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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask her to sell and gift me some money?

70 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 13/05/2023 14:39

I have posted quite a few times about a move into my Grandmother's flat and the utter turmoil it has thrown up. We have moved in, me and my 2 sons 8&12 (8yo has ASD, which has some relevance) and our beautiful dog. I have changed my working pattern to accommodate a 2 x 1 hour commute to the schools each day, 8yo cannot move due to additional needs and current provisions, this was my decision and also team around a child consensus. Eldest has a good group of friends and a beloved football team, I also don't want to move schools as I was never ever happy with this move. I work between commuting and in the evenings to compensate. I am so stretched and receive no family support.

Essentially, I spent £6.5k on my Grandmother's flat in a city to make it move-inable, it still needs plumbing. I pay her rent, more than I did at my previous home where I was for nearly 9 years until LL wanted to sell. My family encouraged me to move into the flat so I could pay my Nannas rent as she is now in sheltered housing and then some. Our previous home so perfect, we were in the countryside with gardens and a walk to school and so many places for me to walk our dog. My children were in the garden a lot.

The flat has come with caveats, Grandmother threatened to sell it just a few weeks ago after I'd just put new flooring in, she expects me to visit more although I have so much less time. One thing, she did say she would gift me £30k should the flat be sold whilst we were in residence, but then told me I wouldn't get that if I couldn't make it work. She then said this money was only if it were to benefit her.

We HATE the flat, my youngest has refused to come back 3 times and now wants to live with his Dad. I had a difficult childhood and it is doing nothing but throw up memories and I feel as though I've dragged my children into it. I feel awful, claustrophobic, helpless, lack of control, I can't function properly, I feel isolated, I've been signed off work after only just being promoted. I'm being physically sick some days.

AIBU to please ask her again if she could sell flat and let me have some money for a deposit? I would continue to pay rent and look after it until it was sold and be there for viewings etc. I have to get out, it just doesn't fit.

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 13/05/2023 14:42

Why did you move in? Just because you had to move somewhere? Or in order to help her out? I’d be looking to move out again back to your previous area if you possibly can

Floralnomad · 13/05/2023 14:43

No you can’t , it was madness to move in in the first place with any caveats in place . I’d look for a different rental .

Darkroot · 13/05/2023 14:43

Why didn’t you use the 6.5k to set yourself up somewhere else instead of spending it on her flat?

Starlitestarbright · 13/05/2023 14:43

You don't have a right to a deposit its her money to do with it as she wishes. I'm surprised you spent 6.5k when you could have used that to get more suitable accommodation?

AHugeTinyMistake · 13/05/2023 14:46

The 30k won't materialise - it's just to keep you on the hook

I would move if you can. Is that possible?

Testina · 13/05/2023 14:46

Why on earth did you drag your children so far away from their lives for no benefit to them and none to you either?!
Woman up.
Don’t try to scam your grandmother for money for your poor decision.
Find a rental back where you were, and leave this bad decision in your past.

finallygotospeaktoSky · 13/05/2023 14:47

I'd be looking to move out asap, let her evict you if need be. She sounds selfish and tbh I wouldn't be visiting her either she's obviously enjoying the control over you.

HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 14:47

How is she able to sell if she's paying rent?!

Testina · 13/05/2023 14:48

What does “it still needs plumbing” even mean? I am aghast that you spent £6.5K on someone else’s flat 😳

ConsuelaHammock · 13/05/2023 14:48

Move out !

UlrikakakaJ · 13/05/2023 14:49

By all means move out, not sure why she would be providing you with a deposit though? Sounds like she/you/the fam saw a possible win-win where you got housing security and she got a reliable tenant, but it’s not working for you. That’s fine, but I think you may have misinterpreted it as a gift to you that you want to exchange for something you prefer…

StrawberryWasp · 13/05/2023 14:49

You seem angry with your grandmother for decisions you've made and seem to think she owes you money to buy somewhere.
Why is your grandmother responsible for giving you money?

So much here doesn't make sense.

Findyourneutralspace · 13/05/2023 14:49

I’m not sure I understand. Why did you move in the first place? Can you get your gran to reimburse you the £6.5k you’ve spent on the flat? I presume it’s added value to the property.

HarrietJet · 13/05/2023 14:50

Oh, I misread. I thought you'd moved in so you could continue paying her rent, sorry.
You have absolutely no entitlement to any money realised from the sale, though. It's not yours, so you were a bit foolish too plow your savings into it.
It's done, though. She doesn't owe you a penny.

PinkCast · 13/05/2023 14:50

You should move out and find your own place.

