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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband with seizures having children

88 replies

PPSWife · 10/05/2023 14:51

Hi,

My husband is looking to move out as he’s having a breakdown and is suffering from severe anxiety and depression (for which he refuses to get help) In recent weeks he has started having seizures when talking about or dealing with particularly difficult issues. He denies that they are seizures and thinks it’s just fainting but I have seen his eyes roll back, body convulsing etc. He wants to have the children (4 and 3 year old) 50/50 but I don’t know if this is a good idea. Last night when he had a seizure my eldest was clearly very concerned and he also woke up screaming at night which he never does. I don’t want to keep his children from him but I also don’t know if they should be around him. He thinks having his own space will stop the “blackouts” but I don’t believe that. AIBU?

OP posts:
Blort · 10/05/2023 15:38

Dont tell him he cant have the kids if he moves out.

Help him move out then tell him. He's an absolute liability. Covertly get as much evidence you can of his drinking/seizures. Make an appointment with your GP to discuss (in the premise of asking how to help)

Get him out of your house and keep your home safe for the kids.

GodspeedJune · 10/05/2023 15:38

Are you willing to report him to the DVLA?

Redebs · 10/05/2023 15:38

PPSWife · 10/05/2023 15:17

No he’s not drink driving! He goes to the shop in the afternoon to buy alcohol and then doesn’t drive for the rest of the day!

He could still be over the limit the next day if he drinks excessively and frequently.

The seizures might be related to alcohol damage too, but regardless, he needs to be seen by a consultant, he needs to be on medication and he most definitely must not drive at all until he's been diagnosed and seizure-free for over a year.

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 10/05/2023 15:39

A lady i work with, was in a similar situation except her ex had 1 seizure when looking after their ds. Their ds had to phone 999 and an ambulance came out. He's about 8 I think. Even now he refuses to see his dad without someone being there as he is that traumatised by what he saw and how he felt when his dad had a seizure. He has problems sleeping, now sleeps with his mum and he's absolutely terrified that his mum will die. He's having to have counselling to try and unpick how badly this has affected him.

So no, there's no way I'd leave children unsupervised with him. It's not all about him, he needs to consider his children too.

BillyNoM8s · 10/05/2023 15:43

My children wouldn't be staying unsupervised with a functioning alcholic who is in the middle of a breakdown. Seizures would be the least of my concerns.

I would contemplate making an arrangement once he's sought medical help and is following their advice.

I would report him to the DVLA myself.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/05/2023 15:43

In what world would anyone let an alcoholic have 50-50 care of small children?

piglet81 · 10/05/2023 15:49

https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture_third_party_personal_information?locale=en

Take him to the GP if you can. Either way, go yourself and make sure the issue is put on record. Ask GP/heath visitor (if applicable) what you need to do to safeguard your children, and ask to be signposted to relevant support groups/agencies.

Do NOT let him look after them unsupervised.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

GOV.UK - What do you need to do?

https://contact.dvla.gov.uk/driver/capture_third_party_personal_information?locale=en

Original poster
PPSWife · 10/05/2023 15:52

I’ve tried to say that having a breakdown and drinking a lot concerns me but his response is - have I ever done anything that makes you think they are unsafe or uncared for around me? And the reality is I have nothing to point to. He functions very well around them. The seizure however clearly shows a loss a control even if it’s only momentary and its distressing for a child to witness.

OP posts:
Tinysoxx · 10/05/2023 15:59

He should not be driving. You need to notify the dvla and the GP. You cannot diagnose him - to assess for epilepsy he will need an EEG.

Theres no sugar coating it but you have got the knowledge to prevent him driving and causing an accident.

kirinm · 10/05/2023 16:02

He needs to seek medical help and urgently. How many seizures is he having? I'm epileptic and if my seizures weren't controlled and I was having them every few days then I'd not feel comfortable with my young daughter on my own.

However many years ago, I was a single parent to my then young son and had seizures. Not that frequently, perhaps once or twice a year but I was absolutely fine to care for my son.

Honestly, I'd concentrate on getting him seen and hopefully medicated.

