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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask her to sell and gift me some money?

70 replies

OnTheGoAlways · 13/05/2023 14:39

I have posted quite a few times about a move into my Grandmother's flat and the utter turmoil it has thrown up. We have moved in, me and my 2 sons 8&12 (8yo has ASD, which has some relevance) and our beautiful dog. I have changed my working pattern to accommodate a 2 x 1 hour commute to the schools each day, 8yo cannot move due to additional needs and current provisions, this was my decision and also team around a child consensus. Eldest has a good group of friends and a beloved football team, I also don't want to move schools as I was never ever happy with this move. I work between commuting and in the evenings to compensate. I am so stretched and receive no family support.

Essentially, I spent £6.5k on my Grandmother's flat in a city to make it move-inable, it still needs plumbing. I pay her rent, more than I did at my previous home where I was for nearly 9 years until LL wanted to sell. My family encouraged me to move into the flat so I could pay my Nannas rent as she is now in sheltered housing and then some. Our previous home so perfect, we were in the countryside with gardens and a walk to school and so many places for me to walk our dog. My children were in the garden a lot.

The flat has come with caveats, Grandmother threatened to sell it just a few weeks ago after I'd just put new flooring in, she expects me to visit more although I have so much less time. One thing, she did say she would gift me £30k should the flat be sold whilst we were in residence, but then told me I wouldn't get that if I couldn't make it work. She then said this money was only if it were to benefit her.

We HATE the flat, my youngest has refused to come back 3 times and now wants to live with his Dad. I had a difficult childhood and it is doing nothing but throw up memories and I feel as though I've dragged my children into it. I feel awful, claustrophobic, helpless, lack of control, I can't function properly, I feel isolated, I've been signed off work after only just being promoted. I'm being physically sick some days.

AIBU to please ask her again if she could sell flat and let me have some money for a deposit? I would continue to pay rent and look after it until it was sold and be there for viewings etc. I have to get out, it just doesn't fit.

OP posts:

Sinamin · 13/05/2023 17:45

Aw jings OP, this is not good.

You need to take some deep breaths and regroup. Take an honest look at your own finances and at what costs you can cut and where you can cut them.

The expense of your commute alone will be saved if you can find a new place closer to your work. I know that times are tough but you need to get yourself out of your current situation ASAP because it is harming you and your family.

Just as one example, you could keep your mobile phone ticking over for about a fiver a month for calls and texts which is really all a mobile is needed for.

You might also be entitled to discounts from BT etc if you are on a low income or one of your family has special needs.

I'm not too up on the current requirements for any of these discounts but it might be worth looking into?

SummerWhisper · 13/05/2023 17:58

I don't think you have a rental contract. I know it seems against your nature but just stop paying rent. Tell her it's on its way every time she asks. Start looking for something new today and know that she has knowingly robbed her great grandchildren of 6 grand.

bellocchild · 13/05/2023 18:31

You could withhold rent until you have recovered the £6,500? It won't make you popular, but it might help you plan your escape - and it would bring matters to a head!

LookItsMeAgain · 13/05/2023 18:37

Can I recommend that if you do move out and you leave without getting your £6.5k back, that you get an agreement (get some legal advice on this too) in writing to say that if the property gets sold, you get £6.5k from the proceeds of the sale back.

So what if your upsetting your grandmother/relatives? They clearly have no objections to making you upset, your children (their relatives) upset. So time to get your feet back under you and do the best for you and your kids now.

cocog · 13/05/2023 18:54

She won’t give you any money her place was in too bad condition to rent out so your family filled it with you and offer you no support now you have spent your savings on it. it’s upping the sale value STOP doing this also charge her for all repairs it’s her responsibility as landlady. Start saving every penny you can and either save for a house deposit could you look for part ownership close to the boy’s schools or a new rental work out a savings plan tell the kids your sorry your in this mess but it’s not going to be long term now! If granny dies I’m sure her children will want you out to sell it with 8 weeks notice and no share of their inheritance. Also put yourself on housing lists for council properties if you could be eligible it’s a mistake we all make them just do everything you can to correct it asap and don’t believe anything your family says you and your children are the priority do everything you can to make you 3 happy again don’t tell them your saving/moving they will sell it as soon as they know your going to Leave! Also you paid for carpets ect you could always remove them and take them with you keep the receipts for everything and salvage what you can your a tenant it belongs to you you have no reason to leave it behind stop being walked over! Also are you claiming everything you can universal credit child maintenance if not this could help with saving.

Original poster

OnTheGoAlways · 13/05/2023 20:11

I had to cut my hours recently as my youngest can't attend school full time so I am now topped up by universal credit, they are paying towards my housing, so I'm worried of course that if I stop paying rent I will be committing fraud. This also means saving is almost impossible, albeit £20 here and there, nothing substantial.

There is a tenancy agreement in place.

If I stop paying rent and use the money to pay for a rental deposit I could get into trouble.

Do I tell her that I'd like to leave and we are looking or do I just stay until I've found somewhere?

