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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about “friends@ making an effort?

56 replies

TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:04

I’ve put the “friends” in quotes as I’m not even sure they are really my friends...

Anyway; I have a small group of friends that I know from school; and I just feel they never make an effort with me.

I am the only one of the group to ever host anything. Occasionally; one of them will suggest we go somewhere out, but I haven’t seen the inside of their houses for years.

They will often cancel last minute, often the morning or afternoon of an event so I’m left having spent money on food/drink/a spread for no one to show and most of it to be wasted. Excuses range from “Sorry I’m too tired”, “I’ve picked up and extra shift” and “I went out to town”

One in particular will often turn up to things I’m hosting having already eaten, despite me saying clearly that I’m going to be doing food! If I ask them to bring some drink to share they never do.

Another thing that niggles me - though DH thinks I’m being especially precious here - is that very occasionally I’ll state some form “dress code” nothing too restrictive or formal but for example I might host for Halloween and ask for fancy dress, or very occasionally I might feel like getting dressed up and host a “proper” dinner party and request on the invite more formal wear…. They always turn up in work gear / tracksuit / T shirt… I wouldn’t mind at all if they made even the smallest effort!

On Saturday I hosted afternoon tea. I invited them all and they all said they were coming. I spent three days making everything from scratch. I didn’t mind this as I love baking and cooking. I did a whole spread, and expected them at 3pm; got up early to finish off the baking, decorated the house etc. I made it clear I was putting effort in - posting pictures of my baking in the group chat and letting them know I was looking forward to seeing them… one messaged at 11 to say she’d picked up an extra shift at work. One messaged at 2pm to say she was tired so couldn’t come, shortly followed by another saying if the tired friend wasn’t coming then she wasn’t either. Finally one did show up, an hour and a half late, drunk, already eaten so didn’t want any of the spread, and could only stay for an hour as they wanted to go to a gig in town…

DH says that’s just the way the world is when you’re an adult and busy and I shouldn’t hold it against them. But I really do! Every time I say I’m never inviting them again; but I always end up giving them “one more chance”

Another potential mitigating factor here - and i’m really trying not to sound snobby here so I apologise is that we all grew up in a pretty rough area. Im the only one who went to uni, has a career etc. I’m aquatinted with the wider social circle so I’m 99.9% sure I’m the only one that ever invites them to things that aren’t “come as you are, let’s drink vodka and smoke weed” type things. I still get invited to these type of things but never go - it’s just not my thing! That said, if I did accept an invitation I’d make sure I’d honour it! Again: I only bring this up as sometimes I tell myself they don’t mean to be rude; but probably don’t “get it” when I host things sometimes.

So AIBU to things these “friends” are just a bit crap?

OP posts:
OrwellianTimes · 09/05/2023 23:07

YANBU, I think you should maybe focus your energies on friends who are interested in the same things as you. If they are into weed parties and you’re into theme parties it’s just not going to work.

EggInANest · 09/05/2023 23:10

So they want to spend time with you, have a laugh over an impromptu vodka, rather than be impressed with your ‘spread’ wearing clothes of your choice.

Accept one of the weed and vodka invites, you don’t have to get wasted and you might have a laugh.

Why should they change their hosting style to match your Mary Berry aspirations?

oh god, I am walking straight into his, aren’t I?

Nevermind31 · 09/05/2023 23:11

They don’t sound like your friends, nor are they interested. They ditch you because they had a better offer (possibly come as you are, drink vodka and have weed).
Find new friends

WandaWonder · 09/05/2023 23:13

I accept people for how they are not how I want then to be, if we are not matching I just move on, nothing against them but trying to make people fit doesn't work

summerpoolandsun · 09/05/2023 23:13

You’re different people, I think you need a new crowd

AwaaFaeHom · 09/05/2023 23:14

You spent three days cooking for people, yet you are the only one that has a career. How did you find the time?

Original poster
TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:15

I wouldn’t mind if they said they didn’t want to come to things as it wasn’t their cup of tea. I have work / hobby friends who always put the effort in.

