I'm really ugly

[sadsally33]

And it's things I can't change easily.

I have awful, yellow teeth. I brush regularly and have a good dentist but they are just discoloured and wonky.

My hair is flat and lank. It's fine and greasy so I have to wash it pretty much daily but even after all the time I spend washing and styling it it always looks crap.

I am overweight. I could lose weight. I've done it before and it makes me feel better but the other issues feel so unfixable I just think what's the point. Plus I love food.

My face is wrinkly and haggard and doughy.

Im only 37 and I feel I've aged so much in the past few years. I hate how I look and dread to think how much worse it'll get as I get older. I try not to get hung up on it and I instill in my children that looks aren't everything but my god I feel shit.

I've considered Botox but it doesn't last. I get my hair done properly maybe twice a year as it's all I can afford with trims in between. None of it really matters I still look awful.

How can I come to terms with this? What can I do to make myself feel better?

I feel for you on the teeth thing- I have the same and I realised recently I move away from people I talk to so they won’t see them- I’m also missing some which doesn’t help! I think if you over analyse and over look at something you’ll see things you don’t like. Do you drink a lot of water? Do you use a face wash and moisturiser you like the feel of? Do you have a hobby you like? I honestly believe life is about how you feel. I definitely think leave the Botox . Do something that makes you feel good- something pampery- even just painting toe nails and wash and moisturising feet and reading a book!

I don't think I'm a great looker but I get my confidence from other things. I'm really good at DIY, I can build things, chop down trees, grow a beautiful garden, I'm a great baker, I'm a pretty decent silversmith, I'm funny, fiercely loyal to those I care about, I'm a good mum despite being horrendously abused by my parents and never having been parented myself. There's lots of good things I can say about myself, I never say no to a challenge and have learnt loads along the way.

There is so, so much more to me than how I look, I barely give that I second thought to be honest because there are many more interesting things about me than my appearance.

People can say oh, I'm sure you don't look as bad as you think you do blah blah, but I don't think you will ever believe that. Find your confidence from other things, I'm sure there are far more interesting things about you than how you look too.

Lose weight.

by good food and light exercise, you’ll feel better immediately.

if your hair needs washing everyday, wash it everyday!

get a teeth whitening kit, even if it just brings down the yellow a notch, it will make a difference

i put a couple of tanning drops in my moisturiser to give me a bit of a glow (less is more) and added bonus, your teeth look whiter

im no looker, but lots of little bits of self care, all add up and make me feel gorgeous ;). My brows are always amazing

The Ordinary is a good, cheaper skin care range. Start to pamper yourself and you'll feel better. Apart from you, what difference to what really matters in your life does your appearance make? Think about your value system and what makes you happy. I like meditation, it puts things in perspective. I found reading around Buddhism and things like the beauty myth helpful as I aged.

I think I just don't know how to take care of myself. For example my friend is a lot heavier than me and her hair is probably thinner than mine but she always looks fab because she knows how to style it well and she always makes time to get her eyebrows and lashes done. I've never prioritised these things and quite honestly, I don't have the time for it!! I've had my lashes done before for holidays and special occasions but it takes forever. No way can I make time for that every month not would I want to.

I guess I just want to look at myself in the mirror and not think oh god. In my younger days I was fairly attractive I just think I've aged massively. The hair has always been shit but the teeth and the wrinkles have got much worse and I just feel so self conscious about being up close to anyone, even my dh which is sad.

It probably doesn't help that I'm not much good at anything else. I don't exercise or cook. I don't have hobbies. Since having the dc I've allowed myself to become frumpy and boring and I don't do anything for myself other than read or watch shit tv series when they are in bed. I can't even be bothered to shop for nice clothes online because I think I look so awful it's just pointless spending money on myself.

I bet you’re not ugly OP, don’t be so hard on yourself.

Teeth whitening can make a huge difference so I would save up for that if you can. Even wonky teeth can look good white!!

Wash your hair everyday.

And try adding some exercise in, it’ll make you feel good.

There are a lot of places doing offers on teeth whitening these day. Not sure on your budget but could you afford invisible braces? I hated my teeth for years but I've had invisible braces and they're straight now.
You can get payment plans on them, I paid £69 per month.

My hair is also very flat and fine so I feel your pain. What sort of style is it ATM? Would it be worth going shorter or going for a total restyle? Ask the hairdresser for something that will give you more volume, something choppy.

I love food too , I think your confidence will increase a lot if you lose the weight. You will feel better in general.

Would you consider fillers? I don't want to be saying get things you don't need, I have Botox and fillers so I can't talk. There's a lot of stigma against them but I think if they make women feel better about themselves then why not. What areas bother you the most? Fillers last a lot longer than Botox usually.

Could you also start tretinoin? I've seen massive differences in my skin. You can order it cheaply online from Spain.

Obviously I know the above is all budget dependent but there are ways to do it on a lower budget (like I am on)

It is very easy to say learn to love yourself but I don't think there's anything wrong with making changes if it gets you down. I hope you start to feel better about yourself soon.

