To ask her to sell and gift me some money?

[OnTheGoAlways]

I have posted quite a few times about a move into my Grandmother's flat and the utter turmoil it has thrown up. We have moved in, me and my 2 sons 8&12 (8yo has ASD, which has some relevance) and our beautiful dog. I have changed my working pattern to accommodate a 2 x 1 hour commute to the schools each day, 8yo cannot move due to additional needs and current provisions, this was my decision and also team around a child consensus. Eldest has a good group of friends and a beloved football team, I also don't want to move schools as I was never ever happy with this move. I work between commuting and in the evenings to compensate. I am so stretched and receive no family support.

Essentially, I spent £6.5k on my Grandmother's flat in a city to make it move-inable, it still needs plumbing. I pay her rent, more than I did at my previous home where I was for nearly 9 years until LL wanted to sell. My family encouraged me to move into the flat so I could pay my Nannas rent as she is now in sheltered housing and then some. Our previous home so perfect, we were in the countryside with gardens and a walk to school and so many places for me to walk our dog. My children were in the garden a lot.

The flat has come with caveats, Grandmother threatened to sell it just a few weeks ago after I'd just put new flooring in, she expects me to visit more although I have so much less time. One thing, she did say she would gift me £30k should the flat be sold whilst we were in residence, but then told me I wouldn't get that if I couldn't make it work. She then said this money was only if it were to benefit her.

We HATE the flat, my youngest has refused to come back 3 times and now wants to live with his Dad. I had a difficult childhood and it is doing nothing but throw up memories and I feel as though I've dragged my children into it. I feel awful, claustrophobic, helpless, lack of control, I can't function properly, I feel isolated, I've been signed off work after only just being promoted. I'm being physically sick some days.

AIBU to please ask her again if she could sell flat and let me have some money for a deposit? I would continue to pay rent and look after it until it was sold and be there for viewings etc. I have to get out, it just doesn't fit.

I remember your previous post. Everyone said you’d be crazy to move. I think you should move back.

Those people telling me to pay my own way etc, do you have a home of your own? I have worked very hard, got myself a masters degree and carved out a career whilst being on my own with 2 kids one of which is unable to go to school in a normal way and cannot attend wrap around care.

I know that is very woe me, I know, but no one could think less of me than I do of myself. The feeling that I have messed up so much is itchy, constantly there, it is awful.

My Grandmother wanted to add me to the will, I phoned around 3 solicitors as she was unsure who had her will, then when I found it spoke to two solicitors who arranged to come out and see her, arranged time off work to be there to let them in. I got a phone call from the solicitor the evening before the appointment to say my Grandmother had cancelled. Then my grandmother asked me to sign this piece of paper to say I'd get money. I didn't just make it up.

I know I'm taking up space here, my mum has told me I'm being ungrateful. None of this feels good at all and I want is to leave. There are no places to rent in our old village just now.

Your grandmother giving you extremely large sums of cash at this point could cause problems because it could be seen as trying to avoid paying for her own care.

as your landlord, she is supposed to be paying for repairs on the flat.

you probably have an argument for her reimbursing you for what you spent on necessary repairs, but you really shouldn’t count on a large gift that you likely wouldn’t be allowed to keep anyway.

You made the decision to move there. She doesn’t owe you anything for that.

Now you have to look at the decision of whether you move or not. If you do, you are responsible for the funds and where you move to.

If it was me, I wouldn’t be staying there. I would be returning to be close to school and living my life with my children (not grandmother) as my priority.

Sorry but YABU. You made these choices, nobody forced you into it and you expected too much from everyone for doing so.
Never, ever please others if it's at your own expense/ it costs you too much again, and not just in terms of finances

As your post is rather incoherent you must have got yourself in a state over this. You need to calm down and start working out what to do for the best for you and your DC now.

I’m with previous poster. You need to calm and see the benefits. You have a roof over your head whilst you look for a another home.

nonone can make you stay, no one can make you pay any more money on repairs.

Stop thinking about the problems and get moving towards a solution, which doesn’t include asking for or expecting £30k from an elderly relative no matter how unreasonable you find her or the flat she owns that you are renting and living in.

Why would you spend 6k on a property that you don't own eg new flooring plus rent ?