Original poster
PPSWife · 10/05/2023 16:03

Stupid question, but can I prevent him from having access to the children without having video evidence of the seizures? We aren’t divorcing just yet so wouldn’t be involving courts right now. I don’t know how it works with separation and access arrangement

OP posts:
Flowertight · 10/05/2023 16:03

If he’s an alcoholic surely they’re alcohol induced seizures? A sign he’s on his way out if he doesn’t stop drinking pronto

Cas112 · 10/05/2023 16:03

PPSWife · 10/05/2023 15:29

I can report him but he will just deny it and claim I’m a liar so not sure what will happen then

They will cancel his licence for time being till it is investigated anyway so just do it

kirinm · 10/05/2023 16:04

I doubt you can force anything. And why would you want to? There's no reason he shouldn't see the children at all.

Original poster
PPSWife · 10/05/2023 16:08

@kirinm There isn’t anyone he would agree to supervising the contact. But I will tell him that’s the only option I will consider.

OP posts:
elm26 · 10/05/2023 16:09

My Mum is/was a "functioning alcoholic" I say was because her body is now shutting down.

There is no way on earth I'd leave my DD with her for half hour on her own even when she's "sober" as she's still got lots of alcohol in her system from the night before, let alone if she was having seizures too. I know she would never deliberately harm DD, the same as you know your Husband would never deliberately hurt your children but as parents, it's our job to protect them physically and emotionally.

What would happen if your Husband was drinking, had a seizure and your child/children found them and didn't know who to call or what to do? What if he died in front of them?

On top of that, he's having a breakdown.

I agree with others, you need to protect your children and also try and protect others by reporting him to DVLA and police. If he hit and killed anyone, you'd never forgive yourself for not speaking up BUT that's all you can do, report and look after your kids, you're not responsible for his actions.

TheCatterall · 10/05/2023 16:26

@PPSWife get advice from everyone. A solicitor, women’s aid, GP… everyone. An alcoholic with these episodes should not be in charge of children.

what if the kids stress him out whilst driving… what if he has an episode then.

or when they are in the bath..

no way would I let an alcoholic - functioning or not have access to my children on their own.

Beseen22 · 10/05/2023 16:28

This is insane. How long does his seizures last? Does he have a drowsy phase after he comes out of it? Does it happen when he hasn't had a drink in a while?

Has all this breakdown and seizure activity just started recently? Is his behaviour erratic? Is he making sense or do you think he is a bit confused? I absolutely would not have the kids in his care and to be honest if this was all a brand new change to his normal behaviour I would be speaking to doctor and seeing if he needed to be brought in to hospital even if he isn't agreeing.

Original poster
PPSWife · 10/05/2023 16:37

The seizures last a minute. Started a week or two ago. No drowsiness after but there is a headache. The breakdown has been slow and going on for a year but has got really bad since the start of this year. Behaviour is fine outside the seizures and theres nothing that could justify sectioning, No confusion or erratic behaviour. Clearly depressed as he only wants to stay home and watch tv but will push himself to help out at home now I’ve told him he can’t leave everything to me. Also has panic attacks every night. He claims moving out will fix all of this, so that’s why he doesn’t need a doctor. I’m very skeptical about that.

OP posts:
kirinm · 10/05/2023 16:40

How many seizures has he had?

monsteramunch · 10/05/2023 16:41

So are you going to report his seizures to the DVLA, police and his GP? I really hope so.

Dangerous drivers ruin people's lives. Mine was shattered and will never be the same again thanks to people like your husband who drive when they are not safe to.

He's having regular seizures - he could easily have one behind the wheel.

That's even ignoring the potential drink driving if he may also be over the limit.

What a selfish man he is. He might not be driving with your children in the car but he's putting the general public's lives at risk by driving when he has ongoing, untreated seizures.

Are you going to report his seizures today?

KeysAndBags · 10/05/2023 16:42

Wtf.

Someone with alcohol dependence should not be in sole charge of kids.

He has three potential causes for his seizures:
alcohol withdrawal
psychogenic
epilepsy

They all could kill someone if he is driving. Including himself.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 10/05/2023 16:51

How frequent are these seizures? He really, really needs to see a doctor to rule out a sinister cause.

CatChase · 10/05/2023 17:17

It sounds like the seizures might be linked to his breakdown. I know they can come from PTSD. Is there any signs that he's suffering from that? Given what you've posted they sound non-epileptic in nature, whether that be from the breakdown or alcohol issues would need investigating. https://epilepsysociety.org.uk/about-epilepsy/what-epilepsy/non-epileptic-seizures

Non-epileptic seizures and dissociative seizures | Epilepsy Society

Non-epileptic seizures (NES) or dissociative seizures may look similar to epileptic seizures but...

https://epilepsysociety.org.uk/about-epilepsy/what-epilepsy/non-epileptic-seizures

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