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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about “friends@ making an effort?

56 replies

TraceyTheHamster · 09/05/2023 23:04

I’ve put the “friends” in quotes as I’m not even sure they are really my friends...

Anyway; I have a small group of friends that I know from school; and I just feel they never make an effort with me.

I am the only one of the group to ever host anything. Occasionally; one of them will suggest we go somewhere out, but I haven’t seen the inside of their houses for years.

They will often cancel last minute, often the morning or afternoon of an event so I’m left having spent money on food/drink/a spread for no one to show and most of it to be wasted. Excuses range from “Sorry I’m too tired”, “I’ve picked up and extra shift” and “I went out to town”

One in particular will often turn up to things I’m hosting having already eaten, despite me saying clearly that I’m going to be doing food! If I ask them to bring some drink to share they never do.

Another thing that niggles me - though DH thinks I’m being especially precious here - is that very occasionally I’ll state some form “dress code” nothing too restrictive or formal but for example I might host for Halloween and ask for fancy dress, or very occasionally I might feel like getting dressed up and host a “proper” dinner party and request on the invite more formal wear…. They always turn up in work gear / tracksuit / T shirt… I wouldn’t mind at all if they made even the smallest effort!

On Saturday I hosted afternoon tea. I invited them all and they all said they were coming. I spent three days making everything from scratch. I didn’t mind this as I love baking and cooking. I did a whole spread, and expected them at 3pm; got up early to finish off the baking, decorated the house etc. I made it clear I was putting effort in - posting pictures of my baking in the group chat and letting them know I was looking forward to seeing them… one messaged at 11 to say she’d picked up an extra shift at work. One messaged at 2pm to say she was tired so couldn’t come, shortly followed by another saying if the tired friend wasn’t coming then she wasn’t either. Finally one did show up, an hour and a half late, drunk, already eaten so didn’t want any of the spread, and could only stay for an hour as they wanted to go to a gig in town…

DH says that’s just the way the world is when you’re an adult and busy and I shouldn’t hold it against them. But I really do! Every time I say I’m never inviting them again; but I always end up giving them “one more chance”

Another potential mitigating factor here - and i’m really trying not to sound snobby here so I apologise is that we all grew up in a pretty rough area. Im the only one who went to uni, has a career etc. I’m aquatinted with the wider social circle so I’m 99.9% sure I’m the only one that ever invites them to things that aren’t “come as you are, let’s drink vodka and smoke weed” type things. I still get invited to these type of things but never go - it’s just not my thing! That said, if I did accept an invitation I’d make sure I’d honour it! Again: I only bring this up as sometimes I tell myself they don’t mean to be rude; but probably don’t “get it” when I host things sometimes.

So AIBU to things these “friends” are just a bit crap?

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 10/05/2023 07:05

You definitely need different friends

Patchworksack · 10/05/2023 07:10

They are not your people. Make an effort (if you want to and enjoy hosting) for different friends.

Shinyandnew1 · 10/05/2023 07:10

They clearly aren’t interested so I would waste any more time on them! What other friends do you have?

Mistressofnone · 10/05/2023 07:11

From the view of the other side, I once had a girl befriend me and kept inviting me over for dinner parties. She would go to so much effort and it was lovely but she would host one almost monthly. I had different pockets of friends and a busy job. Felt so much pressure to host one back, but didn't have the money and just didn't fancy it.

I flaked out a few days before one of them and she accepted it but went nuclear on me weeks later. Talked about how I never reciprocated and that she had to book in an extra therapy session because I let her down. Maybe arrange a pub meet next time?

Wicksytricksy · 10/05/2023 07:17

I think you've grown apart and you're not all in the same place right now. It happens.

I will add that I hate going to other people's houses, you occasionally find a person who's a great host but most of the time it's a bit awkward, even if you know the person well. It's not an equal situation like going the pub or to a restaurant.

dizzydizzydizzy · 10/05/2023 07:26

Isn't this a joke? All but one PP are taking this seriously. You have dress codes come round your house!?

jackstini · 10/05/2023 07:32

You need a new group of friends

I disagree with your DH
I know plenty of people who would love coming to yours, having fabulous food, the occasional theme night etc.
It's definitely something a couple of my friend groups do
And we always bring drinks!!

Keep this lot of acquaintances for very occasional nights out (if at all!) and stop making the effort for them - they just don't appreciate it

Oaktree1233 · 10/05/2023 07:32

Why make things so difficult for yourself? See them as people only to meet at the cinema etc and never once more invite to your home. Think of all the money saved! Save your dinner party/ afternoon tea stuff for new middle class friends who will appreciate and invite back - although not necessarily. Perhaps your old friends don’t like your new middle class life and have no respect for it or maybe have envy of it.

kweeble · 10/05/2023 07:37

Make different friends! These don’t seem to care much for your soirées so I’d stop inviting them. Most people leave childhood friends behind - it will give you more time for other people.

arethereanyleftatall · 10/05/2023 07:43

You were right to put friends in quotes.

