To feel sad that my family isn't staying with me for longer

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

My husband, kids and I live overseas, the rest of my family live in the UK. My sister, BIL and niece are coming to visit for a 2.5 week trip but only staying with us for a week. We rarely see them due to the distance and great cost of flights. The last time they were here was 4 yrs ago.

They will be with friends/doing their own thing for the rest of the trip, just a few hrs away from where we live. My son's b'day is also during that time, they have never been with us for any of my kids' bdays so I had hoped they would make an effort to be here for his bday. But my sister didn't even seem to remember that it was his bday, and when I mentioned it she never said anything about being sorry to miss it. They never sent a gift for my other son's last b'day either. I've never really felt they've taken much interest in our kids.

I guess I'm just hurt that they wouldn't want to spend more time with us? I wouldn't want them to not see their friends or do their own thing, but to be gone more than they are with us is getting to me.

I will also be 35 weeks pregnant while they are here, and my sister gave me a guilt trip about using one of our vehicles while they are here. While I think we can make it work, it's not the most convenient to give someone else a vehicle for 2.5 weeks, especially as I will be far along on my pregnancy. Only for them to take the vehicle and not bother to spend time with us.

My husband says I'm probably overreacting because I'm pregnant and emotional and that this is their trip and they should spend it however they like. I do agree, it's just previous trips they have been here it's been the same, just rushing around doing recreational activities while I feel like an afterthought.

We live in an area where there are a lot of outdoor recreational options, and all of their visits have occurred while I've either been pregnant or newly postpartum, so I haven't felt up to much. Which I understand they won't want to sit inside all day long, but I've felt like my sister and her husband are more interested in doing all the fun things and not spending time with us. Basically just using us to enjoy the location really. One time they were visiting and I wanted to tell my sister that I was expecting. She was with her then boyfriend (now husband) for every minute of the trip. So much so that I didn't even have a single moment just the two of us. I literally had to pull her into the toilet with me so I could break the news. Of course I don't expect her not to spend time with him, just that she might want to have a little time with her sister?

Idk, am I just being bitter? We were always so close as kids that it's just hard now. I feel like we are growing apart.

I think it's normal to not be as close as adults as you were as kids.

I also think a 2.5 week holiday is a lot of annual leave for them, it makes sense to split it between seeing you for a week and spending it doing activities / seeing other people too. Seeing you all 4 years ago was pre covid I assume? You've mentioned the great cost of flights too, if it's an expensive holiday for them to stump up for its kind of making sense they'd want to maximise the bang for their buck by doing lots of activities too.

The DC birthday thing is hit and miss, honestly I wouldn't prioritise spending a birthday on holiday with my SIL for my nephew if I was with them the week before, I'd probably assume they wanted the birthday to be a family thing too.

The car borrowing is slightly CF territory in my eyes, I wouldn't be above telling them it didn't work for them to have a car for the entire time, especially if you're worried you'll need it around the end of your pregnancy.

This is a reasonable response. I am her sister not her SIL. I just thought she'd want to here for her nephews bday but I guess not everyone puts the same importance on bdays.

We do have 2 other cars, but my husband may need his for work and we also have other people visiting that we promised a vehicle to first. Potentially leaving me without a car. I don't anticipate an emergency but you never know.

@rainraingoawaay

@rainraingoawaay

My sister told me her daughter can't possibly handle the drive to and from the rental place (close to 4 hr round trip, but the nature of where we live means that anything you do involves long drives. And they are doing plenty of other driving for recreational purposes) and that the cost of the rental would be more than their flights (not true, I looked it up, but it would be $400.)

I can definitely see that it would be a big inconvenience and cost for them to rent a car. Maybe I wouldn't resent it so much if they weren't going off without us? Not sure.

Most people would feel like a week staying in someone’s home is generally long enough in such close quarters for all involved.

I agree that week sounds like a good amount of time to spend with you and your family. I wouldn't be upset if they also wanted to visit their friends and do their own thing (I am assuming they also don't see their friends that often).

I don't think it's unreasonable to spend a week with you and some of their leave doing holiday things. Missing your child's birthday isn't ideal and I think I would be a bit upset about it (but get over it quickly). The car thing is very unreasonable imo. You go abroad, you hire your own car.

YABU. Your DSis is spending a week with you. She's also using up precious annual leave I assume? This is a holiday as much as a visit to see you by the sounds of it, but that isn't a bad thing. I would be happy that my sister made the effort to visit!

Ultimately, you did make the choice to move to another country for whatever reason and that comes with consequences. One of those consequences often being that your relationships with friends and family back home will not be as close. It doesn't mean you made the wrong choice but it is a choice.

I understand totally, and I'm not trying to be mean but it sounds like you've moved to somewhere quite inaccessible for your family (long flights, four hour drives to get a rental car etc)

I still think it's quite CF of them to just expect a car provided, but your update on the journey to collect a rental car makes me think it's more cheeky than full on CF territory. And I'm not sure it's comparable to driving longer for a leisure activity, I'd drive a while to do something exciting (with frequent rest stops etc!) but not to do something mundane like collect a rental car when there's perhaps an alternative.

I think that sounds about right, maybe you could suggest they split their time with you a little, for example, 5 days at the beginning of the holiday and 2 days at the end . Might actually feel like you are having more time with them if it is spread out. But yep I don't think it's unreasonable. If the car is bothering you then just say no and that it doesn't work for you.

