To expect DH to contribute more?

[amandanorgaard]

Long post alert, sorry!

I posted recently about DH and feeing reluctant to leave the baby (6mo this week) with him as while he is a loving parent he is completely clueless. My mental health has really taken a dip these last few weeks and I'm starting to struggle to cope, I think I'm getting burned out. This last week we have fallen out every night because I end up snapping at him over something minor, but really it's a build up. I have tried to explain all week that I am struggling and need his support. He says the classic, well tell me what you need me to do blah blah. To put it into context, I have done every night feed since DD was born as she's breastfed, so I'm dealing with a little sleep deprivation too.

As an example, tonight I made a list of everything I and he did when he got back from work (7-4). Obviously when he's at work I expect to do 100% of the baby care and household tasks, but when he's at home am I being unreasonable to expect more than this?

DH:
Held crying DD for 20 mins while I did jobs
Bathed the baby when asked to
Walked the dog (30 mins)
Took laundry upstairs when asked to but did not put away

Me;
Planned and delegated all tasks
Put shopping away
Threw out old food
Took rubbish out
Brought laundry in from outside and folded
Prepared DD's tea
Fed DD
Tidied kitchen
Cleaned up from DD's tea/washed up
Cleaned changing area
Got DD dressed after bath
Read story
Breastfeed
Put down to bed
Made mine and DH's tea
Washed up from our tea
Tidied the living room/put toys away
Scrubbed the stains from DH's work shirt
Put another load of laundry in
Hung out that load
Realised folded laundry from earlier had not been put away and so put it away
Pumped
Washed up pump and stored milk
Prepped the steriliser
Fed the dog

After this we sat and watched a film, after which he announced he was going to bed. I was in a state of shock after literally having the conversation about a 50/50 approach this very evening. I went and told him I still had things to do, and I thought we were doing 50/50. 15 mins later he comes down and asks what I want him to do. When asked, he

Hoovered
Put the steriliser on (literally placed it in the microwave)

In the meantime, I wiped round the bathroom, bleached the kitchen sink and then mopped the floors.

Maybe I am expecting too much or am doing an unreasonable amount of cleaning, I do have a Labrador so at least nightly hoovering is a must (I keep the dog out of the living room in the day so it's ideal if I do it last thing before bed).

I just feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown here.

It sounds like you are making work.
I never did housework in the evenings.
Always earlier in the day.
Prep dinner and have it ready to either bung in the oven or slow cooker.
All cleaning done, baby in sling if necessary.
Ditto bins, hoovering and bathroom cleaning.
After dinner one bathes baby, the other clears up dinner.
Both sit down at 7.30pm

Get a robot hoover. Just needs switching on, so saves that job every night.

I think you need to work smarter not harder. But saying that your DH does in fact work from 7-4 which seems to be dismissed here as inconsequential. I wouldn’t want to bleach the sink either at 9pm if I were him.

He can do it, he just doesn’t want to. Or thinks it’s your Job because you’re home all day. Taking the dog for a 30 minute walk and having leisurely poos is avoidance.
I read this this wasn’t me but I can relate to it. “Someone once asked me, when my children were small and I wasn’t in paid employment at the time, what I did all day… so I stopped doing what is was that I did all day and he came home to a shit tip of a house, no dinner, kids toys everywhere, no clean clothes, washing still on the line..he asked what happened. I said ‘ You asked what I did all day, well, I didn’t do it”.
Just stop doing as much OP, he can take the bins out, he can wash up after dinner, or do the bloody dinner! He’s as equally equipped as you are at doing laundry, it’s not rocket science. He can bathe the baby, he could even put her in the buggy and take her with him on one of his half hourly walks with the dog.

As she is home all day I wouldn't be very happy if I was told to start cleaning the minute I got home from work.
Dinner, bathing baby etc shared.

It’s good for things to be equal, but equal doesn’t mean one person dictates what the other does for their every waking hour either.

So if you think about the ‘tasks’ listed, it is basically feeding, tidying and cleaning. None of them are unfair in themselves but them being presented to the husband when he walks in the door as a list of things to be done (and being in a ‘state of shock’ when they weren’t all done) is unreasonable.

