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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it's possible to meet someone as a lone parent ?

88 replies

CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 11:38

Is it possible to date as a lone parent if you have no child care help from family? or babysitters? I would like to date again after being single for many years but my children are not old enough to be left alone for evenings and I'm with them full time. I get some free time whilst they are at school but that is the only time I get. Any success stories of lone parents meeting someone? Or do lone parents have to stay single till their children have grown up 😏(a long way to go) is it possible to meet someone as a lone parent?

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 19:29

Well I’m not going to lie and pretend they have play dates when they don’t?? I asked for success stories that’s all…

OP posts:
Bexx87 · 13/05/2023 19:32

Yes, I did. Went on to get married and have more kids. We met for coffee when kids were in school and he came round for dinner while they were in bed. Some people aren't bothered about going on nights out. When they meet the right person for them, they just want to be with them and they're happy.

MintJulia · 13/05/2023 19:32

I dated a single dad for a couple of years but his dd reached 17 and 'fledged' and then he told me he wanted to travel so either I 'got rid' of ds who was 8 at the time, or he couldn't see how we could continue.

I declined his 'kind offer' 🙄and dumped him.

I haven't bothered since but ds is 14.5 now and I'm just starting to think about it again.

I hope you have more success OP.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 19:33

Bexx87 · 13/05/2023 19:32

Yes, I did. Went on to get married and have more kids. We met for coffee when kids were in school and he came round for dinner while they were in bed. Some people aren't bothered about going on nights out. When they meet the right person for them, they just want to be with them and they're happy.

This is the kind of thing I was hoping to hear thanks its given me hope!

OP posts:
Badbudgeter · 13/05/2023 19:35

I can’t afford to date either my youngest is 8. I reckon when they start going to high school, everyone can be safely left whilst I take up a hobby/ do an evening class/ date.

I can’t imagine remarrying or having someone live with us. I bc don’t plan on getting seriously involved till Dc are 18+

Sanch1 · 13/05/2023 19:42

My now DH used to come over to mine for dinner once the children were in bed and asleep. Once we wed got to know each other meeting for coffee /lunch while they were at school/nursery.

Bexx87 · 13/05/2023 19:44

I probably did introduce him too soon to the kids as I wouldn't normally do that, but it worked out well. He never had kids before we met and it was a lot for him to take on as I already had 3 kids at that point, but it was what he wanted and he knew that I came as a package. I had been on proper dates before with other guys, but this time it felt different and we just wanted to be together, so having him round while the kids were asleep, felt natural.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/05/2023 19:45

I wonder if the first step might be widening your social network - you sound quite isolated generally, having a support system around you might make it easier to look for a partner relationship but would be worthwhile in its own right.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 19:46

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/05/2023 19:45

I wonder if the first step might be widening your social network - you sound quite isolated generally, having a support system around you might make it easier to look for a partner relationship but would be worthwhile in its own right.

Thanks but not the case I do have friends they are just not needing babysitting swaps kids see their fathers so its hard they don't have their kids on weekends

OP posts:
Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 19:47

This is good to hear there a men out there that won't be put off

OP posts:
PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 19:48

OP there was a thread almost exactly like this a week or so ago. Was it you? Exact same thing, rejecting every suggestion that people made about dating while the children are at clubs/ activities/ with friends/ various different ways to organise babysitters or find childminders or nannies who can cover evenings out.

Ultimately if you reject pursuing every possible avenue to find a way to make it work then no, it won't work. 🤷🏻‍♀️

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 19:51

Bexx87 · 13/05/2023 19:32

Yes, I did. Went on to get married and have more kids. We met for coffee when kids were in school and he came round for dinner while they were in bed. Some people aren't bothered about going on nights out. When they meet the right person for them, they just want to be with them and they're happy.

Lots of people don't want to invite men they haven't known very long into their children's home though, asleep or not! And rightly so. It's not necessary. You just need to get a babysitter OP or make friends with more mums in a similar situation and help each other. As was suggested on the other thread.

OutDamnedSpot · 13/05/2023 19:52

Could you change your mindset on this?

My kids don’t have play dates or sleepovers… yet.

I don’t know any teenagers who might be able to babysit… yet.

I don’t talk to other people on the school run… yet.

If you can work on getting more trusted people into your life first, then you’ll put yourself in a better place for dating.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 19:54

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 19:48

OP there was a thread almost exactly like this a week or so ago. Was it you? Exact same thing, rejecting every suggestion that people made about dating while the children are at clubs/ activities/ with friends/ various different ways to organise babysitters or find childminders or nannies who can cover evenings out.

