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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it's possible to meet someone as a lone parent ?

88 replies

CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 11:38

Is it possible to date as a lone parent if you have no child care help from family? or babysitters? I would like to date again after being single for many years but my children are not old enough to be left alone for evenings and I'm with them full time. I get some free time whilst they are at school but that is the only time I get. Any success stories of lone parents meeting someone? Or do lone parents have to stay single till their children have grown up 😏(a long way to go) is it possible to meet someone as a lone parent?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 13/05/2023 20:13

If you do meet someone and your kids are very young then put them to bed and then spend evening with person your dating.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 13/05/2023 20:16

If I met someone who could not afford a babysitter I would not want to date them. It would indicate to me that they are looking for someone to bankroll them and if I wanted anything more than coffee or hanging out at their house, I'd have to pay for it. It's not a case of not liking someone, it's the implication that if you do, you are going to be financially supporting their social life.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:17

Hankunamatata · 13/05/2023 20:13

If you do meet someone and your kids are very young then put them to bed and then spend evening with person your dating.

To have men she has known only a couple of months in her children's home while the children are in bed? So inappropriate. Why would anybody do that? Just do some daytime/ weekend dates while kids are at clubs/ school/ with friends/ at parties or whatever and find some childcare for some evenings out sometimes as well. It's not that difficult. Lots of different ways to organise it have been suggested.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:19

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 13/05/2023 20:16

If I met someone who could not afford a babysitter I would not want to date them. It would indicate to me that they are looking for someone to bankroll them and if I wanted anything more than coffee or hanging out at their house, I'd have to pay for it. It's not a case of not liking someone, it's the implication that if you do, you are going to be financially supporting their social life.

That's fine but I'm not asking if you would im asking how other lone parents managed it

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:20

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:17

To have men she has known only a couple of months in her children's home while the children are in bed? So inappropriate. Why would anybody do that? Just do some daytime/ weekend dates while kids are at clubs/ school/ with friends/ at parties or whatever and find some childcare for some evenings out sometimes as well. It's not that difficult. Lots of different ways to organise it have been suggested.

Show quote history

I plan to do dates whilst they are at school until I've got to know people I don't think anyone means inviting strangers instantly to the house.

OP posts:
ladykale · 13/05/2023 20:20

Hankunamatata · 13/05/2023 20:13

If you do meet someone and your kids are very young then put them to bed and then spend evening with person your dating.

Don't think this is an issue if children are put to bed around 7pm presumably and sleep through until the morning.

It's not like the man will be allowed unaccompanied into the kids' room?! Put up cameras if it's a concern

lostat · 13/05/2023 20:20

To have men she has known only a couple of months in her children's home while the children are in bed? So inappropriate. Why would anybody do that? Just do some daytime/ weekend dates while kids are at clubs/ school/ with friends/ at parties or whatever and find some childcare for some evenings out sometimes as well. It's not that difficult. Lots of different ways to organise it have been suggested.

After months? Surely this would be alright.

ladykale · 13/05/2023 20:21

@CadburyDream don't you work though or expect the man you date to hopefully have a job?! How is anyone free for dates during school hours?

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:21

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 13/05/2023 20:16

If I met someone who could not afford a babysitter I would not want to date them. It would indicate to me that they are looking for someone to bankroll them and if I wanted anything more than coffee or hanging out at their house, I'd have to pay for it. It's not a case of not liking someone, it's the implication that if you do, you are going to be financially supporting their social life.

This is also a good point. How would someone even afford to go on dates like out for dinner regularly or days out etc if they can't afford a babysitter from time to time? And if someone is in such a dire financial situation surely fixing that should be a higher priority than dating.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/05/2023 20:22

All these suggestions to date while the children are at school?! Are we assuming the OP is unemployed and hoping to date an unemployed man?

I don't think you're being negative OP, it genuinely is difficult. Actually do you work? A lot of people meet their partners at work and that way you could get to know them in a child free zone.

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 13/05/2023 20:23

CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:19

That's fine but I'm not asking if you would im asking how other lone parents managed it

Show quote history

I am a single parent. I pay my way. If I wanted to go out, I'd find a babysitter. If I can't afford a babysitter, I can't afford to go out. It would be deeply unattractive if a man wanted me to go round for spag bol and Coronation Street because they couldn't ever afford to go out unless I paid for everything. I'm not talking "out out" - even a couple of drinks or a pizza or the cinema.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:23

That's fine but I'm not asking if you would im asking how other lone parents managed it

I am a lone parent. I have been since my children were babies. I have no family help.

I have no interest in dating but if I did this is how I would manage it. That is why I am making these suggestions to you. Because this is how I manage to do other things, like go out regularly with my friends for dinner, even have the odd night away with friends.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:23

I work PT i will have some time free ive been advised to date men who don't work traditional 9-5 hours

OP posts:
PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:25

I plan to do dates whilst they are at school until I've got to know people I don't think anyone means inviting strangers instantly to the house.

