To expect DH to contribute more?

[amandanorgaard]

Long post alert, sorry!

I posted recently about DH and feeing reluctant to leave the baby (6mo this week) with him as while he is a loving parent he is completely clueless. My mental health has really taken a dip these last few weeks and I'm starting to struggle to cope, I think I'm getting burned out. This last week we have fallen out every night because I end up snapping at him over something minor, but really it's a build up. I have tried to explain all week that I am struggling and need his support. He says the classic, well tell me what you need me to do blah blah. To put it into context, I have done every night feed since DD was born as she's breastfed, so I'm dealing with a little sleep deprivation too.

As an example, tonight I made a list of everything I and he did when he got back from work (7-4). Obviously when he's at work I expect to do 100% of the baby care and household tasks, but when he's at home am I being unreasonable to expect more than this?

DH:
Held crying DD for 20 mins while I did jobs
Bathed the baby when asked to
Walked the dog (30 mins)
Took laundry upstairs when asked to but did not put away

Me;
Planned and delegated all tasks
Put shopping away
Threw out old food
Took rubbish out
Brought laundry in from outside and folded
Prepared DD's tea
Fed DD
Tidied kitchen
Cleaned up from DD's tea/washed up
Cleaned changing area
Got DD dressed after bath
Read story
Breastfeed
Put down to bed
Made mine and DH's tea
Washed up from our tea
Tidied the living room/put toys away
Scrubbed the stains from DH's work shirt
Put another load of laundry in
Hung out that load
Realised folded laundry from earlier had not been put away and so put it away
Pumped
Washed up pump and stored milk
Prepped the steriliser
Fed the dog

After this we sat and watched a film, after which he announced he was going to bed. I was in a state of shock after literally having the conversation about a 50/50 approach this very evening. I went and told him I still had things to do, and I thought we were doing 50/50. 15 mins later he comes down and asks what I want him to do. When asked, he

Hoovered
Put the steriliser on (literally placed it in the microwave)

In the meantime, I wiped round the bathroom, bleached the kitchen sink and then mopped the floors.

Maybe I am expecting too much or am doing an unreasonable amount of cleaning, I do have a Labrador so at least nightly hoovering is a must (I keep the dog out of the living room in the day so it's ideal if I do it last thing before bed).

I just feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown here.

He’s a lazy sod. Sorry you’re dealing with this. you’re not expecting too much at all.

Whoever’s not doing bedtime should be making the dinner - I couldn’t in good grace come downstairs from settling a baby who I’d been looking after all day, whilst their father sat on their arse, and make a meal for them and scrub their shirts (?!) I’d be livid.

It definitely sounds like 1) he's not doing his fair share and 2) you're maybe doing more than necessary. Why are you bleaching the sink and mopping at night? Could you do that during the day whilst DC naps? Or if not leave it until the weekend when dad could either do it or look after DC whilst you do it?

It sounds like you are doing too much and he is a lazy arse. Did the kitchen sink and floors really need doing? But if you were putting the baby to bed then he should have been downstairs making dinner.

If you are pumping, why is he not doing any night feeds? There is no reason he can't give a bottle of breastmilk every night.

Sorry you are finding everything so tough OP, I know how exhausting it can be.

I assume he was walking the dog while you put the baby down? If so; what was he doing while you did all the other jobs? Does he just sit on the sofa and watch you do it? I don’t understand how this can happen?

For context, in our house there are always jobs to be done but the basic rule is that from getting home to sitting down for the night we are both doing jobs the whole time. So my DP does bath and bed, while I do bins / vacuum / tidy / make bottles / sort dog / sort washing etc etc. We don’t need to write lists because we both do jobs at the same time.

I do think you are doing too much though - the sink, mopping etc - if you are exhausted those things don’t need doing.

He needs to not be told what to do but to have a look and figure out what needs to be done.
Working out a task list and giving it to someone is a task in itself.
Much better that eyes are open - look around and just do what needs to be done

Don’t feed him and leave the housework. Go out with dd and make sure you’re fed and so is dd. He can do his own laundry, my dh does his own. Lower your standards and see if he notices. Also, when he arrives home foist dd on him and walk out for a bit. She’s 6mo not a newborn, so you can leave her for longer than 20 minutes, he’ll just have to cope.

