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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu does it sound like my dh is embarrassed by me

52 replies

Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 16:18

Hello everyone.

Married a long time. There has always been a lack of communication in our relationship and it’s been mentioned more than once.

I have more recently started to notice signs that my dh is embarrassed of me.
When out in a group setting he avoids me and never seems to want to interact with me. It’s similar at home but there is just us and dc so it’s less obvious. At home and out he will ignore me and focus on the dc even when it’s not needed.

Even when we are out but not with company it’s as if he will try anything not to walk with me or talk to me.
I noticed today that on more than one occasion he had a seat next to me but walked away and sat there elsewhere. It wasn’t that he was wanting to talk to other people or mingle as he sat with people he hardly knows and was not chatting to them.
I do try start conversations but I get very little feedback or response and it feels very one sided. I do try to make it two way but I get shrugs or grunts as response.

We have been out today and ended up sat together a couple of times and if you didn’t know us it’s as if we were strangers making small talk.
Every comment I make he replies with “alright don’t say that or people can hear you”. The funny thing is I’m not saying anything bizarre or talking loudly I’m very sure of that.
Dh will actively walk away from me when I try chat to him or will interrupt me to answer the dc.

I have been trying my best to reconnect but I feel like perhaps it’s a fruitless struggle.

I see other couples chatting and laughing and showing care and I feel very alone.

I don’t have much family or friends due to various reasons so it’s very hurtful and lonely.

I have my dc who keep me going.

I can’t understand why he is embarrassed of me and I have picked my brains. I don’t think I’m doing anything that would lead to that and I think I look ok.

Has anyone experienced this?
Aibu maybe I’m too sensitive and have high expectations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 16:33

Just wanted to add that I do have a skin problem so I can only assume it is that. I used to have really good self esteem despite this but now I feel rubbish about myself and like I’m not worth anything or anyone. I can’t help my condition I have tried everything.

OP posts:
Acidburn · 14/05/2023 16:35

Have you tried talking to him about it? He is your DH after all, you should be able to address what is bothering you.

3luckystars · 14/05/2023 16:37

Has he always been like this?

LadyKenya · 14/05/2023 16:37

This is one of those times when you really just need to speak up, and ask him. No one else can say for sure what is happening here.

BreviloquentBastard · 14/05/2023 16:40

It sounds like he doesn't like you or your company at all tbh, if he's doing it at home as well. Sounds horrible, I can't imagine my own husband wanting to avoid me to this extent.

Have you brought it up with him? Asked him why he doesn't seem to want to be around you or spend time with you?

Hugasauras · 14/05/2023 16:41

It sounds like he has contempt for you, OP, and once you get to that stage I'm not sure there's any coming back Sad I doubt it's anything you've done, but it doesn't sound like he really enjoys being married to you anymore but instead of actually doing something about it he's just treating you like shit. Would he be open to marriage counselling or anything like that?

feralunderclass · 14/05/2023 16:43

This happened to a friend of mine and it transpired her dh was having an affair. At the school sports day he told her not to stand near him and then had to cheek to approach her at the end and tell her not to tell anyone they were together 🤔.
In saying that though I feel a bit this way about my DH. I don't know if it's my age or what, but he's giving me the ick and I'm not overly keen on spending much time with him.

NurseCranesRolodex · 14/05/2023 16:43

You're better than this. You deserve to be happy, you have every right to expect that in life. Please don't put up with this. Not to be too simplistic but could he have a communication disorder, is there any autism in his family. Is he aware he is distancing himself from you when sitting somewhere. His overthinking of others hearing you is odd, unless you are loudly talking about personal details it sounds unreasonable. Some people are overly self conscious, private or introverted. My ex used to walk 2 metres in front of me and DC, leave me sitting on my own, exit get togethers with his family in our home to randomly go out partying. After 17 years I finally realised he was an abusive, selfish prick and I LTB'd. Years later now I'm so confident and happy. Might be a consideration for you too. 💐

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 16:47

Thank you all. I have addressed it yes. I was a bit cross when I do so did snap admittedly. He denied being embarrassed of me. I asked about the lack of communication and care and he said he couldn’t see any problems. I ended up walk away as I was upset so left it at that.
I have spoken to him when calm before and he just denies there is a problem and can’t understand why I feel the way I do.

He has not always been like this no.it happened after dc2 who is now a toddler.
He has always been a quiet person but did like my company before.

OP posts:
greyhairnomore · 14/05/2023 16:49

@Iamembarrasing so next time he does it , say 'this is what I was talking about , why are you ignoring me in public?
It sounds like he's the one with the problem.

