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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are you the kind of mum you thought you’d be

62 replies

Andsothestorygoesdidadum · 17/05/2023 11:05

And what were the things that you were looking forward to and now don’t enjoy and vice versa?

I had my Dd, 4, later in life due to infertility, but I was also nervous about giving up my freedom and v carefree life full of travel and fun.
I’ve always loved kids and thought babies were cute, but I wasn’t particularly maternal in that respect and was more of a pal to kids I knew.
I ended up being a co -sleeping, breastfeeding mum, v gentle parenting compared to some I know and haven’t been out with Dh properly since she was born (i’m not being a martyr, I’m ok with this) I barely drink nowadays ( v wild when younger)
I assumed I’d put Dd in another room when she was born, give her a cuddle and off I’d go to enjoy my evenings having a wine with Dh. She still makes her way into our bed at night and we lie down next to her to get her to sleep after stories etc, I continued bfing her to sleep until she was 3.
I became a Sahm for her first four years, in the past having worked full time all
my life, I couldn’t have imagined anything worse or more boring, I’ve enjoyed it (it’s been bloody hard at times! 😅)
I’m an ex teacher and was very big on education, now I don’t believe in homework and children sitting at desks in uniforms learning at age 4 (I’m abroad so my Dds experience of school is learning through play until age 6, when it becomes more formal) and I agree with this 100%

I’ve basically become the total opposite of how I thought I’d be 🤣

Things I thought I’d like/enjoy: The school run and school type things-WhatsApp group etc…hate it and try to duck in and out as quickly as possible

Things I thought I’d hate: Being a Sahm, baby/kids groups, play dates, pushing a pram, breastfeeding etc

Are you the mum you thought you’d be?

OP posts:
BridieConvert · 17/05/2023 12:33

I have become the mum I absolutely feared I would. I love my girls to bits and I do try my absolute best. But we've hit the toddler years now and I've become the overwhelmed, lacking in patience, stress-head I was worried I'd be! Not all the time - but enough that I hate it about myself

Shufflebumnessie · 17/05/2023 12:37

DelilahJane · 17/05/2023 11:57

I always thought I'd be a bit like Lois from Malcolm in the middle... Turns out I'm Hal.

You have just made me laugh so much. Thank you😂
I am definitely Lois!!

Emmacb82 · 17/05/2023 12:38

I thought I would be a really relaxed, laid back and patient mum. I’m so totally the opposite! I can get very overwhelmed and stressed quite quickly and I shout a lot more than I wanted to. I try and justify it because I work nights and then stay up and look after the kids but that’s not their fault. I hate arts and crafts and am bad at doing things with them but I enjoy taking them out and holidays etc. I’m grateful that because I work nights I’m there for every school run, every school event and never miss a moment of their lives really. But on the flip side my only break from them is work and me and dh never get time away on our own as we have no outside support. No one can prepare you for how hard parenthood is and all the soppy posts on social media can sometimes make you feel like you do a really rubbish job even though you know it’s all fake!

rhow · 17/05/2023 12:48

wibblewobbleball · 17/05/2023 11:56

I'm much more shouty than I thought I would be and get easily overwhelmed with the sensory experience of having small children.

Me too! I find my children to be very overwhelming sometimes, and they are generally very easy going, total sweethearts. It isnt them, it's me.

planthelpadvice · 17/05/2023 12:53

No, sadly. I thought I'd be much more of an 'earth mother' than I am. I am inpatient and shouty, and don't spend enough time with them and we don't really talk much. It's sad really.

PinkButtercups · 17/05/2023 12:58

No, I'm better at it then I thought I would be so I'll blow my own trumpet on that one.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 17/05/2023 12:59

Yes overall! With this last baby I thought we’d go on hikes at least once a week, I’d do sketching at the local bird sanctuary while she looked on/napped, and I’d go to London and we’d take in an art gallery together every so often. I reality I can’t be bothered/am worried about naps and that she’d be bored/she’d rather just be playing at home. So we haven’t done any of that really yet (shes 1 now so not as portable as a new born/has her own ideas). But overall yes I am (kids 8, 5 and 1).

