To be socially excluded constantly

[Puddle23]

I don't really know where to start but essentially I just wanted to offload as I feel so fed up! Have two DDs, both lovely fun girls. Have posted threads before saying neither get many playdates or party invites. Have done all I can to immerse our family in the school and village community - been to every school event, village events, the girls take part in after school activities, we have the DDs friends over for playdates, done whole class parties, I've been to every class drinks each term.
I'm chatty and friendly to all on the school run, I dislike any behaviour that excludes anyone so am very conscious to chat to other parents and try to encourage my DDs to be inclusive and not leave other children out.
However I have found over the last few years that we are less and less involved socially with people I thought were good friends. I have felt one mum in particular has been socially engineering a friend group for her children, which has meant leaving my DD out, even though they were all friends for years before. I understand friend groups change and drift but it's the whispering and then the bragging about sleepovers and playdates to my DD and actually to me as well that is very upsetting. They are all 9/10 years old so I feel they know their words will upset my DD and can't help feel it's deliberate.
This has now spread out to our entire family being left out of social events that we used to be invited to.
And I can see it now starting with my youngest too.
I just feel so sad and completely lost as to why, I genuinely think we're a nice, kind family but I'm obviously missing something, and the thought of staying in this village for years to come makes me so miserable, suggested we moved to DH but not really practical. Not really looking for advice just needed to let it all out :(

That's so sad! It seems to be the way of village life, in my experience. I grew up in one, but brought my children up in a small town, which was much nicer. I'd never go back!

Thank you for your reply, it is really sad, I am of the mindset that children choose their friends and thought this would happen naturally as they got older, but the opposite seems to be happening, parents more involved than ever at organising playdates and sleepovers. I do relish a move and a chance to start afresh! Glad you had a happier experience in a small town :)

Let's face it, the whole idea of playdates etc is weird from the get-go. Remember when you just went over to your friend's, knocked on the door and asked if they could come out to play? This whole parental uber-control thing is actually dreadful for kids; how on earth did it get this way?

So sorry to hear that. You'll probably never know why, that's the frustrating part. It's strange that parents are orchestrating their children's friendships - I'm sure that can't last much longer as they get older and they may find their own way.

I wonder (hope this isn't offensive) but is there something about DH that might put people off a bit that you might not have realised? I had a neighbour and the dad was a nice guy but was very strange socially, made stupid jokes and went off on wierd tangents. They struggled making couple friends and many parents avoided them at the school gates.

Oh gosh this is awful OP. Why are people like this?

We had this kind of think so I know what you're going through, OP, and I do sympathise. I'm glad my children are now adults and all this stuff is in the past!

I think people choose friends for a number of reasons - most people like to have friends who are exciting and 'glamorous' or cool. Being nice and kind is not usually a guarantee of popularity, especially among youngsters - in fact, I would say, rather the opposite! In secondary schools particularly mean girls (or boys - but I have no experience of that..) never seem short of friends.

A friend's very perceptive daughter put it brilliantly when she said 'You know - the popular people that nobody likes'. A lot of the hangers-on of these queen bees know they're not very nice, but for all kinds of reasons (status, fear of becoming the outcast/victim) they prefer them to the nice, kind, uncomplicated types. Sad comment on human nature, I guess!

A friend's very perceptive daughter put it brilliantly when she said 'You know - the popular people that nobody likes'. A lot of the hangers-on of these queen bees know they're not very nice, but for all kinds of reasons (status, fear of becoming the outcast/victim) they prefer them to the nice, kind, uncomplicated types. Sad comment on human nature, I guess!

This, being popular is not necessarily the same as being well liked.

I think you sound lovely OP.

For whatever reason they have decided that your face doesn't fit. I live in a small town and I'm glad as it gives you some anonymity. Maybe you should seriously consider a move. Villages are all well and good if you've been accepted into the inner circle but they seem to be on a bit of a mission to exclude you. Maybe you've tried too hard? Maybe the queen bee thinks you're angling to take the top spot? God knows, it's all so petty and ridiculous.

