To think I'm allowed QT with my daughter too...

[Grapefruittea]

I work full time and am resident parent to my toddler. My ex lives over 45 mins away in a studio apartment. At the moment we share weekends and she co sleeps with him. Due to being let down many times (bringing DD home to me at 8.30pm at night because she is upset and won't stop crying has happened over three times in the last six months) I refuse to let him have her in the week. It is too disruptive for her and also for me, if he lets me down last minute. My ex is now saying he should have her every weekend because I see her in the week. I tried to explain I don't have any QT with her but that doesn't matter to him. I have even suggested every other weekend, so we both get longer periods of time together too! (Just to reiterate I've never stopped him seeing his daughter and we share BHW and he is welcome to take holiday off work to have her too). He pays minimum and I have to work two jobs so I can afford to send my daughter to nursery and work and pay for rent etc. It seems very unfair that I can't enjoy proper time with her too!

@tikkanaan if she was a bit older and able to handle the emotions and saying goodbye etc I wouldn't have a problem but she is so young and this is so confusing for her. Even sharing weekends is tough for her, that's why I think EOW where she gets a big chunk of time with daddy and then with mummy seems the fairest for her.

stop giving him stuff stop listening to his crap-every weekend isnt fair on you

if he wants more he'll have to go to court

Does she now settle fine on the weekend she stays at his?

If so then time to revisit her staying at his during the week and having EOW.

Perhaps he needs to have her for 3/4 nights in a row at his so she settles easier then move into the new pattern.

Why are you stopping the FaceTime?

Did he move away or did you? I think EOW is fine but I also think it’s not enough for him, would it be enough for you?

If he wants to be a more present Dad I would really look at making that work, obviously you need boundaries because he can’t be letting you or her down last minute but EOW only is pretty heartbreaking for a parent.

So you do all the hard work, bringing money in, paying for nursery, school runs etc

And he wants every weekend? Fuck off. Like an unpaid nanny?

EOW. Or let him take you to court and make sure he's responsible for picking up on his Friday.

He sounds on the edge of emotionally abusive. Deliberately winding up your daughter.

Engage with him as little as possible. You cant argue with stupid.

I would really look at making that work

I wouldn't. He has returned their toddler 3x in the last 6 months because she was crying.

If he wants to make it work, it is absolutely, on him to look into ways of having mid week contact. In a way that isn't traumatic for their daughter.

Please don’t act on some of the angry, toxic advice here. You should get impartial legal advice.

If you follow some of the responses on here there’s every chance you could be seen as very unreasonable in court and it won’t help at all.

good luck.

@Irritateandunreasonable to be fair I did get legal advice. Their advice was EOW and one day in the week, if in child's best interest. Also shared holidays etc, which I do. My ex is very toxic and is trying to make me believe I don't have a right to QT with my daughter at the weekends, which I do.

@Irritateandunreasonable he moved away. I am not stopping the FaceTime but for my sanity and my daughter's sake I am going to every other day. When she spends the weekend with him I don't have any contact, yet when I took her away for three days he bombarded me with emotionally charged messages because I wouldn't FaceTime him as I wanted three days away from him and to just switch off and enjoy time with my daughter. Again, I spoke to a lawyer and they said FaceTiming every day too much. EOD or three times a week is perfectly reasonable.

@RandomMess well considering he brought her back last Friday after I'd drop her off I don't think so. She doesn't have her own room or space. She is two. And travelling all that distance at such a young age is not fair on her. Your post I'm afraid is putting a father's need before a child's!

Every other weekend and the opportunity to collect her from nursery and take her to the park for an hour midweek. Then he drops her with you - she'll probably be happy to be home then and the transition is easier than him "leaving" her.

@Fatat40 this could work. Worth a try at least?

I think it's worth you trying.

Ok so she doesn't settle reliably at his now. That's different.

I would assume at some point you will end up in court.

Be very reasonable in writing and go along the lines of yes it would be great for you to have DD during the week and EOW as she needs QT with both of us. What do you suggest as a plan to work towards this happening? At the moment you struggle to settle DD in your home and then you being her back late at night. What's your suggestion for you to to stick at getting her to settle in the evenings when she stays with you.

Realistically it is in DDs interests to have a loving relationship with her Dad where she feels secure and settles easily. Lots of DC have to spend a long time commuting with their parents from childcare so a court won't view that as an issue.

