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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel sad that my family isn't staying with me for longer

60 replies

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 20:12

My husband, kids and I live overseas, the rest of my family live in the UK. My sister, BIL and niece are coming to visit for a 2.5 week trip but only staying with us for a week. We rarely see them due to the distance and great cost of flights. The last time they were here was 4 yrs ago.

They will be with friends/doing their own thing for the rest of the trip, just a few hrs away from where we live. My son's b'day is also during that time, they have never been with us for any of my kids' bdays so I had hoped they would make an effort to be here for his bday. But my sister didn't even seem to remember that it was his bday, and when I mentioned it she never said anything about being sorry to miss it. They never sent a gift for my other son's last b'day either. I've never really felt they've taken much interest in our kids.

I guess I'm just hurt that they wouldn't want to spend more time with us? I wouldn't want them to not see their friends or do their own thing, but to be gone more than they are with us is getting to me.

I will also be 35 weeks pregnant while they are here, and my sister gave me a guilt trip about using one of our vehicles while they are here. While I think we can make it work, it's not the most convenient to give someone else a vehicle for 2.5 weeks, especially as I will be far along on my pregnancy. Only for them to take the vehicle and not bother to spend time with us.

My husband says I'm probably overreacting because I'm pregnant and emotional and that this is their trip and they should spend it however they like. I do agree, it's just previous trips they have been here it's been the same, just rushing around doing recreational activities while I feel like an afterthought.

We live in an area where there are a lot of outdoor recreational options, and all of their visits have occurred while I've either been pregnant or newly postpartum, so I haven't felt up to much. Which I understand they won't want to sit inside all day long, but I've felt like my sister and her husband are more interested in doing all the fun things and not spending time with us. Basically just using us to enjoy the location really. One time they were visiting and I wanted to tell my sister that I was expecting. She was with her then boyfriend (now husband) for every minute of the trip. So much so that I didn't even have a single moment just the two of us. I literally had to pull her into the toilet with me so I could break the news. Of course I don't expect her not to spend time with him, just that she might want to have a little time with her sister?

Idk, am I just being bitter? We were always so close as kids that it's just hard now. I feel like we are growing apart.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 21:31

@whirlyhead

I have 3 nieces and I definitely care about their bdays. Maybe it's just different mentalities though as I don't really do anything for my adult siblings for their bdays. I just love kids' bdays I guess I think they are so special but appreciate not everyone feels the same.

OP posts:
Oubliette86 · 11/05/2023 21:44

Who are the other guests? Are they staying with you?

Maddy70 · 11/05/2023 21:47

A week is a loooonnnnngggtinw with family visiting.

I also live abroad my brother has never been to see us. So think yourself lucky a whole week is honestly a long time to be under each others feet etc

They want a holiday as well as seeing you. It's definitely your hormones right now

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 21:48

@Oubliette86

My cousin and her husband. They will be staying with us while my sister and her family are visiting their friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 21:49

@Maddy70

I think you're right. Just need to be thankful they are spending time and money to see us at all :)

OP posts:
Ragwort · 11/05/2023 21:52

I do think your expectations around your DS's visit are quite high -- you've already got other guests staying so in one sense you are not 'prioritising' their visit. We visit close family in the US and to be brutally honest we want to maximise every minute of the day .. not just sit around having 'family time' .. we've travelled a long way, used AL, spent a lot of money and getting up for a lazy brunch at 11am is not how we want to spend our time.

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 22:04

@Ragwort yea I get that. The other guests booked before my sister did or I wouldn't have double booked.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 22:06

@Ragwort

I do want them to get the most out of their trip and they are more of go getters than we are. Plus it's their trip so their choice.

OP posts:
Kitkatfiend31 · 11/05/2023 22:08

YABU having been in your sisters situation it can be a lot of pressure to provide all the family time you want. They are no doubt spending a significant amount to travel to you and want to enjoy holiday time as their family too. A week is a long time to spend in someone else's home.

JadedTeal · 11/05/2023 22:54

The other guests you are having at the same time as your sister, are they family?

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 22:55

@Kitkatfiend31 You're right, I need to try and see it from their perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 11/05/2023 22:56

@JadedTeal

They are our first cousin and her husband. Also my sister's cousin.

OP posts:
WhiteBloatus · 11/05/2023 23:17

Sissynova · 11/05/2023 20:38

Most people would feel like a week staying in someone’s home is generally long enough in such close quarters for all involved.

