Ex calling shots RE my new partner

[RickA]

I feel such a looser posting here to get others' opinions but I am feeling really stressed about this.

I have been divorced 17 years. My ex has delicate mental health, to say the least. She was recently in a rehab centre for 5 days after coming off anti-depressants and has periodic depressive events. My two adult children are very protective of her - which I get and I'm proud of them for the way they handle the situation.

My ex refuses to be at any event where I am with a new partner (MY new partner). My son married - 8 years ago - and I went alone, even though I had had a partner of 5 years. She (partner) wasn't very happy about it but put up with it. Trying not to rock the boat etc. In all these 17 years I have avoided bringing any new partner to any family event. A different partner was very upset I wouldn't put my foot down RE all this and it was a contributing factor in her leaving me.

I coach a soccer team in which my younger grandchild plays. I'm very involved in my grandsons' lives. They spend the night with me regularly, I go to school events - etc. etc. - a very involved grandfather. I take them to eat, we go on trips together (usually just me and them), I cook for them and all the usual things grandparents do.

My newish partner (6 months) lives a good distance away. When she has visited twice in the last few months she has attended my games, and my ex stayed away. This weekend is the last game of the season, and my new partner will be here. I want her to attend the game. She planned on making some dessert for the after game party. I told my ex she was coming - to give her warning as I know she is sensitive to it and asked her what she wanted to do; I am very sensitive to her situation and mental state. I had hoped she would come this time and sit away - no need for any communication. The ex told me she was coming, she didn't want my new partner there, and refused to communicate with me about it. My daughter (grandson's parent) got involved taking her mother's side. She wanted her mother to come and enjoy her grandson's final game and didn't want her mother to be uncomfortable. My daughter can't see how this is her mother's issue, not mine, and is implying that I am preventing her mother from enjoying this final game. She says he is her grandchild, not my partner's grandchild. We've gone round and round on it and my daughter just can't see my side of it and I'm pretty fed up. Do I dig my heels in and take a stance this time, or do I give in to keep the peace. If I give in, again, when does it end? The truth is if I told my new partner my daughter didn't want here there she probably wouldn't come anyway- and that wouldn't be great for their relationship. Daughter has met my new partner a couple of times and there are no issues. New partner is a very decent person, no issues at all. Has two children of her own and a grandchild, works (interior designer), well educated, is very active, mentally stable etc. etc.

The only thing I am reading here that would stop me from taking GF, this time, is she is indeed quite new. But this is MY event as well.

I'm more peed off with my daughter TBH. I kind of expect that from my ex-wife. My daughter doesn't like confrontation and can't handle strong emotions. When my ex has breakdowns my daughter has her husband, my ex's son in law, try and talk to her and calm her down, as it were. She doesn't want her mother who is currently doing ok having another emotional crisis, and the more important thing for her is that her mother is not uncomfortable or triggered. I get that as well. She thinks I am being selfish by bringing someone to an event where her mother won't come - because of her emotional mess.

She can't see why it's a big deal for me to bring a new partner to a football game.

My daughter is looking at it like this. It's her son's game, and obviously he would want his grandmother there rather than someone he has only met a few times. But I don't think it's just about what my grandson wants - but he won't be able to see why she wouldn't come.

I've coached these boys (6-7) for a year - it might not sound like a big deal but they come to me and tell me about little things in their non-football lives and we have developed little relationships. I think it's important for kids to have relationships with responsible adults outside of their family and I have offered that. I'd like to share this happy end of season event with these little kids and bring my partner to experience it as well. She had planned on making a couple of crumbles to bring to the after game party.

As a few others have said maybe I need to be the bigger person THIS time, again, relationship is new after all, but make it clear going forwards this is the last time.

Another point though is I don't think this is setting a good example for young kids that adults can't get on. But I can't expect a 6 yo to understand his grandma's mental illnesses.

Thank you everyone for your feedback - sometimes I just drown in thoughts.

Oh I do get what some are saying RE new GF should run a mile with this mess...

Your daughter is ranking her mother's feelings above yours. She would rather upset you than her mother. After all this time this appears to be automatic and entrenched with your daughter very much assuming the position that your ex is a victim who's feelings need protecting. Very harsh that your daughter does not appear to realise how much she is taking you for granted/ you doing everything you do for her son as a given. Does she ever thank you and Express her appreciation? Sadly I think unfortunately it boils down to you deciding what you value more - spending time with your grandson on your daughters terms or sharing your life with a partner. If your ex has mental health issues this may excuse her behaviour but I think I would be very disappointed with your daughter (who I assume is well) not being fair to you I what she demands from you

Since you’ve already opened the door by giving them advanced notice I see several ways you could handle this:

1-Bring GF anyway and just let the chips fall. Don’t tell anyone before hand -This is the one that will likely blow up the biggest.

