Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To feel like I've failed because DD doesn't want to live with me?

68 replies

EmiliaandStephen · 14/05/2023 00:46

DD finished uni being in her student overdraft. I couldn't really help during uni due to low income but she got full student loan. She is done with uni now and has got a job in the town she grew up (where we live) which she has been in around 7 months. It's a job relating to her degree and is a good stepping stone for something probably better paying and it's a competitive industry so I am pleased for her but her salary is literally around 18.5k a year. We offered to have her back home while she started the job to find her feet with her money, pay off the overdraft, start saving but she said she couldn't do it after being on her own for 3 years with student accommodation and wouldn't want to be back under our roof and feeling like she has somewhat lost that independence, we explained that things would most likely feel different than when she lived there at 18 and was still in college and she could treat it more like she was just renting a room from a house (but being free). She said she didn't want to and started renting her own studio flat. I'm proud of how independent she is but she is definitely struggling with money. She loves pay check to pay check and is paying about £50 a month back to the overdraft, so yes it's decreasing but it's still there! And she isn't saving anything else.

I feel really sad for her as she would only have to be here for a year or so! And she would build up at least a nice bit of savings to fall on if needed. I feel terrible that that option is so obviously more helpful for her and she still feels like it would be such an awful thing to move back in with us obviously she has never said it like that but it's clearly bad enough she would rather live pay check to pay check

OP posts:

ZittiEBuoni · 14/05/2023 00:49

Don't feel bad, it's no reflection on you - if anything, it's a good reflection on you that you've successfully set her on her independent way.

I was exactly the same at her age. I loved my parents and was comfortable at home, but it felt wrong to take the 'backwards' step of going back, even if it made financial sense.

Vgbeat · 14/05/2023 00:51

It's no reflection on you. Many children don't go 'home' as they are used to having there own place and space.

Ladyzfactor · 14/05/2023 00:58

I moved overseas for school and when done I moved back home. Honestly, even though me and my father have a great relationship (I'm in my 40s and call almost every day) I couldn't wait to move out again. I hated feeling like I couldn't be myself at his home.

Original poster

EmiliaandStephen · 14/05/2023 01:01

I'd understand it a lot more if it was a case of yeah I could save more money at home vs living on my own but the extra savings doesn't matter to me enough, against her actually struggling to pay off an overdraft and saving nothing. As that seems like a situation no one would actually pick unless they had to

OP posts:

PaperwhiteTheGhost · 14/05/2023 01:15

I think you're being a bit silly.

It's nothing you do with you. Your daughter is am adult and prefers to fend for herself. There's nothing wrong with that.

It's not about you.

user1473878824 · 14/05/2023 01:20

Why are you making this all about you?

I could understand if you were saying oh it’s silly of her because she could save X but she’s being stubborn but I’m proud she’s so independent. But you’re not, you’re making it all about you and being hugely dramatic.

Your daughter has lived away from home for three years and wants to continue doing so because she’s an adult. That’s it.

Unless the martyr act is why.

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/05/2023 01:25

You have a daughter who is independent and in her 20s. Of course she doesn't want to live at home! It's not a reflection on you at all. However, you need to get a grip on this as it could spoil your relationship with her. You need to understand why she likes her independence and celebrate that.

BackOfTheMum5net · 14/05/2023 07:52

I couldn’t imagine anything worse than moving in with my parents after uni. It’s absolutely worth the financial hit to be independent.

Tigofigo · 14/05/2023 07:54

Maybe you could give her the extra £ you would have spent on food and utilities if she had been living with you, towards her overdraft?

Oysterbabe · 14/05/2023 07:57

I would never have moved home after university. No reflection on my parents, who are fantastic and loved, I just wanted my own space by then.

Aozora13 · 14/05/2023 08:03

When I graduated it was pretty much a rite of passage to work shitty jobs for no money and live in shitty house shares! Character building or whatever. I love my parents very much but was desperate to be independent and stand on my own two feet. Actually I rely on them way more as a middle aged mum than I did in my 20s and am even considering moving back to my home town. Cherish her independence, it’s a positive reflection on you!

Pashazade · 14/05/2023 08:05

I never went home for any length of time after my first year of Uni. The reason people end up at home now is financial, she's doing the right thing for her and she can afford it, of course she wants her independence. Try not to take it personally it really isn't, she's making her own path now!

Sissynova · 14/05/2023 08:08

I feel terrible that that option is so obviously more helpful for her and she still feels like it would be such an awful thing to move back in with us obviously she has never said it like that but it's clearly bad enough she would rather live pay check to pay check

This sounds a bit exhausting. Stop being dramatic and making it all about you.
Just let her live her life.

FatAgain · 14/05/2023 08:09

Well done for raising an independent child.

JADS · 14/05/2023 08:12

You've done an amazing job Op. You've raised a strong independent daughter who is chipping away at her overdraft. You should be proud of her (for what it's worth, I didn't move back to my parents after University and have stood on my own 2 feet since, didn't mean that I loved them any less)

Wallywobbles · 14/05/2023 08:23

Surely this is the point of going to uni.

Lcb123 · 14/05/2023 08:31

I was in the identical situation when I finished uni, and never lived at home since. I totally see your DD point. Yes it’ll take her longer to repay overdraft and save, but if she’s in a career job she’ll get promotions. You need to not make it an issue as could ruin your relationship.

maranella · 14/05/2023 08:35

Don't feel bad OP. You've raised a strong, independent, proud woman who wants to stand on her own two feet and not be reliant on her mum any more. You should feel very proud - both of yourself and her.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 14/05/2023 08:36

This isn’t about you - please don’t make it about you.

Chchchchchangesss · 14/05/2023 08:40

That's what is supposed to happen - your children are meant to fly the nest. I couldn't have moved back in with my parents after id moved out and got used to doing things my way.

MRex · 14/05/2023 08:41

She is an adult, of course she wants her own space. Is the issue because you hoped she would help to pay your bills?

Whichnumbers · 14/05/2023 08:45

after 3 years of coming and going when she wants, not having to keep stuff tidy or live by other people rules, is fair dos.

I think you’re taking it personally

why not make sure you spend some quality time together having a coffee and catch up or meal out. Buy her some toiletries, a nice meal bundle ( everything to make one or two of her favourite dishes) to see her through the early years of her independence

Trees6 · 14/05/2023 08:46

It’s normal and healthy behaviour from her, which is no reflection on you. Actually.,., it reflects well on you because you’ve raised an independent and selfsufficient daughter.

You’ll be saving a bit of money from her not being in your house. Why not stick £25 a week (or whatever suits) in a high interest savings account for her? If she agrees.

You’ve done well! Remember that.

KM99 · 14/05/2023 08:49

Congratulations. You've raised your child to be an independent, hard working adult. Adapting to the working world after uni is another transition. Be supportive, remind her your door is open and just let her thrive.

And maybe think about if it's just money that worries you? Are you an empty nester now? Have you dealt with your feelings of loss when she left for uni?

Clementineorsatsuma · 14/05/2023 08:49

If her job is full time then that's under NMW.
Not the point I realise, but just saying!

Flip

1 2 3