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/05/2023 13:05

He's only 5 months old but so far, yes.

I knew I wouldn't be a SAHM
I knew I'd go back to work between 6-12 weeks
I knew I wouldn't breastfeed
I knew that I'd sleep train
I knew that I'd have a set routine
I knew I wouldn't co-sleep

I didn't change my mind on any when he was born.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 17/05/2023 13:05

Am exactly like what i thought - i said having a kid wouldn't stop us travelling or going out or anything

And it hasn't - she's off to her grandparents for a week so we can go to glasto (we went last year when she was 1 and she stayed behind)

She's been all around the world on various trips & music festivals

our lives are kinda the same ovbiously with an extra little guest tagging along and not being able to go out as often - but we have a great babysitter so once organised can still go to most things we want

goodkidsmaadhouse · 17/05/2023 13:10

Sort of. I knew I'd be a bit of a hippy when they were babies/toddlers and I was. I thought we'd be a very outdoorsy family and we are. I thought I'd be very cuddly and loving and I am.
I'm not as chilled as I'd have liked to be but maybe because of that I'm really good at repair.

CognitiveIllusion · 17/05/2023 13:19

I thought I'd be too soft on them when they were naughty and DH would have to be the disciplinarian, but that turned out not to be true. I am actually pretty good at setting boundaries and sticking to them.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 17/05/2023 13:24

Partly yes, partly no.
I've been quite active with my dcs. I love going out and have taken dcs all over the country and to some amazing places abroad. I've shared art and cultural experiences so I'm good at all that but I'm really bad at staying at home and being child centred so I'm a bit shoutier than I'd like to be.
It's easier as they're getting older now.

Scirocco · 17/05/2023 13:33

I thought I'd do the 6 months of sleeping in the same room, then DC would move to their own room. We're co-sleeping still at 15 months.

I thought I'd try some breastfeeding but probably be on formula at 6 months. We're still breastfeeding and quite happy with that.

I thought I'd be really neurotic about hygiene. I was, at first. Then DC ate a bug in a park and I kind of realised it was probably fine. So I'm actually pretty chilled about getting muddy, falling into puddles, etc.

I thought I'd be better at storytelling though. Some days I'm just too tired after work to do a full "bedtime story session". I also thought I'd be better at keeping on top of the laundry. Which I'm not. Shameful confession - the other week we were low on clean vests, and I couldn't face 9pm post-work laundry, so I went and bought a new packet in the supermarket. 🤦🏻‍♀️

jammydodgie · 17/05/2023 13:50

No I'm not the mum I thought I'd be. I thought I'd be like my mum, didn't work for years, raised 3 of us and didn't send us to nursery until we were 3/4 then was able to drop us off and pick us up from school every day until we were 16.

I had my DS and thought I'd be off work for a couple of years, turned out I NEEDED to work!! Im die number 2 soon and a bit nervous about 9 months off and keeping busy but im sure I'll manage if I can exercise and keep my brain ticking over.

I am more of a career woman than I thought I was. I've been promoted recently and now feeling guilty that DC2 will go to nursery 4 days a week and DS will go into after school club 4 days a week.

Motherhood is a funny thing x

BogRollBOGOF · 17/05/2023 13:50

I didn't realise how much I needed quiet time to myself because I naturally got it so it was more company I craved prior to having children.

I thought I'd find imaginative play and crafts easier... but the DCs and I are on different wavelengths in that department. I am playful, but in a more physical way or wordplay way. I took up running when DS2 was a baby having always hated it in youth so never expected to be racing children at parkrun!

I've adapted to the children I have. DS1 is autistic, so we do things more at his pace than mine which isn't always easy to me. Dyslexia didn't feature in my mini-me dreams of bookworms. There's a huge amount of sibling bickering not helped by neurodiversity. It can be somewhat groundhog day when social skills are out of sync with age combined with being hyper-sensitive.

