AIBU to not hunt down and kill/remove every spider in the house?

[MightyFishwife]

My 8yo has a fear of spiders. For the last few summers, it’s impacted on all of us — she goes round the house looking for, and becoming hysterical about, every spider she can find. Tiny ones are “huge”, big ones result in screaming and crying.

I don’t know how to support her without allowing this obsession to rule our lives. She’s waking us up up to 8x a night because she’s “seen” a spider (got out of bed and hunted for it).

I feel awful for her, but I can’t keep going getting a glass and a card (or the hoover) whenever she spots a spider and demands its immediate removal on pain of tears and hysterics.

What do i do? Im trying to help her cope but it’s been years so I’m clearly not getting this right.

Might give conkers a go — can’t hurt.

And I agree — being able to unearth a handful of spiders in a large house when you’re willing to commando crawl under furniture isn’t very difficult.

There are currently 4 spiders in my house that I know of. Probably countless more if I searched for them.

Don’t bother me so I let them be.

In my old house I saw one the entire time I lived there and in my current house (been in it 2 years) I saw my first one at the weekend when we were hoovering out the back of the shoe cupboard. I don’t have a phobia as such but I couldn’t sleep if one was in my room. I hoover all the corners and ceiling corners every few weeks just to get rid of any potential spiders. If it was a bigger problem I’d probably look into other ways of stopping them coming in too (I did sellotape round the loft hatch at our old house) 😂 I think it is normal to be particularly scared of them at that age but not for it to be disturbing your sleep. Maybe speak to the GP about something she could either take before bed or some therapy to help her phobia

I live in an old house where we get quite a few spider especially in autumn and i have a horrendous spider phobia. I am trying to gradually desensitise myself - looking at photos of them, trying to live with the little ones etc and im getting a little bit better. I spent the afternoon in a room with quite a large one out of reach the other day without freaking out or having to leave the room because i was trying to pretend to a child i wasnt bothered so they wouldnt be

Honestly its horrible and really affects me. If you can get some kind of therapy/desensitisation for her now to help please do because phobias are horrible and exhausting to live with especially with something so commonly encountered as spiders

Get a cat, they really keep the spiders down.

We were away for a long weekend recently as was the cat. On the first night back I had to remove three from the house including a huge one the popped up onto the back of the sofa right next to my shoulder.

I've rarely moved so quickly.

My dd is frightened of spiders but she won’t actively seek them out like this.

If she knows where there is one, she can get very upset but that’s about it.

Shes mellowed out a lot since we had a pet jumping spider. He’s died now and we haven’t got round to getting another one. I will though. It helps her realise that spiders aren’t horrible creatures

I agree with this as well, we got our cat because I was having such an issue with spiders when we moved here and the numbers dropped a lot after we got her, partly because she was eating them and partly her smell put them off coming out into the open

She's to lazy now to bother catching them but we do still see less

That is the WORST advice! Absolutely idiotic! You do realise she as a phobia right? You want an 8 year old’s mother to leave her to deal with her phobia herself? Terrible advice.

Phobias are the most treatable mental illnesses. Please look into treatment.

Genuine sympathies — I’ve had serious phobias that I just grew out of (had to!) and I know they’re utterly miserable x

I've done the ZSL one, it's great. Not completely cured but much better than before.

We have two — they are gorgeous, useless creatures 😂❤️

Thanks to everyone who’s contributed experiences and advice — really appreciate it. Will look into a phobia programme, and chat to her GP about it.

I feel awful for her, but I can’t keep going getting a glass and a card (or the hoover) whenever she spots a spider and demands its immediate removal on pain of tears and hysterics.

Why not?

If you say you don’t have as many spiders in your home as your posts infer, then why is it such a hassle to just put the spider outside as and when your DD comes across one.

I actually had a really debilitating phobia of spiders until a rather large house spider ran across my chest as I was lying in bed. After that, I’ve been fine with them. But I still wouldn’t just let one wander around my house. I always put them outside whenever I come across one, or when the children spot one.

