To expect DH to contribute more?

[amandanorgaard]

Long post alert, sorry!

I posted recently about DH and feeing reluctant to leave the baby (6mo this week) with him as while he is a loving parent he is completely clueless. My mental health has really taken a dip these last few weeks and I'm starting to struggle to cope, I think I'm getting burned out. This last week we have fallen out every night because I end up snapping at him over something minor, but really it's a build up. I have tried to explain all week that I am struggling and need his support. He says the classic, well tell me what you need me to do blah blah. To put it into context, I have done every night feed since DD was born as she's breastfed, so I'm dealing with a little sleep deprivation too.

As an example, tonight I made a list of everything I and he did when he got back from work (7-4). Obviously when he's at work I expect to do 100% of the baby care and household tasks, but when he's at home am I being unreasonable to expect more than this?

DH:
Held crying DD for 20 mins while I did jobs
Bathed the baby when asked to
Walked the dog (30 mins)
Took laundry upstairs when asked to but did not put away

Me;
Planned and delegated all tasks
Put shopping away
Threw out old food
Took rubbish out
Brought laundry in from outside and folded
Prepared DD's tea
Fed DD
Tidied kitchen
Cleaned up from DD's tea/washed up
Cleaned changing area
Got DD dressed after bath
Read story
Breastfeed
Put down to bed
Made mine and DH's tea
Washed up from our tea
Tidied the living room/put toys away
Scrubbed the stains from DH's work shirt
Put another load of laundry in
Hung out that load
Realised folded laundry from earlier had not been put away and so put it away
Pumped
Washed up pump and stored milk
Prepped the steriliser
Fed the dog

After this we sat and watched a film, after which he announced he was going to bed. I was in a state of shock after literally having the conversation about a 50/50 approach this very evening. I went and told him I still had things to do, and I thought we were doing 50/50. 15 mins later he comes down and asks what I want him to do. When asked, he

Hoovered
Put the steriliser on (literally placed it in the microwave)

In the meantime, I wiped round the bathroom, bleached the kitchen sink and then mopped the floors.

Maybe I am expecting too much or am doing an unreasonable amount of cleaning, I do have a Labrador so at least nightly hoovering is a must (I keep the dog out of the living room in the day so it's ideal if I do it last thing before bed).

I just feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown here.

Baby or no baby, if someone was expecting me to hoover, mop, bleach every single day I would be reconsidering my relationship. You're doing an insane amount of stuff that just doesn't need to be done every day. That list of yours is batshit, you're not competing with your husband and there are no awards for cleanest floor. Slow down a bit fgs because what you're doing right now is unsustainable for your health and your relationship.

You are doing too much.
Do the housework during the day whilst DD naps or sit DD in bouncer/ jumperoo they can watch you at that age (then you can rest when she naps).
Some of the tasks don’t need doing daily so they could be cut down. The food shop won’t be done daily.
Use a slow cooker or batch cook to save time at tea time, your DD is now 6 months so could also eat this and it could be given at a separate time if needed.
Get your DH to do his own laundry and put away his own clothes, I wouldn’t be scrubbing the stains out his shirt after doing all that.
Do you need to pump if this isn’t really being used anyway? Would save you using the steriliser. Cows milk can be used in food from 6 months.

You’re doing too much (as in there is too much cleaning in total) and he should be doing more, unless you’ve described a really unrepresentative day and these are weekly rather than daily tasks. A 6 month old can presumably have the odd bottle of formula without the world ending so he can do some night feeds if you don’t feel your supply is up to pumping for night feeds as well as what you’re already pumping for?

We agreed that the priority for the WOHP in the evenings was to spend time with baby.

So we had a routine which we established and maintained as the children got older.

When DH got home from work we had tea which I prepared while DH played with baby. We then (including baby as soon as they could pick up a toy and put it in a box) tidied up the lounge. DH then bathed the baby and got them to the point where I gave them a breastfeed, while I tidied up the kitchen and put a load of washing on (to go overnight and be hung up in the morning).. We reversed this at weekends so DH did the cooking/cleaning and I did the bathing.

Once baby was in bed, we both relaxed and tried to do no more housework.

I think it would be worthwhile if you and DH between you came up with something similar that would work for you?

Well he's not totally idle is he as he's working FT which presumably enables you to be a SAHM?

You're making life to be a constant nonstop round of chores with yourself as the taskmaster.

Stop cleaning in the evenings. You can cook tea together and clear up together and put baby in bed together. If you have t got a dishwasher, get one. And that's it. Everything else gets left till the next day or not done. I feel sorry for so many young mums nowadays because their housekeeping standards are often ridiculously high due to the pressure of social media and idiots like Mrs Hinch and it's honestly no way to live.

