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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm allowed QT with my daughter too...

56 replies

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:16

I work full time and am resident parent to my toddler. My ex lives over 45 mins away in a studio apartment. At the moment we share weekends and she co sleeps with him. Due to being let down many times (bringing DD home to me at 8.30pm at night because she is upset and won't stop crying has happened over three times in the last six months) I refuse to let him have her in the week. It is too disruptive for her and also for me, if he lets me down last minute. My ex is now saying he should have her every weekend because I see her in the week. I tried to explain I don't have any QT with her but that doesn't matter to him. I have even suggested every other weekend, so we both get longer periods of time together too! (Just to reiterate I've never stopped him seeing his daughter and we share BHW and he is welcome to take holiday off work to have her too). He pays minimum and I have to work two jobs so I can afford to send my daughter to nursery and work and pay for rent etc. It seems very unfair that I can't enjoy proper time with her too!

OP posts:
Summerlovin121 · 11/05/2023 19:18

every other weekend is fair. Could he see her in the week but not have her overnight? Weds for tea?

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:20

@Summerlovin121 he lives too far away. He used to come over once a week but we'd argue or DD would get really upset when he left! He won't entertain EOW!

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 11/05/2023 19:21

Could she go to his on Thursday night, he puts her into nursery (local to him if necessary and ideally pays for it too) and he keeps her til sunday morning? You still get Sunday day?

Jonei · 11/05/2023 19:23

Every other weekend is fair.

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:23

@MuggleMe he can't afford the nursery. It also seems a lot of upheaval for his benefit and not in daughter's best interest.

OP posts:
Fuzzyblank · 11/05/2023 19:23

Every other weekend is fair. Tough if he won’t entertain it.

Onlywords86 · 11/05/2023 19:24

If you’re the main caregiver and providing much of the income, absolutely ynbu to want quality time at weekends. The idea of giving up all weekends would be very scary to me and I’m sure to most parents. EOW is the obvious choice. Tbh even if you weren’t providing most of the financial support I think him asking for every weekend would be unreasonable. Weeks just are not the same as weekends, especially if you work and DD is in nursery.

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:27

@Fuzzyblank get bombarded with texts every week about me trying to keep his daughter from him. He has seen her pretty much every weekend since we separated two years ago. We share bank holidays and he has had her for holidays etc. I also have been making sure he gets to FaceTime her every night. But I am stopping that. I also can't forgive him for driving out DD back home at 8.30pm at night to me when she won't cry. It must be so unsettling for her and he's made me out to be the cruel mother for wanting her to stay at her dads when she is crying for me (I'm not I just find it upsetting he won't deal with her like this) xx

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 11/05/2023 19:36

If he is brining her back when she cries then he is quite useless as a parent, he barely pays you CM and you are working 2 jobs to sub his lack of financial contributions, he can choose to move closer to help facilitate more time or he can have EOW until she is a bit older and he has developed strategies to cope with her that are not dropping her back off at 8:30pm.

I'd suggest he goes to parenting classes and the above, he can't afford to take you to court so he will have to go by what suits you as resident parent.

Cherrysoup · 11/05/2023 19:38

Tell him to go to court and start EOW.

SchoolShenanigans · 11/05/2023 19:39

Good luck to him trying to get every weekend in court.

Honestly, tell him no and refuse to discuss it further. He clearly isnt living in reality.

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:40

Thanks @TomatoSandwiches I was dropping her off on Friday afternoon and if she was tired, irritable (as most toddlers are after nursery etc) he asks me 'what have you done to her?' I had to provide him with pram and car seat! I get no thanks, just abuse as I'm keeping his daughter away from him. He has no proper room or bed for her, which is fine at the weekends but she is so young and still needs routine and structure which I try to explain. Even when he FaceTimes and if she wants to go, he won't let me put the phone down and tells her how much he misses her. If she gets upset because she's tired he says 'don't worry you'll see daddy soon.' And I find it so terribly unfair on her. But of course it's me that's always at fault

OP posts:
IrregularChoiceFan · 11/05/2023 19:44

I'd tell him EOW, if he isn't happy with that, he can go go court. No judge would grant every week.

tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 19:45

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:20

@Summerlovin121 he lives too far away. He used to come over once a week but we'd argue or DD would get really upset when he left! He won't entertain EOW!