What you have is not an appearance problem, it's a self-esteem problem.
Your friend who's bigger than you with lankier hair? She looks good because she cares about herself. You don't need to have fancy stuff or fake eyelashes to do that.

Start small. Tomorrow throw away every single item of clothing that's frumpy or damaged. You are worth more.

When you look in the mirror, stop criticising yourself - instead practise smiling or learn where the muscle patterns are in the habitual expressions that look frumpy.

What hobbies might you like to have? Write a list. Pick one. Start it!

If you don't like cooking that's fine but how do you and your kids eat? Ready meals/takeaways? That shit will not make you look or feel better. Treat yourselves to a Gousto/Hellofresh box - they are quick and easy to make, fun, healthy, tasty and can get the whole family involved and actually don't work out that dear because you hardly need to buy anything else all week (and if you're buying crisps and cakes then resolve to stop that too).

And remember this from Roald Dahl's The Twits:
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”

Thank you for the lovely helpful comments. I am Definitely stuck in a style rut and the lack of time/money/interest I have in taking care of myself is clearly coming home to roost.

Dh does all of the cooking in our house so we aren't eating crap (although improvements could still be made) but I just mindlessly snack. I have no willpower.

I need to work on my self esteem and try and do more for me. But it's easier said than done, after a day of running round after the kids and working it's a lot more tempting to veg in front of the tv with crisps and gin than it is to want to workout. But I totally know this is my own fault.

You poor things, its horrible when you feel crap about how you look. I've always struggled with this too, I've got quite an obvious eye problem (failed surgeries) and I dont tan. I dont carry weight very well, I'm a healthy weight but have the sort of build where I need to be right at the lower end of the healthy range, I'm not. I also love food and at the moment feel that if I make the effort to lose weight, I'll only put it on again. A few things that help me, I'm older than you btw so ageing/perimenopause has set in:

1)I've started doing a 5 minute positive energy meditation on youtube every day
2)I do a 10 minute workout on youtube every day, I vary it, have recently bought some cheap (light dumbells)
3) Drink lots of water.
4) Make up every day, (usually eye make up and lipstick)
5) Nivea Q10 tinted body and face moisturiser, takes the edge off my whiteness.

None of these things take that much time, although my kids are older.

Also, look up Iris Apfel, she has a brilliant quote:

"You're not pretty, and you'll never be pretty. But, it doesn't matter. You have something much better. You have style".

This quote resonated with me. Style ( dye my hair bright colours and quite like bright clothes etc) can take you a long way.

100% this is a psychological issue, not physical. Agree with @Twillow, you need to take stock and start to move forward.

Your looks are the least interesting thing about you. But you sound unhappy, or bored, and lethargic and this focus on your looks sounds like this is how it's coming out. Have you considered a bit of therapy, to help you think through what might help you feel a bit more joy in life? I really don't think that's about what you look like, but I think you will worry about your looks less if you find something to bring you a bit of a boost.

Just one tip from me...I have fine hair that tends to look crap the day I wash it. Have you tried dry shampoo? Its good at giving a bit of volume and boost. Now I tend to wash day 1, then dry shampoo for a couple of days and I think my hair looks nicer and with more volume on the in-between days.

Op I got myself in the same place. The kids are a bit older than yours sound. But my mum then died and it seemed to age me massively. It broke me. I overate, put weight on and didn’t take care of myself.

I decided instead of going on a diet, I would look after myself. Because my kids need a happy and engaged mum. I started by eating better, again, not a diet. Included more foods with health benefits and slowly reduced foods that had no benefit. I still eat chocolate when, or fast food. But not mindlessly.

I started taking 10 mins every morning and every evening, to do my skin care. I put on some music and spend 10 mins on myself. I reduced the amount of time I sat around watching TV on a night by 10 mins. Did my skin care and went to bed.

Everything was in baby steps. My hair is also thin so I went on tiktok and looked up tutorials for thin hair. They are a couple a minutes long. Gave me some ideas. I got a revlon one styler and used that. It look neater. Also started making sure I put a hair mask on once a week. Leave it on while I do some jobs and jump in the shower.

I have now started exercising. But I found as I looked after myself more, then I wanted to. So again reduced how much time I sat on the sofa snacking on a night because I wanted to. It didn’t feel like a huge effort.

Spending time on myself, instead of sat on the sofa has increased my self esteem and my feelings about how I look.

Hope some of that helps.

It's ok not to buy into society's beliefs around beauty. What's more important is you feeling better about you. I'd think about what you need to feel good about yourself. Is it counselling to work on esteem, or more practical- new clothes/make up, teeth whitening? Why not do some research and try to create a style that makes you happy.

Don't focus on weight. It backfires (I have a bad history of EDs thought, so I am really wary of intentional weight loss).

My bottom row of teeth are wonky now too. It does come with age I think as mine were perfect in my youth and never had braces or anything. In planning to see an orthodontist about mine and am going to get some whitening strips. I've used Crest in the past and found them good.

