Mum prioritising new partner over grandkids

[KatnissE]

Name change for privacy - I've been on mumsnet for ages.

I've got two kids, upper primary school age. I live a day's travel from my mum. My mum and I both moved away from the place I grew up. I have a sister who is also a long way way from either of us.

My mum always talked about how much she wanted grandkids. Now that the grandkids exist, it seems really hard to get her to take an interest in them. She loves the occasional photograph, but she hardly ever visits. We visit her as often as I can.

She has a new partner, whose needs always seem to take priority over everything else. I don't think this is coercion on his part, I really think that it's her getting wrapped up in a new partner. The new partner has grandkids, and she will go out of her way to babysit them, but she hasn't looked after my kids in years.

I'm not complaining about the lack of childcare, I'm just really sad that my kids don't have a "grandparent" relationship. I'm non contact with my father, and my partner's parents are either passed away or unwell.

AIBU in being a bit disappointed?

So you expect her to do what exactly when you live away from each other? YABU, should she run everything past you first just in case she upsets you. ?

YANBU - however, your mum has showed you where her priorities lie. As sad as it is and how hurt for yourself and your children you feel there is nothing you can say or do to change this dynamic.

Just remember not to be this type of mother to your kids in the future and remember ultimately it is her loss as she will never get this time back

Visit once or even twice a year would be a good start. The distance is a barrier, but she travels further for holidays.

Have you invited her to stay?

You just need to accept her and the situation for what it is. Do your kids have other family, maybe the other set of grandparents you could focus spending time with more? I would invite her over, but not worry too much about visiting her. Have you told her how you feel?

Yes. She won't come without the new partner, and so wants to schedule everything around him. Once we work out schedules, there aren't many times in the year that are suitable. It also feels like holidays and her partner's kids/grandkids take precedence.

No-one else. We make time to see the grandparent who is unwell, but they really can't do much these days.

I understand how you feel about this, it’s very sad that you mum doesn’t want more time with her grandchildren. It’s a difficult one though, not helped by the distance. I’m guessing that your mum has found love and is very much into her new relationship. It doesn’t matter what age you are, a new love in your life is quite intense. When the dust settles she may realise what she’s missing. Bide your time and then gently have a chat with her. 💐

My mother is like this, still married to my father so it’s not coming from him -he is more interested than her - which to say is still not a lot. Tbh in their mind we are all very close but honestly my kids are teenagers now and are quite happy not to see them. (Me too if I’m honest) - it used to upset me the lack of interest and we had a big argument about it but nothing changed. They just keep us on standby to trot out at family events, I don’t drop everything like I used to anymore. Like you it’s not about the babysitting- we have never expected that from them, but more about the lack of caring and interest.

Why can’t he be invited too?

You're obviously not wrong or unreasonable to feel disappointed ❤️
But at the same time, that distance was always going to be an issue, and her priority lies with the people she sees every day. At least she’s not lonely eh?

He is invited, but he's busy running a business and with his grand kids, so it's hard for him to find time. It's natural that they take priority for him - I just wish my mum wouldn't put his stuff ahead of my kids.

Yes, MIL is like this and DP was initially pretty upset by it. They had a pretty bad relationship but after FIL's death DP made a fresh start of it, we went on holiday together, included her as much as possible once DS1 was born. She never helped with babysitting but she used to make the effort to visit and seemed to really enjoy spending time with DS1. We also made the effort to visit her. Then she got a new partner and we hardly see her, and when we do she prioritises adult conversation and doesn't really engage with DS1. She's pretty anxious generally, so my initial take was that she just wanted to make sure her partner didn't feel left out, but we've met him a good handful of times now and I'm at the stage where I'm more annoyed that DS1 is left out! I still get angry thinking about DS1 trying to get her to build sandcastles with him when he was 3 and she instead chose to sit by her partner while he rearranged a dentist appointment on the phone...

We've just massively lowered our expectations and make less effort. On the whole the relationship is good for her and takes a lot of pressure off of DP, but I don't think she realises the extent she's damaged her relationships with all her children. We're not the only ones that have noticed a change in how the GC are treated.

I am glad that she's happy, and did worry in the past about her being lonely. I've often wanted to move closer to her, but I'm really worried that I would make a massive career sacrifice and leave my friends behind, and she would still be not interested.

