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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu does it sound like my dh is embarrassed by me

52 replies

Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 16:18

Hello everyone.

Married a long time. There has always been a lack of communication in our relationship and it’s been mentioned more than once.

I have more recently started to notice signs that my dh is embarrassed of me.
When out in a group setting he avoids me and never seems to want to interact with me. It’s similar at home but there is just us and dc so it’s less obvious. At home and out he will ignore me and focus on the dc even when it’s not needed.

Even when we are out but not with company it’s as if he will try anything not to walk with me or talk to me.
I noticed today that on more than one occasion he had a seat next to me but walked away and sat there elsewhere. It wasn’t that he was wanting to talk to other people or mingle as he sat with people he hardly knows and was not chatting to them.
I do try start conversations but I get very little feedback or response and it feels very one sided. I do try to make it two way but I get shrugs or grunts as response.

We have been out today and ended up sat together a couple of times and if you didn’t know us it’s as if we were strangers making small talk.
Every comment I make he replies with “alright don’t say that or people can hear you”. The funny thing is I’m not saying anything bizarre or talking loudly I’m very sure of that.
Dh will actively walk away from me when I try chat to him or will interrupt me to answer the dc.

I have been trying my best to reconnect but I feel like perhaps it’s a fruitless struggle.

I see other couples chatting and laughing and showing care and I feel very alone.

I don’t have much family or friends due to various reasons so it’s very hurtful and lonely.

I have my dc who keep me going.

I can’t understand why he is embarrassed of me and I have picked my brains. I don’t think I’m doing anything that would lead to that and I think I look ok.

Has anyone experienced this?
Aibu maybe I’m too sensitive and have high expectations.

OP posts:
FelisCatus0 · 14/05/2023 17:30

I would tell him we either go to marriage counselling or we split.

SBHon · 14/05/2023 17:31

It’s the exact opposite to how you’d expect a partner to behave.

Sometimes you need space but what you’re describing is completely different. It actually sounds like contempt.

At a recent wedding for example my DP and I dipped in and out of each others company to mingle but we always returned to each other pretty quickly after and were both happy to be back together; giving a little hand squeeze or asking if the other wanted a drink or filling them in on some news from a friend for example.

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 14/05/2023 17:33

@ShowUs nothing in particular I was just making an observation about our dc while they were playing. Nothing awful or anything. I do get what you mean about wanting to talk to others when out and that’s why I’m questioning if I’m being silly. I just have this awful feeling that I can’t reconcile though.

OP posts:
Violasaremyfavourite · 14/05/2023 17:34

I have had horrible skin problems all my life - raging acne, dermatitis and allergies. I tried all sorts of over the counter stuff. As a teenager I was known as the girl with the enormous spots which was I suppose character building. A visit to a dermatologist at 17 was a game changer for me - not some appearance medicine general practitioner - but a proper dermatologist who has years and years of extra training. He brought my skin under control and kept it that way with the kind of things that are prescription only. People tell me now I have beautiful skin and I am always surprised when people say that given my past struggles.

Your husband doesn't sound very nice at all though.

AngelinaFibres · 14/05/2023 17:35

My exhusband did this to me after our 2nd child was born. He would move away if I went to sit by him. We went to Center Parcs. We went out for a walk. We each had a child in a pushchair. I remember trying to walk with him but he speeded up evetytime I managed to draw level.I just couldn't keep up. On another walk our children were scrambling/ crawling around a fallen tree.They were having a ball. I went to sit next to him and he immediately leapt up and decided we had to go right now. He started telling me that work summer / Christmas parties were no longer for spouses. That was a lie. It went on and on. Turned out he was having an affair with a 17 year old from his work. He left us when our children were 3 and 2. It was 27 years ago but your post reminded me of a lot of it. His comment as he left was that I was physically repulsive and made his flesh crawl. My second husband doesn't share that opinion.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 14/05/2023 17:36

I used to be like that with exH.I divorced him.
I hope you sort it out but for us there was no going back.

sadsack78 · 14/05/2023 17:43

I'm sorry, OP.

He is being cruel to you and passing it off as normal behaviour. He is making you second-guess your appearance, what you say and what you do. That is no way to live.

If one of your children brought home a partner who then acted this way towards them, I'm sure you would be furious on you dc's behalf. And tell your dc to dump their partner ASAP.

