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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding help!

576 replies

WeddingDilemma2 · 15/05/2023 01:31

First time poster- sorry if this is long but didn’t want to drip feed!

My brother is getting married this summer. The wedding reception will be outside at my parents house (lawn/marquee). DB and SIL want the wedding to be child free and feel strongly about this.

My issue is that we will have a 5 month old and a toddler at the time of the wedding. I would usually be up for a child free wedding and OK with leaving the toddler, but the baby is mostly breastfed and I don’t feel comfortable leaving her for a long period in any case. This is particularly the case as my parents (who would be first choice to care for the DC) will obviously be at the wedding themselves, plus it is a long day (12 plus hours taking into account travel time to our house).

We had thought it would be OK to have the DC stay inside my parents house (so not actually at the wedding reception itself) with a babysitter taking care of them, so we could pop in and out for breastfeeds etc. However I’ve realised my toddler could get quite upset in this scenario as he will be able to see the party going on outside with us and all extended family there.

I asked DB/SIL if the toddler could possibly attend a couple of hours of the afternoon reception (not the ceremony or speeches/dinner/dancing), but they do not want the DC to attend at all. We suggested that perhaps me or DH could instead leave the reception for a couple of hours to take the toddler off somewhere so they are not left upset in the house. However I think DB/SIL are not particularly happy with this either.

Reading between the lines I think DB/SIL are not happy we are planning on our DC will be on site at all (albeit not actually at the reception) as we will inevitably end up a bit in and out of the day. If it wasn’t DB I don’t think we would have said yes to the wedding in these circumstances, but even suggesting that we don’t attend at all would go down very badly I think.

AIBU to expect DB/SIL to be ok with us having the DC cared for in the house and possibly us leaving the reception for a couple of hours in these circumstances? Any practical solutions/ideas of how to approach the issue would be welcome as we generally get on well with DB/SIL and would not like a falling out over this.

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 09:34

user1492757084 · 15/05/2023 09:33

Book a motel nearby and a baby sitter.
Book the sitter a couple of times before the wedding so that the children are not strangers to them.

One or both of you leave the wedding to attend to the children with the sitter at times that need your attention.
It is disappointing that the kids will not be welcome but that is the decision of the B and G.

Why should OP have to go to all that expense?

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 09:37

Fairydustandsparklylights · 15/05/2023 09:30

How about the children’s other grandparents? Let me guess… it’s your husbands parents so you don’t feel comfortable and couldn’t possibly leave the children with them so you will continue to make this wedding all about you and stamp your feet until your brother concedes and you get your own way?

Wow, reaching much? Her inlaws could live in another country or be dead. The fact she hasn't mentioned them as an option suggests they are not on the scene.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 15/05/2023 09:38

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 09:33

Why not say, "What about your child's other grandparents, OP? Are they in the picture, in good health and able and willing to take care of your toddler all day?" rather than massively projecting?

Not everyone is lucky enough to have two sets of grandparents who can/will babysit.

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I said it because the Op makes clear that the only solution acceptable is for the children to be there. She hasn’t exhausted all options.

In the Op’s situation I would apologise and say that unfortunately, due to lack of childcare, I am unable to attend.. brother or not. Or I would leave the dc with my husband for the ceremony, speeches and food and leave straight after at say 5/6. If breastfeeding is an issue, I’d go for the ceremony and then swap with dh for the speeches. It is a faff though… which is why I would politely decline.

AlmaCogansFrockFan · 15/05/2023 09:38

SleepingStandingUp's solution (Ithink others may have suggested this, (not RFT). BUT.........WHAT were your parents thinking offering their house...which would have saved the happy couple tons of money...at the expense of their own flesh and blood being excluded! If the happy couple want their way or the highway, then they should be paying.

Dymaxion · 15/05/2023 09:39

Could you attend just the ceremony, DH takes baby and toddler to the park etc whilst you attend that bit and then you can all go back home again. I suppose it depends how far you are from your Parents and where the actual 'wedding' bit of the day is taking part ?
The ceremony is usually fairly shortish, add on an hour for the boring photo bit and it should be done and dusted in about two hours ? give the card and present to parents to take on to reception. Look on the bright side you get to avoid the speeches and first dance cringefest Smile

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 09:40

Fairydustandsparklylights · 15/05/2023 09:38

I said it because the Op makes clear that the only solution acceptable is for the children to be there. She hasn’t exhausted all options.

In the Op’s situation I would apologise and say that unfortunately, due to lack of childcare, I am unable to attend.. brother or not. Or I would leave the dc with my husband for the ceremony, speeches and food and leave straight after at say 5/6. If breastfeeding is an issue, I’d go for the ceremony and then swap with dh for the speeches. It is a faff though… which is why I would politely decline.

Show quote history

You said it in such a horrible way though, implying that OP must hate her inlaws and is being a brat.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 15/05/2023 09:41

I said it because the Op makes clear that the only solution acceptable is for the children to be there. She hasn’t exhausted all options.

But you completely fabricated the idea that OP hates her in-laws and refuses to let them babysit.

Crumpleton · 15/05/2023 09:41

While it's their wedding they can choose who to invite and who not to but obviously they know you've got children and that your main childcare provider will also be in attendance.
You've offered so many solutions and they've all been refused.

Now all that's left is for you not to attend which shouldn't come as surprise to your DB/SIL in this situation.

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 15/05/2023 09:42

SunshineAndFizz · 15/05/2023 02:29

If the kids aren't invited, and aren't allowed in the house with a sitter, and your usual babysitters will be at the wedding (the grandparents), and you'll be breast feeding so have to be near them...then I'm afraid you have no options left. You can't go.

This. My brother had a long wedding. I didn't go as I had a nursing newborn.

Tandora · 15/05/2023 09:43

Robinni · 15/05/2023 09:20

@SunnySaturdayMorning mate I did not have a choice. Aside from the fertility issue, I was going to end up with a colostomy and permanent bladder damage if I didn’t have a baby! Leave off.

I made the best of a horrific situation.

You were and continue to be incredibly blessed and privileged to be able to poo poo bottles and talk down anyone who had to/chooses to use them.

OP shouldn’t be shamed if she chooses to try and express to attend her sibling’s wedding. It’s an important family event and expressing is a perfectly viable option open to her if she wishes.

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Tbf while Sunny’s post was infuriatingly idiotic , no one should be telling OP that expressing milk and bottle feeding is “an option, open” for her and her 5 month old baby. OP is the only one who can judge that, just like you are the only one who can understand your personal circumstances around having a baby and returning to work.

user50316 · 15/05/2023 09:46

NumberTheory · 15/05/2023 01:50

YANBU but I don’t think you can have a resolution to this that doesn’t leave someone feeling very put out. If DB/SiL won’t compromise you need to ask yourself if you’re prepared to sacrifice your kids’ happiness for the day to help fulfill DB/SiL’s idea of the perfect wedding. I wouldn’t be going, but I find child-free weddings to be at odds with the whole idea of celebrating a marriage and am not keen on attending them at all when I know, let alone if it is logistically ridiculous and potentially upsetting for my kids. You don’t seem to have the same opinion so you might be okay with, say, your DH not attending while a baby sitter watches your baby at parents’ house and you nip in to breastfeed.

This ^
In all honesty if it was us, we wouldn't go. I appreciate everyone to their own etc, but I can't get my head around not wanting your Nieces/nephews at your wedding. Especially when it's being held at their grandparents house!

Phos · 15/05/2023 09:46

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 09:01

Would your answer change if the bride and groom are seriously pissed off and it causes massive family drama if they don't go?

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Not really no.

mindutopia · 15/05/2023 09:50

In this situation, I'd tell them I could only attend if baby could attend (as you can't leave baby unfed) and a 5 month will still potentially need feeding every 2 hours, depending on the sort of baby you have.

Dh and toddler stay at home (or if you prefer, get an airbnb nearby). Dh doesn't attend.

That's really the only solution that means you can attend and not have to leave regularly to feed baby.

lanthanum · 15/05/2023 09:52

The baby has to stay at your parents' house - non-negotiable - you should not be pressured not to breast-feed to suit other people.

It sounds like having the toddler there risks upset. Can they stay with in-laws or friends? Or could your parents find someone locally who could take the toddler off elsewhere for the afternoon? If not, they might have to cope with your DH disappearing after the ceremony to take the toddler off for an outing so that they don't see the party, returning once the child has been smuggled back in and put to bed. Or DH and toddler stay at home altogether.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/05/2023 09:53

SW2002 · 15/05/2023 09:14

YABU

They have asked for a child free wedding and that is their right. Either arrange childcare (can you express some milk and leave it with you DH's parents if they do baby care?) and go to the wedding, or don't go.

It's nothing to get funny about , respect their wishes or just don't attend.
By the same token, if you choose not to go they have no right to get funny with you. You have a baby that you didn't feel able to leave and that's that. When you have a baby there are things you can't do, and perhaps in this case that involves not attending a child free wedding if you can't / won't arrange childcare.

I'm not seeing the problem.

OP has said that her childcare suggestions have been rejected. And her not attending is also not acceptable to the bridge and groom. What exactly is she supposed to do?

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 09:53

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/05/2023 09:53

OP has said that her childcare suggestions have been rejected. And her not attending is also not acceptable to the bridge and groom. What exactly is she supposed to do?

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Exactly this. Why can't people read the OP?

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 15/05/2023 09:54

Phos · 15/05/2023 09:46

Not really no.

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It caused massive drama when I didn't go to my brother's wedding.

We were prepared for the nightmarish travel to get to the wedding with the young kids, just because we wanted to make the effort for them. We were prepared for the expense of accommodation and travel that we really couldn't afford. We didn't have any babysitters in their city (and I am not comfortable leaving my kids with strangers). Even if we did, I can't express and my baby didn't take bottles. When they said 'no kids', we just opted out. They were horrible about it but it was just too hard. I didn't see another option that fit their rules but to skip it. They've always held it against us. I'd do the same if I had a do over though.

