AIBU to not hunt down and kill/remove every spider in the house?

[MightyFishwife]

My 8yo has a fear of spiders. For the last few summers, it’s impacted on all of us — she goes round the house looking for, and becoming hysterical about, every spider she can find. Tiny ones are “huge”, big ones result in screaming and crying.

I don’t know how to support her without allowing this obsession to rule our lives. She’s waking us up up to 8x a night because she’s “seen” a spider (got out of bed and hunted for it).

I feel awful for her, but I can’t keep going getting a glass and a card (or the hoover) whenever she spots a spider and demands its immediate removal on pain of tears and hysterics.

What do i do? Im trying to help her cope but it’s been years so I’m clearly not getting this right.

I should add, neither her dad nor I are bothered by spiders — we don’t love them, but there’s no transmitted phobia there.

if this phobia has got to the point where it disturbs her sleep and disturbs the rest of the family, you could seek therapy for the phobia. therapy for phobias is HARD WORK - your DD would have to be committed to a program and stick to it. but done properly, it is VERY effective and would let your DD live free of fears. She doesn't have to like spiders but she can learn to tolerate them with professional help.

It’s possibly arachnophobia. I would see if GP can help or find a therapist as this is affecting family life and DD.

So this has been going on since she was four or five? Eeesh that's a long time.

You need to stop enabling her. Tell her if she hunts and finds one she has to deal with it. If its out in the open where you or her father would have noticed it then you will deal. Of course any hiding in her bed or clothes are also yours.

If she gets out of bed then whatever your version of a rollicking is. Time to get firm. What would you do if she kept getting out of bed 8 times a night for a drink? Do that.

Phobias are highly treatable, especially arachnophobia. You’d have to accompany her and these generally run in the autumn but are extremely successful, using a combination of evidence based approaches. They are very careful to sweep the building for spiders before letting the phobics in:

https://www.londonzoo.org/plan-your-visit/zoo-experiences/friendly-spider-programme

If she can get out of bed 8 times a night and find a spider, there must be a lot of them in your house. If you habitually vacuum them up every time you see one, hopefully there will be fewer and this will help her feel safe in her own home. Phobias are terrifying and I would not be able to sleep knowing a spider was in the room with me.

Honestly though, why is your house so full of spiders that she can keep finding them? I find one in my house about 3x a year. I'd be pretty creeped out if I could find a decent size spider every time I looked about me!

My arachnophobia is so debilitating, it takes up so much time. And keeps me from doing even basic things, like going into my cellar to check the meters.

When I was around 9ish I started to be convinced I could hear them moving around whatever room I’m in, I always think I can see them and won’t stop until I find one to this day.

The only thing for it really is to do some sort of therapy/phobia treatment, but I’m an adult and there’s no one to force me to do it so I just won’t because I’m too scared. Perhaps you could put your foot down with your daughter and make her go? Not sure if that would be the worst or best decision for her to be honest though.

I will say when my parents got sick of me and stopped catching them for me I lost all trust in them, and it made my phobia much worse. So in the long run I perhaps wouldn’t refuse all together, maybe set boundaries that you won’t catch them at certain times or something?

Thanks for the replies/recommendations. The house is large, and there’s usually a cellar spider in every room — just minding its own business in a dark corner. I do get rid of the ones I come across but she’s doing things like getting on the floor to look under units for them.

I'd look into getting her therapy. I detest people killing spiders for no reason, especially considering how beneficial they are. And a phobia is not a good excuse. Plus she sounds utterly miserable and this needs to be dealt with ASAP for her sake. The spiders are not the problem. Her phobia/obsession is.

This sounds really hard for you — sympathies x

Also if you spray your house with Indorex (flea spray) it kills spiders too. It actually works for about 6-12 months. And is non-toxic to humans, cats and dogs. She may find them but they’ll be dead. I do my house every 3 months and keep a van in every room. Sounds silly but it really helps.

And putting them outside is fine but don't kill them. You have a much bigger problem than the spiders. She needs support. She sounds utterly tormented.

I'd also worry that if it isn't dealt with soon that she possibly fixate on other things too. (Said as someone with OCD and a bunch of phobias)

Seconded! Indorex is great for getting rid of spiders.

Get her one of those trap thingies?

Seriously go to town with repellents and indorex I know your not bothered but she is clearly

I don’t understand why you live in such a spider infested house!! No wonder she has a phobia. She can find several spiders a night???!!!!!

I see about two spiders a year maximum.

Can you have the house fumigated? Or move somewhere without this problem?

Thank you, I truly wish I wasn’t like this.

I wonder if perhaps she’s like me? I’ll get so obsessed and terrified there may be one in the room I’ll go looking for one. And I won’t stop until I find one, and only once it’s been dealt with by someone else will I be able to be less terrified and stressed I will say ‘you’re safe now’ to myself in my head. This will usually last a few hours, then it starts to build again and I feel unsafe again.

It’s fight or flight mode mixed with some hyper vigilance I think. She sounds like maybe there’s a lot of that going on with her.

Really awful, I feel you you both.

I think you need to do a good deep clean and then maybe get screens or something on the windows so you don't have so many lurking around your house.

do tell her the cellar ones kill the big ones. They’re on her side! Every time I hoover up a spider, I get huge buzzy flies and regret it.

It’s not infested! 😂 It’s a large house with a garden front and back. It’s normal for spiders to come in and make a home in a corner — I’ve never known a spider-free house.

I’m genuinely surprised at how surprised you and other posters are by this — how funny that we’ve had such different experiences.

Nothing works! 🥺 I don’t like spiders, per se — they make me feel all itchy and wiggly — but I recognise their usefulness!

If an eight year old is finding multiple spiders in her room every night that is an infestation to be honest.

Until recently I lived in a large house backing onto farmland, and still only saw maybe one spider a month.

They’re not in her room — funnily, they never are. She’s getting up and going looking for spiders — in the bathrooms, hall/stairs/landing, lounges etc.

That’s still an excessive amount of spiderage OP.

Probably much cheaper to deal with the spiders than to try to deal with arachnophobia for a child being flooded like DD is. It must be torture for her.

This is awful advice.

You DD obviously had a genuine fear and that is what needs treating.

Some odd replies regarding your 'obviously infested house' I'm sure everyhouse has spiders if you look hard enough.

Also conkers really do repell them. My friends collects hundreds and freezes them so she has a year round supply.