Ex calling shots RE my new partner

[RickA]

I feel such a looser posting here to get others' opinions but I am feeling really stressed about this.

I have been divorced 17 years. My ex has delicate mental health, to say the least. She was recently in a rehab centre for 5 days after coming off anti-depressants and has periodic depressive events. My two adult children are very protective of her - which I get and I'm proud of them for the way they handle the situation.

My ex refuses to be at any event where I am with a new partner (MY new partner). My son married - 8 years ago - and I went alone, even though I had had a partner of 5 years. She (partner) wasn't very happy about it but put up with it. Trying not to rock the boat etc. In all these 17 years I have avoided bringing any new partner to any family event. A different partner was very upset I wouldn't put my foot down RE all this and it was a contributing factor in her leaving me.

I coach a soccer team in which my younger grandchild plays. I'm very involved in my grandsons' lives. They spend the night with me regularly, I go to school events - etc. etc. - a very involved grandfather. I take them to eat, we go on trips together (usually just me and them), I cook for them and all the usual things grandparents do.

My newish partner (6 months) lives a good distance away. When she has visited twice in the last few months she has attended my games, and my ex stayed away. This weekend is the last game of the season, and my new partner will be here. I want her to attend the game. She planned on making some dessert for the after game party. I told my ex she was coming - to give her warning as I know she is sensitive to it and asked her what she wanted to do; I am very sensitive to her situation and mental state. I had hoped she would come this time and sit away - no need for any communication. The ex told me she was coming, she didn't want my new partner there, and refused to communicate with me about it. My daughter (grandson's parent) got involved taking her mother's side. She wanted her mother to come and enjoy her grandson's final game and didn't want her mother to be uncomfortable. My daughter can't see how this is her mother's issue, not mine, and is implying that I am preventing her mother from enjoying this final game. She says he is her grandchild, not my partner's grandchild. We've gone round and round on it and my daughter just can't see my side of it and I'm pretty fed up. Do I dig my heels in and take a stance this time, or do I give in to keep the peace. If I give in, again, when does it end? The truth is if I told my new partner my daughter didn't want here there she probably wouldn't come anyway- and that wouldn't be great for their relationship. Daughter has met my new partner a couple of times and there are no issues. New partner is a very decent person, no issues at all. Has two children of her own and a grandchild, works (interior designer), well educated, is very active, mentally stable etc. etc.

<<Is it the ex calling the shots or is it she will attend as long a your not with a partner and thus your children say your partner cannot come.>>
This.

Has your ex ever had a partner after you and if she has, have you met them or did she keep you away from them too?

So it’s not an ex wife problem it’s an adult children problem.

They want their mother to attend more than they want your current gf to attend.

There are a very limited number of events like weddings when you and your ex need to be together. So avoid them and see your children and grandchildren separately from her. If she can't cope with you being at a football match she can leave.

Then they shouldn't invite both their parents at the same time as their parents aren't married to each other anymore.

In fact there have been threads on here recently where posters were told not to visit their grandchildren and adult children at the same time as their ex even though their adult children thought they should visit together.

Ok, I don’t think this is the right hill to die on op. This involves your beloved grandchildren and your ex, daughter and you having a barny or even sulk while they’re playing in their match is not not the right time. Your daughter has got some say given it’s her child. Also this partner is newish into your grandchild’s life

I’d wait for an adult gathering, or even wait for this Ito be over and then talk to your children in a preemptive way, explain how it makes you feel (that ex is stil controlling you) and why they won’t support you bringing a partner. If the response is that their mum will be upset, try to say that is not their issue to resolve , no one can make someone else happy. Only by your ex facing down her fears and anxiety and all the other emotions will she gradually get us3d to the idea that she cannot stop you having a relationship and it is nothing to do with how she feels. You need your kids to understand this is simply not normal and is unacceptable.

but not on this hill…let it go and choose a better time to have that conversation. You have a child problem, not an ex wife problem. They’re enabling their mother’s behaviour right now.