I have the carpet recipients and decorators invoice.

I've never put myself on the council waiting list, and were not effectively homeless?

I can't think straight at all. I really appreciate everyone who has taken the time to reply, thank you.

OP posts:

InOrderDisorder83146 · 13/05/2023 20:21

Do not discuss your plans with your family

Look for a new place to live

Give notice (as per in the contract)

Move out

DO NOT SPEND MONEY ON PROPERTY THAT YOU DO NOT OWN

Carpets, flooring are the responsibility of the landlord to provide !

EarringsandLipstick · 13/05/2023 20:25

Do I tell her that I'd like to leave and we are looking or do I just stay until I've found somewhere?

Find somewhere. Give notice.

I have the carpet recipients and decorators invoice.

Give them to her & ask for her to pay. Tho if you did it without permission in the first place, that's not great.

Was the £6.5k all your savings? What possessed you to spend it on a flat you don't own?

CremeEggThief · 13/05/2023 21:35

I wouldn't tell anyone anything until you've thought everything through and have got a plan in place first, OP.

And I really hope you do get the £6.5 k back, but I can see them being difficult about that too. If it wasn't for the UC element, I would say to withold the rent until you've recouped that would be the safest option.

Difficult families are just the worst!

Murdoch1949 · 15/05/2023 02:37

You're absolutely buggered. You know you've made seriously bad decisions and now you've got to draw a line under it. Your grandmother has you over a barrel, she can string you along indefinitely, with this vague promise of money. You'll get nothing, and all the other family members who are supporting you living there now, so you can pay her rent, will change their attitude when the will is being discussed. Even if you get a will written leaving you £30k, she can change it. I refer you to my opening sentence.

Geppili · 15/05/2023 02:55

Your grandmother is an arch manipulator. Google FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt). Distance yourself from her. She can find another tenant. Don't beat yourself up. She is nasty and you have been taken for a ride.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 15/05/2023 02:56

You have lost this money. Now re-assess and forget about that money. Basing your decisions in what you have spent is Sunk Costs Fallacy. It will keep you chained down.

Perhaps you could have a conversation about reducing rent until the money you have spent is recovered. Would that work for you? The response to that should tell you whether you could continue to stay or just move out and everyone else be damned.

Why should you make yourself sick just to pander to all of their wants? And I say wants deliberately, they aren't needs. You are prioritising their wants over your needs. This needs to stop.

SparklyBlackKitten · 15/05/2023 03:01

Yabu on about 6 different accounts op!
Step up for your kids.
And the asd of your son has no relevance to the story. You need to make better decisions for your kids though.

Stop feeling bad and start being better

hattie43 · 15/05/2023 05:07

Forget all this nonsense . Move to your own place and live an independent life . £30k is not going to come your way , your nan sounds manipulative and is just saying that to keep you giving her her own way .

Eviebeans · 15/05/2023 05:36

It is time to cut your losses in all senses - the flat, the money you spent on the flat and the money promised by your gran and most of all your family- they are using you
The way you are living is unsustainable
calm down and think clearly and only of what is best for you and your children
make a list of things to do
in order of priority
do not discuss with your family members

what do you think should be number one on your list - I’d say to find the best property you can afford in or as close to the village where you were living before
act as you would in a normal tenant/landlord situation
find a new property then give notice on the old one (granny’s flat)

CSIblonde · 15/05/2023 05:55

You will never see the £30k. It's a carrot to keep you there. You need to move. As your landlord, legally, repairs should have been her financial responsibility, so I'd rip up the flooring when I go, put a cheap 2nd hand door on ( pennies on Facebook marketplace or Ebay) instead & take the nice one you bought with you. Do the same with anything else decent you were forced to buy. Either don't tell them you've done that til moving day, or if you can't preventthem finding out beforehand, remind them of a landlords legal responsibities & say you sold them to fund your deposit .

Helenloveslee4eva · 15/05/2023 05:58

Move our.
you won’t see any money back sadly.

apart from anything else. If she gives you money from the flat sale it’ll be “ deprivation of assets “ if she’s expecting the state to pay for her care so soc services will want the money

jeaux90 · 15/05/2023 06:42

Move out put you and your kids first.

Testina · 15/05/2023 07:35

@OnTheGoAlways I’m going to copy and highlight @Helenloveslee4eva ‘s excellent point to make sure you read it. It definitely could be relevant and if so it’s really important - she’s really not going to give you money, but in case you don’t believe it or your family gets in your head about it. she may not be able to anyway:

”apart from anything else. If she gives you money from the flat sale it’ll be “ deprivation of assets “ if she’s expecting the state to pay for her care so soc services will want the money”

OrionRelocationServices · 15/05/2023 07:47

I think you are there to make the flat sellable on your money. Then when they inevitably do sell, you will see nowt.

As others have said, don’t spend any more, make your plans to leave and don’t tell anyone. Because sometimes those who are supposed to act in your best interests just don’t.

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