I'm really ugly

[sadsally33]

And it's things I can't change easily.

I have awful, yellow teeth. I brush regularly and have a good dentist but they are just discoloured and wonky.

My hair is flat and lank. It's fine and greasy so I have to wash it pretty much daily but even after all the time I spend washing and styling it it always looks crap.

I am overweight. I could lose weight. I've done it before and it makes me feel better but the other issues feel so unfixable I just think what's the point. Plus I love food.

My face is wrinkly and haggard and doughy.

Im only 37 and I feel I've aged so much in the past few years. I hate how I look and dread to think how much worse it'll get as I get older. I try not to get hung up on it and I instill in my children that looks aren't everything but my god I feel shit.

I've considered Botox but it doesn't last. I get my hair done properly maybe twice a year as it's all I can afford with trims in between. None of it really matters I still look awful.

How can I come to terms with this? What can I do to make myself feel better?

Your looks are the least interesting thing about you. But you sound unhappy, or bored, and lethargic and this focus on your looks sounds like this is how it's coming out. Have you considered a bit of therapy, to help you think through what might help you feel a bit more joy in life? I really don't think that's about what you look like, but I think you will worry about your looks less if you find something to bring you a bit of a boost.

I absolutely agree with this.

This has definitely led to unhealthy habits and makes it so I basically live in leggings and hoodies.

When I gained weight during perimenopause, I started living in leggings and hoodies. These items stretch so it took a while for it to properly register that I had gained weight. Start dressing properly again and wearing real clothes. This is something that really worked for me. Mostly though, you need to work on your self-esteem. You live in your skin every single day and by learning to love yourself, it will make you so much happier.

Lastly, stop drinking so much. Alcohol can be a depressive and cause negative thoughts to spiral. At the very least, even reducing the amount you drink will only be a positive thing, particularly with regards to your weight.

Your looks are the least interesting thing about you.

I do agree with this, and for those that matter in your life and care and love you for you it won't make a difference. People do treat you differently if you're slim and/or make an effort with your appearance though. It shouldn't be the case but it absolutely is as well as affecting your confidence and often your MH. I know it's not the done thing to say that but people do judge on appearance.

Oh, love, I can really relate to your post.
I've never been attractive and I FEEL ugly, both in my appearance and inside as a person.
I do love my hair. That's all, though.
I'm at peace with being ugly, but not about how I feel ugly internally.
That probably makes no sense.
I feel like I'm not a good person and I think thar makes me uglier than my ugly face and body.
If you're a lovely person, and feel like you are decent towards others, I think that can bring some acceptance? I don't know.
Sorry I can't help. I feel sad that you feel bad about yourself.
X

I have really thin/crappy hair. I had it cut recently into a pixie and it is coloured blond. Having short hair means it looks in slightly better condition and the blood hair brighten things up.

I have spent most of my youth and 20s/30s hating myself and the way I looked.

I was bullied for my appearance throughout my teenage years. My parents did nothing to fix my crooked teeth and deviated jaw (a birth defect that should have been corrected when I was a child) so I grew up looking really strange.

I think it is only in middle-age that I became more comfortable with myself. I stopped caring about what people, especially men, think of me and how I look and I simply focused on doing things I enjoy and developing new hobbies and passions and travelling.

I think it is too easy, especially if you are a woman, to buy into the idea that your physical appearance is your only value in society and should be your priority.

I found it liberating to realise that seeking to be/obsessing about being prettier never made me happy.

These days I only care about being healthy, so I try to eat well and be physically active.

I think exercise definitely help with improving mental health/general mood.

These days for me grooming is only focused on being clean and smelling nice and wearing the clothes I feel happy in. I have no interest in following fashion, looking ''sexy'' or whether somebody finds me attractive. I don't wear make up anymore unless I am going out somewhere special. I am more interested in enjoying what life has to offer than worrying about the reflection in the mirror.

I am never going to be traditionally pretty but I can be happy if that makes sense.

Hello fellow low self esteem lady, I'm also on a tight budget so expensive lashes/products are not an option.

Two years ago I started couch to 5k. I hated running previously. But I've managed to keep it up, although not three times a week. I listen to a podcast as I run- mainly uplifting ones! It's definitely helped my mental health. But I'm no pro runner.

I've also tried to make some other adjustments to my diet. (But no major ones as I'm currently on a waiting list for binge eating disorder.) It's a tough battle. The one person I found who has helped and not made my eating disorder worse is Jessie Inchauspé. She talks about how to balance our sugar spikes. Research has linked sugar spikes to lots of things, like unhealthy hair, skin,aging etc. She says you can still eat sugary foods but tells you how to eat them to cause less sugar spikes. It's definitely not a diet which is great, really easy adjustments. She's on Instagram.

I've also started to focus on gut friendly foods, which has been proven to help mental health, immune system etc. Definitely worth investigating.

I've started following midsize women on Instagram and they've lot lots of tips on how to dress your body. I really recommend Molly Campsie. Maybe you can try find someone who has a similar shape to you and a style you like. There are hundreds on Instagram.

Plus I recommend looking up Alex Light, she's a body confidence activist.

