Sexual comments around baby

[RK10]

Name change as this may be outing and I don't want it linked to other posts.

I have a very young baby, am not with her Dad. He's not very active in her life and has only seen her a few times since she was born. She can't be away from me yet as she's too young.

He recently came to see her. While he was holding her she sneezed. He commented "oh she just had one eight of an orgasm".

I asked him what he meant and he explained that's what a sneeze was... I was hmmm as it made me uncomfortable that he was relating an orgasm to our baby.

Later on she yawned and he poked his finger in her mouth and said "yawn rape"... I again asked him what he meant and he acted like I was odd for not having heard the term "yawn rape" before.

I told him I wasn't comfortable with him using those words around the baby. He said I'm unreasonable as she can't understand.

AIBU?

This.

Bad enough that he has these views - to use them on his own baby................

I'd do anything in my power so he never saw her again.

Jesus, that’s disgusting. Don’t facilitate any more contact, your instincts are there for a reason, trust them!

We were together a couple of years.

When we were together we would make jokey sexual remarks towards one another at times, and were quite playful (definitely not about rape or anything inappropriate like that!!!) He'd never given me any cause for concern.

It's his first child and I've never seen him around children before.

He's never changed her nappy without me there helping him.

His mind is not a wholesome or healthy place.

I would note these down at the very least. And probably call the NSPCC for advice.

What should I do, should I tell him this is why I'm stopping contact?

He's not been around much but I think he would take me to court to get on the BC.

Very odd comments to make. Is he one of those people who through nerves will say just completely inappropriate things, I mean meeting your own baby whom you have little contact I cant imagine and I suppose some people might end up drawn to saying odd things.

The yawn rape thing wasn't his making up though, I've heard it before from Russel Howard on one of his standup comedy gigs

I think though if there's any doubt this isn't just extreme nerves making him say stupid things, and him trying to defend it doesn't help that then absolutely I wouldn't feel comfortable. Maybe a message to make it clear it's completely inappropriate to make those comments especially in regards to a baby, that far from being funny it actually causes you concern that he's a paedophile, so stop it. If he is in anyone normal the thought that someone was viewing them in this way would snap them out of any defence and be horrified.

I wouldn’t let him be alone with her ever. This is so far from normal behaviour that it’s repulsive. Who the fuck talks about rape and orgasms in the context of their own baby? If you can totally cut contact then I would.

Hard to advise, but perhaps you could tell him that his comments around his daughter made you extremely uncomfortable and if he does or says anything remotely sexualised around her again, you will not be allowing contact.

In the meantime scale the visits back as much as you can, watch him like a hawk, don’t leave him alone with her, and at the first slip, whether it be in one day or six months, that’s it. You warned him, he showed he couldn’t change his behaviour for his daughter’s sake, he takes the consequence.

That "a sneeze is an eighth of an orgasm" thing is a myth so he'd be an idiot even if he wasn't saying it round a baby. Sounds like a very weird man

I will phone the NSPCC for advice.

My friend I've asked has just said that in her view he treated me as a sexual object during the relationship and it sounds like he's now projecting that onto our baby.

This. I'm also wondering what is wrong with you that you need to even ask about this?? Are you really unsure if this is vile and disturbing??

@Dilemma19 there is nothing wrong with me, but thanks for that.

I know it's wrong, I'm asking for support more than anything.

Have you never been in a relationship where a person twists things, manipulates and gaslights you?

Ex made out like I was the weirdo for finding it inappropriate. I'm trying to get my head straight.

Holy shit. How do you even have to ask?!?!?!? And how come you didn't kick him out of your house????

Repulsive and perverted. How can any normal person be holding a baby and have thoughts relating to orgasm and rape, it just wouldn't enter your head. The thought would make you feel sick. Utterly bizarre and not normal at all.

Totally and completely unacceptable end of.
I would block, move, not let him or anyone associated with him know where to.

Then l would send a Legal letter stating why you have blocked him, with evidence (if you can get him to repeat the words) and that you will repeatedly go to the Police should he try and contact you as he has been harassing you.

Should scare him off.

He sounds awful.

I'd be really concerned

YANBU. Even if he’s not a predator he’s an absolutely immature twat and not fit to be around a small baby.

Keep him well away from her, no unsupervised contact and no overnight stays. Notify social services if you get worried; they can help protect you both.

"Yawn Rape" is a TV show reference, you put your finger in and out of someone's mouth while they're yawning (no finger-mouth contact made). DH and I sometimes do this, now that we have kids it's been renamed Yawn Chicken and we occasionally do it to them as well.

I think the "sneeze is 1/8 of an orgasm" thing is a pretty old myth now.

I don't think his behaviour is appropriate, but I don't necessarily think he's a child predator either. He sounds like an edgy teenager and like he's trying to make you uncomfortable.

Cut contact immediately.

He's not a teenager, he's in his 30s.

What! Just what!?
What are those comments?
who talks like that?

YANBU.
I agree with the everyone else, go no contact.

Massive red flags. I wouldn't trust him. He's describing your baby in a sexual way and it could escalate.

I've told him again how uncomfortable it's made me and he's saying it's banter and that I've taken it wrongly.

I know she's a baby and doesn't understand but it wouldn't be okay for anyone to say to a little girl who'd sneezed "oh you've just had 1/8th of an orgasm".

The "yawn rape" thing I get is off a tv show (I think rape jokes are insensitive anyway) but even if I didn't think that, it's definitely not something to be saying around babies or children?

He hasn't seen her in weeks and out of all the things he could be saying or doing it's these "jokes" that pop into his mind.

Banter used to mean a bit of humorous chat didn't it, but it doesn't seem to be always seen like that.

indy article on bantz

The jokes your baby's father is making have a sinister element. He might just be a twat but I wouldn't take any risks.

Sorry for you and your DD for having this tosspot in your life.