I understand spiders don’t bother some people, and they are quite happy to leave them where they are, but if neither you nor your husband are afraid of spiders, then something must be triggering your daughter’s fear. I do wonder if it is a reaction to you just leaving spiders in your home. Whatever it is, your daughter clearly doesn’t like it - surely the short time it takes to remove a spider is worth your daughter’s comfort?

@Usetherightgearforthehill

Quoted you by mistake!

Do you leave windows open when lights are on? That seems to bring them in.

I had a similar problem with my kids (not liking spiders), though nowhere near this severe. With the cellar “spiders”, explain to her that they aren’t spiders, though that is their favourite dinner - worked wonders to stop my kids freaking out about them.

I feel awful for her, but I can’t keep going getting a glass and a card (or the hoover) whenever she spots a spider and demands its immediate removal on pain of tears and hysterics.

Don't do it then. Or at least, put some limits on it. Tell her you will not catch ones that she deliberately goes looking for, for example.

I think you need to downplay this a bit and try not to respond to the hysterics so much. It's like feeding into it if you run around getting rid of them for her. At the end of the day, spiders are just a fact of life and we have to live alongside them - she will need to learn to cope one way or another.

I would definitely try to find her some therapy, as it sounds incapacitating.

I totally agree with this. Arachnophobia is the only phobia I have. I’m a good age and have tried various therapies and hypnosis etc over the years. None worked. Just help her. It’s honestly a horrible phobia. You need to remember that phobias are irrational fears.

To the posters asking why I can’t keep getting the spiders:

• it’s been up to 8x a night, with interrupted sleep for weeks on end
• I literally can’t reach most of them
• I don’t want to encourage her to go hunting for more, which is what she’ll do if I’m her on-call coping mechanism 24/7

I understand it’s a phobia and it’s hard for her, otherwise why would I be posting here? But this isn’t a sustainable situation, and I literally can’t drop everything to go spider-chasing when my 8yo has hunted one down.

Agreed OP which is why I posted. I've always had a fear, still do, but my parents eventually said enough is enough. They would get the large ones but i had to ignore or deal with the small ones myself. They taught me the cup and paper method (and it still freaks me out) but its part of growing up, and regulating emotions.

She is supposed to be asleep and not hunting so perhaps do one night time sweep of her bedroom then tell her no more that night. She has to stay in bed. It may be firm habit now or it may be a type of ocd which needs therapy, only you will know. I second the indorex or use Raid spray around the cracks and skirting boards.

Try hypnosis. Really worked for my fear of spiders. I still don't love them but I don't hear the Jaws theme in my head any more when I see one and do the cup and card and oik them outside, or leave them in the corners. It was a very short, effective hypnosis session.

This might sound ridiculous, but my son was scared of them at a young age (I'm not a fan, but if I know where they are, I'm
Ok, it's when they creep up i get bothered.

Anyway, whenever he used to see them I'd give them a name 'oh look, it's John on the wall' or 'Trevor is on the ceiling' he thought it was hilarious that these creepy crawlies had names, it took the fear away.

Definitely seek medical advice / phobia treatment. Not liking spiders when she sees one is fair enough, but being so anxious about their possible presence that she feels the need to go looking for them is excessive (I used to have a similar approach to things I was afraid of - it's not rational and it 100% needed treating as a mental health issue)

DD is like this. She's 11 now and it was a huge deal for about 5 years, she's only calmed down a little in the past year or so. I also have never shown any outward concern about spiders in front of her, if there was one I just dealt with it - hoover or a tissue, no fear whatsoever.
However for years she was convinced that she could hear them, which caused countless middle of the night meltdowns. I finally persuaded her that you can't hear them unless they're big and they fall and hit the floor - and we rarely get massive ones. Cellar spiders, or "spindlies" as we call them have actually helped us. I started naming them and making sure she knew that they attack and eat the big ones, even daddy long legs (which she also hates), I've seen it happen and videoed it to show her. I let spindlies live in my room and around the house and she accepts that.
I do not like spiders. But only lose my shit if I’m alone and a very big one appears.

We always have conkers on windowsills and I have a spider spray for her room that I use about once a week all over or every time I open her window. I think it's peppermint oil based and the smell comforts her too.