When my youngest started school I felt like I had to do certain things to be accepted by other mums to ensure that he had friends! It sounds mad writing that down.

Anyway over time I realised how silly I was being because I hated all the fakeness that came with it. Playground politics are just awful and there's plenty of it going around with people falling out and being excluded.

Quite frankly I just don't give a shit any more and I stay well out of it. There are a couple of mums that I genuinely like and our kids are friends. Other than that I have nothing to do with any of the others aside from pleasantries.

Are there any other mums that are on the outer circle that you could get to know a bit better?

If they are 9/10 now they're going off to secondary school fairly soon and parents are far less involved IME. They tend to make their own plans/arrangements and you have little to do with it. So much easier.

Thank you everyone for your comments and support, it's really helpful just writing it all down and seeing how absolutely ridiculous it all is, and just accepting that my/our face just doesn't fit with people we were once friends with and moving on.

This was exactly my experience when my DD was young. She was (is) a lovely, kind, straightforward person who had a large friendship group for a few years. Then parents, and one in particular who was a friend of mine too, got involved and started "engineering" her friends and meet ups.

The good news is, that after a couple of years of upset for my DD, she started secondary school and eventually "found her tribe".

However we live in a large urban area. If the pool of potential friends where you live is small, and if it's possible, then yes I'd move. Small villages are notorious for being clannish in my experience.

Clannish that is such a great description! I'm hoping the move to secondary school will be really positive for my DD, lots of different types of friendships to be made, and people with similar outlook and interests to her, not that I want to wish the next few years of primary away.

I think things scale back naturally as children get older. They gravitate to their own friends and will soon be making their own plans.
I do wonder if you are coming across as too full on so people step back.
I run an activity group for and there’s one mum who is just stands out. It’s hard to explain without being outing but repeatedly making inappropriate comments on group chat, treating children as younger than they are, quite high handed, bit snobbish. She’s a nice woman and well meaning but socially out of step.

I'd move.

You sound lovely.

The joys of being the village outsider, it’s been like it for years, that’s y most wouldn’t move to a village.

So sorry, sounds horrible. We have a mother like this locally. Can your daughter join some after school/weekend clubs in the bigger villages that are in the catchment for the Secondary? Riding, skating, drama, find out whatever sports are played at the new school and get into a training camp for these - it is going to be a lot cheaper than moving and will distract her.

Are your family socially excluded by everyone, or just by the in crowd? Often the things you describe result when people 'aspire' for want of a better word, to be in the group percieved as top of the social heirarchy and overlook other 'lower status' people as potential friends. Its very rare that anyone is excluded by everyone, so could you cast your net wider?

I'm sorry you and your family are experiencing this OP as you seem lovely and kind. Other posters have given some good suggestions, I don't have anything new to offer, just wanted to post to offer support and hope you find a solution.

Remember when you just went over to your friend's, knocked on the door and asked if they could come out to play? This whole parental uber-control thing is actually dreadful for kids; how on earth did it get this way?

@YDBear I agree some mums use their DD as social chattel to move up the class hierarchy.

*DC

You could be trying too hard, OP. You sound like you are bending over backwards to include and being included and it may come across as desperation. People who are working very hard to be included in a group give off a certain vibe which can make others feel uncomfortable.

I've often found in life that the less you try with people, the more they seem to embrace you. The less you care, the easier things will be. I know it sounds easier than it is but it's something you should try to work on. Fake it until you make it.

Thank you that's really kind and I really appreciate it.

True I could be, I feel like it's the opposite though and that it's my lack of constantly working on social plans week in week out to try and keep in step with everyone else, but that's very exhausting.

I will definitely try and care less if possible

DD went to a secondary school in a village and it was just like this. She barely made any friends, parents didn't speak to us, some visibly turned their noses up at us. DS chose to go to one in the city to avoid such drama. Madness that parents are like this.

Thank you so much