These people are not your friends in any way shape or form.

Stop hanging on your dhs word, and think for yourself!

To the poster above - yes, in many circles a dress code is normal for a dinner party.

Clusterfunk · 10/05/2023 07:46

Assuming this isn’t a wind up (dress code?!) then you’ve grown too far apart from them. I’ve cut people out of my life who do drugs, and it sounds like perhaps your friends sense a little that you have moved away from the things they enjoy, and judge them a bit for it, and the things you arrange aren’t their idea of fun. Also how often are you trying this? Once or twice a year fine, but if someone was inviting me to this sort of thing monthly I’d back right away.

Also, and I mean this in the most humoured way, nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to come you house in fancy dress 😂 We lie and say “yay that sounds like fun!” And then secretly curse you.

Curseofthenation · 10/05/2023 07:52

I voted YABU for the fact that these people clearly aren't your friends and you're bringing it on yourself. It sounds like you only bother with them as you have no one else to host your afternoon teas etc for.

It is wrong that they agree and then don't turn up, but you've had them cancel on you so many times now - do you have any self respect?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/05/2023 07:55

Do you actually like these people? Doesn’t sound like you have much in common

JustDanceAddict · 10/05/2023 07:55

Sounds like you’re completely different types of people so you need to move on. No harm in keeping in touch but I wouldn’t put the effort in. If you really want to carry on then say ‘come round for a takeaway and a drink’ and see what happens. They prob feel uncomfortable dressing up etc - I would and I’m a fully/fledged middle class comfortably off person but I hate ‘dress codes’ and I would feel pressured if someone was sending me their baking efforts, as iWould think I’d have to reciprocate in the same manner.

Also much easier to be flaky these days a WhatsApp etc. While it’s easier to keep in touch, it’s also easier to send a BS excuse whereas pre-mobiles you’d call and it’d be more cringe/effort to cancel.

ittakes2 · 10/05/2023 08:07

I think you need to read what you have written - you have different interests now.

IamnotSethRogan · 10/05/2023 08:21

The flakiness is obviously out of order, but it could be that they accept with the best intentions, then when it comes round to it, they realise they just can't face another themed afternoon tea.

That's not meant to be harsh, there's nothing wrong with you enjoying that sort of thing, but I can see why they don't.

Housenoob · 10/05/2023 08:25

How old are you?

I think maybe ditch these friends and join a knit and natter type thing

dottiedodah · 10/05/2023 08:31

Sounds like you have moved on from these guys, and dont have as much in common these days! Your parties sound great to me, and similar to a late friend who had wonderful fancy dress themes .You have been to Uni ,have a good job and are perhaps more MC these days? Your friends havent moved on in the same way.They still like getting stoned and drinking! TBH I would try and move on .Have you friends at work ,or a hobby maybe ask some folks from there ? Even if someone you have just said "Hi " to occasionally.5 or 10 years time they will still be Smoking weed and wasting their lives ,you will be a stronger position and drug free!

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2023 08:35

You have moved on, they haven’t. They are happy drinking vodka and smoking weed. You are more creative, aspirational (and probably brighter if I’m honest).

Your only crime is to try to bring them with you. Stop flogging a dead horse and find friends who fit who you actually are.

LittleMonks11 · 10/05/2023 08:40

Please find new friends OP

KimberleyClark · 10/05/2023 08:45

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's extremely obvious that your friends don't like your hosting and/or you.

So why are they accepting OP’s invites to begin with?

HairyFarnbarn · 10/05/2023 08:50

Look it’s crap that they accept your invites and then don’t turn up.

but, you need to accept that they don’t enjoy your idea of hosting (dress codes and afternoon teas) in the same way you don’t enjoy the vodka and weed parties.

you need to either find some middle ground, or make new friends that you have more in common with.

stop flogging a dead horse and also be a bit more self aware - getting together as friends as adults shouldn’t involve effort like enforced dressing up.

they probably agree to go so as not to hurt your feelings. Then once one drops out they don’t want to be left alone with this enforced ‘fun’.

Endlesssummer2022 · 10/05/2023 08:50

I think you’ve grown apart and to be honest your events do seem a little formal. Your friends may feel awkward and like they can’t properly relax at yours.

FlamingoQueen · 10/05/2023 09:03

They are not your friends.

Tellmeimcrazy · 10/05/2023 09:20

Sorry OP it all sounds a little uptight. All the photos etc maybe it's too much pressure. That said I think you guys have grown apart - you need new friends. What they are doing is disrespectful. I think you'll find there is a group chat that you're not included in.

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