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 16:51

I did recently suspect an affair actually as he was home late without explanation but that stopped out of the blue.

As it happens today we were in the company of someone who has shown interest in him previously.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 14/05/2023 16:51

the most important thing is to grasp that it does not have to be this way. People do what they want to do. If he wants to avoid you, humiliate you, degrade and embarrass you that is what he is choosing to do. Despite other people here asking you to ask him whTs going on or why he does it that absolutely does not matter. What people do matters. Not what they say their intentions are. Your husband should delight in you—skin problems and all—if he doesn’t then he should not have the honour of being your husband.

TheSnowyOwl · 14/05/2023 16:52

It doesn’t sound like he is embarrassed, more that he doesn’t want to be with you.

LividHouse · 14/05/2023 16:55

Vile behaviour.

Take back control.

Start planning your imminent exit. Life doesn’t have to be like this.

whynotwhatknot · 14/05/2023 16:58

the being near someone who likes him is raising flags-maybe an emotional affair?

my dh hardly talks to me when out i just dont go out alot wiht him anymore and make my own plans

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 16:59

The thing is he had the cheek to be upset recently when I was talking about a conversation I had with a male friend and he was questioning why they showed so much interest in my hobby.

OP posts:
SuffolkUnicorn · 14/05/2023 17:00

did you make an earlier thread about a partner who was critical of your skin?

ltb

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 17:03

I told him today this is the last time we are going out together.

He is being very affectionate and acting sorry now.

Im going to start concentrating my creating my own new life with my dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 17:03

@SuffolkUnicorn no that was not me.

OP posts:
AnyaMarx · 14/05/2023 17:07

My ex was like this - did t want to be seen with me in public , if I spoke I got lots of eye rolls and smirks .

I did t see it until we went out with some friends and ami g the group were some people I'd not met before .

The next day my friend rang me and asked why I was putting up with it - I'd hardly noticed as it was always that way with him .
She said her friends were embarrassed for me and he looked like a complete fool. She said he was like the cool kid at school looking down on me .

What's really ironic is I'm extrovert yes , he's introvert , but when we split everyone crawled out of the woodwork to ask what the hell I was ever doing with him in the first place because he was seen as grumpy, dour, sarcastic, ascerbic and punching well above his weight 😂.

Made me feel slightly better.

JudgeRudy · 14/05/2023 17:14

Gosh, this is a difficult one OP. I can almost relate to not wanting to be close to you in a group situation as I'm a bit like this. I have friends and family members who tend to do this. If I was going out for a meal I'd probably sit with my partner but I prefer to circulate.
In your case though he's doing it in pretty much every situation, so in front of others and at home.
I hate to say this but it sounds like the standard "l love you but lm not in love with you". What's your sex life like? That might be an indicator too. Sounds like it's just crept up and your effectively house sharing. This doesn't sound like a marriage. You need to talk. Tell him you're thinking your marriage might be over as you're unsure how you feel about him. He doesn't make you happy and you don't appear to make him happy. Ask him to give you a few good reasons why he thinks you should stay together (because youre struggling to thinkmof any) Do either of you think you could come out of this stronger or do you feel this is the start of the slow decline?

It's easy to say but do not confuse your worth with how much your OH values you. There's a danger this can damage your self esteem. No one should feel like they're second best or tolerated. If you can't feel valued by him then go it alone for a bit.
Good luck

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 17:15

@AnyaMarx and all the others who have experienced this I’m sorry you went through this. It’s an awful feeling.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 14/05/2023 17:15

I'm sorry OP, what a horrible life. He isn't embarrassed of you in the normal sense, ie your mannerisms or skin or whatever. He just doesn't like you or the marriage anymore. He's done.

So you now have a choice. Ask him to do counselling, carry on as you are or start to disentangle yourself with a view to separation.

AnyaMarx · 14/05/2023 17:24

Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 17:15

@AnyaMarx and all the others who have experienced this I’m sorry you went through this. It’s an awful feeling.

Thank you - it does affect you're self esteem almost without knowing.

You become self conscious- I am bubbly and vivacious and became silenced and on edge .

It wasn't fun .

ShowUs · 14/05/2023 17:24

What were you discussing when he told you that people could hear you?

Are you a loud talker?

If I am meeting mutual friends then I wouldn’t spend the entire time talking to my DP as I can talk to him any time and I’m there to mingle.

Same with being at home, sometimes I just need my own space.

It’s difficult to tell from your OP whether he is avoiding you because he doesn’t like you or if you are a bit too clingy.