Putting baby to bed should be done while the other person makes dinner. You come down and relax with a nice plate of food.

After watching a film and chilling out, why would you then get up and do more chores? I just couldn't be bothered. It's your time to have a bath, surf the net or get an early night to catch up on sleep.

Husband doesn't do enough but it's not your job to instruct him. Stop doing so much and let him react when it builds up.

It sounds like needs to step up more but equally you’re doing a ridiculous amount of things in the evening.
what on Earth are you sterilising if you bf?

The baby's 6 months old, it called maternity leave which is different to stay at home parent!

Start planning to share some of your maternity leave.

If you take the full year then go back it will be really difficult to rebalance the household load when you are working and you will forever be the expert who has to delegate and manage him. Instead go back to work a couple of months earlier and let him manage the house, kids and pets while you are out.

Also I hope you are detached or don't like your neighbours. Hoovering at bedtime seems a quick way to piss them off!

This situation is happening because you're enabling it to. I'm sorry but you sound like a 1950's housewife.

Stop. Enjoy your baby. Rest when they're asleep. Sod the bloody housework, you'll never get this time back again with your baby.

Let him scrub his own shirts. In the kindest way, you're in grave danger of becoming a martyr to him.

Me;
Planned and delegated all tasks
Put shopping away
Threw out old food
Took rubbish out
Brought laundry in from outside and folded
Prepared DD's tea
Fed DD
Tidied kitchen
Cleaned up from DD's tea/washed up
Cleaned changing area
Got DD dressed after bath
Read story
Breastfeed
Put down to bed
Made mine and DH's tea
Washed up from our tea
Tidied the living room/put toys away
Scrubbed the stains from DH's work shirt
Put another load of laundry in
Hung out that load
Realised folded laundry from earlier had not been put away and so put it away
Pumped
Washed up pump and stored milk
Prepped the steriliser
Fed the dog

All of this is just standard SAHP duties. Easily less than 2.5 hours if efficient.

Meanwhile it looks like he's done an hour, while also working 8 hours presumably?

Looks like you've got a good deal!

If you're feeling swamped then you need to be more efficient.

Clean the house once per day. Cook a large amount for the whole day. Do chores while food is cooking. Etc.

I'd have to agree with you here, some of these tasks don't take much time at all while others seem like tasks you really shouldn't need to do every day. Anything that can't get done during the day should just simply wait till the next day, no point spending hours a day cleaning with a baby & a dog.

Also cooking wise, you've mentioned your DD is breastfed, but have also spoken about sterilising & making her tea....

For adult food, i'd advise you to batch cook or meal plan once or twice a week to save both of you while baby is still young. One of you cooks, the other does the dishes, should be less than an hour of evening time.

That very much read like a post to rouse the masses into of course he is a lazy bastard as you have literally presented two very uneven lists.

But your list includes a lot of stuff that does not read like typical evening chores and certainly not daily chores. I think maybe you should assess things a little more objectively instead of going out of your way to show the disparity as I suspect it is not as bad as your very over the top lists suggest.

I think he should be doing a bit more but I also think your standards are too high. Surely the hoovering and mopping could wait until the morning? Doing it every day is a bit much even with a dog. I recommend a Eufy robot hoover by the way!

Some people need checklists (I am one of them), so my husband and I have a shared chores list app so we can add and tick off things as we think of them. Saves me the mental load of trying to remember them all.

I don't see why your husband couldn't wash his own work shirt though - I wouldn't even have offered. And I would have asked him to cook while I did bedtime.

After this we sat and watched a film, after which he announced he was going to bed. I was in a state of shock after literally having the conversation about a 50/50 approach this very evening. I went and told him I still had things to do, and I thought we were doing 50/50.

If I got up from the end of a movie and said goodnight to go to bed, and DH deigned to ‘look at me in a state of shock’ because I wasn’t heading off to bleach, scrub and mop (?!?), I’d be fucking murderous.

You’re losing any goodwill, let alone moral high ground, with this approach.

You need him to do his fair share when you’re both at home, and that’s stone cold fair enough.

But going over the top like this is not conducive to a happy, healthy, mutually satisfying and sustaining relationship.

You’re both on a one-way ticket to Resentment Town.

Completely agree.
I don't really understand why OP and others think Mat leave means not doing some basic housework?
Can you imagine if a man was SAH for 9 months with a baby and did no chores?
It would be LTB!

You are doing too much 🤷‍♀️

Why are you doing all that cleaning?

Yes he could do a bit more but honestly you don't need to be running about doing all that cleaning in the evening.