It sounds exhausting!

I am probably going to go against the grain here a bit, but while I do think he should be doing more I think evenings should ideally be for relaxing a bit - obviously there are a few tasks that need doing and I get that, but mopping floors and hoovering and bleaching kitchen sinks is quite a lot.

Men should be pulling their weight but that doesn’t mean life should be an endless round of jobs to be completed. Things quickly become quite joyless then, and it will just get you both down.

God, I hate men with no initiative. Me telling you what needs doing means I carry the mental load, still. Look around you, and figure it out - just like I do.

But sorry - bleaching the sink and moping the floors after a movie??? No. Not necessary.

So a few things...

I agree I'm probably doing a bit too much, I've started putting a film on as soon as DD has gone down to bed because otherwise I find things to do until about 9 o clock and then don't get any downtime. Then a quick 'evening reset' means I come down to a clean house in the morning, especially with the constant bloody shedding of the Labrador! We don't have a big house so a hoover and mop of the whole downstairs takes less than 10 mins. I hoover every night and mop twice a week!

I honestly don't know what DH does while I do these things. He sits on his phone/watches TV/disappears into the bathroom for 45 minutes... he walked the dog while I fed the baby her tea, cleaned up from that and tidied the living room...

Oh and a couple more...

I bleached the sink because there was a big gross stain on it from dinner, I don't routinely do that every night lol

And I pump so I have some milk for her breakfast and a supply to leave her with him or my mum for a little while, but my supply isn't fantastic (a recent thing, probs stress) so probably wouldn't stretch to night feeds too!

Stop doing his laundry!

Can you start mixed feeds, or look to drop BF altogether?

This situation is untenable, you need to find ways to change the routine. If the house needs hoovering at night due to a pet, couldn't it wait til the mornings instead? Etc

He's living the life, isn't he? Leisurely walks, leisurely poos, laundry done for him, meals cooked for him, very little baby care.

What do you get, though?

I'll go against the grain here, I think you're doing too much.
A lot of those jobs are normally done earlier in the day, not in the evening when everyone needs time to chill, including you. You seem to be cleaning the kitchen twice, mopping floors and cleaning bathrooms as a "reset". But maybe that's not a priority for dh. I'm sure he usnt pulling his weight aswell, but I think you are definitely doing too much.

He's not doing enough and you're doing too much

How about he cooks tea whilst you're settling the baby, and that includes all the washing up etc. even if it's beans on toast whilst he improves his cooking skills. He should cook tea and there be no sign of tea once he's finished

I agree about the hoovering and reset before bed, with a dog it needs to be done.

I also think you need to take the plunge and start leaving the baby with him once a week so you can get some downtime. This doesn't exclude him for any further work as you don't want to come back to a bomb site and it info all the good

It does sound a bit to me, and I could be very wrong, that you're doing a lot to make your husband sound more lazy. Don't waste time getting stressed because he's not using his initiative, give him a list. Every day when he gets in from work he takes dog and baby for a walk. He does the dishes and bleaches the sink. Etc. Get him in a routine.
Why are you watching a film and then getting up to do the housework? It just sounds like a bit of a joyless existence. If you've got to hoover every night, get yourself a robot hoover.

Yes, treat a grown-ass adult capable of working full time and reproducing as if he's a clueless preteen who doesn't know how to use his eyes and keep his own living space actually liveable. I despair.

I do agree that it's pathetic to need to give your partner/spouse a list, but I do think there's a difference between someone not seeing job X needs doing at all, vs one who doesn't see it needs doing right now.

What me and DH have found works better than the constant delegation (by me) in the early days is that we just assigned whole jobs to one or the other in rough balance. Yes, there are odd occasions when the washing builds up more than I might have let it, but I know that's because he's running his own schedule and it will get done. So I just don't think about it. I'm sure he has days when he is wondering why I haven't hoovered too - but similarly would know it will get done on my schedule!

Maybe something like that would work OP, transfer whole jobs to him permanently but maybe with some starter "X needs doing every day, Y needs doing every week" to set the expectation?