I would show your daughter this thread so she can see she is being unreasonable. Many daughters would love to have a father this involved in their grandchildrens lives, coaching their football team, taking them away. She doesn't appreciate you. Support should work both ways and after all this time they need to set a different dynamic from only supporting their mother.

<<Then they shouldn't invite both their parents at the same time as their parents aren't married to each other anymore.>>
Understand that. But this is MY football team which I have coached all year. It's outside at a public football field so not about an invitation. Because my ex won't come if my gf is there, my daughter has asked me not to bring my gf. Simples. We've had lots of discussions about it - she just can't see my point and doesn't want her mother to be uncomfortable.

I think your daughter is really unreasonable.

In your place you should NEVER inform your ex about your plans again, EVER.

With how difficult it can be to find coaches, i would have thought your daughter might appreciate your efforts and time on behalf of her son,....but clearly not!

I think you need to be far less engaging with both your ex and your children about your private life after 17 years divorced.

Don't ask a question you are not sure you want the answer to.

Stop asking.p

If I was your new girlfriends friend, I would tell her run from your toxic enmeshed life.

Sorry!

You are going to have to be brave and hold firm. Stop asking permission and claim back your life. This is madness!

I think because it’s your football team, this might be the right occasion to put your foot down.
BUT you really must tell your daughter that this is how it is going to be in advance. No more discussion. You are bringing your partner and her mother can choose to come or not. Make it clear to your daughter that you do not want her to let this affect her (potential) relationship with your new partner, that it’s something you have chosen to put up with for too long and with multiple previous partners.
Also make it clear that this is your decision for the event you are organizing, and you will respect her decisions for events she organises. This is probably the way forward. You choose who comes to family events you organize, but you don’t try to dictate who is invited when you are not the organizer.
Tell your partner what’s going on. That it’s nothing related to her personally. Apologize for any frostiness it might cause between her and your daughter going forward.

Obviously they are being unreasonable, but the question is how to deal with it?

Your relationship is still very new, so for this game as it's end of the season I would ask GF not to come, the next time she needs to come to a game will be a good few months off, in the meantime I would start telling your daughter explicitly how this makes you feel, that you are unwilling to keep GFs away forever and that from next season you GF may attend some games, but you will not be required to tell anyone if she is coming.
You need to put some boundaries in place, but I also get you want to do that without risking you relationship with daughter or grandchild., so I think you have to tread carefully, and just keep communication going with your daughter, let her know that your ex cannot keep dictating who you can or cannot bring.

Tell you daughter that your partner will be attending your last match of the season. Full stop. End of discussion.

Everyone else can make their own decisions. Whether your ex attends is NOTHING to do with you.

It's slightly more complicated. Both grandsons have games the same day - I coach one team not the other. When I told the ex I was bringing new partner to my game, she said this:

<<I am going and I do not want her there. It is a family event, she is not family. It is an important game. I do not want it give it up again. It makes ALL of us uncomfortable, not just me. Please show some respect to me and all of us.
No need to reply to this, this is how I feel. Nothing more to discuss.>>

The other grandson's game is more important - like a cup final - so I offered to have gf just come to mine and skip the second game. Daughter wants her at both games. I asked ex to call me to discuss and talk in an adult way but she won't and won't reply to my texts.

I was very touched by someone saying how my daughter should be more appreciative of my involvement. I do a lot - I organise summer camps for them to go to, tennis, art classes etc. She has one night a week where the grandkids are usually at their grandma's for the night, once a month they spend the night with me. She has never paid for a day's day care - I don't think she realises how lucky she is.

I plan my time so I am here during summer vacations as both parents work and they need help. I think I need to stop trying so hard, tough as that is.

This is the only time I have ever thought 'you should show her the thread'. Your daughter.

I think you need to pull back and not be making such a complete unappreciated skivvy of yourself for someone who doesn't appreciate it.

Unfortunately those that have it handed to them, can forget the favour very quickly.

Be less available.
Do less.
Don't explain nor apologise.

Your daughter cares little for your happiness and is indulging her mother excessively.