You deserve someone who is happy to see you and be seen with you, and will hold your hand when you're out and about together. Not someone who acts like they wouldn't touch you with a bargepole.

I hope you and your dc get to have a lot of happiness together in the future, and that you have people in your life who treat you with love and respect 💐

VestaTilley · 14/05/2023 17:49

You need to speak to him and ask him directly. But this behaviour of his is awful, and it’s not what you deserve in a good marriage.

usererror99 · 14/05/2023 17:51

I went through this with my now ex husband. Looking back it wasn't rooted embarrassment it was almost disdain, a total lack of respect and disinterest. I wore myself out trying to make up for it when we were out it was exhausting. You deserve so much more OP x

AngelinaFibres · 14/05/2023 17:57

usererror99 · 14/05/2023 17:51

I went through this with my now ex husband. Looking back it wasn't rooted embarrassment it was almost disdain, a total lack of respect and disinterest. I wore myself out trying to make up for it when we were out it was exhausting. You deserve so much more OP x

You sound just like me. I don't think my exhusband was embarrassed . He was just repulsed by me. Even the fact that I breathed gave him the ick. I dare say I made it worse by trying to make it better. We should just have separated. The life I have now is wonderful. He is bankrupt and in prison.

Murdoch1949 · 15/05/2023 01:00

You deserve better than this. He is treating you very poorly and either it changes or you plan a separate future. Horrible man.

ChellyT · 15/05/2023 01:28

I think we all forget that love and friendships (with your your partner) are not suppose to hurt. Yes we have our little tiffs but we aren't to feel despondent and little in our relationships.

Please go with your gut feelings, you sense something is seriously off and it is. When you walked away from him, his attitude changed... Why?

Like others have said when he acts oddly/dismissively pull him up on it straight away so that he doesn't get to gaslight you later with 'when did I?' 'no, I didn't... you are exaggerating'

X6hfyib4ms · 15/05/2023 01:42

Depends on whether it's recent or not.

My husband acted like this for the last year of marriage. He was having an affair but was trying to get me to think our marriage was dead, I don't know so maybe I was the one that ended it?

AnyaMarx · 15/05/2023 01:46

My ex changed his will after a row . It cost him £200 . He left the house I was laying g for to his ex in his will if anything happened to him . He told me after a year during another row .

We made up but he wouldn't pay to change it back .

So many incidents that were engineered to undermine me .

He never did change his will back . So I had to change mind when I left .

AnyaMarx · 15/05/2023 01:48

I remember posting about it under another name .

He stalked me on here so I think it out it in otbt.
Did t get many replies for that reason- bit the one I do remember said you are in a hideous abusive relationship- get out .

piedbeauty · 15/05/2023 05:58

ChellyT · 15/05/2023 01:28

I think we all forget that love and friendships (with your your partner) are not suppose to hurt. Yes we have our little tiffs but we aren't to feel despondent and little in our relationships.

Please go with your gut feelings, you sense something is seriously off and it is. When you walked away from him, his attitude changed... Why?

Like others have said when he acts oddly/dismissively pull him up on it straight away so that he doesn't get to gaslight you later with 'when did I?' 'no, I didn't... you are exaggerating'

This.

You know when something is wrong. You're not over-reacting.

You deserve much better. 💐

SoYoung · 15/05/2023 07:40

The first thing that crossed my mind upon reading this was affair too.

Either way, you deserve and can have better so don't put all your eggs in his basket, concentrate on the kids and see where life takes you. Don't let his behaviour and opinions shape how you view yourself and your worth.

dancinfeet · 15/05/2023 08:02

you deserve better OP, you really do. One of the reasons I realised my marriage with my ex was over was when he had a friend come to visit and my ex told me to go and eat in the kitchen alone and that I wasn’t permitted to join them at the dining room table. Another time he held a barbecue at our house for his friends for both male and female and I wasn’t invited, I was expected to stay inside with our children and basically ‘not exist’. He also told me to walk two steps behind him when we were out so that people wouldn’t realise we were together.

Original poster
Iamembarrasing · 15/05/2023 10:22

Thanks all and so sorry to those who have posted who have experienced such awful behaviour and treatment. It’s upsetting to read but makes me feel less alone.