It sounds like your life is exhausting and he’s definitely not pulling his weight. Or listening/changing when you explain. As well as whatever else you do, could you afford a cleaner so that the amount to divide is less? And could you delegate some of the biggest, most obvious tasks to him eg cooking meals, laundry, bathing baby , as he might find them easier to get his head round.
I stopped cooking for my husband when my daughter was a baby and left it up to him. We did end up divorcing a year or two later and I think our attitude of stepping back from caring about what the other person needs and stopping eating together contributed to that. So I guess a shared plan about him cooking for both of you might be better than just quietly going on strike… but honestly, do go on strike if you have to!!

Why are you doing so much?

I do think he's being lazy but half of the jobs you list could be condensed into one or just skipped altogether.

Why don't you just breastfeed at breakfast time? It seems pointless to pump if you're not using the pumped milk to get a break. You know you can use cow's milk in with porridge/cereal etc right?

Show him that list, explain very briefly that this isn't just physical labour in the home, that the mental load of labour too, thinking about what needs doing. Also a phone ban, no phone in his hand or when he goes to the toilet until after x time and no tv until after x time.

Do you want to walk the dog? Get out the house whilst he does things inside the house? On weekends do you leave him in sole charge? To understand the full responsibility of being a parent, of figuring out how to go for a poo with a child who needs to be watched? If you don't then you need to. This is parenting and being an adult.

He no longer gets to ask you to just tell him what needs doing. I am sure he doesn't do this at work so why does he need telling what needs doing at home? He has eyes and a brain. He should use them. Watch the video below with him to make sure he fully gets it, it is a brief overview of The Fair Play method which might open his eyes, even my children have seen it, they are boys and late teens. I have a hands on non-shirking Dh who has set a great example to the children

I'd like to hear his side of it.

from what you've written I think he could pull his weight a bit more around early evening bath/bed/meal time. But in writing your list, you're rather detailing every action instead of bath/bedtime for DD.
Same with DD dinner & washing up. She's 6 months it's hardly the effort of a 4 course 5 star Michelin meal.

and if it's just a 'quick reset' in the evening because that's how you like it, why can't it be done BEFORE the film? You're saying you don't sit down until 9 if you do it that way, because you don't stop. Well that's your choice.

no way would I want to settle down to a film then be expected to do a bunch of stuff before I was able to go to bed.
what I want done in the evening is done before settling down.

listing things you did last night, then when questioned saying you don't usually do every night is disingenious.

why are you scrubbing DH's work wear, that's what laundry products are for and if for some really weird reason they need pretreatment, why can't he do it? Or maybe it's just not necessary?

maybe he just doesn't agree that a lot of this needs doing & thinks that if you do, you can crack on?!

I look after one big hair shedding Labrador, neither my friend, nor I Hoover every night & certainly not right before bed & we are both relatively house proud.

rethink about what's reasonable, talk to DH, get some consensus, then work out who is going to do what.

Have an hour in the evening when he is soley responsible for baby. You get to do nothing in that time. He reads, bathes and gets baby ready for bed.

I think it is a mix of him not doing enough and you perhaps doing a bit too much. It's hard when you see Instagram shots etc of an absolutely spotless house but at 6 MO my house was an absolute tip.

This.

I'd allocate him specific jobs that he does every day, so he knows they need doing - ie empty the bin, feed the dog, hoover, put laundry away. Can't he deal with his own stained shirts?

And I'd leave floor mopping until the weekend.

I'd just say to him "neither of us sit down tol everything is done".

He plays with and bathes baby while you do chores. You feed baby and put them to sleep while he cooks dinner. Watch TV/film while you eat. Then one of you does dishes the other rotates the laundry. Then that's the end of the jobs.

Seriously, save the vacuuming and mopping for daytimes or weekends.

He doesn't sound like he is doing enough but also, you sound like you are doing too much.

Husband doing too little and you’re doing too much-no wonder resentment is brewing.

In our house general rule is no one sits down in the evening until all jobs done. As I’m fedding/doing bedtime partner will ask what needs doing. We do one dinner and eat with the kids that makes for a much more relaxed evening.

Both of you need to speak more. Think about having a daily/weekly list of jobs and tick them off as you go along. Clear then to both of you what needs doing.