I still have the values that always mattered, away from home they're polite, kind and generally sensible. They enjoy learning even if they don't love school and books. They're lovely, funny, interesting people and are engaging to work with. I must be doing something well anyway.

Bonus points to DS1 for liking a lot of chilli in his food 😎

Divorcedalongtime · 17/05/2023 13:53

No, I thought I would take it in my stride and they would fit around my life but I became totally earthy mama.

they are teens now so it’s changed again

thecatsthecats · 17/05/2023 14:23

I'm pregnant, and I haven't been thinking about the kind of mum I'm going to be, the kind of birth I'm going to have, or if I'm going to breastfeed.

Imagining things and building expectations has created no end of heartache in so many families I know (not only in the parents, grandparents and siblings too - all the threads about whether someone is being a good enough aunt/seeing grandkids enough!).

Better and easier to take things as they come. Learn the skills you need for the child and the life you get.

LadyWhistledown · 17/05/2023 15:06

No. My child is autistic, non-verbal and has learning delays. I thought I'd be reading stories with her and teaching her new words and all sorts.

Bookist · 17/05/2023 15:32

Yes I'm pretty much exactly the Mum I imagined I'd be. I knew I'd struggle with the baby and toddler years because I like to live an organised, orderly life. I suspected I would be quite strict, and I was, but I was actually vastly more patient with them than anyone expected me to be. When they became teenagers I really hit my stride and I'm really pleased and proud at the relationship I now have with them. I wanted them to feel secure and respected and not judged. My Mum couldn't believe I refused to constantly remind my daughter that she was overweight. Instead I just regularly told her she was beautiful, cooked more healthily and did Couch25K with her. I rarely criticise them and if I have to, I try and make it constructive. I never swear or yell at them and never use derogatory language and they accord me the same respect.

Spendonsend · 17/05/2023 15:36

I thought Id be more fun, and I would show my children the world, and that we'd all enjoy crafting together. I was also going to have an amazing career.

I'm over tired, grumpy, we cant afford to travel, my children hate craft and both of our careers have been stuffed by the trials of SEN parenting.

I do manage to be loving, safe and help them pursue their interests.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/05/2023 15:50

Shameful confession - the other week we were low on clean vests, and I couldn't face 9pm post-work laundry, so I went and bought a new packet in the supermarket.

Ive done this before, only it was school trousers when I found all the clean ones had holes in the knees.

I’m not the mum I thought I’d be. I’m way more patient and equally more anxious than I thought. I’ve been more able to argue my corner to have my kids additional needs met, and am more nurturing than I thought I’d be.

Im also less organised, which causes me stress because I’m very used to being on top of things. Learning to not sweat the small stuff doesn’t come easy to me.

Morewineplease10 · 17/05/2023 16:05

I didn't know how I'd be as a parent.
I didn't have a great upbringing, my mum was negligent, dismissive, narcissistic and occasionally violent. My dad was lovely to me but worked away a lot. Both were inconsistent.

I love my kids, tell them all the time and am extremely affectionate with them. I encourage their friendships, school work and interests/activities.

I'm a single mum now and one of my kids is autistic. Life is profoundly more difficult than I imagined it would be but they are both such great kids.

I guess I'm a better parent than I thought I'd be, especially in the circumstances.

MammaTo · 17/05/2023 16:05

I’m only 6 months in and so far no I’m not. Baby will still only contact nap so my

Asthenia · 17/05/2023 16:08

DD is only 16 months so we’ll have to see what the future holds, but I thought I’d be a formula feeding, sleep training, no nonsense mum. We’re still breastfeeding with no plans to stop, we co-sleep and the idea of leaving her to cry makes me die inside…very different to how I imagined I’d be so far.

MammaTo · 17/05/2023 16:08

Posted too soon

My plans of up, showered, dressed are out the window because baby will only sleep on me.

I thought with being off work, the house would be pristine - nope.

I had always used my SIL as a role model because she seems to have her shit together; kids are always gorgeous, house is tidy and she’s always well groomed where as I am resembeling hagrid.

I hated my first Mother’s Day because I felt like such a fraud.