Very much like this. I'm really glad that she's enjoying her new relationship, but she makes every visit about him, and not the kids. I actually quite like her new partner, and he's pretty considerate. They've been together long enough that I was hoping that some of the shine would have worn off by now!

YANBU to be disappointed. My mum lives an hour away but doesn't drive so visits are always from me which I do regularly although she can travel by train but never has.

I recently had a really honest and frank conversation with mum about this. Whilst it won't change anything it was really good to be honest about her lack of interest in my DC and get it off my chest. She didn't argue with anything I said and accepted it and actually apologised. She's just not that way inclined and I find it easier to accept having gotten it off my chest.

Can you have a talk about it OP?

You are NBU . I get the way you would feel. It’s understandable. Probably not much you can do though .

OP- I really do empathise with you. I lost my mum when I was fairly young and my dad started online dating 4 weeks later. We had a massive row about it as I found it really disrespectful. I had no issue with him wanting a partner but the fact he did it so soon was really upsetting. He did find someone and much like your situation, she came before anything. He moved away from me and into the area where she lived. When I had my children, he showed no interest at all. The day I gave birth I rang him to tell him and he said he'd have to wait to see what her plans were first before he would come and see his first grandchild. I am an only child so I have no other family. I cried. A lot.

Thats the pattern that was to continue as I had my second child. I was glad he met someone he liked (I never wanted him to be lonely but just show a little interest in us) and actually she encouraged him to spend time with me but he was so obsessed with her it felt like I was just an after thought.

Ironically, he then became ill and they split up and I dont think it was a coincidence that she left him the moment he got ill. I was the one who then had to step up to care for him. Because he lived so far away (his choice to move away) now there wasnt a great deal I could do but I did what I could. He died a few years ago and my kids have no real memory of their grandad because he just wasnt around and showed them no interest.

What helped me was facing the reality of the situation. You cannot force someone to show interest. I lowered my expectations of him and leant on other people instead- my husband, friends, etc It was painful AF but I realised that in the long run- he was the one who missed out. He died not knowing how wonderful his grandchildren were and he missed out on that grandad experience completely. I think deep down he also realised that when the shit hit the fan, this woman he had put on such a huge pedestal was not there for him, I was. I had some therapy after he died and this really helped me to process my feelings on it. You are not being unreasonable, its very painful to feel that your own parent doesnt seem to give a toss about getting to know your children. I think all I'd say is- allow yourself to feel whatever you feel, its ok to feel upset and disappointed. Accept those feelings and accept that you cannot control how others act but you can control how you react to it. Dont allow this to drag you down. In my experience with my dad, he was the one who I believe lost out in this scenario and now its too late.

Dont move near to her- she made her choice. Moving nearer to my dad wouldnt have made an ounce of difference to his attitude- live your life the way you want to and let her get on with hers.

I've spoken to her about specific events in the past, but I think I need to have another talk about the overall pattern.

I've carried a lot of guilt about being the one who first moved away. She also made a lot of sacrifices for my sister and I when we were growing up, so I do respect her having some freedom. However, she is just missing out on so much!

It's taken me a long time to understand that she wasn't interested. She's always talked up the grandparent thing, so I always made excuses for her. The distance, money is tight right now, she has a new job... always something. Even with the distance, though, she doesn't do the things that she could be doing.

His grandkids live by them and you live a days travel away. You are comparing chalk and cheese. YABU.

Chalk and cheese, I'm sure if you lived closer it'd be a different story.
It's all good and well saying she can stay for a visit but if she's still working it's not like she has loads of time on her hands. Different if retired.

I can count on one hand how many times my ex mil visited us when the kids were children. She was more interested in her husband who was jealous because he didn't have children of his own (so why may a woman 15 years older than you???). She now moans that she has no contact at all with my eldest and messages me occasionally to pass on requests for a visit, I don't see why i should bother passing them on (she knows that dd is only just rebuilding her relationship with her dad, no real reason but she was angry he left me)

She is only missing out though in your eyes, she obviously doesn’t feel that way. I’m sorry that’s harsh but the days travel is a huge barrier.

She is retired. Her partner isn't.

I'm not expecting the same relationship that she would have if she lived nearby - I just wish she wouldn't put absolutely everything else above a relationship with my kids.