All in all it sounds joyless and miserable. A family home really doesn’t need to be run like a military operation.

Do you rest while baby has a nap? At least sit down have a leisurely lunch , read a book etc. When l was at SAHM l got all housework done in the first hour after breakfast as couldn't be cleaning all day. Then head out for a walk ..meet a friend...go to the library etc. Factor in more self care for yourself if possible.
Good idea about dh taking baby in buggy on dog walk so you get some head space.
Give dh lots of responsibility at the weekend

I agree with others about him not doing enough and you possibly doing too much. The thing that would irritate me most is that he seems to be doing the absolute minimum i.e. take laundry upstairs as asked, but won't put it away even though it's obvious that it's part if the same job; will give baby a bath, as asked, but didn't get her dressed even though that's the obvious necessary next step. Could you do some of the chores (e.g. throwing out food, laundry, planning, food prep) during the day? He could do more and also be more efficient e.g. take baby when he walks the dog to give you a chance to do jobs or rest, whichever you prefer. I think the easiest thing may be to make him responsible for childcare and bedtime routine (except feeding) while you do chores, as it otherwise sounds like he'll just sit around. But whoever is not doing baby's bedtime should be making dinner.

One thing I learned not to do was critique or do over jobs my DH had done. I once manned about his dusting technique. He dined duster and said ‘ You’re welcome to and went to the pub. So I keep quiet now. Example, he doesn’t Hoover to ‘my standards’ or clean the windows like I do. But at least they’ve been done and it’s one less job for me to do, plus he cleans the shower and all skirtings because I can’t kneel down now, (need a new knee).

Moaned. Downed duster.

Hoovering every day is excessive! Have you always hoovered or is it since you’ve been on maternity? I would feel exhausted working 7-4 then dog walk, childcare and cleaning.

I absolutely agree that the situation is unsustainable. I like the suggestions of planning out chores and getting into a routine, where it gets difficult is that DH works a rotation of shifts so each week is different and he's not off every weekend. I think we'd have to sit down and do it weekly, we can trial it and see how we get on.

I also take it on board that I definitely am excessively houseproud, I've always been that way and I simply can't relax if I consider my home messy! I accept that means I'll end up doing more cleaning, I always have done! But the shared jobs like cooking, laundry and childcare I think should be split more evenly. I try and get as much as I can done in the day but DD is a terrible napper and it doesn't always work out that way!

There's no way I would be doing all you do with a 6 mo. No wonder you are burnt out. I wonder if your DH thinks it's too much too. If my DH told me I needed to hoover or bleach the sink at 10pm when it had been hoovered the day before I'd tell him to do one. That siad, if he has the same standards as you it's fair he does his share.

Can you splash out for a cleaner - even biweekly - just while baby is young and things are overwhelming?

I do have a Labrador so at least nightly hoovering is a must it really isn't though? Try doing it every other day?

He absolutely isn't doing enough, but conversely, you are doing far too much and are almost certainly making work where it absolutely isn't necessary.

My MIL was rather like this. She would see jobs that "needed doing" where nobody else would have seen them at all. I once found her kneeling down by my back door polishing the cat flap to within an inch of its life. She had also polished the children's wellies, which were gleaming more than they did the day that they were bought brand new.

I'm not saying that you are as extreme as my MIL could be, but these were necessary jobs according to her. They were never repeated in this house since that memorable occasion as I think life is far too short for that.

You sound like you clean much of the house in the evening. That surely isn't needed. Do a blitz if needed during the day when baby is asleep. Then surely all that needs to be done in the evening after baby is in bed is some cooking and washing up.

@amandanorgaard - you don't get any medals for being a martyr.

You're doing too much and a lot of it doesn't need to be done. As your child grows you'll realise that such a level of cleanliness every day is unsustainable. My home when my children were young was often a mild mess - no one died or got tetanus.

You sayd that you can't relax if the house isn't clean to the level you'd like it to be - I suggest you need to reset YOUR expectations of yourself.

