To feel like I've failed because DD doesn't want to live with me?

[EmiliaandStephen]

DD finished uni being in her student overdraft. I couldn't really help during uni due to low income but she got full student loan. She is done with uni now and has got a job in the town she grew up (where we live) which she has been in around 7 months. It's a job relating to her degree and is a good stepping stone for something probably better paying and it's a competitive industry so I am pleased for her but her salary is literally around 18.5k a year. We offered to have her back home while she started the job to find her feet with her money, pay off the overdraft, start saving but she said she couldn't do it after being on her own for 3 years with student accommodation and wouldn't want to be back under our roof and feeling like she has somewhat lost that independence, we explained that things would most likely feel different than when she lived there at 18 and was still in college and she could treat it more like she was just renting a room from a house (but being free). She said she didn't want to and started renting her own studio flat. I'm proud of how independent she is but she is definitely struggling with money. She loves pay check to pay check and is paying about £50 a month back to the overdraft, so yes it's decreasing but it's still there! And she isn't saving anything else.

I feel really sad for her as she would only have to be here for a year or so! And she would build up at least a nice bit of savings to fall on if needed. I feel terrible that that option is so obviously more helpful for her and she still feels like it would be such an awful thing to move back in with us obviously she has never said it like that but it's clearly bad enough she would rather live pay check to pay check

YABU and from this alone you sound suffocating so I’m not that surprised she wants her own space.

in the nicest way possible she probably just doesn't want to go back to living by your rules, it's all well and good saying you'd treat her like a tenant but would you really

She may yet take up your offer if the finances get too much but maybe you can help lesson the burden with an occasional supermarket shop for her or invite her round for a family meal/roast/bbq and deliberately cook too much and pack her off home with a load of leftovers.
Try not to worry too much - you've obviously raised her well and she's nearby.

I am so proud of her and really not trying to make this about me, it's about her and wanting her to not have to just live paycheck to paycheck and have some kind of overdraft hanging over her too. That's all.

I would rather live paycheck to paycheck than live with my parents too.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what you want - this is her life and she wants her independence - and good for her.

Moving back home after uni is v hard. They are used to doing their own thing, not having to be in for meals, not having to let anyone know where they are etc. Even just opening the front door knowing you and husband are there can be a trial! Be thankful you've done a good job and raised an independent adult!

It's nice you care about her.
I can understand her wanting to live alone.
Are you able to help her pay off her overdraft ?
Or take her food shopping sometimes ?
Generous Cash gifts for birthdays and Christmas?

This is a reflection on you - in the most magnificent way. You've done a brilliant job.

Good question

I moved home after university and have regretted it ever since. Took me ages to lunch myself and the cosy home option slowed me down. Don’t wish that for your children. My mum always said “why don’t you just come home?” to me a lot and it was unhelpful.

She's doing great. Instead of paying her bills etc. Why don't you treat her now and then, maybe take her out for a meal or a nice outing or good book every once in a while if you can. I think that would be nice while she is on a budget without undermining her independence.

You think you've failed because you have raised an intelligent, independent young woman?

I hate to think what success would need to look like!

Oh bless you, I can see that all you want is the best for your daughter, of course you want her to move home so she can save, you don't want to see her struggle and you want to feel that as her mother you're still able to help her and want her to be able to save up and enjoy things.
And of course you don't want to see her live paycheck to paycheck. Why would anyone want that, when you can give them a home?
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all to feel like you feel. I only have small children, but I think I'd feel extremely sad when the day comes they don't want or need me to help anymore.

That being said, it's absolutely not because you're a failure - you're her mother first and foremost, not her friend - and her wanting to be independent, not rely on others, make her own way just goes to show you've done a perfect job of raising her! She is learning the value of hard work and the value of money, she's learning to stand on her own two feet. You should be proud of yourself.

That doesn't mean it doesn't feel upsetting though, and your feelings are completely valid.

Xxx

I returned home after uni, got a job, paid off my student overdraft in a year. It was weird being back home permanently rather than just for uni holidays but my Dad worked away so was home sporadically and my Mum worked evening shifts so I suppose it never felt like my parents were home all the time.

I think just let her know that the offer stands, she can come home and use it to save what she currently spends on rent and utilities, council tax and home insurance. Tell her to calculate how much that is and how much she could save based on that.

Ds1 is at uni, fully intends to come home and live here for a predicted 3 years so that he can save for a house deposit. House prices are only really ever going to go up so the quicker he can get onto the ladder in the biggest house possible, the better.

My three all moved back home after Uni for various reasons and I have got son home now until he goes off to another country for his post grad work experience.
I can honestly say that if they were 100% honest they would say they ‘tolerated’ being back home but would rather have been independent.
Don’t take it personally OP ,your daughter is doing what’s best for her.

Good for her! And you’ve done something right, she sounds alert and independent (not easy these days).

I haven’t lived home since university, I couldn’t imagine anything worse, and we are a close family.

Don’t take it personally

*smart, not alert!

@EmiliaandStephen what if it was you? If your DH and yourself sold your house and had to live elsewhere for a year before you bought your new place would you prefer to rent somewhere for the year or live with yours or DHs parents? Would you be happy with yours or DHs parents coming to live with you for a couple years in a similar case?

For me it would be a huge fuck no to all of the above. I want my independence, no matter how we get along. The fact you're taking it as a personal affront shows you still consider her your baby you need to help out and protect. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, she's just in a part of her life right now where she wants to be an adult not your baby and the lines do blur living at home.

Now-DH and I rented a shitty flat in an expensive city on respective salaries of 13k and 14k rather than go "home". I love my mum and dad to bits but my mum is a neat freak and my dad starts rooting about in the kitchen at 5.30am. Nothing to do with their parenting - just both have habits I wouldn't choose in a housemate!