Over 45 minutes is not "too far away" is he saying that? my DH drives to and from his kids house an hour away to pick them up from school - take them for dinner and then drop them back to their mums.

tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 19:46

He can take her to a park or something after nursery.

Anyway. I'd suggest mediation then court

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:47

@tikkanaan no I am saying that as she is 2 and personally I don't see the point to drive all the way back for half an hour of awake time to be put to bed and then wake up to go back first thing in the morning. Also, by track record I don't trust him to not let me down.

OP posts:
Choconutty · 11/05/2023 19:48

EOW is fair. If he wants to see her in the week 45 mins for him is fine - I drive 30mins each way to get my kids to school for goodness sake!

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:48

@tikkanaan also your partner sounds a good dad!

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 19:48

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:47

@tikkanaan no I am saying that as she is 2 and personally I don't see the point to drive all the way back for half an hour of awake time to be put to bed and then wake up to go back first thing in the morning. Also, by track record I don't trust him to not let me down.

He should come to you if he can be arsed

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:49

@tikkanaan he did but then she'd get so upset when he left it took me hours to console her and get her back to bed!

OP posts:
tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 19:49

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:48

@tikkanaan also your partner sounds a good dad!

Thank you, he is. And she's the one who moved so really she should be doing some of the driving but still.

SchoolShenanigans · 11/05/2023 19:50

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:40

Thanks @TomatoSandwiches I was dropping her off on Friday afternoon and if she was tired, irritable (as most toddlers are after nursery etc) he asks me 'what have you done to her?' I had to provide him with pram and car seat! I get no thanks, just abuse as I'm keeping his daughter away from him. He has no proper room or bed for her, which is fine at the weekends but she is so young and still needs routine and structure which I try to explain. Even when he FaceTimes and if she wants to go, he won't let me put the phone down and tells her how much he misses her. If she gets upset because she's tired he says 'don't worry you'll see daddy soon.' And I find it so terribly unfair on her. But of course it's me that's always at fault

Stop putting up with his crap, you're not together, you don't have to.

When he piles on the emotional blackmail and uses her to get at you (which is what he's doing), hang up. You don't owe him anything.

Child cries
You: she's tired, I'm going to start bedtime
Him: oh but I've missed you dd, don't you love daddy and want to see me, I miss you...
You: yes, well we're off, she'll see you at the weekend/we'll speak at the weekend, bye!" Hang up.

YOU are the one providing for her, working your arse off, dealing with all the real parenting crap. You don't owe him anything. Just keep to EOW and anything outside of that is on your terms, in the best interests of your daughter.

tikkanaan · 11/05/2023 19:50

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:49

@tikkanaan he did but then she'd get so upset when he left it took me hours to console her and get her back to bed!

Ah that makes sense. I think you're right, it has to be led by your child at this age to a large extent.

clpsmum · 11/05/2023 19:51

Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:20

@Summerlovin121 he lives too far away. He used to come over once a week but we'd argue or DD would get really upset when he left! He won't entertain EOW!

45 minutes isn't that far. Could he not come to you midweek and take her out somewhere?

Original poster
Grapefruittea · 11/05/2023 19:53

@SchoolShenanigans thank you! You are the Angel on my shoulder I need!! If I do what you suggest at the end I get text messages 'ridiculous! Nice one! She was so upset etc etc' I try my best to ignore them but the other night I wrote back (worst thing I could have done but am only human). He's been like this for so long (even when we were together) he makes me feel like any logical reasoning or thinking is me acting 'like a nutcase'. Thanks for your pep talk.

OP posts: