To feel like I've failed because DD doesn't want to live with me?

[EmiliaandStephen]

DD finished uni being in her student overdraft. I couldn't really help during uni due to low income but she got full student loan. She is done with uni now and has got a job in the town she grew up (where we live) which she has been in around 7 months. It's a job relating to her degree and is a good stepping stone for something probably better paying and it's a competitive industry so I am pleased for her but her salary is literally around 18.5k a year. We offered to have her back home while she started the job to find her feet with her money, pay off the overdraft, start saving but she said she couldn't do it after being on her own for 3 years with student accommodation and wouldn't want to be back under our roof and feeling like she has somewhat lost that independence, we explained that things would most likely feel different than when she lived there at 18 and was still in college and she could treat it more like she was just renting a room from a house (but being free). She said she didn't want to and started renting her own studio flat. I'm proud of how independent she is but she is definitely struggling with money. She loves pay check to pay check and is paying about £50 a month back to the overdraft, so yes it's decreasing but it's still there! And she isn't saving anything else.

I feel really sad for her as she would only have to be here for a year or so! And she would build up at least a nice bit of savings to fall on if needed. I feel terrible that that option is so obviously more helpful for her and she still feels like it would be such an awful thing to move back in with us obviously she has never said it like that but it's clearly bad enough she would rather live pay check to pay check

All of the people posting that they never would have moved back home after uni are living in a different world. That’s how it used to be (none of my friends moved home after uni) but everything’s changed now. Both of my kids moved home again after graduating and almost all of their friends did too. We live in London and it is totally impossible to rent when you get your first job.

OP is living in the world as it is today. Most parents do expect their kids to move back and often to stay with them into their 20s. It’s a financial necessity. Of course it is often uncomfortable and young people don’t like it, but that’s the way it is. All this talk of independence is a luxury nowadays.

OP if your DD can manage to make ends meet then that’s great. She’s probably proud of herself, and rightly so. As others have said, stop making this about yourself.

yes I'd be hurt by that too. I can couldn't see it as a positive if DD would rather have no money and be with strangers than be home for free for a few years. she's been independent now it's time to save. I would say "you're either home for no money from me" which is pretty much what my parents said 🤷🏽‍♀️

Came on to say this! She seems sensible, this would be an excellent way to help, as long as you are willing to give freely & not hold it over her x

This is really not about you.

Let your DD live her own life.

What do you have in your life that you enjoy, that you are looking forward to? Focus on that.

This! I moved out at 19 as soon as I could, not because I didn't love my mum, I was just absolutely desperate to be independent, and have my own space to do as I please in. My mum never asked me for any rent or contribution towards living at home, it was a lovely happy house, with no excessive rules, and my partner was welcome whenever he wanted, so there really was no driving force to move out other than that we wanted to. We only moved about 10 mins up the road, when we first moved out, and were just scraping by paying rent and bills on our tiny wages, but we absolutely loved having our own place, and it was worth it to us at the time. All of our friends lived independently, and me and my partner wanted to be the same as them. Living in your own place seems like the ultimate step of independence, and at that age, it's very important to young adults to feel grown up, and not "need" their parents. I'm now almost 40, and have young children, (with the now DH I moved out with when I was 19!) and need and rely so much on my mum for help, more than I ever did from 18-late twenties. We have a great relationship, are extremely close, and spend a lot of time together, I see her at least three times a week. Whereas in my early 20's, we'd speak on the phone maybe once a week, and see eachother maybe once a fortnight if that. Give her space, don't remind her how much money she could be saving living at home, instead tell her how proud you are of her for being so independent.

Stop making this about you.

Your DD is an adult and wants to live on her own - that's perfectly normal and healthy.

I had to move back home after university and I hated it - I felt so restricted and limited even though my parents treated me like an adult.

A different perspective. I graduated nearly 40 years ago. Couldn't find a job for several months. Had no option other than to move home. I'd always got on well with my parents, and for 40 years ago had had a lot of freedom before uni.
It was sooo hard after having lived away for 3 years. Having to fit in with their schedule - cooking, eating, laundry etc. I felt I had to eat with them and then stay with them in the evening if I wasn't going out, rather than go to my room. If I did go out I felt I had to tell them when I would be back etc - no mobiles in those days. If I was later than planned, my Dad would often be looking out the window for me. My mum wouldn't sleep until I was home, and so I felt guilty being out late.
I couldn't take friends home for late night coffees etc. Boyfriends were horrendous.

It's not natural to live with your parents as an adult, and is very hard when you have tasted independence. My parents didn't really do anything wrong, but I felt so constrained and it nearly ruined our relationship.

I did move back in with my parents between the ages of 21 and 25 to save and then bought a house. It was hell. Once I moved out my relationship with my parents and particularly my mum is better than it's ever been. This may well be a blessing for you.

Your daughter isn't rejecting you. She is spreading her wings and continuing to grow. You should be very proud.

She has had a taste of freedom and she likes it! Don't make her feel bad - pat her on the back for her diligence and independence.

My daughter is 19 and has just bought her first flat. She won't be moving home again. I'm very happy and proud that she's independent.

Now if only my stepsons were the same then my fifties would be sorted!

I see so much MN advice about young adults still needing support that it depresses me sometimes. But this thread has given the opposite advice which is great.