Fairydustandsparklylights · 15/05/2023 09:54

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 09:40

You said it in such a horrible way though, implying that OP must hate her inlaws and is being a brat.

Show quote history

It’s a tale as old as time. There was no mention in the Op of “unfortunately, we don’t have any other family close by who
could help”. I have many friends who don’t allow their in laws to babysit their dc or spent any time alone with them - mainly because they find them a bit annoying. I know there’s nothing more to it than that. Their own parents aren’t treated in the same way. It’s always in laws that make people “uncomfortable”… and they always happen to be the husbands parents.

The op thinks it’s unfair that her dc aren’t invited. As a result, the only acceptable childcare scenarios involve the dc being on site and able to take part in parts of the day.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 09:55

Phos · 15/05/2023 09:46

Not really no.

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Well then you accept that the bride and groom can't have what they want?

They can't have the child free wedding that they want AND also have the OP and her husband attend?

Not without the OP and her husband doing things no reasonable person would expect them to do.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/05/2023 09:55

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with your brother.

"Look, you don't seem happy with my proposed solution, so either you come up with something that suits us both, or I don't attend. I am not going to leave my baby and toddler with a stranger for a full day and night, so don't suggest it. I think what I have suggested is a good compromise, but you need to meet me halfway here if you want me to come".

Inkpotlover · 15/05/2023 09:56

Fairydustandsparklylights · 15/05/2023 09:54

It’s a tale as old as time. There was no mention in the Op of “unfortunately, we don’t have any other family close by who
could help”. I have many friends who don’t allow their in laws to babysit their dc or spent any time alone with them - mainly because they find them a bit annoying. I know there’s nothing more to it than that. Their own parents aren’t treated in the same way. It’s always in laws that make people “uncomfortable”… and they always happen to be the husbands parents.

The op thinks it’s unfair that her dc aren’t invited. As a result, the only acceptable childcare scenarios involve the dc being on site and able to take part in parts of the day.

Show quote history

Or maybe OP didn't want to say that they're dead?! Honestly, you're just inventing stuff now!

Shelefttheweb · 15/05/2023 09:56

Your brother is being unreasonable holding his wedding at your parents house and not expecting your children to be there. If he doesn’t want to have anything to do with his niece or nephew then he should not be holding his wedding at their grandparents house.

anon12093 · 15/05/2023 09:57

I thought I had commented on this but can't find my comment.

My brother did this too. Ds was 1 and was bf, we didn't have anyone to watch ds. Brother and sil were not happy when I said I couldn't go and suggested I just give ds a bottle and hire a babysitter for during the day and overnight. Wedding was 4 hours drive away. Ds was to stay home with babysitter.

We didn't go and it caused a massive fall out but as far as I'm concerned if you have a child free wedding, don't like the options being offered so you can go then you have to expect that some people won't attend.

EsmeSusanOgg · 15/05/2023 09:59

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 09:24

This.

I think that if someone so close to you that it would be a problem if they didn't come to your wedding has very young children, it's selfish to put them in this position by insisting on having a strictly child free wedding.

"I'm happy for you to spend hundreds of pounds on a babysitter/for your children to be upset about being left all day/for you to be hours away from your toddler in an emergency/for your first time away from your baby to be 12 hours long/for you to have to pump in the toilets every 3 hours to avoid mastitis so I can have what I want, which is a child free wedding. But if you don't come I will have a strop because how dare you put your children before ME ME MEEEEE?"

This really isn't what weddings are supposed to be about.

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Well put.

MargotBamborough · 15/05/2023 10:00

Fairydustandsparklylights · 15/05/2023 09:54

It’s a tale as old as time. There was no mention in the Op of “unfortunately, we don’t have any other family close by who
could help”. I have many friends who don’t allow their in laws to babysit their dc or spent any time alone with them - mainly because they find them a bit annoying. I know there’s nothing more to it than that. Their own parents aren’t treated in the same way. It’s always in laws that make people “uncomfortable”… and they always happen to be the husbands parents.

The op thinks it’s unfair that her dc aren’t invited. As a result, the only acceptable childcare scenarios involve the dc being on site and able to take part in parts of the day.

Show quote history

You're massively projecting.

My kids are the same age as the OP's and my in laws are the only ones who babysit. My parents live in the UK (we don't) and even if they happened to be staying with us when we were invited to a child free wedding here, or if we were invited to a child free wedding in the UK, I wouldn't leave my kids with them because they aren't used to babysitting small children and my kids aren't used to being left with them.

Even so, the only person I would be happy leaving my kids with for 12 hours (one has just turned 2, the other is 4 months old) is my husband. And even then, leaving the baby with my husband for 12 hours would be less than ideal because of the breastfeeding issue, even though I can pump and she will take a bottle.

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