I don’t have solid proof but I have had some time yesterday and today to reflect and think and it’s an affair. Maybe not physical at the moment but definitely something emotional going on. The reason I suspect this is because recently he has been glued to his phone which is unusual for him. I have been irritated because I will be dealing with dc and doing bedtimes or getting ready alone and he is downstairs sat on his phone, I have had to ask him to please come up and help on more than one occasion. He wanted to show me a photo of dc last week that was on there but wouldn’t let me hold his phone to get a closer look. I complimented who I suspected is ow on a couple of occasions recently and he made nasty comments about her which is not usual for him to do. He mentioned her recent holiday and I can’t figure out how he knew as she had not posted anything about it or said anything about going away to me. He didn’t talk to her yesterday all day which is odd to say he spoke to everyone else. They appeared awkward in each other’s company. He has mentioned things about what would happen with the house and dc if we split up but has made it sound like he is talking about a family member who is having a hard time in their relationship. He had the period of coming home late without explanation. It’s only half an hour or so but he will come home with little bits of shopping we don’t need. He is very distracted and distant. He asked me how we can improve our relationship the other day which was out of the blue and unlike him.

I wish he would just piss off with her to be honest and leave me to get on with my life. I’m taking some time to get my shit together this week but I’m busy at work. I’m struggling to concentrate.

OP posts:
IDontWantToBeAPie · 15/05/2023 17:55

Oh I'm sorry OP

OnlyFannys · 15/05/2023 18:04

I'm so sorry OP he sounds like a shit and you deserve better. Please dont let him destroy your self confidence

Ktime · 15/05/2023 18:12

AngelinaFibres · 14/05/2023 17:57

You sound just like me. I don't think my exhusband was embarrassed . He was just repulsed by me. Even the fact that I breathed gave him the ick. I dare say I made it worse by trying to make it better. We should just have separated. The life I have now is wonderful. He is bankrupt and in prison.

Show quote history

He is bankrupt and in prison.

Love it! 😂

Ktime · 15/05/2023 18:13

Iamembarrasing · 15/05/2023 10:22

Thanks all and so sorry to those who have posted who have experienced such awful behaviour and treatment. It’s upsetting to read but makes me feel less alone.

I don’t have solid proof but I have had some time yesterday and today to reflect and think and it’s an affair. Maybe not physical at the moment but definitely something emotional going on. The reason I suspect this is because recently he has been glued to his phone which is unusual for him. I have been irritated because I will be dealing with dc and doing bedtimes or getting ready alone and he is downstairs sat on his phone, I have had to ask him to please come up and help on more than one occasion. He wanted to show me a photo of dc last week that was on there but wouldn’t let me hold his phone to get a closer look. I complimented who I suspected is ow on a couple of occasions recently and he made nasty comments about her which is not usual for him to do. He mentioned her recent holiday and I can’t figure out how he knew as she had not posted anything about it or said anything about going away to me. He didn’t talk to her yesterday all day which is odd to say he spoke to everyone else. They appeared awkward in each other’s company. He has mentioned things about what would happen with the house and dc if we split up but has made it sound like he is talking about a family member who is having a hard time in their relationship. He had the period of coming home late without explanation. It’s only half an hour or so but he will come home with little bits of shopping we don’t need. He is very distracted and distant. He asked me how we can improve our relationship the other day which was out of the blue and unlike him.

I wish he would just piss off with her to be honest and leave me to get on with my life. I’m taking some time to get my shit together this week but I’m busy at work. I’m struggling to concentrate.

I hope you can get some proof. Get a good lawyer xx

thefirstmrsrochester · 15/05/2023 18:35

He sounds awful op, your life partner should never make you feel this way.

I’m 8 months separated from my husband (his choice) but in hindsight I can see that he looked down on me, sneered and mocked, did the ‘striding ahead’ thing as well. To an outside observed you’d never have thought we were together.

Never saw him happier than when he was in the company of a family friend.

I do suspect there is an emotional affair that’s behind his leaving, but his attitude in general had been downright intolerable for a long time.

I also suspect (and have done for a long long time) that he is incapable of demonstrating emotion, and we had a hard time last year with our DS being very unwell.

But there comes a point when the reasons and excuses don’t cut it anymore.

You matter, your happiness matters, your self worth matters, and he is eroding all of these things.

Maybe counselling would work, maybe not, but I wish you the very best and hope that you find your way to happiness again.

Nottodaysausage · 15/05/2023 18:54

You don't need proof he is cheating to give you permission to leave OP