YABU about the staying for longer but they are being massive CF’s with the car.

Hmm, it does sound like people think I'm being unreasonable. My sister is a SAHM but her husband is using up annual leave.

@Curseofthenation

Yes, where we live is very inaccessible unfortunately!

@Tinkeytonkoldfruit

They are doing that actually which is very nice.

I think if they were just coming here for a week and doing nothing else I wouldn't gripe about it so I probably shouldn't complain about them visiting their friends.

Think it's maybe that it's the same amount of time with friends as family whereas I think family should be prioritized. But it's not my choice. I think I'm still bitter about other trips where we felt a bit like a B&B really.

In the kindest possible way OP, I think you are being a bit unreasonable, most likely because you're hormonal. You live in different countries, do you and your sister FaceTime every day, or maybe just once a week or maybe even once a month? If the later is the case, she's obviously had to get used to not having you in her life as much as when you were kids, and now she has a partner and child, so her priorities have changed. Perhaps you should try putting yourself in their shoes, when you come back to the UK, if you do, do you spend the whole time with your sister, or do you visit old friends and other family members? We moved to a different part of the UK, some 4 hours from family and friends a while back, and now when we go 'home', while we'd love to spend all our time with family, we also feel we want to spend time catching up with friends. The fact that your sister doesn't live in your country, also means that she and her little family probably want to explore, as well as catching up with everyone, and it all has to be done in 2 1/2 weeks. Also, don't you think it possible that they might get on your nerves after more than a week? They do say that guests who stay for more than 3 days have a tendency to get on your nerves, but perhaps you get on theirs too?

As for borrowing a car for the whole time, I'm afraid I would say no to that, as although you think it unlikely you'll need a car, it's sods law that something will go wrong and you won't have one when you need it, so give yourself peace of mind, and tell them they can use one of your cars while they're with you, but they'll have to rent a car for the remainder of their trip, as you really can't be without.

Nobody cares about other people's birthdays. People care about their SO's, their children's, and their own. For everyone else a birthday card/phone call is a nice gesture. A text is a reasonable acknowledgement.

Rearranging a holiday to accommodate a birthday is very unreasonable. Maybe if it was a milestone birthday, 21st, 40th, 60th, etc. Not first, that's for the parents. Also, nothing stopping you from having a birthday celebration while they are there, then something on the actual day.

@rainraingoawaay

I know it's not convenient about the car. But it's also very inconvenient for me. It means I either have to join our other guests for all their activities (which I don't think I'll be up to doing at 35 weeks pregnant) or I have to be without a car.

It also means our other guests might have to have me and my 2 kids tagging along or come with me to my antenatal checks or be stuck at home. Meanwhile my sister is just a couple hours away with my husband's car.

I can't use the third vehicle because I can't safely put my kids in it and that one is for my husband to use if he has to. But it isn't in the best shape/not totally reliable. It's a backup vehicle for short runs around town. My husband's office is 40 mins away but he can usually work from home.

@ThatFraggle

Fair. I think I'm a lot more invested in birthdays than my sister is. It would involve them coming back a few hrs earlier as they were due to get back to our house that day anyway.

@Treesoutsidemywindow

We probably talk once every 2 weeks. So maybe you're right.

It's true when we go over there we don't stay with them for the whole time as I have 4 other siblings and lots of extended family to visit.

We are their only family here but maybe they see their friends as close to family.

I have been very emotional, so maybe that's it .

I certainly don't have a claim to my sister's vacation time. I think it's just getting to me that they will be with their friends just as much as us and I thought they'd just see their friends for a few days I suppose?

We only see them about once every 2 years so our time together is few and far between.

We do live in a place that has lots to do and explore and I certainly wouldn't expect them to sit inside all day just because I'll be big and pregnant.

i live in a different country than all my siblings, and when I’m in the same country as them I don’t spend more than a few days with them. I get on fine with them, but they have their own lives and I’d feel awkward spending more than a few days with them. I like my own space. Maybe your sister is the same?

with regards to your kids birthdays - I have a multitude of nephews and nieces and have no idea when any of their birthdays are. I’ve never sent them presents either. It’s not that unusual, though I do understand that you will only see it from your viewpoint and their birthdays are of course important to you. They are just probably of less importance to more removed family members who have their own closer families to think of.

I live in a different country from my sister and completely understand that there will be times when they visit that they might want to travel somewhere else or catch up with people I don't really know but who they are close to. As long as we get some time together while they visit and make the most of it it, I'm happy enough with that.

Australia I'm guessing?

Imagine using 3 weeks leave and paying thousands of pounds just to go to your sisters house. The birthday is irrelevant, can't you celebrate when they get back to yours? You should lend them the car too, I don't think she's a CF, you've got 3 and your husband can WFH.

They've visited you before too, it's a massive ask. My cousin expects people to want to stay at hers the whole time. Sod that.

With six siblings presumably all with their own kids I can totally understand not doing niece/nephew birthdays. You'd never be done writing cards and sending gifts.

@PrestonHood121

You're right. I'll just enjoy and make the most of the time meeting my niece, who I have never seen before :)

@HellonHeels

Just my 2 kids and my sister's one.

@CoronationKicking northwestern US.

I would never ask them to come out here. We go there as well. They want to come because it's a fun destination.

My husband sometimes has to go in to his office and sometimes doesn't know when until the day of. That's why the car situation is difficult. Plus I have other guests here and antenatal appts. So it's not just as easy as giving them our car.