d put Dd in another room when she was born, give her a cuddle and off I’d go to enjoy my evenings having a wine with Dh. She still makes her way into our bed at night and we lie down next to her to get her to sleep after stories etc, I continued bfing her to sleep until she was 3.
I became a Sahm for her first four years, in the past having worked full time all
my life, I couldn’t have imagined anything worse or more boring, I’ve enjoyed it (it’s been bloody hard at times! 😅)
I’m an ex teacher and was very big on education, now I don’t believe in homework and children sitting at desks in uniforms learning at age 4 (I’m abroad so my Dds experience of school is learning through play until age 6, when it becomes more formal) and I agree with this 100%

I’ve basically become the total opposite of how I thought I’d be 🤣

Things I thought I’d like/enjoy: The school run and school type things-WhatsApp group etc…hate it and try to duck in and out as quickly as possible

Things I thought I’d hate: Being a Sahm, baby/kids groups, play dates, pushing a pram, breastfeeding etc

Are you the mum you thought you’d be?

OP posts:
mercibucketed · 17/05/2023 11:48

No, I'm the mum I thought I'd be

I breastfed both my children, prioritise education and we are all good wee mates

I was beaten as a child/teenager and I swore I'd never even raise my voice to my children, they're very good to be fair and I'm chilled out

I did hate going to the park though. I thought I'd enjoy the park/farm/soft play etc. but I detest them - I endured them for the greater good

FatAgain · 17/05/2023 11:54

I had the best mum in the world and as we’ve always been so similar,‘ I thought I’d be great! I’m not! Far more impatient than I thought I’d be and am turning to to a control freak over exams which I need to rein in.

On the plus side I don’t ever need to really discipline them and they never fight so we have a very chilled family life. We’re good chums and dream of travelling the work together when they’re older. Friendship and adventure is basically the bits I successfully snaffled from my mum.

wibblewobbleball · 17/05/2023 11:56

I'm much more shouty than I thought I would be and get easily overwhelmed with the sensory experience of having small children.

DelilahJane · 17/05/2023 11:57

I always thought I'd be a bit like Lois from Malcolm in the middle... Turns out I'm Hal.

underneaththeash · 17/05/2023 11:58

Oddly, yes...I'm firm, but fair and fun but still parent properly.

WandaWonder · 17/05/2023 12:01

I am normally really sure as although I looked after lots of children over the years I had never had my own so didn't really have any pre conceived ideas of what I would be like, I was just me with a child

spidereggs · 17/05/2023 12:02

No, not at all.

I spent fifteen years suffering from loss after loss.

When dd1 arrived I was pushing forty.

I had imagined working and children being in nursery.

I was a senior partner by the time she arrived and I left, I'm now at home. I BF, co slept, she's four and still sleeps in my bed. The next two came along in quick succession and we have a very big bed.

I've bought a caravan, I hate caravans, and we spend weekends there on the beach.

I grow fruit and veg, I have chickens, and I'm never out of casual wear.

I've never left them, except mornings nursery, I always said they would stay with family, reality is family all older or have teens and no longer interested in wee ones.

I'm much more routine based than I expected. I would rather cut my arm off than mess with a nap.

JeepersCreeperrs · 17/05/2023 12:03

No. I’m more shouty than I wanted to be.

mrlistersgelfbride · 17/05/2023 12:03

My mum was a SAHM in the 80s/early 90s, really imaginative, happy to be at home. Frugal and we did lots of craft and play at home. She says me and my brother were chilled out kids and not bad sleepers and she didn't find it too difficult, she had no desire to work and was content. I thought I'd be like her. I'm not.
I'm pretty much the total opposite in every way. Hate being at home, was no good at mat leave. I found being a mum very hard for first 3 years. DD very active kid who doesn't sleep much, she runs rings round me 🤣😭 I love her to bits but I couldn't do it again. So no, not really. I will say I'm not particularly maternal by nature, but I think I'm a fun and energetic mum.

imapterodactyl · 17/05/2023 12:03

I'm not quite as good as I thought I'd be but good enough. I was a brilliant aunt to my friends kids but it turned out that was because I got to go home to a nice quiet tidy house after all the playing.

I'm more impatient than I expected, I hadn't realised how much time alone I needed, and I let way more things slide than I thought I would. I say "oh go on then" a lot when perhaps I should put my foot down more.

But I love them with all my heart, we have fun, we learn together and I tolerate the park for them without too much moaning on my part 😂. I'm definitely the default preferred parent so they can't think I'm too bad.

My mum was a fantastic mum (still is) but I now realise that I have way higher expectations for myself than I ever did for her so am trying to chill a bit. I don't need to be playing with them constantly or refereeing every argument. I was left to get on with a lot as a child and I don't feel like it hurt me. I'm there for them and they know that.

Oysterbabe · 17/05/2023 12:09

I'm not. I thought I would be more strict but I'm a total pushover.

My DD was born with a heart defect and needed open heart surgery when she was 2.5. She's 7 now but I still remember what it was like waiting for 6 hours while she had her surgery, knowing they would stop her heart for 40 minutes, holding her hand while she screamed for me to make it stop when doctors held her down to insert needles, remove stitches etc. I've just never got over it and I think I'm a different parent than I would have been.

TheSnowyOwl · 17/05/2023 12:12

I’m not the mum I thought I’d be but I think a child dying changes your perspective and having another child with sen means what you envisaged being able to do with your child is impossible.

tass1960 · 17/05/2023 12:13

Nit as good as I really wanted to be however my boys have turned out to be really great adults so I must have done something right - I am the best gran ever though 😎

lndnbrdge91 · 17/05/2023 12:15

I didn't have much of an idea what I would be like. Of course I am not perfect and wish I had more time when I am not working or doing housework but that's life.

