A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

Exactly.

This is a 23 year old who wants to have a husband who will allow her to stay at home.
NO KIDS.
So far has been unsuccessful and has been dumped.
Very keen to get married.

Yes, I do thing this is laziness.

That's your opinion, for your life.

We're all different.

I work full time, but turn down extra hours. Because we all have to find our balance. Clearly hers is different to mine. As long as she has a compatible partner, that's OK.

I think it’s very sad . I would be very disappointed if my daughters only wanted to be stay a home wife’s . I think women should want more . If then after having a career they decide they want a break to stay home with the children then by all means donut but having it as a single aspiration is very sad indeed

Have you ever worked full time with children? Or even just a baby? If not, I don't think you're in any position to tell me what is or isn't reflective of reality as a working parent.

Noone is on board.
She has been dumped.

The thing is she can want whatever she wants but she won't find it.

The dating world is competitive enough for young women. There's more attractive, lovely, available young women than there are the equivalent of men. She won't find what she's looking for.

It seems like she was honest and upfront with him about what she wanted so he was able to decide he didn't want the same things

If she meets someone who is happy to provide for her while she stays at home and both are adults and happy with the situation I don't know why you care

But you do work!

there’s a big difference between turning down extra hours and not working at all and expecting you and your spouse to just survive with no treats etc.

Agreed. The idea that a marriage will fail if a woman dares to want more than the domestic sphere is able to offer, or if she expects her partner to contribute equally to family life is very sad. I would really hate to be trapped in a marriage where I felt that giving up an important aspect of my own life was the only way of making things work.

This is why it has been so important for me to model a different approach for my dd. I saw how miserable my own mum was stuck at home, and I never wanted my dd to feel like she would have to make a choice between career and family. Why should she, when it's possible to enjoy both?

Like @SouthLondonMum22 , both my husband and I work work full-time and always have done. And similarly, my DH does at least his fair share (the food shop, 95% of the cooking, most of the dog walks, an equal share of laundry, and at least 50% of child-related transporting. I fart about doing some hoovering and dusting).

Gender norms only dictate who does what in a relationship if you let them. It's really not that hard to share parenting and housework equally if you are a partnership that works together. You might not think SouthLondonMum has much experience to base her opinions on but my children are 17 and 19 so I reckon I do.

Even if she has, her experience may not be representative, as it sounds from her posts like her DH is a sexist twat who was not willing to share the load.

Well yes, because he wasn't on board. But as an aspiration, with both willing participants what exactly is the issue?

Unsurprisingly so.

I suspect she'd better get used to it.

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom

My situation is that my career is on hold due to one of DC being disabled, we are awaiting further support for them following which I will be back at work. Until this point DH is working a 6 day week.

I am not advocating that women specifically do not work or reduce their hours. Men could become SAHH or reduce hours to facilitate women and take on more of the “home” burden. Something has to give because the quality of life is just not there - for most - when both partners are working full time.

I say this from observing friends, family, school Mums. Only one person that I know is working full time with children, all professionals, the decision to take the back step has been a combination of personal choice/recognition that husbands wage is higher.

Now if gender disparity in pay was addressed you could surely expect to see more husbands staying at home or reducing their hours but we aren’t there yet unfortunately.

And not saying divorce is on the cards for women who don’t pack in work. But where huge amounts of pressure is put on a couple for both to work and where household tasks are not outsourced or equally divided. Sorry but I do think a lot of women are still double jobbing with their career/housework & childcare. Men can justify it by saying they work longer or earn more.

Why do you think there are more women available than men? In the UK there are 105 men for every 100 women under 65.

You can be a stay at home mum and a good role model!

I’m don’t really understand your posting. It’s full of generalisations and your own niche situation, which is completely irrelevant to the one on the OP. You say you have a career in hold and have a disabled child. Fine. But…

The young woman in the OP didn’t have children, doesn’t want a career at all, and wasn’t aspiring to be a SAHM, least of all one with a disabled child, but she wanted to be supported and paid for to be a STAY AT HOME WIFE.

Forgive the shouting but can posters really not see a difference here?

@Ludlow2 I'll try again!

Asking the same question- does this woman work now?

At 23 she will be finished university.

Is she working and what was her career plan? (Or it the plan to find a rich husband?)

Im not just talking numbers. I'm talking attractive, a nice person and wanting to settle down. If we go by that criteria, the you'll find there's more women in that category than men! Hae a look on the relationships board about women's experiences of dating or chat with your single female friends. It's actually quite difficult particularly in certain circles to find a suitable man to settle down with.

it's a conversation ..... not a question ....

This is my experience too. Though, my baby is a boy but I don't want him growing up believing that it is his job to financially provide and it is the woman's job to cook, clean and look after the children. I don't want my son to be like my father who has 2 children, twins at that but doesn't know how to change a nappy.

I also knew from as long as I can remember that I didn't want to be a SAHM like my own mother.

@Comedycook Maybe the men just aren't using Mumnet? You can't base your theory on how many women post on MN. They are self-selecting.

YABU

It's not a choice I'd want to make but it wasn't that long ago that women were expected to stop working after marriage. And in many parts of the world that's the expectation still.

Good on this girl for being upfront about what she wants from a marriage/life before getting settled down and springing it on someone who might not want the same things. Some men really prefer having a SAHW for various reasons, hopefully if that's what she wants she'll find one of those.

it's sad that the girlfriend is looking for someone to fund her lifestyle rather than support herself.

No young lad in their twenties is gonna want to get with someone who will quit their job as soon as they get married!

most young people want disposable income to go on holiday, buy clothes, meals and drinks out, gigs, etc - so much harder to do that if you are supporting both you and your spouse on your one wage.

this woman who wants to be a stay at home wife can want - but she probably ain’t gonna get!