It's 17 years ago.
They need to move on.

You need to go to that final for sure.

Either your daughter will understand and she can come.

she won’t understand you get fed up, take gf along, daughter has a strop but gets over it.

or above but she doesn’t get over it, removes grandchild from your club and no longer lets you have overnight once a month.

They are pretty much the options.

Now in a win win for you it’s the first option or second but are you ok if she goes for the third for a gf of only 6 months? The 5 year partner I could fully get behind going to bat like ffs she’s been my partner for 5 years get over it. But a long distance 6 monther is a risk.

You poor soul.

you have bent over backwards for these people for all of your adult life in the name of being a good father.

they are not being good to you though are they? They are only prepared to have a relationship with you on their terms and whether you like it or not your daughter is just like her mother

it’s ridiculous that your ex wife is saying your new gf is not part of the family! You should text back and say WE ARE NOT A FAMILY and YOU ARE NOT MY FAMILY

No woman worth her salt will put up with this situation going forward

Stand up to them - tell them you have sacrificed your last two relationships and that you don’t want to do that anymore

Stop fearing them.

Invite your lady and start as you mean to go on

Totally agree with this. If I was your partner I'd run a mile too.
Sorry!

If I had said I was bringing a partner to my son's wedding, she probably wouldn't have gone. Could I have done that my son? He would have probably had preferred me to stay away. Yes, that's messed up as well.

You wouldn't have been doing that to your son. Your ex would have been doing it. She's the one applying emotional blackmail. And if I were a partner of yours I would also find this very difficult. First few months of a relationship I might understand it, but after years together, when it's clear you are a couple, it would be incredibly hurtful. Time just to say your partner is your partner and your ex needs to be over it.

You've made a rod for your back especially as you have informed her, that's been taken as asking permission. If you allow partner to come you'll have a fall out now.

Next time don't talk about it, no mention of your partner and let her turn up and what will be will be.
Your ex had pulled everyone's strings because you've let her for so long.

An old phrase I heard .... Seek forgiveness not permission

You've given 17 years of your life to this emotional blackmail, don't give anymore.

Your MH, your life, your choices, all matter as much as your ex-wife's. You need to tell your children that you will no longer pander to this shit. Although after this long I can't imagine how hard that will be.
Good luck

It’s simple I’m afraid.

You tell your children - you come as a pair. The ex’s issues are the ex’s issues. nothing to do with you.

Ultimately, you may be isolated from your dc and gc, but you have to live your life with some self respect and happiness.

I had similar with an ex of a decade who became friends with my best mate sister, suddenly I wasn’t permitted to attend things she went to. I’d been a friend to the family for 20 odd years. ended after one phone call saying i couldn’t go to something I’d already been invited to.

I know it’s different because it’s kids and grandkids, but have some self respect. How badly you are treating your partners over the years because of this situation, is why they are leaving. It’s unacceptable.

How would you feel if you couldn’t go to something a long term partner was invited to, because of some issue from decades ago. Pretty shabby, once or twice you’d out a brave face on, but beyond that, it places you in the inconsequential category in your own relationship.

When you get to be happy and enjoy your life with the limits imposed by others?

I don't know your wife's mental health issues so might be able to give her a passbut your children are wrong.

Your daughter, even if not intentionally so, is manipulating and controlling you. It's nasty and unfair.

She gets all the good aspects of you, your support, your help with the kids etc. and yet she's creating barriers to your happiness. She is bing very selfish.

You need to stop tolerating it and start living life on your own terms, once and for all.

My partner has a very challenging ex and the only reason I have stayed is because he stands up to her if needed. We work by the motto accept the reasonable challenge the unreasonable.

It isn't easy, the first few instances of saying no, left tough conversations. However in the long term it has worked. There are fewer instances of selfish requests and actions.

In your situation your ex has got in your daughters ear. You need to discuss your feelings and perspective with her so she can view the situation objectively.

Your ex can't dictate your life and the people in it. Otherwise you will lose another person in all of this.