Ultimately if you reject pursuing every possible avenue to find a way to make it work then no, it won't work. 🤷🏻‍♀️

No and I'm not rejecting anything. I have asked for success stories and I'm going to go with those who have suggested day time dates them when I'm more comfortable them coming over in the evenings I was asking if anyone has been in this situation and this seems like the best option for me.

OP posts:
PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 19:56

I agree with @OutDamnedSpot .

A very negative attitude to anything which probably means you're not in a healthy place to start a relationship anyway.

Focus on yourself and your children first and establish a happy life as a single person before you consider dating. Focus on career and friends and then when you are ready to date organising childcare won't be difficult, and you won't be tempted to do something risky like inviting a man you've only known a matter of months into your children's home while they are there. There really is no need.

amy85 · 13/05/2023 19:57

Without using a babysitter then it's highly unlikely until your kids are older.

I've been single 6 years because my ex doesn't regularly have the kids and have no spare childcare (family helped loads already so I could work and couldn't afford to pay a babysitter)...now my kids are getting older I can start think about dating again

JMSA · 13/05/2023 19:59

Join a FB group for the area in which you live. Ask if anyone has a teenager willing to do babysitting jobs.

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:00

Ok then so just get to know more people locally, find a teenager who will babysit who is a friend's child, or date while your children are at sleepovers with their friends, or contact local nurseries and ask them if anybody takes on evening work (lots do and all trained and DBS checked obviously) or use a nanny agency or childcare.co.uk or one of the facebook groups where nannies advertise, and combine some evenings out with some daytime dates.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:00

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 19:56

I agree with @OutDamnedSpot .

A very negative attitude to anything which probably means you're not in a healthy place to start a relationship anyway.

Focus on yourself and your children first and establish a happy life as a single person before you consider dating. Focus on career and friends and then when you are ready to date organising childcare won't be difficult, and you won't be tempted to do something risky like inviting a man you've only known a matter of months into your children's home while they are there. There really is no need.

Thats pretty negative as well. I don't want to go into too much detail about why certain things can't work as I find MN generally quite judgemental which is why I'm being careful how much info I give but certain things aren't possible. Just hoping to hear some success stories that's all.

OP posts:
PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:03

How is it negative to say that you are likely to have a much healthier relationship if you make sure you are happy with your own life first? Otherwise you will attract awful people or end up in a co-dependent relationship. Any therapist will tell you this.

Namechange224422 · 13/05/2023 20:05

In your position I would find some sibling groups who are in your kids classes and who they like. Then I’d invite them over for play dates. Invite all of the kids in the family for a morning plus lunch. Or after school plus dinner. Do it a few times for each group and you’ll soon get invited back.

Once you’ve done a few shorter swaps start mixing it up, inviting for full days in the holidays or sleepovers sometimes.

Once that’s in place and you know the other parents do a few favours like having them on td days when the other parents are working etc.

If you meet someone for coffee and really like them ask one of the families to have them for a sleepover so that you can go on a longer date.

Original poster
CadburyDream · 13/05/2023 20:06

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:03

How is it negative to say that you are likely to have a much healthier relationship if you make sure you are happy with your own life first? Otherwise you will attract awful people or end up in a co-dependent relationship. Any therapist will tell you this.

I was referring to the bringing men you've known a couple of months to your house, I'm not following the MN mantra of waiting 2 years to introduce someone. I do have friends babysitting swaps just aren't an option with them and I'm perfectly happy I would just like to meet someone which is very much normal.

OP posts:
ulcers · 13/05/2023 20:10

Would a friend baby sit for you?

Hankunamatata · 13/05/2023 20:11

My friend met other single parents online in a local support group that was mainly online. They also met up every couple of weeks with then kids. Friend met other single parents and built friendships. Shen its good as they are all mainly same situation with little input from other parent so at least she has people to hang with. Then building to swapping babysitting and sleepovers

PolkadotZebrasAndStripyGiraffes · 13/05/2023 20:11

But you can make more friends who would be in a position to do that.

And no, it's absolutely not normal to bring a man you've only known for a few months into your children's home, even when they are asleep. Hmm

If the point of your post was not for people to actually give you advice on how to date in a healthy and safe way without putting your children at risk and likely introduce them to a series of men you barely know, but rather to only hear from people who've taken such risks and happen to have been lucky that it worked out so that you feel better about deciding to do so rather than make the effort to arrange childcare, then there's no point anybody sensible trying to help you.