2-Tell daughter that GF is coming to your game and neither of you go to the second - Your daughter certainly has no standing to keep you away from a game you are coaching.

3 - Tell Ex and Daughter that this is the last time you give advance warning and don’t bring GF.

4- Tell daughter and or Ex that your bringing GF and you won’t be changing your mind to both games. - This gives them both time to either prepare or blackmail you with threats of not seeing the grandkids anymore or pull shenanigans such as the Ex having another episode.

If it were me, I’d probably go with a combo of 2&3. Tell daughter that GF is attending the first game and you won’t be giving advance notice anymore. But all of them come with risk, so you need to be ready for that.

Coach is more important than parent and even your grandchild as far as the game goes. So it would bug me that your daughter thinks she gets to decide.

However family, your grandchild and your partners happiness are all more important than a game. Would your partner want to go if she knew of the tension? Will your grandchild be upset if gran doesnt attend? I am not sure i would choose this one to make the point. That said if partner has attended most games and will feel offended if asked to sit this one out prioritise her. Why should gran waltz in and dictate who attends?

What would happen if you just turned up with your gf? Would the family members leave?

Sorry, as much as I believe your ex has mental health issues I reckon that it's more like narcissistic behaviour. 17 years and she still has a breakdown if you bring a new partner to something? Stamps her feet and refuses to go. Nah, she needs to get a grip and not be pandered to.

Pull back from being available and see how quickly your daughter realises how much free babysitting she's going to lose out on.

Good luck OP, this all sounds like a mess but be strong and live your life.

Agree that you need to pull right back @RickA if I was your partner I would not tolerate being dictated to by your ex of 17 YEARS. That blows my mind. Time to start putting your foot down and living your life for you. The more you give in to people the more they expect. I bet not one of them have thought about how shit this all is for you. Your ex wife has been pandered to for years, stepping back is the only option you have.

Remember your EX is emotionally abusing your daughter by trying to control you via her.

Your daughter has been reared in a very dysfunctional environment, has her own family now, and probably just wants a quiet life.

By all means give way this time, but you need to spell out to your daughter that going forward you will not be discussing your private life with her and you will no lo get be in contact with your ex.

17 years on this a spectacularly unhealthy dynamic which you are feeding.

Step away from this drama you are feeding.

Cease ALL contact with your ex.

Block her number if necessary.

Tell your daughter she should seek counselling, even offer to pay if you can, but tell her you will no longer be controlled by your ex wife and you will no longer be party to your ex trying to control you via your daughter.

Expect push back, hysterics, health crisis etc.

This is seriously messed up.

I hope your new girlfriend protects herself.

YANBU. Stop communicating with your ex. Bring your girlfriend. Tell your kids to grow up.

With your Ex’s MH difficulties it’s very possible that your children have gone down the route of walking on eggshells around her. It would have been tricky for children to grow up in a house when they witnessed their parents emotional distress/ MH problems and much of this would have been internalised by them. Chances are they need counselling to help them see this.

I can totally see where you’re coming from and 17 years later you should be free to live your life and share it with someone else. Your children and grandchildren are part of your life. There is a pattern of behaviour here that has been deeply entrenched.

I think going forward you don’t tell your ex you will be bringing a partner. Especially at an event such as this where they don’t have to interact in any way.

Divorced 17 years fgs and you are still being told how to run your life! Have your partner at the game, ex and daughter can decide whether to attend or not. You have to draw a line under this ridiculous pattern of coercion.

I agree with all the PPs that should not have mentioned it in advance. I think you need to be quite firm with your DC that their mother is not your responsibility. Help them to see that she is not theirs either.

OP, you said in your first post that you're proud that your kids are protective of their mother. Maybe that's no longer appropriate. You are allowed feelings too.

You’ve put your happiness aside for a long time. I think you need to sit your adult kids down and explain this to them. Explain how you feel and that you need to start putting your happiness above your ex’s. It doesn’t mean you don’t care, but she’s had a lot of control for a long time now and it’s ruining any chance of a relationship working.