It takes a long time to get to know a man enough that you should be inviting him to your house with your children present. Certainly far more than a couple of months, whether they are asleep or not. There is no need to take such risks.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:26

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:25

I plan to do dates whilst they are at school until I've got to know people I don't think anyone means inviting strangers instantly to the house.

It takes a long time to get to know a man enough that you should be inviting him to your house with your children present. Certainly far more than a couple of months, whether they are asleep or not. There is no need to take such risks.

That's a personal opinion but I don't personally agree with MN 2 years to introduce someone advice and don't know anyone irl who has waited even half that time

OP posts:
PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:27

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/05/2023 20:22

All these suggestions to date while the children are at school?! Are we assuming the OP is unemployed and hoping to date an unemployed man?

I don't think you're being negative OP, it genuinely is difficult. Actually do you work? A lot of people meet their partners at work and that way you could get to know them in a child free zone.

Some people work shifts or compressed hours or work from home and have lunch breaks etc etc. Other suggestions were that at weekends most kids see friends or have clubs or sports or go to sleepovers or parties or other activities. And babysitters can be found for evenings. It isn't rocket science.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:29

I am a single parent. I pay my way. If I wanted to go out, I'd find a babysitter. If I can't afford a babysitter, I can't afford to go out. It would be deeply unattractive if a man wanted me to go round for spag bol and Coronation Street because they couldn't ever afford to go out unless I paid for everything. I'm not talking "out out" - even a couple of drinks or a pizza or the cinema.

Exactly. What kind of date is that? 😆 Aside from the risks. How can you date it you can't afford to do anything with anybody? The focus then would be on fixing your financial situation first, surely, then looking at dating once your life is more stable.

Bexx87 · 13/05/2023 20:29

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PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:29

CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:23

I work PT i will have some time free ive been advised to date men who don't work traditional 9-5 hours

Advised by whom? Why? 🤣

And even if you did, many now work from home so have breaks and flexibility in their schedules.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:30

That's a personal opinion but I don't personally agree with MN 2 years to introduce someone advice and don't know anyone irl who has waited even half that time

Hence so many damaged children with a procession of "boyfriends" in and out of their home. Not something to aspire to.

Ontheperiphery79 · 13/05/2023 20:36

I know you only asked for 'success' stories, OP, but having been single for 5-ish years as well, and having KS1 aged DC, with their Father the other side of the country and no family to speak of, I have not found myself able to date.
I just can't afford to date, as too little money coming in to justify it.
I've just worked on building friendships and a support network of sorts, I guess.
And, I don't know whether this will always be the case, but I'm pretty happy being single, celibate and just me, DC and the cats!

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:36

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PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:49

lostat · 13/05/2023 20:20

To have men she has known only a couple of months in her children's home while the children are in bed? So inappropriate. Why would anybody do that? Just do some daytime/ weekend dates while kids are at clubs/ school/ with friends/ at parties or whatever and find some childcare for some evenings out sometimes as well. It's not that difficult. Lots of different ways to organise it have been suggested.

After months? Surely this would be alright.

Two months is 8 weeks. If you are a lone parent you're most likely not seeing someone more than one or twice a week at most, especially in the early stages of dating. Spending an hour or two with them each time. So you barely know them two months in. This is obvious? You've spent a matter of hours with them, you are barely scratching the surface, they are still presenting their "best self", you really still have no idea who they are (if they were a stranger before that not a long-established friend who you later started to date which is different obviously, but in terms of people met on OLD etc), after two months of course it's way too soon to have them anywhere near your children. You really still have no idea who they are.

Zanatdy · 13/05/2023 21:03

I recently dated a single dad with 100% custody. His parents soon got fed up babysitting, didn’t work out. For me I didn’t date for 12yrs as no family nearby to babysit and I never plan to blend any families so I waited

SocialLite · 13/05/2023 21:36

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/05/2023 20:22

All these suggestions to date while the children are at school?! Are we assuming the OP is unemployed and hoping to date an unemployed man?

I don't think you're being negative OP, it genuinely is difficult. Actually do you work? A lot of people meet their partners at work and that way you could get to know them in a child free zone.

Why does everyone seem to assume that free in the daytime is either impossible or equals unemployed?

Have you never heard of shift-work, self employed, work from home, off shore workers... The list goes on!!!

I'm astonished that people are so small minded.

OP, I met a wonderful man who runs his own business and can pick his hours- often working overnight. We spent daytimes together when all our children were at school, then after a while we started to go to each others houses after bedtime before slowly introducing each other to the others children, then the children to each other.

I did a fair amount of background checking - including legal and people he knew, as well as opinions of my own friends and family - before introducing him. Even though it was quite fast by MN terms, we hadn't just had a two hour date over a week, we spent lots of time together in daytimes so it was probably about 6-8 months worth of "normal" dating when we introduced each other to children.