On top of that I've received some nhs counseling which is been some help too!

Honestly, you probably don't look anywhere as bad as you think! But I completely understand as I feel the same.

If you live near a shopping centre they might have a stylist consultation for free with no obligation to buy - I did this once as I'm generally really bad at shopping and styling myself. It was well worth it. Ideally set aside a few £ to buy one or two things but even if do not you will get to feel special and get good advise for your body shape. The fact that your larger friend can look better just proves the point that it's worth trying.

I know that looks aren't the most important thing, and they really aren't. But if we look well put together there's no doubt we feel better and more confident.

Healthy eating, lots of water and a little bit of exercise is a great start.

As for your hair, I've found with mine that I can sort of train it to be washed less often by stretching out between washes. This has improved the condition. Could you try this? Also watching some YouTube tutorials of easy styles. I've learnt to curl mine from watching YouTube.

A few new outfits can make the world of difference to how you feel. I know when I put on weight after having my second child I only wore leggings and hoodies and I felt so scruffy but I was scared to wear anything nice as I believed I was too fat.

You don't have to be stock thin to look lovely in clothes, a nice dress, jeans and a top, it can feel strange when you've lived in baggy clothes but you'd look lovely.

Could you afford to have anything done with your teeth? I bet no one notices anyway but if you could and it would make you feel better then why not?

You can turn it around. I felt similar to you at one point and now feel a lot better.

I'm 37 and relate to EVERYTHING you wrote in the OP.

I'm not technically overweight but feel it.

I got veeners at 19 so can't easily bleach my teeth without changing them. Haven't tried botox yet due to allergies to various things.

Planning to do both soon though. However, in the middle of buying a house.

Don't come to terms with it.
You aren't ugly but there are things you don't like about yourself.
Make a realistic plan to do something positive about it.
My biggest game changer was doing something about my teeth, massive investment but I am more confident and happy having them sorted.
You can do something about weight and it is worth it.

Get a weighted hula hoop. It will whittle your waist very quickly. Wear a jumper or hoody to start with as it can bruise your hips.
It strengthens your core, tones your quads and tightens your pelvic floor into the bargain.
Stick some music on and hula away! It’s really fun.
I started out at a couple of minutes and built up to an hour.
I had abs for the first time in my life, at the age of 54.

I’m definitely no natural beauty, OP. I genuinely feel beautiful most of the time but that’s nothing to do with my natural looks. We are born how were born aren’t we?! Some things I do to make sure I feel my best:

• drink lots of water
• do exercise every day (even if it’s very light and for a very short time)
• get out in the sunshine whenever possible for a quick walk
• wash hair whenever it needs washing - I have fine hair too and I will mess it with curlers and salt spray to get an extra day but ultimately, if I’m going somewhere I just wash it and I look better
• go to the dentist and get a quote for what you want done (bleaching etc) and save up for it. I don’t do any other cosmetic enhancements but your teeth make a huge difference to self esteem!
• Have a good morning routine. Get up slightly earlier, do something (yoga / Pilates for 15 mins), drink cold water, have a ten second cold shower and then put some good moisturiser/ foundation / bronzer / lip balm on. Just 10 mins doigg by yourself up in the mirror is huuuuge I find.
• wear clothes you love, ignore fashion completely.
• own it, be happy and fake the confidence for a short while - it will catch you up

It sounds like more than anything you need to feel able to spend some time on doing some things just for you, whether that be a hobby you enjoy or self care just for making you feel good and like you're caring for yourself as much as anything rather than specifically doing things to improve this and that about your appearance.

I don't want to say you 'should' do this or that to improve your appearance (a) I'm sure you absolutely are not ugly, and (b) your worth is not in your looks and you're so much more than that) but (as someone who's just always enjoyed beauty and skincare and fashion, I'm in to it, I enjoy it, others aren't interested, and that's absolutely A OK), if you do want to do some things for your appearance, I would suggest:

1. skincare more than make up - just having a simple routine with what can be inexpensive products can make a big difference: proper cleansing, with a balm or oil, and firm facial massage (loads of facialists on instagram have videos of technique) and a clean flannel for polishing, always always cleansing thoroughly at night but I do more of the massage in the morning as my face can be a bit puffy in the morning makes a huge difference; vitamin C serum and niacinamide serum in the morning, moisturiser and always always always SPF; retinol at night. Beauty Pie has some lovely products at decent prices plus good advice about this sort of routine (ABC + SPF - retinol is vitamin A, niacinamide is vitamin B and vitamin C).

2. I think whitening your teeth might make quite a difference to your confidence, and also if you were more confident about your teeth you might feel more comfortable smiling which makes a world of difference to someone's appearance.

3. could you try a different hairdresser who might suggest styles that would work best with your fine hair and how best to style it?

4. I don't know about your budget but if you did want to invest in Invisalign given it sounds like you are quite self conscious about your teeth - again on the smiling point, a smiling face always looks more attractive.

5. again I don't know about your budget but for me botox has made a big difference as I have had quite deep set wrinkles since I was in my twenties on my forehead. Absolutely not for everyone and the skincare I mentioned above on its own would make a big difference if you're not doing much at all at present. Only with a qualified dentist as they understand facial anatomy.

