Mum prioritising new partner over grandkids

[KatnissE]

Name change for privacy - I've been on mumsnet for ages.

I've got two kids, upper primary school age. I live a day's travel from my mum. My mum and I both moved away from the place I grew up. I have a sister who is also a long way way from either of us.

My mum always talked about how much she wanted grandkids. Now that the grandkids exist, it seems really hard to get her to take an interest in them. She loves the occasional photograph, but she hardly ever visits. We visit her as often as I can.

She has a new partner, whose needs always seem to take priority over everything else. I don't think this is coercion on his part, I really think that it's her getting wrapped up in a new partner. The new partner has grandkids, and she will go out of her way to babysit them, but she hasn't looked after my kids in years.

I'm not complaining about the lack of childcare, I'm just really sad that my kids don't have a "grandparent" relationship. I'm non contact with my father, and my partner's parents are either passed away or unwell.

AIBU in being a bit disappointed?

@TrollyHolly you can have holidays, a partner AND grandchildren in your life, they're not mutually exclusive

Do his grandchildren live nearby? Is that why she sees them more? If he is running his own business or still working full time then I guess he doesn't get loads of free time and if you've never objected to travelling perhaps from their point of view it's easier for you to visit.
I don't see why it's so important they come to see you though. I always travel to my parents.
With the distance and if you also don't visit much then obviously she's not going to have a close relationship with your children. You say she sacrificed a lot when you were growing up, maybe now she feels she can be more selfish and that you can make the sacrifice of visiting her.

Didn't say they were. I said it's understandably her priority. And OP hasn't said her Mum doesn't have her kids in her life, but that she'd like more.

It sounds very hurtful op. I can see why you're upset. Disinterested grandparents baffle me.

The only thing I'm wondering is did your mum have a tough life? Was she a a single parent? Did she not have much support? I'm just wondering if she is enjoying having the chance to be a little bit selfish and prioritising herself now her kids have grown up.

My parents were the same . More invested in my younger sisters kids . Grandchildren all grown up and now they wonder why my kids don't bother with them much . They reaped what they have sown .

Don't beat you're self up about this op . You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Detach , don't overthink this because it's your mums loss . Just get on with life and be happy.

Have you spoken to her about it OP, and told her you miss her and would like to see her more?

No advice, just understanding in how hurt you are. My dad is very similar and prioritises his partner and her family over my children. He has to ask permission to see us and I gather from his lack of response recently that permission has been rescinded. It’s sad but I’m encouraging my children to form friendships with our elderly neighbours as I feel it is good for them to speak to people outside the nuclear family. The neighbours dote on my children as they don’t have their own grandchildren.

OP, this is more about you really.

I would imagine your children don't miss her.

If she missed them, she would be more present in their lives; if not physically then emotionally (calls, video etc)

But you are missing her and what you had hoped your relationship would be. I get that 100%.

So- do you think she is going to change? Probably not. She seems quite content.

Are you going to have to say goodbye to what you thought the relationship would be- yes, I think so.

I totally feel for you OP- but I think you just need to let this go. Work through your sadness and move on.

I don't think she is content with not seeing them, though. I think she does want to be a part of their lives. She wants to be important to them. She's just expecting it to happen without putting the work in.

Your mum sounds like someone who lives the idea of shiny new things...grandkids, partner....

I dont think she is malicious, she is just living her life in a small proximity.

Can you try to form a relationship with her partner and organise visits via him? He might be a nice person with more organisation and commitment than your mum.

Alternatively just visit the area a few times a year for a long weekend and let her know 2 weeks before that you will be in the area then and would like to meet up.

I do understand your disappointment though, I'm just offering up how I would try to make an improvement. X

Op is there a backstory? You say that you’re nc with your dad - her ex. Was he abusive? If she’s come out of a relationship with someone so awful you’re now nc do you think she’s clinging on to a new partner who treats her well? (Or another abusive partner who doesn’t like her seeing family?)

I do understand it is disappointing as my own retired in-laws were always too busy doing yoga, baking, diy etc to visit us. They wouldn’t even come on a Sunday because their bins needed to be emptied on a Monday. They only live an hour away. It is sad because my dc don’t really want to see them now because they have no relationship.

Raising your children away from someone that’s uninterested in them is a good thing. Your children won’t miss the relationship, you miss it which is the problem. But at the end of the day she’s not interested so there’s no point wishing for something that doesn’t exist. It’ll only make you miserable.

She also made a lot of sacrifices for my sister and I when we were growing up, so I do respect her having some freedom. However, she is just missing out on so much!

Only in your head. In reality she's experiencing the fullness of her own life.

My older sister has done this more interested in her new partners family. It’s actually awful to witness. Her children were thrilled when she got a new partner. There is actually no childcare involved at all on either side. When I see her she really goes on about his grandchildren. She has become totally subsumed in to being like him. The change in her personality is actually pretty weird.

My friend is getting divorced after 30 years of marriage. The tragedy is she said I don’t know myself. She always did what her DH wanted, hobbies, holidays everything. I think some people but especially women just lose themselves to their partners needs. My friend was left for a younger woman in the classic kids just getting to 18 stereotype crap that is replayed constantly.

I completely despair of women that do this maybe men do it as well but seems rarer. That’s societal expectation though, men always want to be the main bloody character and too many women are just the sidekick but do all the shitwork.

You say her partner is pretty considerate. Would you feel comfortable talking directly to him, asking him to encourage her to visit alone during the time his schedule is too packed?

I think what’s really hurting is her preferences for his grandkids. If it was all just the same it would be far less hurtful.

Yes indeed, otherwise known as selfish!

I've thought more. I think she does want to see them but there are a whole lot of reasons as to why she's so wrapped up. I think I can make progress if I keep talking to her.

At the risk of sounding harsh, this is a relationship which is clearly strained by distance.

I get that you are frustrated because she told you how much she would love being a grandparent and now you are wondering where the hell she is when she is dragging her heels to come and see your children but when you step back and look at her everyday life it seems that actually she is enjoying being a 'grandparent' - it's just that she is filling that role with her partner's grandchildren.