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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Don’t want to share anymore baby news with brother/SIL - AIBU?

110 replies

RozaBaby · 15/05/2023 18:43

Hi all!

I announced to my family that I’m 14w, I told my dad and step mum in person as they live in the same city as I do, they had an absolutely heartwarming reaction, it was lovely!

I then text my brother as he lives 4 hours away, I told him by sending the scan photos and something along the lines of “a happy and welcome surprise!” He immediately called me and asked what it was, whose it was, and how many weeks. After this, he tells SIL he’s on the phone with me and I hear an annoyed “why?” In the background, he says “because of this” and (I assume) shows her the photos, her voice gets more irritated as she says “whose is that?!” And he responds with my name, she asks again in a more annoyed voice, “how many weeks?” He tells her 14w and she, once again, even more annoyed says, “no it isn’t! What’s the f- due date then?!” He asks me, I respond, and he repeats it, she goes silent and he follows up with “I’ll call you back” and hangs up.

My partner, dad, and step mum thought this was a disgusting and ridiculous response! I was baffled with the reaction!

Later that night, I receive a text from my brother saying something like “are you planning on keeping it or what?” My partner was instantly annoyed with this as he felt it was pure disrespect due to my past miscarriage which my family knows about. I responded yes, and we haven’t had contact since.

I really do not want to interact with either my brother or SIL after this, I’m not sure if I want to cut contact completely but after this I do not wish to give anymore updates on the baby or my pregnancy journey. Is this an unreasonable way to feel?

More context as I feel some might wonder: me and brother had a decent relationship with no animosity, he and my SIL have 6 children together.

OP posts:
Thatsridiculous · 15/05/2023 20:31

If you previously had a good relationship then why not ask him?

If my sister responded like that to me I would ask her.

Zone2NorthLondon · 15/05/2023 20:37

Congratulations on your happy news, you & your partner must be thrilled
Look after yourself, don’t get into any débâcle arguments about this,it’s a strange reaction. Potentially something going on they’re not disclosing

LindorDoubleChoc · 15/05/2023 20:40

Well that's all very mystifying. I think I would have a go at asking DB why he and DSIL were so underwhelmed/irritated by my happy news before cutting contact.

Godlovesall26 · 15/05/2023 20:40

I would bet on your SIL being at the source of that message. And your brother (understandably, in a way) not wanting to rock his wife’s feelings with 6 kids together. If you have an otherwise good relationship with him, I’d take ‘I’ll call you back’ as a way to try to protect you from whatever else she might have been about to say.
Id try a private conversation with your brother when you’re sure she isn’t present, maybe mention you found her reaction weird to give him an opportunity to explain if he wants, but otherwise sounds like you’ll have to separate the two of them in your mind for the time being. At the end of the day, SIL I imagine isn’t the most significant person in your life, and after 6 kids your brother’s decision to stay seems clear, so I’d try not to burn unnecessary bridges with him for now.
If the behavior repeats sure, or if he stands by sending that message strongly, but sounds like he was put on the spot, if he’s otherwise been great, you can give time to see how things evolve.

Godlovesall26 · 15/05/2023 20:43

Godlovesall26 · 15/05/2023 20:40

I would bet on your SIL being at the source of that message. And your brother (understandably, in a way) not wanting to rock his wife’s feelings with 6 kids together. If you have an otherwise good relationship with him, I’d take ‘I’ll call you back’ as a way to try to protect you from whatever else she might have been about to say.
Id try a private conversation with your brother when you’re sure she isn’t present, maybe mention you found her reaction weird to give him an opportunity to explain if he wants, but otherwise sounds like you’ll have to separate the two of them in your mind for the time being. At the end of the day, SIL I imagine isn’t the most significant person in your life, and after 6 kids your brother’s decision to stay seems clear, so I’d try not to burn unnecessary bridges with him for now.
If the behavior repeats sure, or if he stands by sending that message strongly, but sounds like he was put on the spot, if he’s otherwise been great, you can give time to see how things evolve.

Otherwise, you definitely don’t have to send any updates in the meantime or for the whole duration, your well-being matters more

MountainChalet · 15/05/2023 20:44

You should have a word with your brother, preferably at a time he's not at home. Their attitude was absolutely disgusting. Hope he apologizes for their reaction.

