Are you the kind of mum you thought you’d be

[Andsothestorygoesdidadum]

And what were the things that you were looking forward to and now don’t enjoy and vice versa?

I had my Dd, 4, later in life due to infertility, but I was also nervous about giving up my freedom and v carefree life full of travel and fun.
I’ve always loved kids and thought babies were cute, but I wasn’t particularly maternal in that respect and was more of a pal to kids I knew.
I ended up being a co -sleeping, breastfeeding mum, v gentle parenting compared to some I know and haven’t been out with Dh properly since she was born (i’m not being a martyr, I’m ok with this) I barely drink nowadays ( v wild when younger)
I assumed I’d put Dd in another room when she was born, give her a cuddle and off I’d go to enjoy my evenings having a wine with Dh. She still makes her way into our bed at night and we lie down next to her to get her to sleep after stories etc, I continued bfing her to sleep until she was 3.
I became a Sahm for her first four years, in the past having worked full time all
my life, I couldn’t have imagined anything worse or more boring, I’ve enjoyed it (it’s been bloody hard at times! 😅)
I’m an ex teacher and was very big on education, now I don’t believe in homework and children sitting at desks in uniforms learning at age 4 (I’m abroad so my Dds experience of school is learning through play until age 6, when it becomes more formal) and I agree with this 100%

I’ve basically become the total opposite of how I thought I’d be 🤣

Things I thought I’d like/enjoy: The school run and school type things-WhatsApp group etc…hate it and try to duck in and out as quickly as possible

Things I thought I’d hate: Being a Sahm, baby/kids groups, play dates, pushing a pram, breastfeeding etc

Are you the mum you thought you’d be?

I'm pretty much how I planned to be, though I remember being worried I wouldn't be able to follow through on my intent to be a gentle hippyish parent. I'm proud that we have stuck to our guns.

But my dc are not at all how I thought they'd be. They are much more easy going than I imagined, just delighted kids. I think I anticipated more struggle and conflict (and yes, I know every parent thinks their dc are delightful!)

Our children mould us as mothers. My two are nearly 25 and 20. Their experience of me as their mother is very different.

Overall I done the best I could with the knowledge of of my kids I had at the time. With hindsight I could have done it better for both of them.

The only consistency that comes to mind is tell me anything, ask me anything I won’t be shocked (and if I am embarrassed I will use my best a ting skills to hide it)

Nope. Had mine in my 40s and discovered I'm much more selfish than I thought. I resented the time they took away from doing my own thing, and found babyhood a real slog. I hated how I became X's mum rather than me - like the first 40 years of my life disappeared.
Of course they don't know this, i breastfed til I returned to work, gave up work after my second. Did loads of activities with them, took them to the park, play centres, Monkey Music, ball play - all that stuff. Made all the baby food from scratch. Made all the sports days, performances, some days driving between one child's activity to the other's snd back again so they had a parent watching at least part of the time (I became a widow when they were young). For five years every Autumn and winter Sunday was up early to volunteer at my son's rugby.
One thing I did was strict bedtime routines (I never let them cry though, just routine routine routine) so I DID have evenings with my husband as my children usually went down with minimal fuss and slept well.
I do harbour a lot of guilt though.

I’m pretty much how I thought I’d be — just the same me with a child.

No - I thought I'd have NT children and that life would involve me ferrying them about to extra-curriculars, having playdates, helping them with homework and doing all the usual parent child stuff. I thought I'd research and follow general good advice for parenting and they would respond to that. Instead we do virtually nothing outside of school (that have no friends, I tried so hard on their younger days but once kids can choose who to hang out with they quickly abandoned mine, they aren't interested in any sports/instruments/drama groups etc) and it's still a battle to get the young secondary aged child ready for school in the morning without prompting every step of the way. I love them but it's not at all what I imagined and I have to be pretty crap by most standards just to get through the day (eg they have a very limited diet and a lot of screen time).

No because I never envisaged me being a single mum and that's what makes it challenging.
I did all the parks, trips, groups, messy play and played and educated them. I loved it when they were younger.
Now I have a 12 Yr old SEN child and life is very hard.
I get over whelmed and have to work my bones off in an occupation that I hate to be able to be there for her.
She is very hard work and puberty has made it so much harder as she pushes me to my limits! I shout, ger down and so tired of it just being me and her *I have an older child who I had un5il she was 8 and then chose to live with her dad.

I've done this several times lol. Its bit shameful , it's just easier..

I'm a much better mum than I thought I'd be. I thought I'd be an earth mother type , taking my children travelling , surfing , and being spontaneous. Instead my first was unexpectedly severely disabled , with a life limiting illness and we have spent her life so far going from one life threatening incident to another . We were told she would live until around the age of 4 or 5 . Now, she is 19 . I have become a warrior mum, very tied down, but happy. I Have given my daughter the best quality of life possible and fought very very hard to make sure she has everything she needs to get the most out of her life . I have a non disabled son and I am an extremely chilled out parent to him ( mainly because I'm just relieved that he can walk, talk, and eat ) we can't do anything spontaneously, leaving the house is like a military procedure , and you know what? I couldn't give a shit. As long as my girl is happy and as healthy as possible . I'm happy. Life had other plans for us and I feel I've really stepped up to them

I think so, I’m not very maternal and it turns out I don’t have much instinct for being a mum. But I work at it and I would crawl over broken glass for DD.

I’ve been every sort of mum. Nurturing, frustrated, exhausted, cross, fun, tearful, bonkers, strict and lazy.

The mum I am now though has been pretty consistent since covid. I am strict but fair. Easy to talk to. The children know they are my number one priority so everything revolves around them. Extra curriculars are really important but education comes first. I’m spontaneous, so very often i forget the housework and we all disappear off somewhere. Manners and politeness are exceptionally important. The kids are thriving so I know I’m doing something right.

Right out of the gate, I was certain I'd be one of those - have a schedule, be in charge, maintain independence, not quite Gina Ford -dms and it turns out I was a baby wearing, co-sleeping, infant always comes first, hippy.

When ds2 came along, I was certain that this time, I'd be a 'have a schedule, be in charge, maintain independence' dm type because I had the feeling that maybe I had made my life harder than it needed to be first time around, but no - it was return of the hippy and kicked it up a gear with long term breast feeding.

By ds3 I leaned into the hippy, it was inevitable.

Beyond that, I'm actually better at this dm lark than I ever thought I would be, or my dc are so easy they make me look good. I'm really enjoying the teen years.

No I'm better ♥️
Never wanted kids, never felt maternal, thought I'd be a crap mum.. babies would come into offices and I'd be one of the only ones not rushing to coo over it.
I was an animal mum and that was it!

Then I accidentally got pregnant and felt that love instantly even when he was the size of a grain of rice. I love being a mum, I am very loving and we have such a laugh.
I coo over babies now!
If it hadn't have happened by accident it would never have happened. And that scares me! And makes me wonder how many people are convinced they don't want them but would actually love it.