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Original poster

Ex calling shots RE my new partner

73 replies

RickA · 11/05/2023 17:09

I feel such a looser posting here to get others' opinions but I am feeling really stressed about this.

I have been divorced 17 years. My ex has delicate mental health, to say the least. She was recently in a rehab centre for 5 days after coming off anti-depressants and has periodic depressive events. My two adult children are very protective of her - which I get and I'm proud of them for the way they handle the situation.

My ex refuses to be at any event where I am with a new partner (MY new partner). My son married - 8 years ago - and I went alone, even though I had had a partner of 5 years. She (partner) wasn't very happy about it but put up with it. Trying not to rock the boat etc. In all these 17 years I have avoided bringing any new partner to any family event. A different partner was very upset I wouldn't put my foot down RE all this and it was a contributing factor in her leaving me.

I coach a soccer team in which my younger grandchild plays. I'm very involved in my grandsons' lives. They spend the night with me regularly, I go to school events - etc. etc. - a very involved grandfather. I take them to eat, we go on trips together (usually just me and them), I cook for them and all the usual things grandparents do.

My newish partner (6 months) lives a good distance away. When she has visited twice in the last few months she has attended my games, and my ex stayed away. This weekend is the last game of the season, and my new partner will be here. I want her to attend the game. She planned on making some dessert for the after game party. I told my ex she was coming - to give her warning as I know she is sensitive to it and asked her what she wanted to do; I am very sensitive to her situation and mental state. I had hoped she would come this time and sit away - no need for any communication. The ex told me she was coming, she didn't want my new partner there, and refused to communicate with me about it. My daughter (grandson's parent) got involved taking her mother's side. She wanted her mother to come and enjoy her grandson's final game and didn't want her mother to be uncomfortable. My daughter can't see how this is her mother's issue, not mine, and is implying that I am preventing her mother from enjoying this final game. She says he is her grandchild, not my partner's grandchild. We've gone round and round on it and my daughter just can't see my side of it and I'm pretty fed up. Do I dig my heels in and take a stance this time, or do I give in to keep the peace. If I give in, again, when does it end? The truth is if I told my new partner my daughter didn't want here there she probably wouldn't come anyway- and that wouldn't be great for their relationship. Daughter has met my new partner a couple of times and there are no issues. New partner is a very decent person, no issues at all. Has two children of her own and a grandchild, works (interior designer), well educated, is very active, mentally stable etc. etc.

OP posts:
Likethestarsabove547 · 11/05/2023 17:13

No you need to put your foot down now.
This is beyond a joke.
You've been more than considerate but you are still letting your ex rule your life with this.
What about your happiness?
Say no more to any of them and have your partner come.
Everyone is an adult here and they should be able to behave like it if not then it reflects on them.
Sorry to be blunt

MintJulia · 11/05/2023 17:14

Hasn't this already been posted but from the new partner's point of view?

In the end, it's about the dcs. If they want mum and dad or Gran & Granddad there at THEIR game, then that's what happens. Others can attend or not attend as they wish and just sit separately to the ex.

DPotter · 11/05/2023 17:27

You've lost 2 long term partners because of this - I'm sorry I don't understand how you have found yourself in this position. For heaven's sake divorced for 17 yrs and still asking your ex about bringing your partner along to a kid's footy match. You, as they say, have made a rod for your own back and now all parties are entrenched. To move on is going to take a gargantuan effort of your part and there may be casualties. It will only end when you decide you can weather the storm which will follow.

I would suggest you back off on this occasion but give your family notice that this stops now. In future they are to assume you will be bringing a partner with you.

drpet49 · 11/05/2023 17:30

You have been divorced for 17 years and yet your ex is still controlling you. This stops now!

MrsCarson · 11/05/2023 17:32

Why do you even communicate with your Ex? Your children are grown, no need to have anything to do with her. Go about your life your way, if your kids invite you to things go, but don't keep your Ex involved in what you are doing and with who.

Beamur · 11/05/2023 17:33

Stop asking for permission to bring your partners to events.

romdowa · 11/05/2023 17:36

You are separated 17 years , your chikdren are adults, it's beyond time to stop communicating with your ex wife.

blueluce85 · 11/05/2023 17:38

I agree with @MrsCarson - stop involving your ex.

You actually created the situation this time by informing your ex that your partner would be there!

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 17:38

You need to stop asking permission to bring a new partner along. And tell your children that you realise a rather unhealthy dynamic has developed of you asking and their mum being allowed to dictate your life and you won't be doing so any more. Your ex does not own your relationship with your children or grandchildren or need to be in any way involved in it.

GabriellaMontez · 11/05/2023 17:40

MintJulia · 11/05/2023 17:14

Hasn't this already been posted but from the new partner's point of view?

In the end, it's about the dcs. If they want mum and dad or Gran & Granddad there at THEIR game, then that's what happens. Others can attend or not attend as they wish and just sit separately to the ex.

It would be unkind to ask children to pick between grandparents. They don't need to know about any of this.

Stop discussing this with anyone. Just bring your partner. If your ex wants to leave that's on her.

Beamur · 11/05/2023 17:40

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 17:38

You need to stop asking permission to bring a new partner along. And tell your children that you realise a rather unhealthy dynamic has developed of you asking and their mum being allowed to dictate your life and you won't be doing so any more. Your ex does not own your relationship with your children or grandchildren or need to be in any way involved in it.