I hope that for the most part I am a kind and supportive parent. I hope they will look back and think that their childhood was fun and loving.

SnacksToTheMax · 17/05/2023 12:16

I’m an artist by trade, and assumed I’d love all the creative messy play stuff, and be super on-it with hands-on activities. And yet… nope. I really have to force myself.

I’m also very easily overwhelmed - way more than I ever thought I’d be - and can be very short-tempered. My own mum was firm but fair, and I definitely follow the same approach, but feel like I lack the authority she had. I’m much warmer and cuddlier with my kids, but I also lose it and yell more.

The thing that makes me sad is that I’m autistic and strongly suspect my eldest is too - I thought this would make me perfectly placed to help her through various challenges but it’s the opposite. We are triggered by and struggle with similar things, meaning we’re often in crisis at the same time. I can’t help her with social difficulties because I have literally none of the answers, and my own control issues/demand avoidance/impatience bumps up against hers. I feel like I should instinctively know how to support and accommodate her, but because of v late diagnosis I experienced none of that in my own childhood, so have no clue where to even start. It’s tough.

On the plus side, my kids are smart, hilarious, sparky little people. I really enjoy their company, and I have endless patience for imaginative play, climbing and running, reading stories, dinner time puns and general silliness. I’m much more of a clown with them than I expected.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/05/2023 12:16

No, I’m not.

I was neglected and abused by my parents. Brought up from 7 by my grandparents, who were wonderful but old which impacted everything.

I was first terrified I’d be like my parents. I’m not. I’m not shouty. I’ve never raised my hand to any of them. I’m not distant or cold.

I was then terrified I’d be too far the other way - over protective and smothering. I’m also not that. They play out, they do normal children things and I enjoy being a mum. Their needs come first every time, but their wants are balanced.

I’m quite a generic bog standard mum and I’m really proud of that as it has taken a lot to get to that place with my upbringing.

Roselilly36 · 17/05/2023 12:17

I think I have been a better mum, than I thought it was possible for me to be. I was absolutely terrified, I would be a parent to mine as my mum was to me. Thankfully not.

Jeannieofthelamp · 17/05/2023 12:21

No, I thought I'd be all hippyish and gentle parenting, and I was an attachment mum with my baby, but it turned out after that I didn't quite have the selflessness and patience required, I couldn't cope with freewheeling through the day. I'm not super strict either but my child knows that if I ask them to do something or stop doing something, I expect it to happen then and there. Also more screen time that I thought I'd stand for because I just can't get anything done otherwise. I'd say I'm a good mum rather than a brilliant one.

Daffodilmorning · 17/05/2023 12:21

I’m a better mum than I thought I would be. I was so worried about giving up my freedom and thought I would struggle with crying/tantrums.

Turns out I absolutely love having babies and toddlers and looking after them is my favourite ’job’ ever.

No idea if I’ll feel the same way when I have teenagers though!

Floraflowers · 17/05/2023 12:22

I’m the mum I wish I’d had.

Every parenting decision I think ‘what would my mum have done?’ And then I do the opposite.

I tell my dc all the time that they are clever, kind, lovely, beautiful.

I make sure they have privacy and are respected.

I make sure they have their needs met and that their wants are important and valid even if they don’t always get what they want.

I don’t humiliate them in public.

No emotions are shamed, feeling scared or angry is never ridiculed.

I allow them wherever possible to make decisions about their own lives so that they have the freedom of choice.

I never shout or hurt them

I have boundaries and rules but I explain each and every one and we discuss it, I don’t impose ridiculous rules on them that infringe on their human rights.

Im proud of the mother I am.

totallyteutonic · 17/05/2023 12:22

Haha your story is exactly same as mine down to age of child and the fact I used to be a teacher!! I am 100% not who I thought I'd be.

WombatBombat · 17/05/2023 12:24

I’m a lot more chilled out and patient than I thought I would be. I’m more likely to be the “silly one” which I enjoy as I have sensible parents.

I was a lot more passionate about breastfeeding than I expected to be. I think me working 4 days has really helped me be the parent I want to be so far - time will tell, I only have one so far & he's 2.5 so an easy phase.

5128gap · 17/05/2023 12:27

When they were little, pretty much, yes. Now they are 20s/30s, not remotely! I had visions of myself as being like my own mum, traditional stereotype of comfy grandma mum, serving up Sunday dinners, baking, and overseeing the young folk from my armchair in the manner of wise, benign matriarch. Turns out my adult DC are real actual people that are my equals and my friends. We go on nights out, city breaks and laugh inappropriately together without me feeling the need to tell them off or to put a coat on, or to make them sandwiches. They're as likely to advise me from their areas of knowledge as I am them. Rather than feeling old and wise, they make me feel young and carefree. I never expected that.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 17/05/2023 12:30

Yes and no

Yes - as I'm laid back, I enjoy my dd, my teen is a joy and I genuinely like her. She talks to me about most things, I'm not shouty and I support her in what she wants to do (within reason), whilst still being her mum and not her friend

No - in that I went back to work, I hated being a sahp

plasticpens · 17/05/2023 12:31

Weird one for me as I hadn't ever given any thought to what kind of mum I would be. I never imagined my future as I struggle to live in anything but the here and now.

Looking back at my experience as a parent though I can honestly say I couldn't have seen me pre children turning into the parent I am today.

I spent a lot of time when my kids were younger trying to defend them and my parenting when all I was doing was working with them and their needs as very different individuals. Turns out we are all autistic, I also have ADHD and I just did things non conventionally because that's what we all needed. I am very fortunate to have a great DH working with me though, not sure where we would all be without him tbh

Swipe left for the next trending thread