To be socially excluded constantly

[Puddle23]

I don't really know where to start but essentially I just wanted to offload as I feel so fed up! Have two DDs, both lovely fun girls. Have posted threads before saying neither get many playdates or party invites. Have done all I can to immerse our family in the school and village community - been to every school event, village events, the girls take part in after school activities, we have the DDs friends over for playdates, done whole class parties, I've been to every class drinks each term.
I'm chatty and friendly to all on the school run, I dislike any behaviour that excludes anyone so am very conscious to chat to other parents and try to encourage my DDs to be inclusive and not leave other children out.
However I have found over the last few years that we are less and less involved socially with people I thought were good friends. I have felt one mum in particular has been socially engineering a friend group for her children, which has meant leaving my DD out, even though they were all friends for years before. I understand friend groups change and drift but it's the whispering and then the bragging about sleepovers and playdates to my DD and actually to me as well that is very upsetting. They are all 9/10 years old so I feel they know their words will upset my DD and can't help feel it's deliberate.
This has now spread out to our entire family being left out of social events that we used to be invited to.
And I can see it now starting with my youngest too.
I just feel so sad and completely lost as to why, I genuinely think we're a nice, kind family but I'm obviously missing something, and the thought of staying in this village for years to come makes me so miserable, suggested we moved to DH but not really practical. Not really looking for advice just needed to let it all out :(

I suppose the way I'd describe is we are friendly with everyone, will chat with a lot of different parents but in terms of social invitations these are few and far between, but from what I hear and observe groups within the parents we chat to do meet up socially and I was just feeling sad that we seem to never quite make that cut, and in a particular group where I thought we had we have slowly been less involved. That in turn makes me quite hesitant to reach out and make plans with people and then the whole thing becomes this cycle of overthinking, which has been helped hugely by just chatting in here ☺️

What are your secondary school options? It might be a positive if yours go to a bigger one in town and can spread their wings to new friends.

It's a really big secondary so I think that will do them the world of good.

A PP suggested activities outside the village which is also a great idea and something I'm going to look into

A neighbour once told me that they have to go out everyday to talk to people because I am solely a neighbour and not a friend. They have lived here all their life, we are incomers and only have been here a quarter of a century or so.
With regards to hangers-on behaving in certain ways to stay with the it crowd- have you ever watched Heathers?

Activities outside village is a good call. Do they do Brownies/Guides? Would enable friendships with wider group and scope for you to get involved as a volunteer if you wanted do a social side too.

I don't have this in our village, but do at school and my daughter is the same age as yours.
I had been told by friends with older children that this type of thing happened in year five and six and they have been correct from my experience. They all described a tricky period with cliques/the 'cool' girls/people being excluded etc and that very much seems to be happening. I'm lucky that it doesn't seem to bother DD too much, she just finds someone else to play with. In fact, it bothers me more than it seems to bother her.
On the plus side, they all agree that this lasts for about two years and then things smooth out again, so that would probably coincide with starting secondary school as others have suggested, although at our school they usually stay until 16 so I'd attribute it to maturity etc rather than a physical change in surroundings.
I hope things ease for you soon. I know I've lost many nights' sleep worrying over such things.

You’ve had good advice - try and give fewer tosses - if socialising is work and not fun, it’s hardly worth it? We had the same experience - parent controlled/maintained friendships rarely matter long term.

we should always aim to be ourselves, otherwise aren’t we just masking?

You sound lovely OP.

This type of thing happens in cities too. I just did not bother with these alpha mum types but over time have made some lovely mum friends in a slow burning type of way.

Try watching Motherland. It highlights these awful issues of parental cliques so cleverly - and it's really funny! It might not help to change things for you, but at least you'll have a laugh.

Thank you sounds good will definitely give it a watch!!

why do you think your face doesn’t fit? I think it’s the opposite almost, people got to know you and decided they didn’t like you - they didn’t immediately write you off. I think they might not like you as your behaviour could come across as overbearing or people pleasing, or a bit of a beg for friendship?

I’ve come across people like that before and it is off-putting, I can’t shake the feeling that they’re not genuine and that they’re trying too hard. I’d prefer to socialise without them where I can be myself. I think it’s important to be polite to people, but I find it insincere when people try and be friends with everyone. Sometimes just go with the flow and let friendships happen naturally

I suppose the way I'd describe is we are friendly with everyone, will chat with a lot of different parents but in terms of social invitations these are few and far between, but from what I hear and observe groups within the parents we chat to do meet up socially

I wonder if this is the problem? I know it’s nice to include everyone but if you’re jumping from group to group you could be seen as flakey or sneaky and if one group has members the other doesn’t like for example. It’s not mature but it’s how some people work.