Start looking for a new property to rent with a garden. I would suggest widen your location search area. Make this your priority

Your Gran, can either sell or rent the property to someone else

You need to put yourself & your children first

I don’t have advice. I just want to say that you sound like you are in despair and my heart goes out to you. You’re not a bad person or an ‘idiot’; we all make a wrong move now and then especially when rushed. And sounds like you are a victim of unaffordable rents like so many others today sadly. Start making plans to move again; there will be a way.You can do it.

What is the total amount you have spent on maintenance of the flat to make it habitable - on items that should be the job of the landlord to carry out? Did you keep receipts? The rent you have paid towards the flat is simply your rent. Anywhere you live, you would have to pay rent. The amount you spent on making the flat habitable, I would think that should be the landlord's costs, though I don't know the legalities here. I am wondering if you would be able to recoup that (or some of it) from your grandmother with a solicitor's help. Those are rightly your grandmother's costs to pay - she is in sheltered housing now and is taken care of, but if she wants to rent her flat out, even to a family member, she has a moral (and likely legal) obligation to make it habitable. It is not the obligation of you and your children to essentially gift her your savings so that she does not have to dip into her own savings to make her flat habitable so she can rent it out.

You are not morally entitled to her 30K unless that is the amount you spent to make the flat legally habitable to rent to you. I am guessing you don't have a rental contract with her? That was probably a mistake (sorry).

Sometimes we get ourselves into bad situations through being overly kind, or doormats, or making decisions out of fear. What's done is done. But, moving forward, you need to put yourself and your children first. Your children, because that's your obligation as a mum. And yourself, because you are the only person who is going to put your children first. If you exhaust yourself, I don't think your parents or grandmother are going to generously step in to care for your kids. Their behavior in this situation is probably an example of how that would go. Going forward, be aware that they are likely going to undervalue your and your children's welfare in favor of their own and of your grandmother's. They may not even be aware of it, it could be totally subconscious.

So give yourself a few minutes to become calm and then start working through what you need to do to get yourself and the kids into a stable and sustainable situation, even if that means using legal means to ensure you are treated fairly (to the extent possible) in your rental of your grandmother's flat.

She won't give you the £30K, OP. Move on and make your own life.

It sounds like you would have been struggling with housing one way or another, and this sounds like you have more security than other options. It also sounds like your family would be no great loss if they stopped talking to you. Your grandma is making some money and you don't owe her anything more than fair rent.

Tell yourself this is temporary. You needed something until the right thing came up. Are you able to save anything after paying rent? If so, how long before you can realistically start looking elsewhere? Think of this flat as a short term bolt hole until you can find somewhere better. It's at least secure although far from ideal. If you need to, stop paying rent for a couple of months so that you have a deposit for somewhere new.

Time is obviously a problem, and you will have to manage that, but if you know this flat is just a holding place until something better comes along, you might be better able to cope with that pressure. What are the chances of being ready for the next move at the start of next year? Give yourself a time limit, don't expect anything from your family-none of them sound great- and plan ahead so that you're in control. You've achieved a lot on life, so you can do this.

Btw, if your grandma is in sheltered accommodation, is you living there a way for her to not pay herself? This sounds like a fiddle, with you being used as a pawn. Feel free to make decisions that work for you, not her.

Stop seeing her. Feign illness. Make a plan to get out. Good luck x

So basically you are laying your grandmothers care fees so that she doesn't have to sell up and pay them herself. This really doesn't sound fair. I would start looking in earnest for a rental elsewhere and not let the emotional blackmail stop you. It isn't your responsibility to help her avoid selling the flat to pay for her fees and this is an unfair amount of pressure tombe putting on a young mum. I have a feeling she is not going to sell and will do anything she can to keep you there - including emotional blackmail. Start looking hard. You will find something x

Stop telling them anything. Keep quiet and make a plan to get out of there. Your grandmother's care fees are not your problem. Your kids being settled is.

I am actually quite relieved to see some comments about distancing myself from my family...I have had this distinct feeling since we moved that I absolutely should do that. They constantly over promise and under deliver, my mum will go through short stages of offering help, maybe one night of having one boy as long as I provide dinner and breakfast, but then something happens, her bf not well, they need to spend time together or whatever it is then that's it.

My grandmother went through a long phase of telling me she was going to change her will to just me. That if I didn't go in the flat she would be ill.

Even my brother almost begged me to come and visit last week, I told the boys we were going, then at 9.30pm the night before he cancelled.

