A 23 year old wants to be a stay at home wife?

[Ludlow2]

Friend's son had a girlfriend and both are 23.
She was keen to marry. Friend's son not so and his parents agreed.
Told him sort your career out,save up, find somewhere you will live. He agreed.
They split.
Both his parents work. My friend, his mother has always worked full-time and has a side business too. She is a great role model an although she is the breadwinner the father also works considerably hard.
Their children have and will benefit from this. They have also instilled good work ethic in their children too.
The friend's son and his ex girlfriend remained friends. She is keen to be with again and said she is happy.to wait and will continue with her studies maybe get a masters etc. She has then said that after marriage she does not want to work.

She thinks work is a want and not a need?

Obviously son Friend's son has run for the hills.
He did tell her it is impossible to survive on one income bla bla. But she just responded with we can move to a cheaper area and I'm not materlistic?

Im.just surprised at this attitude.

The girl's father left the family (Mother and siblings) whilst they were young.
Mother found another partner who comes and goes. Maybe it this why she is craving to be looked after by a man.
However, it sounds all so sad.

He isn't lazy, he isn't sexist and he believes as much as I do that both parents working is the ideal

Well yes most men do want their wives to work...kids or no kids.

What is more important is does he think that both of you doing housework/childcare equally is important?

Or does he just care about equality when it comes to your financial contribution?

Have you ever thought that these “good role models” of working parents aren’t in fact giving out an impression that both parents working is somehow a great way to do things.

Maybe from her POV she sees people working to afford materialistic possessions whilst the children crave their parents time but get a new toy instead.

I was a SAHP for many years because me being at home financially and practically cost a lot less than I could ever have earned going to work

I must admit that the money I saved looking after my own children and having a ge time to really shop around when looking after the financial side of things meant we went on holiday each year, put away money each month and generally had a much better life than if I had to leave the house for work.

This. End of thread.

Yeah, I don't have an issue with stating you'd like to be a SAHM to kids eventually, but I would advise my son to swerve someone as a partner who didn't want to gain much of an important life experience before doing giving up work and wanted to ensure that the burden to earn was perpetually on him. What if he wanted or needed to retrain? Partnerships are much more flexible when both partners have options, even if it is mutually agreed that someone won't use them for a period of time.

That's fine, do what you want for your daughter.

But not sure why you are so interested in you friends sons ex-girlfriend so much.

@HoppingPavlova….. this situation didn’t transpire because of the woman now working, but because she did not take responsibility for ensuring her own security within the life she had chosen. In short she did not handle her shit and ended up with egg on her face. Nothing to do with not working - she abdicated responsibility for her own life.

Oh for goodness sake, one of my grandmothers taught on and off and retired circa 50!! Which was great because she got in 20 years retirement before she died. The other was a SAHM because the civil service made her leave when she got married, she later returned and did some work. Yes the majority were fine and had a better quality of life and actually saw their children and participated fully in their lives.

Sorry for your Grandmothers situation, it sounds that they didn’t forward plan for the worst happening.

And I agree - I like that women have a CHOICE.

In this thread Op is making a whole fuss because of a young women’s choice to be a SAHW. A young women she has no relation to. And she feels she shouldn’t have a choice and should go out to work. That’s as bad as not giving women a choice to work. Double standards.

Of course there is if you have a decent husband who doesn't believe it is all the woman's responsibility.

It's also possible if your job is flexible, you can WFH, you don't always not get home until 6 etc.

It's also optional to have multiple children.

Literally billions of women around the world want to be a housewife at 23, while the man earns.

It was even the norm in this country less than a lifetime ago.

Also, work is a want, not a need.

A certain (basic) amount of wealth is a need. Work is just the most common way to get it.

AIUI she’s not saying she wants to be a SAHM but a SAHW - the former is fine if you can afford it and both partners are on board, the latter is odd. (Maybe she was saying the former and the third hand version we’ve got is mangled).

And that's true if you have low earning potential, but if you are a higher earner, then the maths will inevitably work the other way. It all depends on your earnings relative to the cost of childcare, how flexibly you are able to work etc.

My own mum was very dedicated to her family but she was utterly miserable as a SAHP - bored and unfulfilled. For me, the "role model" aspect that I wanted to fulfil for my dd was very much about how a woman could successfully combine a successful and fulfilling career while being a loving, involved, hands-on parent.

@Comedycook

What is more important is does he think that both of you doing housework/childcare equally is important?

Of course. Which is why I said that he isn't sexist or lazy.

It makes you someone who puts your children's needs first.

It seems hard for some posters to grasp that there are some men out there who genuinely don't see these things as women's work. 🤔

That's good because there's a big difference between a man who supports your career because he doesn't want to take on full financial responsibility for his family and a man who supports your career because he genuinely believes in equality.

@Robinni what is your own situation? Because you seem quite keen to push the agenda that women are better off not working.

I skimmed your long posts but it seems to be that you say divorce is on the cards for women who don’t pack in working when children come along..?

My quality of life also is not ‘crap’ for working, as you eloquently put it. I work full time, I have a child, I earn well through dogged hard work and focusing on my education, I travel, I exercise and I’m pregnant.

Probably as I didn’t marry a twat, but instead married a team player. And I will aim to inspire my daughter to aim high for her own life regarding education, aspirations, independence, career, etc.

I would think any 23 year old woman wanting this lacks ambition and I would think that’s sad, yes

I put my child's needs first. It has never stopped me from working... why on earth would it?

You keep telling yourself that, clearly you need that lie to make yourself feel better about your own lack of career or independence

@milveycrohn Historically working class accounted for about 14%, now it’s 25%, although - greater proportion 40% “perceive” themselves as working class.

Middle to upper class people were not some small subset of society - they accounted for the majority and therefore the majority of women would not have been working until relatively recently.

The discussion isn't about SAHPs. It's about being fully supported, as a choice, with no kids.

No doubt if they then have children she will expect him to do 50% of the child caring too, she sounds to want an easy life at someone else's expense!

Is money not a need for a child?

Wanting to stay with your baby is completely different to deciding at 23 that you won't work again after marriage.

Most housewives nowadays as in no children to take day to day care of....are older. Their kids have grown up...they might have been sahms or worked part time. Their husbands are successful and getting closer to retirement. They may have commitments to elderly parents. Their marriage is very secure.

But to start out that way is very ver risky.

Working class wives have always worked, though not maybe in the type of careers thought of now. They tended to work in factories or shops. This 'women not working' only really applied to a certain middle class type of family from about the 1900s onwards, if that.

This. And those middle class women did have servants. A cook or cook general, a maid (working class women), a gardener.