This. Even with my sibling who I’m very close to I wouldn’t stay longer than this. Wouldn’t want to inconvenience them and/or outstay our welcome.
also siblings sometimes forget nephew/nice birthdays, is one of those things some people are better then others at remembering.
Think you’re reading too much into these things. I think it’s lovely they are all coming to see you for a whole week, enjoy!

AngryBirdsNoMore · 11/05/2023 23:25

I think the other guests changes the situation. I wouldn’t want to stay with a family member if there were also other guests staying there at the same time. That would be a barrier to the intimacy which you’ve said you crave, surely?

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/05/2023 00:02

@AngryBirdsNoMore

Since it's a mutual cousin I wasn't thinking it would change the situation much but I understand if my sister doesn't feel the same. But I am glad we have a week with just them :)

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/05/2023 00:03

@WhiteBloatus

I didn't think about it this way. Maybe she's worried about staying for too long since I will be heavily pregnant at the time. And I definitely don't want to fall out with them if we're 'on top of each other's.

I guess I just need to let go of the past, this sister and I always shared a room and were so close. But life moves on and those days are gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/05/2023 00:05

I'm glad I posted this as it's made me reframe my thoughts. Need to be more appreciative of all the money and time they are taking to come here and make the most of every second with them!

OP posts:
afrikat · 12/05/2023 00:11

I think it's nice they are staying with you. My brother and SIL are coming across from the USA next month and are staying elsewhere in the country. We can go visit them 'if we want'. They have an open invitation to stay with us but have chosen not to. It makes me very sad. My daughter actually has her birthday whilst they are here and they couldn't care less

Original poster
HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 12/05/2023 00:24

@afrikat I'm sorry! That's so disappointing

OP posts:
lilacbunny · 12/05/2023 07:08

Tbh I don't think you are being unreasonable.

When I moved down south, nobody came to visit me. Even when they came to watch football matches etc wouldn't even tell me. I felt very hurt and rejected as I lived in central London and thought when they come they would have loved to visit and maybe use my place as a base.

Even when I moved back, nobody has been interested.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. She's happy to use your car and home. Maybe she should have just got a packaged deal at a hotel.

Frogggie · 12/05/2023 07:26

Why not lend one of the guests the third, less reliable car and keep the reliable car that you’re able to drive? If they aren’t happy with that then they can get a rental. You have a legitimate reason to need access to a car.
Possibly lend the less reliable one to the cousin who is staying with you, or alternate which car they’re using based on circumstances eg if you have an appointment one day they will leave the car you are able to drive etc.

Testina · 12/05/2023 07:31

I can’t get over the fact you chose to tell your sister you were pregnant in a toilet, instead of just in front of her husband!

GeekyThings · 12/05/2023 07:36

Going against the grain here but YANBU - you live in a place that they want to visit, and they're using your house as a free hotel and your car as a free rental. That's not on, we have similar in my family, and I would never treat their homes like that, nor would I ask to borrow their cars!! That's beyond CF, that's ridiculous.

Tell her you've worked out the logistics and unfortunately they'll have to rent a car when they visit as they're going to be out so much and you need your car - they can book a fly drive, there are rentals at every single airport I've ever been to, they don't need to travel 4 hours to go and get one. Jeez, pull the other one, why don't they!

Sadly I think it's too late for you to do anything about them using your house as a hotel this time. That's actually a tough one to get around, unless you tell them they need to stay at a hotel the next time they come, or limit their visit to a week. Plus it may mean that they never come to see you again because it sounds like they're just using you anyway. I personally would prefer to have that in plain writing in front of me, but if you want to keep the illusion going then I can understand you not wanting to do that.

But the car should be non negotiable, that's patently ridiculous!

Winter2020 · 12/05/2023 07:42

Hi OP,
Can't they pick up a car rental from the airport when they arrive?

If they do have to do a 4 hour round trip to get a car wouldn't their daughter stay with you - perhaps your husband would take just the BIL? Or could they have a day out over nearer the rental business so the driving is broken up.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 12/05/2023 07:47

I’d keep the car since you are so heavily pregnant and let them borrow the unreliable one.

I think you can feel a bit unloved if you move far away. I know one of my siblings has felt like this - you just have to give yourself a bit of a talking to, it was YOU who moved away not your family…. A week is plenty of time to spend together, more than that and you risk getting irritated with eachother