I would also get more comfortable with playing brinkmanship. For example, you scrubbed the stain out of your DH's shirt. There was no need for you to do that. It's his shirt, so his choice as to whether he scrubs it or goes to work with a stained shirt.

This game of brinkmanship can also be played to excellent effect with other household tasks from which your DH immediately sees a benefit. E.g. changing the bin, folding and putting away laundry, making the tea.

But isn't that just reality when you have a young child and a dog?

While I do think OP's schedule is excessive, you're never going to be able to kick back after work when you have a baby and a dog to look after!

But the shared jobs like cooking, laundry and childcare I think should be split more evenly.

Childcare and cooking yes, but can you not get the laundry done during the day? It only takes a couple of minutes to put the machine on and you can leave it all to be put away at the end of the day.

The same with dishes and cooking - one can cook both meals and then one washes up both meals. There's no need to list dishes as multiple separate tasks when they only need doing once before bed.

As a dog owner I do agree with you that daily hoovering is pretty much essential but it's just something you can do in a few minutes while DH walks the dog - it doesn't have to be this huge extra task.

He does need to do more but I think you’re doing more than necessary. I only wipe down kitchen after dinner, mop floor maybe one a week. But do remember the only want to improve his confidence with the baby is leaving them alone together.‘I think you need to plan a day out,
preferably night away, so he’s just got to get on with it

But the shared jobs like cooking, laundry and childcare I think should be split more evenly. I try and get as much as I can done in the day but DD is a terrible napper and it doesn't always work out that way!

I don't really think that cooking and laundry should be split evenly in a WOHP+SAHP situation. Those are some of the jobs that you should be able to do while he is at work.

And get a tumble dryer if you have space for one, hanging out and bringing in that many loads of laundry is a huge time sink.

When he says " tell me/ask me what to do " ask him back,

" DH, who tells me what to do? Who writes me a list of what needs doing? No one because I'm a grown adult with a family so I use my eyes to see what needs to be done and take the initiative to do it, why do you think it's fair that I have another job of organising YOU a list when no one does one for me? Why? "

What are you doing when he’s at work? Seems to me you’re leaving a lot for when he returns home. If you agreed to stay at home while he works there is always going to be some expectation of you doing more of the housework - but the jobs you described seem like you’re cramming a full days housework for when he gets back. So what are you doing when he isn’t there?

I get it. As a new mum and being at home, time management can go out of the window, but there is no possible reason for you to need to do all that in 2 hours if you were on top of the housework during the day & learned to prioritise the most important bits. When I was on mat leave baby laundry was done daily but adults’ laundry was done weekly to 2-weekly. I batch cooked. Cleaning was hygiene centred - so mopping / washing up / wiping - yes. Tidying - no.

And I had pnd so I did all of it slowly throughout the day while pausing to breastfeed and nappy change my babies. By the time DH came home - only post-dinner clean up and baby’s bath was left which he did while I chilled.

You’re home to look after the baby, not do the housework. You need to remember that. And your DH is faciliating this to an extent. It is absolutely unfair on him for you to go off on a tangent on the bites you enjoy about housework while leaving him with 50/50 on the most timeconsuming and important bits.

Laundry, childcare and cooking should not be shared evenly. You should be expected to do more of this as you have 8 hours more each day to do itz

What are you doing when he’s at work? Seems to me you’re leaving a lot for when he returns home. If you agreed to stay at home while he works there is always going to be some expectation of you doing more of the housework

The baby is only 6 months old so I assume the OP is on maternity leave. This is to care for the baby not an opportunity to become the household skivvy.

Completely agree with this. It sounds like you have a version of tidy that is different to his. If I’d worked all day and came home to nothing but chores I’d find a reason to stay out later.
Be kind to yourself as well. No one will judge you for not having mopped your floors or having a pile of washing up. Embrace a bit of mess and don’t be so hard on yourself in how things have to look. Having a six month old is hard work, so focus on rest and recuperating after a long day rather than just a reset for the next day of drudgery.