Agree with pps who recommend Motherland! That is a work of genius and absolutely nails the hierarchies of friendship and power among parents (mainly mothers, it has to be said). There's a real Queen Bee and they nearly all want to be her best friend, despite the way she treats them. And only the black mum (can't remember many of the names - sorry) sees through her and calls her out.

Total therapy to watch!

There's this weird period of time when your kids are in primary school, where you think it's really important to facilitate your children's friendships and be good friends with the other parents and it all seems so very important - like if you don't, your kids will never have any friends.
Then they go to secondary school and within a year or so you realise it was all complete bollocks. The women you see everyday at the primary school, you barely ever bump into once your kids start walking themselves to school! The kids make friends with people they never knew at primary, so all those carefully nurtured friendships don't always last!
And it's better for the kids when the sharp elbowed mums don't have so much influence!

You sound nice to me and honestly there's no way of knowing why socially, things don't always work out for some people in some places. Sometimes it can be a continuation of teenage bitchy behaviour where one person takes against you and takes everyone else with them. Or you come across as caring too much, which has the opposite effect of the one you want. You'll drive yourself nuts trying to figure it out - people are just strange!

Honestly, I think the happiest people are the ones who don't get too involved in village life and just do their thing with their own families and the friends that have evolved naturally in their lives!
So my advice is to care less and continue to be on polite terms and just let the rest go. Find activities for your family that are outside of village life, to get some perspective on how little these people really matter.

I’m so sorry you’ve met one of those mums. They’re such sad little twats but you will find the normal ones I promise you . It may just be harder because you don’t live in a city. Sign your DC up to sports clubs etc and meet new people if you can . You and your DC will eventually find friends who value you.

That’s a great post @ImAvingOops
OP, it really sums it all up, especially the bit about secondary school changes all.
The only thing I can add is our lives changed for the better when we left a village. Big town/small city feel style place now and it’s a much better fit for us. It may be that the culture of village life doesn’t work for you?

I agree! I don’t know what the answer is though but when we were kids we chose our own friends and ‘called on them’ to ask them to play out or come round our house. 9 is old for a play date IMO

This is such a great post and just what I needed to hear, as I think I'm worrying about all this continuing into secondary. Such great advice and words of wisdom thank you!

I just wanted to say I hear you. I’m mid thirties and really struggling with my friends. Just end up feeling used for childcare a lot of time. I had a friend last year I walked her daughter to school daily and she hasn’t spoken to me since she moved up to secondary.
It’s so painful as an adult to be shunned, I’m sure you’re lovely and they’re a bunch of tossers.

My DC is year 6 now and there definitely seems to be less and less control from parents over social groups and friendships. Lots more ‘playing out’ and knocking for people rather than play dates and the kids seems to be more independent in making their own minds up about friendships. Plus there are a few secondary school options so everyone is dispersing.

Thank you, I'm sorry you're going through something similar, i hope things improve for you soon

I came on to say this is not you. Stop torturing yourself looking for reasons, you won’t find them.
Village Queen Bee is flexing her status and muscles by showing the others she has the power to isolate you and it sounds like it is working. She will have been sowing seeds about you for a while now, distancing herself and expecting others to fall into line. They will have had chats over coffee or wine about how difficult it is, and how you are very sweet but….

I have seen this play out numerous times in our village school over the decades. It’s incredibly common.

Are any of your old friends in the group in contact now? Do you have other friends?

My best advice is to pull back, remain cool and courteous. Develop strong friendships outside of school for both you and your children. The children should aim to have home, family and activity friends so you do not have to depend on school socially.

In school there is bound to be other parents you can chat to, just focus on other people. Stop with the play dates and let others come to you, then invite them back.

You sound kind, it isn’t about kindness though. This is about adult mean girl pack mentality.

It'll be one or two queen bee mums who want to feel top of the pecking order and will have probably formed a clique.

I'd carry on being nice and true to yourself and do more out of the village and with other friends.

When I look back, the queen bees had something to prove. I've just looked back over the thread and notice others have mentioned the queen bees. I'd be less available, keep to yourself a bit and remember it is their inadequacy driving them.

Definitely cast net wider outside of the village.

It’s horrible when people aren’t inclusive! There’s no need for it.

Motherland is very well observed (and funny).