I left home and wasn’t supported at university so I never went back (even in the summer)

why would I?

you can’t bring boyfriends home, you’ve no privacy, everything you do is scrutinised even if it’s well meaning

she’s moved on with her life and you didn’t help her then so he has learned not to rely on anyone but herself

my parents cannot understand why I’m so independent but are overly involved in my siblings lives and not in a good way

If she was slipping into more and more debt then I would agree with you. But she is getting by and reducing her overdraft so all is good.
Be careful not to damage your relationship over this. There is nothing wrong with you. She just wants to live an independent life. Be proud.

She probably has time to pay off her overdraft interest free if she’s only just graduating. She might not have as much of an issue with debt.
You could always pop a small amount of money away into a savings account as I’m assuming your costs would of increased with her being back at home? Save that money for her and give her it towards overdraft?

Why? It doesn't sound like OPs DD is asking for money anyway so what does it matter that she isn't back with the OP? She is paying off her overdraft so she doesn't have no money, it might just take her a bit longer to get back in the black. So what?!

I moved out and my parents said that so long as I paid my rent and bills from my wages they were happy to give me 20 quid or whatever for a night out. Your parents sound weirdly controlling.

It’s probably not personal, but young twenty somethings also often want to live life their own way. I lived out and my sister didn’t and even the difference in how our parents perceived us…!

eg we socialised much more in the week than the weekend, friends round for ‘book club’ ie wine and crisps, house parties, just lying around at the weekend. I always was quite independent and liked having my own laundry routine and cooking habits without my parents hovering over. I’m incredibly close to my parents and like a pp have moved back to my home town.

You have a hard working, financially responsible, independent daughter in her twenties. Any time up until the 1960s or so society would probably be expecting her to get married and run a full family household any time from now. Because expectations have changed in that respect, people expect an extended adolescence until 30 it seems. But some people have get up and go!

Yes also the kind of controlling shit from a pp would have just made me shrug and determine never ever to be financially or domestically dependent on them ever again.

Tbh I don't know how anyone can bear to move home again after uni. I love my parents but as an adult it wouldn't work. Your daughter sounds great and you've done a far better job than those who want to live at home again, I assume it's mostly people who have little choice or haven't really grown up at uni.

Agree with this OP! This would be a lovely thing to do

Why sad be happy for her support her you've raised a strong young lady making her way in the world you should be proud as anything that you have a responsible daughter working and living as she should and these days thats something to be mega proud of. Rather than be sad she doesn't want to live at home maybe try help in other subtle ways of your able to. I hope our 4 turn out like yours you have done a wonderful job as a parent :)

No, absolutely am not upset because I wanted her to move back and pay bills! I wouldn't have charged her to live back here, I actually missed her when she left but obviously after 3 years it became the norm.

I just want to see her be in a comfortable position after her doing her degree etc and I do feel bad I couldn't help her financially as much as I'd have liked so would like to do what I can actually do for her.

I actually didn't see much of a decrease when she moved out on bills? Which I suppose I was surprised at as everyone did tell me how that's a perk of losing an adult from the home! Not sure if she would let me help with money anyway, she often tries to help me!!

I am so proud of her and really not trying to make this about me, it's about her and wanting her to not have to just live paycheck to paycheck and have some kind of overdraft hanging over her too. That's all.

She isn't under minimum wage, she is on minimum wage. Which is £10 something right? She does 30 something hours, but is working 5 days a week. The industry is quite competitive so it's not a case of oh just find something with more hours/better pay type thing. She was lucky to get the job.

I just never want her to have to worry about money like I have my whole life and that's truly where this comes from, a genuine good place

Both my daughters were independent early. I just made it clear that they were welcome to come home if they wanted or needed. One did during covid. I left home at 19 and never went back.

It's a good sign and she's strong and independent.

Can you use the money you would have had to spend letting her live with you to help with overdraft. It would have cost you more than £50- a month so could you pay down her overdraft at &50 a month to double her speed of paying it off

I wouldn't feel bad this isn't to do with you. I know you say she can treat it like renting a room but that's not really true. She probably wants to bring back friends at any hour or a guy/girl perhaps. There's lots of reasons why she wants to have her own space without her parents watching (even without judgement)
She sounds well adjusted and independent well done op!

Let her try standing on her own two feet. She's clearly budgeting well if she can afford somewhere alone and is managing to pay off some of her overdraft.
I moved 3 hours away for uni and after uni I moved to a city closer to my hometown but still 1.5 hours away. My dad helped me move and he kept saying 'why don't you move home to save some money' etc... it came from a place of love as he'd always worried about money.
I asked him to give me a year to try living in this city and to see where I was in a year. Deep down I was terrified, I'd maxed my student overdraft (interest free) and spent nearly my entire savings on deposits for house etc...
My overdraft was interest free for 2 years but I worked my socks off and was out of that within a year and was starting to save. I wasn't highly paid either, but picked up some extra side work for money. I still managed to go out partying, save a bit and pay expensive rent! This was about 8 years ago now, and since then I worked myself up and 3 years ago had saved enough money to buy a place on my own. Hard work pays off and I was determined.

I moved back in with my parents after uni, and as much as I love them I hated every second of it (and if they are honest I suspect they would say the same).

Nothing had changed from before I went to uni, but after 3 years of independence I had changed and couldn't stand being expected to follow the way my parents did things.

There was nothing wrong but the dynamic had changed and I left as soon as I could. So don't take it personally, she's flown the nest and just doesn't want to take a backwards step