TiaraBoo · 15/05/2023 21:05

@RozaBaby Congratulations!

did the last message sound like something your brother would write? Because it does make more sense if it came from your SIL instead of someone who read your first message and had a short conversation with.

I ‘think’ I would message him back at a time when he’s at work so only he sees it, with something short along the lines of “what was that last message about?”

But no YANBU to feel that way

Ionlydrinkondaysendinginy · 15/05/2023 21:10

Unless you have faked pregnancies in the past I don't understand the reaction it was like they didn't believe your actually pregnant

qanapoo · 15/05/2023 21:20

Unbelievably weird

Zee1345 · 15/05/2023 21:28

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I guess you never really know what's going on with people but I feel as if they have suffered a loss it's still not an excuse to react in such a way and even go as far as to say "are you keeping it" it's such an weird reaction, many people have losses and find out a relative or friend is pregnant and even though it is painful you still feel happy for the other person and congratulate them.

I personally think if your brother and sil kids are the only ones who have grandchildren right now then maybe they feel jealous ( more so your Sil) as other people have suggested maybe she feels her kids won't be as "important" now or something.

I would either ask your brother privately or just don't share any further updates from now on about the baby and the pregnancy, if he brings it up you can always bring up his reaction to when you told him you was pregnant.

MayThe4th · 15/05/2023 21:33

OP, was your previous pregnancy unplanned?

Is it possible that they’d suspected or thought or assumed that you’d had a termination and said it was a MC? So when you’ve announced your pregnancy this time they’ve asked whether you’re keeping it assuming that you didn’t keep the last one?

SemperIdem · 15/05/2023 21:35

What bizarre behaviour.

I’d not bother much with them going forward. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

FictionalCharacter · 15/05/2023 21:36

Nothing excuses them saying those things and being so rude. None of the reasons people have suggested give someone an excuse to be like that.
I’d definitely ask them why they reacted like that.
Congratulations @RozaBaby !

CantGetDecentNickname · 15/05/2023 21:40

SIL is either furious you have, in her eyes, stolen her thunder, or she has strong religious views on DC born out of wedlock. Either way, she should have kept it to herself and wished you well. I'd be giving them a wide berth and only communicate the birth to them after you have told everyone else.

Ineedtoloseweightnow · 15/05/2023 21:42

Are you married or do you still have the same surname as your brother? Could she possibly be pregnant? Just wondering if the scan said Ms Baby instead of Ms Roza Baby he might have thought shit how did she get that how does she know?! Doesn’t quite explain the wife’s reaction hers maybe from a jealousy place if she’s pregnant but no need ever never mind after having 6 already!

Smineusername · 15/05/2023 21:42

Mad! Sounds like they don't really see you as an adult? Either way they owe you an apology, especially the trxt, way out of order

Thepossibility · 15/05/2023 21:43

I would text my DB and tell him I found his reaction weird and hurtful.
You managed to be happy for his 6 children.

Thepossibility · 15/05/2023 21:44

But I would assume jealousy that your child will be favoured over theirs.

Boomboom22 · 15/05/2023 21:48

It does sound very odd! My main question is more context. Are you for example 19 been with partner since 16 and he is mid 30s? I'm assuming they started young to have 6 kids but could be wrong.

ThereIbledit · 15/05/2023 21:48

That's a horrific message to have sent. I'd put money on it being from her not him.

Boomboom22 · 15/05/2023 21:49

Sorry I meant eg you and bf 19 and your brother 35

Boomboom22 · 15/05/2023 21:50

If you are 24 or above then it's even more odd!

abmac95 · 15/05/2023 21:57

are you very young? not that this excuses their rudeness but they maybe just think you aren't ready and were surprised.

Issania87 · 15/05/2023 22:01

Sounds like she's similarly pregnant to me

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/05/2023 22:01

Again - and I seem to write this on multiple threads - why are people trying to come up with a reason for him/her saying this? It's rude, mean, thoughtless - regardless of whatever is going on in their lives. Most adults are able to be civil even if their lives are shitty.

Congratulations @RozaBaby I hope everything runs smoothly for you. Don't cut your brother out, just don't concern yourself with keeping him up to date.