I'm 39 and have wrinkles on my forehead and crow's feet. They don't bother me so much, but I hate my '11s' which make me look bad tempered. I'm getting Botox next week. I know lots of people hate it, but I'm giving it a go.

I also agree though that a lot of it is psychological and things you can do to boost mood are more important than your looks and especially your size. Think of the people you love most in the world. What do you love about them? List the top 5, 10, 15, 20, 100 even things you love about them. Is any one of those things their dress size? Be kind to yourself xo

There are, as you say, lots of lovely comments here. I'm sorry that you feel so low so I'll add my own (some are same as previous ones but hopefully that just means they're good ideas).
In no particular order -
Do drink lots of water (I used to think that was a daft dad idea but it does make you feel better, fills you up and means you're less likely to snack).
Nivea day cream tinted moisturiser - not 'claggy' like foundation. I look dead without it.
You mentioned gin. I'm not suggested you have a problem at all BUT alcohol wrecks your skin and can make your face puffy and doughy. I know you're down and probably feel it's your only pleasure at the moment/you need it to unwind etc, but could you give it a break for a while and see if that helps?
It's a depressant too. Stopping will hopefully lift you mood. It would certainly help your calorie intake ... Win, win.
My Mum used to say 'Nobody's looking at YOU. They're all too busy thinking about themselves '. Wise words which I've found very helpful!
Finally - a smile goes a long way and makes everyone look a lot better.Fun
Good Luck.

OP just some advice re hair. My hair is similar- really fine, so it has a tendency to get lank and greasy. I had to wash my hair everyday. I changed from supermarket type brands of hair products to more expensive brands like lush and aveda. It's been a revelation. I now only need to wash my hair every two to three days. Play around with some higher quality products.

You can bleach your teeth. I used white strips and it really worked (must do it again soon!). That's how the Americans keep their teeth white despite all the coffee they drink!

And hair wise, have you tried using a curling wand to add texture?

Where is this coming from, are you wanting to meet someone? Or are you just at a bit of an insecure stage?

No one is perfect, your friend might be well put together but I'm sure there's things about you she's envious of.

losing weight is the cheapest thing to make yourself look better but probably the hardest. The rest of it needs a bit of money throwing at it. Hair extensions for volume, try a different brand of Botox, teeth whitening strips as mentioned above work

Find haircare and skincare that work for your particular hair type (it doesn't have to be expensive), it'll make a huge difference. My hair gets oily and I tend to get a build up of product where its thick which also makes if appear greasy even when it's recently been washed. Using a cleansing shampoo once a week makes a difference, and then I just use one of the aldi dupe shampoos and works fine; also remember to wash your hairbrush regularly and if you use products to not use too much.

Teeth you could get whitened if you have the money and time to invest, once you have the cast of your teeth you can buy the solution online which is cheaper- just the first app to get that cast that's pricey but for me it was worth it. Its made a huge difference to my confidence.

I used to use expensive skin care but now use a gentle face wash twice a day and lotion (SPF everyday too)- none of it costs much but skin looks better than it did.

Even if you don't make weight loss your goal, being more active and eating fresh foods will make you feel a tonne better (and weight lose will be a happy by product).

None of this is easy if you feel as down as you do, none will work miracles on underlying self esteem issues, but there are things you can explore to help you build confidence.

I would honestly start with a hobby. You’ve just got so used to putting yourself at the bottom of the pile.
Get out for one evening a week and do something fun. Have a good think about what you might like to do and make it this weeks target to book onto something.

Build your identity again as someone who isn’t just a wife and mother.

Can you link where you brought the tretinoin online please? I can't seem to find it anywhere. Thank you. @Spanakopitas

Ahh OP I really feel for you.

I have just had my first baby and I feel so frumpy too; everything i own is covered in spew, my hairs falling out in clumps and is constantly scraped back in a bun, make up is so much effort because it means taking it off before bed because I hate sleeping in make up.

I feel like I’m coming out of this newborn haze a bit now and somethings I feel have helped are drinking water, even just a few glasses.
Going on a walk - i try to make it a scenic walk and go somewhere nice like a park or waterfront.
Try and do basic beauty stuff eg get nails done, get eyebrows done - whatever you can afford do it.

Start putting yourself first because you sound like you’ve done so much for your family already.

Why don't you start with something like yoga? There are loads of little work outs on YouTube
Yoga with Adrienne is popular on here, there is usually a thread going on here, I'll see if I can find it.
Just half an hour a day might help with your posture & start to make you feel a little better & start the impetus to start looking after yourself.

Infact I'm going to start doing this myself - I recently had an accident which left me needing a skin graft on my leg. 6 weeks laid on the sofa with my leg elevated, I've gained weight, got really unfit & struggling to get back to my normal gym routine. So I'm going to take my own advice! 🙄

There are also really easy little things you could do, buy some eyebrow tint the eylure dybrow is good & will take 5 mins at home and a quick blast of dry shampoo on your roots can give your hair a lift!

Start small & just try to look after yourself a little. Don't be so hard on yourself. 💐