You need to be aware of you being ultra reasonable now by offering reasonable contact will show that you are protecting your DDs best interests. If you come across as being obstructive and unreasonable it will count against you if the court/Cafcass get involved.

Contact during the week and EOW is the norm. Remember many courts see 50:50 as the starting point.

Sorry your ex is an ineffectual and selfish parent, very hard work!

I would suggest he collects from nursery and take to the park/for tea twice a week. He needs to build up more regular time with her rather than less. Once a week is not much/frequent to a 2 year old.

Some DC are just more "clingy" with their main caregiver.

@RandomMess are you a lawyer? The lawyer I spoke to, who has over thirty years experience in family law said how I have been acting was more than reasonable and showed constant care and willing to foster a relationship between my daughter and her father. She advised to show compromise and willing, which I have done for the past two years but also said to not be too passive! There is a difference between me stopping my child having a relationship with her father, which I am not doing and being passive and letting him get what he wants even if it is detriment to my child. Yea, lots of people may ferry their two year children back and forth with no routine during the week. Do I think that's in the best interest of my child. Certainly not. Of my ex was genuinely that concerned he shouldn't have move for far away two years ago and should not continue to live there.

@RandomMess personally I'm not sure you've read any of my messages. I will choose not to take your advice.

@RandomMess also, your fact of most courts see 50:50 as a starting point is correct but also this rarely happens and will only happen when parents are very amicable and live close by. My ex can barely pay CMS payments. So not sure he'll be able to afford £1k a month in half the nursery costs!

Well if you have a lawyer and they are advising you why are you asking on here?

Him wanting the whole weekend is completely unreasonable but limiting him to one day out of 7 can also be seen as unreasonable.

You think 45 minutes is too far but for many it's the reality due to traffic etc. just be ultra reasonable. Come and pick DD up after nursery Tues & Thursdays and spend time with her and drop her home and if it goes well he could then start having her overnights on those days. He probably won't keep it up for more than a few weeks will he?

@RandomMess in my original post I asked if it was fair that my ex thinks he should have her every weekend because I look after her in the week. I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship and I sometimes struggle to see the logical answer (even though I know it's not unreasonable for me to spend quality time with my daughter at the weekends, when my ex is bombarding me with abusive messages it sometimes is hard to get clarity and I think I'm going mad. Hence why I ask on here. I don't have a lawyer but I did get legal advice, to get clarity on my rights and situation. Sorry if I come across as a defensive cow, but my ex has made things very difficult for me and my daughter.

My Ex suggested this. I said no because why should I do all the donkey work & he gets the fun times so I said he can have her for tea anytime in the week and 1 day & night each weekend. He usually has her sat from 9am but is ringing me at 6 saying she wants to come home (even though she says she misses him every day but won’t have a sleepover).

i would give your ex a choice of 1 day & night each weekend or eow.

You are entitled to quality time where it’s not the during the week rush of everything.

@StarDolphins are our ex's related? Haha

I tried to give him a choice and then he refuses to return her so if I drop her off on the Friday he has her on the Saturday night too, even when I've asked to have her dropped back. It's mainly about control over me, though he'd never admit it

Well my best advice is block him from your phone and tell him email from now only.

Practice grey rock.

Offer him lots of contact to a build a relationship like the after nursery, he won't stick to it. He is likely only demanding it to push your buttons.

The other thing is to mention about going away for a weekend whilst he has DD and he suddenly won't want her 🙄

Broken record on report - it would be lovely for you to have DD more let's start with XYZ.

EOW is perfectly fair. I would also agree to him picking her up from nursery to go to the park once mid week but he doesn’t seem interested in that.

I would get a separate cheap phone just for him. Keep it switched off apart from using it for the FaceTimes and for when she is with him. Hopefully that will limit the emotional stress he is putting on you.

@RandomMess oh I'm going away in two weeks. Have offered him the whole weekend... for someone who makes my life misery as I'm keeping his daughter away from him he hasn't got back to me about that. Even though I asked for him to confirm this week. On more than one occasion if he gets a sniff of the fact I'm doing something fun when I don't have my DD he will let me down. As I said, this isn't me stopping contact this is making sure my daughter has stability and structure without being messed around by her dad!