It’s the agreeing and flaking! I’m not prepared to be around weed even if I don’t smoke it; but I go to pretty much everything else they invite me to - which is rare but does occasionally happen.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 09/05/2023 23:15

Haha - excellent OP - great effort.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/05/2023 23:16

You don't say how old you are, but most people outgrow or drift away from childhood friends - you seem very invested in them, but as if you don't have a great deal in common with them aside from the past.

Ladybug14 · 09/05/2023 23:16

They don't want to do the things you organise. They want to do weed and vodka.

No idea why they don't say 'no' before you start all the preparations (that's rude)

Try inviting them to a shots party , casual dress code, come and have fun

See what happens then

Original poster
TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:16

@AwaaFaeHom I was only at work Monday - Weds last week.

OP posts:
Sugarfree23 · 09/05/2023 23:17

Op that you be the last time I attempt to host them. Put your energy and effort into new friends.

I'd wait for one of them to suggest the next get together.

Sugarfree23 · 09/05/2023 23:18

I'll rewrite my first sentence.

Op if I was you, that would be the last time I attempted to host them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2023 23:18

I’d be a little put out if I was told what to wear to dinner at a friends house, tbh.

Original poster
TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:22

I’ve invited them for drinks before. Still get the flakyness

OP posts:
Saucepot1985 · 09/05/2023 23:23

I have had a dose of this in the past, stepped backed massively and lost lots of these so called friends, but it was for the better. Sometimes friends are there for a certain season in our life and doesn’t mean they will last forever. They don’t sound like you’re type of people any longer💗

Original poster
TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:25

@EggInANest I’m not asking them to change their hosting style they never host!

I used to go to house party’s thrown by aquantances in the same circle; but after I was offered cocaine at the last one with the host passed out in the down stairs loo and her kids upstairs in bed I decided that wasn’t my scene…

when these same friends (rarely) invite me out to see a film, eat out, go some where I always try to make it if I can.

OP posts:
AnnieSaxophone · 09/05/2023 23:36

I have this too - but remember - if they want to see you, they will make the time.

AwaaFaeHom · 10/05/2023 05:05

And you chose to spend most of your time off cooking for people that you know rarely turn up? Why would you do that?

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2023 05:12

I would stop inviting them anywhere if I were you; they’re all flaky and unreliable

Ladybug14 · 10/05/2023 05:41

TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:22

I’ve invited them for drinks before. Still get the flakyness

Then they aren't friends

They don't respect you, I'd go so far as to say they don't even like you much

Get rid of the lot of them

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 10/05/2023 05:51

What is it you're looking for? Confirmation they're rubbish friends? They are. Permission to dump them and make new friends? Absolutely go for it. Permission to be upset? I'd be upset at that happening once, let alone repeatedly. Suggestions on how to get them to change? No chance. You're flogging a dead horse.

Fiddlefall · 10/05/2023 06:05

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's extremely obvious that your friends don't like your hosting and/or you.

At first I thought it sounded like a misunderstanding or flakiness. But if you've posted your home baking and prep efforts over 3 days, and they've all made excuses or taken the piss, it's not that. It's 100% a deliberate snub from the whole group (but with last minute flakiness thrown in so as not to be totally offensive).

As you mentioned class, I will say that my husband/his whole social circle is obsessed with dinner parties and being middle class (which they are). I find this immensely tiresome as I'm not from the UK and don't really believe in a caste system. Might be projecting but they might be tired of your class aspirations too?

Alternatively if you just purely like baking etc, is there a more casual way to go about it?

Or get some new friends who are on the same page as you!

Srin · 10/05/2023 06:18

I think you have all moved on. If they like weed and vodka parties, they aren’t going to like your kind of thing. You don’t have to remain friends for life.

Wisenotboring · 10/05/2023 06:54

It sounds like you need to pull back and invest in new friends. It's painful but sometimes we need to move on.
When you do, I suggest you tone it back a bit. Dress up themes and too much fuss would put me off.