This in a nutshell.
They will kick off, but the situation you have got yourself into is ridiculous. (Out of kindness to your ex, but insane for you and your girlfriends)

SoTired12 · 11/05/2023 17:41

No wonder your ex still demands stuff 17 years later, she gets her own way every time, she knows exactly what she's doing too.

Does your daughter not give a shit about how you feel? If that was my mum I would have explained to her by now she doesn't get to dictate what everyone else does. Ask your daughter why she doesn't think your happiness matters.

Conkersinautumn · 11/05/2023 17:42

You need to ask your children to explain why they aren't able to support you in your life, your choice of a partner and push this over to them. Your exes boundary is her life, not yours. This is someone who has made a commitment to you and your life and is supportive of your children. The ex needs to back off really, their interest needs to be their life and whether your children and grandchildren are happy and healthy

2bazookas · 11/05/2023 17:42

I would just withdraw from the conversation with daughter and ex, take your new partner to the match, and keep your distance from your ex.

She can't use her mental health as a weapon to control your life. As soon as you make that clear she will realise that herself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2023 17:43

You should have stopped this ridiculous pandering years ago. Do it now. Honestly, you’re letting other people keep you on a leash which has already ruined at least one relationship. Why’s your ex more important than the women you’re actually in relationships with? Asking got advice isn’t silly, the way you’ve been living your life to date certainly is, stop it now.

Reugny · 11/05/2023 17:44

Fireyflies · 11/05/2023 17:38

You need to stop asking permission to bring a new partner along. And tell your children that you realise a rather unhealthy dynamic has developed of you asking and their mum being allowed to dictate your life and you won't be doing so any more. Your ex does not own your relationship with your children or grandchildren or need to be in any way involved in it.

This.

44PumpLane · 11/05/2023 17:47

If your daughter mentions this again perhaps you need to ask her how she would feel if she was in this situation.

Literally spell out to her that if she was to split up with her partner and 17 years later, having already lost two long term partners over accommodating her ex partner, you are still being dictated to.

I understand her loyalty to her mother but eventually it has to stop being facilitated as it's just ridiculous now. Particularly as this is an activity that you take such an active role in.....you're the coach, I think it's reasonable that your partner wants to come to YOUR last match of the season. As the coach it's just as much your last match too!

Thewitcherswolf · 11/05/2023 17:51

The worst thing you could do in this situation is bring your new partner without telling her it will cause a family feud. It’s not fair on her.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/05/2023 17:53

The ex's wishes are no longer your concern. The adult children will eventually realise what a healthy relationship looks like if you just get on with your life without consulting the ex on every move.

Original poster
RickA · 11/05/2023 17:55

Thanks for all the responses so far - i didn't expect them this quickly.

If I had said I was bringing a partner to my son's wedding, she probably wouldn't have gone. Could I have done that my son? He would have probably had preferred me to stay away. Yes, that's messed up as well.

Why do I still communicate with her? I thought I was being kind telling her when I would or would not be bringing a new partner to an event so she could make up her mind. My previous partner tried to address this - she got on very well with my daughter and suggested the three of them met for coffee so they could meet and get over it - both my daughter and my ex refused.

I am divorced for a reason. Issues like this were happening during the marriage - the ex and the kids keeping things from me. When I was away working one set of rules in the house, when I was there another set of rules. So yes I have "created a rod for my own back". To be honest I'm not surprised my ex has this attitude - I'm more upset at my daughter right now being unable to see my point. She just sees the kids want grandma at their game - everything else is not important.

OP posts:
Fannehflaps · 11/05/2023 18:07

Take your partner. If you ex decides she cannot possibly watch her grandchild’s game because she’s THAT petty about you moving on, then she clearly isn’t thinking of the grandchild. Please do not let your past ruin your future.

SnackSizeRaisin · 11/05/2023 18:08

I think you just take your partner. If your ex chooses to stay away that's up to her. Unfortunately your children are being manipulated by her and it's an unhealthy situation.
I think it's so selfish when divorced parents use their children to get at their ex. This is what she is doing. Now she is using her grandchildren too.
I have a friend whose parents are like this. It has made her wedding and graduation really stressful events where she has had to plan how to avoid her parents being in the same place at the same time, instead of being happy occasions that are about her.

Mumof4alsoabonus · 11/05/2023 18:10

You needed to do this when you were in a 5yr relationship. To do it for 1 lasting 6mths doesn’t seem as important tbh, but I understand it’s probably the final straw.
You need to speak to your children and explain your situation. Tell them you aren’t doing it anymore and they can support that or not. It may affect your relationship with them, at least in the short term but you can’t keep sacrificing your happiness for everyone else to have an easy life and not have to deal with your ex. Stop feeding your ex by telling her anything.

strawberry2017 · 11/05/2023 18:26

Wow how controlling and how sad. How can she not have moved on after 17 years!
I don't understand how adult children think this is acceptable!
I'm agree with other posters I think you need a good talk with your children. Try and get them to see it from your point of view.
Everyone deserves to be happy.

OhmygodDont · 11/05/2023 18:29

Is it the ex calling the shots or is it she will attended as long a your not with a partner and thus your children say your partner cannot come.

That’s your children putting their mother over your girlfriend of the time. The issue is your adult children pandering or just preferring mum over any of your partners or even you being there as harsh as that sounds.

All they have to do is say ok fine mum don’t come, but they don’t. They and the grandchildren want her there. Unless she throws tantrums and whatnot rather than just gracefully not attending or saying she won’t attend it’s them not her.

Although not sure why a gf of six months needs to be around the grandchildren tbh same as a parents new partner shouldn’t be around the children.

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