It has been a Real realisation, my people pleasing has done nothing but harm me and my children and we are now paying the costs.

The money offered to me was offered throughout, that is part of why I spent money of flooring, because I thought I'd get it back. It's not happening.

If your grandmother gives you £30k now, it will be regarded as deprivation of assets should she run out of money and the council need to take over her care.

That's not your problem if it happens, but it is probable that others will advise her not to give you this money for that reason, so the 'promise' would evaporate.

Oh OP. I posted on your last thread. Everyone warned you about doing this. It was obvious then it was not a good move for you, was unclear in terms of entitlements and was not going to be as nice as your existing lifestyle.

Firstly, reduce or stop the contact. You would be crazy to keep pandering to this manipulative wagon.

Secondly, have you receipts and evidence of the work carried out on the flat? Using these, ask for payment from your GM

Thirdly, go back to where you lived before, or as close as you can - look at what will make sense for you & DC and do your best to find something that works.

Finally, stop thinking they'll be better with their dad. They won't. You've made silly choices but bow you need to make better ones, fast, and forget this pipe dream of a flat being gifted. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!

You can do this - maybe use MN to record the steps you are taking to get back control.

I also just do not understand this set up or why you ever moved in the first place. But no I don’t think you have any right to demand money off your grandmother. You need to start making better decisions for your family.

I remember your previous threads.

Everyone told you that taking this flat was a bad idea. This is why.

You need to move and find somewhere more suitable for your children.

The problem that I can see is that people have made verbal promises to you, but there is nothing in a contract or writing

Only verbal promises of money

Do you even have a rental contract for where you are living now ?

I don't think that anyone is going to give you money. In that case,

Find somewhere else to live
Give notice that you are leaving
Leave & start a new life, where you prioritise yourself & your children

Your grandmother is a toxic, manipulative cow.

Move out. And distance yourself from your family too. They're not helpful.

Your grandmother can rent the flat to someone else to pay her fees if needed. I'd be hunting for a better fit close to where you used to live, just reducing the commute will make life so much easier.

It is sad but you can’t trust your family so stop telling them your business and do what you can to rent somewhere nearer to your old village.
Your other option was to allow yourself to be evicted from your old house so I agree try to think of this as a temporary move.

Could your children spend a few school nights with their Dad whilst you try to sort things out?

"They constantly over promise and under deliver"

I know it's hard to resist pressure from people like this, because in the moment they feel sincere. It's just that they don't follow through, for one reason or another (usually self-interested reasons, but you never know). And the thing is, because they FELT sincere about each offer, they also think you should trust and be grateful for each offer, even though the evidence shows they are unlikely to follow through.

But because of the above (they over promise and under deliver) you have to stop trusting their promises. That is why it was probably a mistake for you to do this:

"The money offered to me was offered throughout, that is part of why I spent money of flooring, because I thought I'd get it back. "

I get it, there's always the hope that THIS TIME they'll do what they said they would do. But based on the evidence, is there any evidence that you'll get it back? Or is the evidence all pointing at the likelihood that you'll never see a penny of that back?

You may also be experiencing a "sunk cost fallacy" here - you've already sunk your savings into the flat. If you back out now, when your grandmother is telling you that she'll put you in her will, or she'll give you 30K, if only, if only, you "make it work" (whatever that means). The whole point is to get you to sink your resources into the flat now, so that you'll always be beholden to whatever is promised for the future, in the hope that maybe, maybe, maybe, you'll recoup what you've already put in. And if you don't capitulate to the demands, you'll forever forfeit the money you've already put in. But notice how each promise is not kept, but instead replaced with a new promise. What are the chances the new promise will be kept?

I don't know if you can recoup what you have put into the flat. But you do need to make a promise to yourself to start being more clear-eyed about what will happen if you give up a little more money/freedom/welfare of your children, based on the promise that someday in the future she'll give it back to you. She's already canceled once on adding you to her will, which costs her nothing but a small solicitor's fee, nor subjects her to any risk.

How awful.
It really does sound like your whole family are using you.
And your DC, what are their Great Gran/Nan and uncle doing treating them as they are.
Please don't allow this to continue.

In reality the offers of money are just to keep you there and be a bank to pay for your Nan's accommodation fee's.

OP I'm not sure how old you are but for your sake and your DC's move away and start again.
Your loyalty lies with your DC and their future happiness.