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 13/05/2023 14:52

The caveats didn't appear until after all the move was all agreed. My LL told me she was selling but I still handed in my notice.

It was sold as a home, I was told me be grateful and how lucky I am. I panicked because rent is unattainable in the area I was in now, more than double. I was very lucky and although the house needed a lot of work, the front door wasn't closing properly, we were without heat one winder, the carpets thread bare, the rent never increased. I thought it would be more secure.

It was all from panick and my family telling me to go in and is the single biggest mistake I have ever made. I hate myself. I knew I was unhappy about moving, I cried a lot, but nothing could have prepare me for how I feel being here. Its so unsustainable. Now I am without savings, paying out more on fuel insurance and council tax.

I thought my boys would be better being with their dad, I am a fucking idiot.

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 13/05/2023 14:54

I don’t think you can ask her for a house deposit 😵‍💫 just say it isn’t working and movie. It was really silly to spend your own money on the flat

Ginmonkeyagain · 13/05/2023 14:54

So your grandma is in a care home.

You are renting the flat she owns from her to enable her to pay the care home fees.

The flat is not suitable for you and your family both location wise and in terms of its current state of repair so you wish to move out.

Why did you agree to rent such a clearly unsuitable property?

Is this by any chance a contrived arrangement to try and prevent the flat from being sold to pay your grandma's care home fees?

Aria999 · 13/05/2023 14:56

Ask your gran if she would be ok to give you back the 6.5k if she ever sells it.

Move out, get a new rental in the location you want to be in.

If she wants to rent out the flat instead of selling, maybe offer to help her find a letting agent if you are getting pressure from family for not renting it for yourself.

It was crazy to move so far from your life and spend so much money on a property you didn't own. But I think you know that!

Don't throw good money and time after bad. Get out of this now.

Starlitestarbright · 13/05/2023 14:57

Surely you knew the state of the property before you took it on? Your an adult op, you made a decision to take a property which was no suitable. You now expect to have 30k given to you by your grandmother to obtain housing.

Testina · 13/05/2023 14:59

I’ve had a quick look at your other recent posts.
Are you still not working on Fridays so you can see your grandmother?
She sounds like a manipulative old boot.
So the first thing you can do, is stop seeing her.
Have a day when you’re not back and forth to school 4x a day, and trying to get work done in the evening to catch up.
Treat yourself to a rest day to get rested and stronger - and house hunt!

dottiedodah · 13/05/2023 15:43

Can u find a smaller property where you lived before? Even a 1 bedroom for the moment. Or a nearby area you could still attend previous school /Your family esp DGM seem to be playing you like a fiddle! I would say to them you have given it a go and it hasnt worked out . Say you need the 6.5k back ASAP .If they moan you will need advice from a Lawyer ,I appreciate its difficult with your family ,but you are in a bind so to speak!

Original poster
OnTheGoAlways · 13/05/2023 15:43

None of it makes sense, I know this now, and I hate myself for it, I've felt like dying.

I had change my working pattern to accommodate for commute so now also work a Friday to allow for this.

I told my grandmother I didn't want to go in at one point and she said I made her ill. When I mentioned last week that it isn't working for us she again said it would make her ill if I left because she likes having me close by.

The flat is solely my Grandmother's, paid outright. She is now living in sheltered housing as she can no longer access the flat.

OP posts:
Crumpleton · 13/05/2023 15:44

You're not a fucking idiot.

From reading your other posts is sounds like your previous LL was messing you about and with 2 DC and a dog you really do need to know that you're going to have a roof over your heads long term.

Unfortunately the same goes for your Nan, getting you to move into her flat, which I'm assuming she owns, you paying rent to her then once you've moved in and spent your good money she's throwing in do's and don'ts of how things will be.

How your family can conclude that you should think yourself lucky is laughable, your Nan is the one that should think herself lucky, living in sheltered accommodation while still owning her own flat and receiving rent from it.

Is there anyway that you could get a local authority property being as you have DC to home?
Are there any organisations that you could turn to for help?

I'm with PP that if possible you should now think about moving out again even if to another private rental.
Would your Nan be in agreement that as you've spent 6.5K she'll allow you to stop paying rent in order for you to save towards moving out again or is the accommodation that your Nan is now in dependant on receiving the rent that you pay her so she can pay that?

I've a feeling you've been asked to move in more for your Nan's benifit than your and your DC's.

FrownedUpon · 13/05/2023 15:46

It all sounds very chaotic. Your poor DC. It’s really cheeky to ask her for money. Pay your own way in life.