Your ex seriously needs some counselling if she hasn't moved on after 17 years divorced. Has she really not had a single relationship herself in that time? Crazy that she's calling the shots and your daughter is enabling her.

Sounds to me like this is more manipulative than a mental health issue.
Honestly, I would have put a stop to this years ago. 17 years have passed ffs.
Id do one of two things..

1. Put your foot down now and tell them all that you will not bow down to ridiculous unreasonable demands anymore. It’s a football match, I’m sure there’s plenty of room for the ex wife to avoid you.
2. Give in this time and make it the last. You tell your daughter and ex wife that you will never ever do this again and that the mother is the issue and they are facilitating this behaviour.

The ex wife is essentially blackmailing everyone to give in to her demands. They all need to grow up and move on.

What ‘mental health issue’ means her ex of years and years can’t have a new partner? Jealousy doesn’t count.

This is manipulation, aided and abetted by your children.

I agree with stopping talking to your ex. It isn't helpful, she is not your problem to worry about.

You do need to talk to your children and let them know that this situation has gone in long enough and has cause the failure of previous relationships you have been in. Whilst you will respect their right to invite who they like to events they are organising, you want be jeopardising your relationships anymore for a women you have not been married to for 17 years and ask them to please consider how unreasonable their mother is being in banning any of your partners from accompanying you at family events.

Of course, the above may result in no change and you will have to decide whether you respect their wishes or refuse to attend in future.

The problem seems to be that you and your daughters have pandered to your ex wife, their mother, for 17 years, and probably long before that, so now none of you can see a way out

Your ex wife, the daughters mother, is now used to calling the shots and being in control, and she probably tacitly and regularly plays the mental health card.

You are scared to upset your daughters and perhaps have your 'visiting rights' to grandchildren stopped

You seem to imply that you've always had a difficult relationship with your children, who it appears always sided with their mother

So.....if you bring your current girlfriend to the football match , chances are your ex wife will kick off, your daughters will side with her and you will have some sort of 'stop' put on your access to your grandchildren

What would I do?

I honestly don't know. I would HAVE to have continued access to my grandchildren so anything that might cause an issue with that would have to be sorted in whatever way worked

I do wonder why you have had difficult relationships with your daughters even before the marriage ended.

Oh and just to add.....if I were your new girlfriend I would run a mile. Its SO toxic as to be almost unbelievable

If your partner came and stood on the side of the pitch opposite end to your ex wife how would she even know? Anyone can turn up to a match and watch. I would not turn it into a big thing by announcing it over text.

Why do you care so much for your ex wife's comfort when she doesn't care about yours?

Weddings etc are different. But day to day stuff. Stop letting her call all the shots. She needs to move on. Id leave your daughter out of it. Of course she doesn't want her mum upset but her mum is locked into the past and hasn't moved on. I think it's manipulation. We all have to do things we are uncomfortable with sometimes.

Next season start with that from the first match, then by the time the celebration comes around its the norm and everyone will be expecting it.

My ExH I feel humiliated me when he had an affair and the left for that person, particularly as he blames me for the end of the relationship as I choose to say I couldn't continue to be married to him if he saw someone else.
I found being at events with him and his partner there very difficult. However, I continued to go and woman up for my daughters sake.

Whatever he did to me is not my daughter's problem and I would never ask her to choose between us.
It is 12 years I have had counselling and have remarried. The partner he left me for has passed away. I can be polite, but never be his friend due to the awful things he said and did. Yes I do really wish he wasn't at events, but again I would never let my daughter know that.
As others have said you Ex is top ally abusing your adult children by forcing them to choose they need help and support to understand this. This cycle will only change if you stop engaging with her.

<<I am going and I do not want her there. It is a family event, she is not family. It is an important game. I do not want it give it up again. It makes ALL of us uncomfortable, not just me. Please show some respect to me and all of us.
No need to reply to this, this is how I feel. Nothing more to discuss.>>

It's not a family event though, is it? It's not like it's a party or a wedding. There will be all sorts of people there and she can't dictate it. What if your GF is friends with another family and they invite her to attend?

I do think I would back off on this occasion, because I wouldn't want to involve the grandsons and because it's a relatively new relationship. But I would be talking to your daughters and explaining that this stops now. You haven't been married for 17 years. Your ex is not your responsibility. She's deeply manipulative. If you have a GF/ partner, that partner can and will be attending events with you.