I think more than anything though OP it sounds like just caring for yourself to improve your self esteem a bit.

All of those issues do seem fixable though -

whiten teeth
wash your hair daily (I do this, my hair is also thin and gets greasy easily)
lose weight (not easy but it’s possible)

the fact that you were reasonably attractive when you were younger suggests you’re not just ‘naturally unattractive’

Ok I felt the exact same as you.

I'm a month in to trying to overhaul myself.

I bought a second hand peloton and I'm forcing myself on it every day for 20 minutes. I just make it fit in my day because it's only 20 minutes but it adds up.

I bought crest teeth whitening strips and although it doesn't help my crooked teeth, it's certainly helped them look better as the colour has most definitely lifted.

I'm using lilash. It's an eyelash serum and I'm shocked that every woman doesn't know about it. I've used it before before I lost all zest for myself and my eyelashes were insane - I wish I had kept it up but alas I'll get there again.

I've bought a water bottle which has the times on it to show how much water should be drunk by what time. I find it great for accountability and I've been drinking more water than ever before.

All of this combined is making me slowly become a bit more comfortable in my own body. I still feel like a bag of shit in truth but at least I know I'm on the right road and would kick myself had I let a month pass without doing all of the above.

I've heard good things about the crest teeth whitening strips but I've tried over the counter stuff before and it's just been a waste of money. Also where do you get them?! Are they an American thing?

I just looked at the lilash eyelash serum but it's £149!!!!! Can't really justify that but maybe there's a cheaper alternative, although again it probably won't be as effective.

There are things out there that can help. I just need to find them.

I've made a reasonable meal plan for next week and had a nice bath, plucked my brows and moisturised before bed. Little things.

The solution isn't finding ways to change your appearance, it's realising that your value as a person isn't based on your external appearance.

@sadsally33 This eyelash serum is really good, I noticed a big difference when I used it. They also do a brow serum but I haven't tried it yet. Lash Force Eyelash Growth Serum | Lash Growth Serum | nyk1.com – NYK1

Be careful with teeth whitening strips, they can damage your teeth.

I just use a charcoal toothpaste and it works wonders if you are a coffee/ tea/ red wine drinker and just have some staining from that. It's called MrBlancTeeth, I just get it from Amazon.

I recommend trying this before moving onto anything stronger as it might just be that you have a bit of discolouration from your diet and that is very easily sorted.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Blanc-Teeth-Charcoal-Toothpaste-Whitening/dp/B01M24PTPI/ref=sr_1_4?crid=1WUT82ZWBQ3W0&keywords=mr+blanc+teeth&qid=1684138444&sprefix=mr+blanc+teeth%2Caps%2C67&sr=8-4

You are right OP about your lifestyle and that only you can change that.

I have posted above about teeth whitening but really I think you need to shift your focus away from products like teeth whitening, eyelash serum, moisturisers etc because all of that is only surface level.

You need to change from within if you want to really feel better and see a difference. When you actually change your lifestyle and feel better, you will not need or care about these products so much because you will just naturally feel and look good.

Please try to make this your main focus rather than what you can buy. Move more and eat less - that's really all there is to it but I know it's hard - you could see your GP for some support if you're struggling.

Change what you can
Accept what you can not

You may not be able to change your wrinkles but you can get your hair cut differently so it frames or covers your face better.

Stop washing you hair so much. It gets oily from washing too much. You think you are helping your hair but you are actually making it worse.

If you feel to fat: eat better and healthier and start doing something that you enjoy. So don't join a gym if you hate it but take up a (online) dance class and dance your way to a healthier you.
And losing weight doesn't mean cutting out all foods you love. Just eat less of the bad foods and more of the good stuff.

I got the teeth whitening strips from a website called The White Smiles. I bought the 20 pack and there's absolutely a noticeable difference!

Lilash is expensive. My friend uses UK Lash and her lashes are amazing too. You just need to stick with it daily for 12 weeks.

Little things most definitely add up! The plucked eyebrows are something I have to work on too. Mañana!

I also agree that you need to love yourself from within as the PP said. But it's really quite hard when you hate what you see in the mirror. So - for me - making external changes helps with the internal feeling.

I think this self love stuff is easier said than done.

I found the crest whitening strips so painful. I had horrific toothache for a couple of days but I do have sensitive teeth.

It sounds like you are making some good changes OP, well done. I think we all fall off the wagon a bit sometimes when life gets hectic and can lose ourselves a bit. I can relate somewhat, I spent the last few years caring for an elderly parent, it was overwhelming and I lost interest in self care for a while.

But I'm starting to get myself back, and one of the best things I have done over the last few months has been sign up to a workout class regularly - for me its Reformer Pilates. I try to go twice a week, I feel amazing after it and can feel myself slowly getting stronger. It's been brilliant for my mental health as well, for two hours a week I can get out of my head and do something positive for me.
I also have a morning and evening skincare routine which take about 5 minutes, and have bought some new clothes for summer. Just little things that make me feel better.

I know people say not to focus on our appearance, but self care is really important, and grooming is part of that - it doesn't have to be extreme.