Mum prioritising new partner over grandkids

[KatnissE]

Name change for privacy - I've been on mumsnet for ages.

I've got two kids, upper primary school age. I live a day's travel from my mum. My mum and I both moved away from the place I grew up. I have a sister who is also a long way way from either of us.

My mum always talked about how much she wanted grandkids. Now that the grandkids exist, it seems really hard to get her to take an interest in them. She loves the occasional photograph, but she hardly ever visits. We visit her as often as I can.

She has a new partner, whose needs always seem to take priority over everything else. I don't think this is coercion on his part, I really think that it's her getting wrapped up in a new partner. The new partner has grandkids, and she will go out of her way to babysit them, but she hasn't looked after my kids in years.

I'm not complaining about the lack of childcare, I'm just really sad that my kids don't have a "grandparent" relationship. I'm non contact with my father, and my partner's parents are either passed away or unwell.

AIBU in being a bit disappointed?

I can’t see why you are expecting really. You live far away so she’s making a life for herself.

I think I've made that pretty clear. To actually be the one to travel occasionally. To give the kids some attention when she's here.

I think that it's totally reasonable to be disappointed. Unfortunately there's not much you can do about it though.

Can I just say too, don't feel guilty about moving away, it's a fairly normal thing to have done.

We are in Germany & Ils have never visited.

They almost did once as part of a cruise/bus trip (can't remember) & would have been nearby for a couple of days.

They decided that a couple of days wasn't worth it & better not to bother.
🙄😂

How about a little interest in her grandchildren? OP hasnt said she expects her to come over weekly, just show some interest. I dont think thats unreasonable- its hurtful to feel your parent cares more about her partner's kids than her own GC. You can still "have a life" and see your family- the two arent mutually exclusive!

How many times a year do you visit? I'm thinking that as you are the one wanting a closer relationship between her and your dc then the onus will inevitably be on you to do the bulk of the travelling. Obviously Face-timing is good for keeping in touch on a more regular basis.

Missing out on what?

I don't want to be harsh here, but not everyone is cut out to be a grandparent or the kind of grandparent that people expect their parents to be.

Maybe she loves you all, but at a distance?

I think it's pretty awful that she won't visit without her partner - she was her son's mother first and maintaining that relationship should be a priority. It shouldn't be that when a parent forms a new relationship their kids never get to see them again without the new partner in tow!
My mil did this - used to drag her useless, horrible partners over to my house. It would have been so much nicer for us and them if she hadn't!

Er he is, but once both their schedules are factored in there aren't many times they are all available

Seems the norm now unfortunately. Selfishness is rife, even amongst the older generation.

Out of sight, out of mind, I’m afraid, OP. My parents were the same. To be fair, they were very good with the children as they got older but not much in evidence when they were young. Our situation wasn’t helped by my sister who was a very needy single parent and took up all their time.

With hindsight, now that I’m older myself, I can see that visiting us wouldn’t have been that comfortable for them, we were struggling up the property ladder in a constant state of DIY. Perhaps they’d be more receptive to you visiting them?

Things may improve later, mine ended up having a lovely relationship with their grandparents as adults.

Im sorry you feel disappointed and its ok to feel that way, However as harsh as this may sound it is only our perspective that she is missing out.

I think maybe the people who don't get it never had a decent relationship with their grandparents.

I totally get what you are saying and I too would be hurt. Like you say she could come on her own sometimes if she is retired, she doesn't always have to bring her partner.

It's sad but I would start withdrawing and not bothering anymore. She can make the moves if she chooses to that way you won't get as disappointed when she says no

That seems reasonable. It always baffles me when parents insist they want grandchildren, then ignore the grandchildren when they show up. A couple of visits a year (given the distance) and you doing the same seems like a pretty normal expectation. It also grated when you see they can be an involved grandparent... But not for their own grandkids.

It might just be worth having a frank, but polite, conversation with her. Say you and the kids would love to see her (perhaps with new partner?) more. Would she be able to set aside some time a couple of times in the year to come visit and do some fun family stuff? Ask what dates work for her.

In what way is she being selfish? After raising her own kids she has every right to get on with her life now her kids has left home and have their own lives and families.

Jusy because she is your mum doesnt mean she is a good mum/nan.
She has set her priorities. You arent one of them.

Talk to her. Make it very clear what you want from her. What you expect from her. And how it hurts you they way she ignores you and your kids.

Her response will be telling whether you should keep instigating contact

Sometimes you are better off without a mum in your life than with a mum IN your life that is hurting you...

Well, she used to talk so much about how important being a grandparent was to her. In reality, she really doesn't have much of a relationship with the kids at all.

This!

I am sorry her absence disappoints you and you would like to see her more and for your grandkids to see her more but she is living her life. As women we can't win, she raised you, and now she is starting a new chapter with a new partner fair play I say, far more healthier for her than moping about on her own waiting for the next visit from you. If you are hurt by it and want her to visit more tell her! She may not realise it means as much as it does to you.

YANBU but unfortunately this is MN where it is the height of rudeness to expect any sort of contact with parents once you reach that magical age of 18.

Of course in the real world it is completely normal to be sad your mum doesnt have much of a relationship with her grandkids. How close were you to yours growing up?

I too would be livid if my mum was prioritising someone elses grandkids over mine. I am having a similar issue with my mum, she drives, is just over an hour away yet has been to my house once this year. I have been to hers 5 times already, once on my own.

My siblings feel the same, and she lives much closer to them, but nothing changes really. Makes me sad.

You're not unreasonable to be upset. Stop making the effort and she’ll either put more effort in or she won’t. Her lack of interest will bother you less if you’re not making effort.

Being a parent is a forever deal - just because your kids are grown it doesn't mean you stop owing them love and care and emotional support. You can still form new relationships, no one is saying a parent can't find a partner but you don't throw the pre existing relationships out! You still owe your kids some time and effort and of course it's selfish to completely prioritise a new partner and ignore your own children!
The partner of OPs mil hasn't dumped his kids and grandchildren - it's entirely possible to incorporate both partnership and family. If she hasn't it's because she doesn't want to, which is a horrible realisation for her child, even though they are an adult.

I think it's understandable her relationship and holidays are priority now.

I think that's sad and disappointing. Is the cost of travel a factor or is it just the time and effort?

How long has she been with the partner? Maybe she's in a honeymoon phase that might peter out? Or was she like this before meeting him?

I'd discuss it with her without raising him at all - that's a surefire way to have an argument. Keep it positive and say you wish you could see more of her, you think it would be lovely if your kids could have more of a relationship with her.

I find it really sad when people think grandparents should say 'I raised my kids, these are on you' as if being with grandchildren was an unpleasant burden.

Sorry but can you not read? She explained all sets of grandparents situation in her origional post. No contact with her dad, so not those, her partners grandparents are either dead or sick

I think you have very different expectations about the role of your mother with your children.

From her pov, she's done her child rearing. Now it's your turn. She is now a free bird to pursue whatever she wants, including romance.

She isn't obliged to do anything I'm afraid!!

You feel let down and betrayed by her lack of excitement to be in your children's lives. I get that! But that is your problem, not your mother's. I'm happy for her actually!

But I would say that you could have a chat about it and clear the air.

"I'm so happy for you that you've found a nice fella." Then bring up about spending some time together. Perhaps a picnic somewhere nice!