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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Panicking a lot that this will mean DS is going to be very, very difficult

101 replies

polloi · 09/05/2023 21:20

I am a first time mum and have been on my own with ds since he was 4 weeks old. Had no contact with the father since. This is relevant because father’s absence has had no impact on my ability to cope with ds who is now 9 months. I expected to be unable to manage.

Before anyone comments that this is a ‘stealth boast’ as I’ve seen referred to on here before, I can assure you that it is not. This is a real concern I have especially now it looks like I am bringing ds up alone.

He sleeps, wakes only briefly in the night and settles within a few minutes. He’s had one evening ever of crying longer than 30 minutes. We were out on a walk today and an elderly couple began chatting. They kept saying they couldn’t believe how placid he was, asking me if he was always like this and it was so unusual. He was just looking round, unfazed.

He does cry sometimes but it’s brief. There is eye contact but sometimes he will ignore me completely. I might show him
something on a walk and it seems like he doesn’t know I am there. I can leave him to play for 20 minutes without him seeking attention.

Have I done something wrong? I hear so many stories of babies being tricky and crying a lot and developing needs for certain toys etc but ds isn’t like that. He will go with the flow and I have googled it over and over and I keep being told that basically he will have issues as he grows and be extremely hard to manage. On an emotional level I am not ok at the moment and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I end up having to manage a very difficult child on my own. I can’t relax at all as I feel he is just too laid back and suddenly he’s going to get bigger and like Google says, massive difficulties will start. Has anyone got experience of this and how I can prepare? I feel so alone and worried maybe I have caused this as I didn’t go out much after the break up with ds’s dad.

OP posts:
AuntieJune · 10/05/2023 07:17

You're worrying too much about the future. You can only deal with the here and now. If he's a handful in future, you'll deal with it then. This is your child, you just need to love him and stay the course.

sashagabadon · 10/05/2023 07:20

My baby was like this and now a relaxed teen.

Lcb123 · 10/05/2023 07:22

Please do yourself a favour and stop googling. He sounds fine - there’s no way to predict his future. If you have concerns speak to health visitor or GP

itsgettingweird · 10/05/2023 07:22

My ds was the most placid baby and toddler.

We still joke now he didn't land on planet earth until he was about 8!!!

He's still the most placid person ever! Very hard working and dedicated to the things he loves, extremely kind and thoughtful with the most amazing level of empathy.

I'm very laid back so think some of that's personality but not to the extent he is - he's definitely far more empathetic than I am 🤣

Jerrfurl · 10/05/2023 07:26

Sounds like my DS as a baby, he was very placid and passive. Lovely company on his own but struggled at primary school and was diagnosed with autism aged 8. He is an adult now and cannot live independently.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 10/05/2023 07:30

I had one like this, I took them to the GP because he wasn’t like his siblings. He cried for milk and if he needed a nappy change and that was it. He fed well and slept well but I convinced myself that something was wrong.
Turned out that he was just super chilled. He’s now a very chilled adult.

You sound like you are doing a great job. Don’t panic.

WellTidy · 10/05/2023 07:31

If it’s autism you’re thinking about, then 9 months is too early for anyone to diagnose. I have two DSs with ASD. One was a high needs baby, and quite hard work. The other was really easy, placid, and couldn’t have been more different. Each have ASD.

But there are more neurotypical children than neurodiverse. Please don’t let the worry stop you enjoying the easy baby you have for now.

Namechangenoidea · 10/05/2023 07:36

My first was exactly like this. I never had a single sleepless night. My baby never cried. He would sleep through the night from hospital I even called the doctor asking should I wake him. He never cried, if he was hungry he would just move his arms really fast and make a grunting noise. He was always happy to be on his own and could last hours without seeking my attention.

He is a perfectly fine 9 year old. He is a complete snuggle bug. No concerns what so ever. I was just extremely lucky!! I didn’t feel it at the time- convinced there was something wrong with him.

The eye contact thing as well, up close you wouldn’t be able to get eye contact, from a distance you could. His eye contact is normal now.

waterlego · 10/05/2023 07:44

Don’t look for problems where there aren’t any. My DS was like this. He slept and ate well and rarely cried. He found his own sleep/feed schedule and you could set your watch by it. He never had a tantrum as a toddler. He is 15 now and still very chilled out. Still sleeps and eats well! He’s gentle and content and lovely- it’s just his personality.

Mumto1boyo · 10/05/2023 07:52

Google tells me that Chris Evans is one of the sexiest men alive...sometimes Google is a load of bollocks.

ShowOfHands · 10/05/2023 07:59

I don't know that this thread will help because, as you admit, there's more going on for you than generalised parenting concerns. Some 9 month olds will be like yours and will have something else going on in the background and many won't. I've known two very happy and placid babies. Both nearly adults now and so so different.

Keep an open dialogue with your health visitor, keep loving and raising your wonderful child and seek appropriate support and help for yourself.

You will be okay. It feels like you won't because of the other stuff.

EggInANest · 10/05/2023 08:01

OP, do you talk to him and play with him lots? Little games of ‘boo!’ , clapping songs etc? Does he play with his toys?

No reason to view being chilled and a good sleeper as a sign of trouble ahead, though it is normal for two year olds to start developing a will that is greater than their skill level, shall we say.

Just keep up the interaction and games.

Sleepimpossible · 10/05/2023 08:03

One of my children was exactly like this as a baby, it was simply his personality. He is now a very chilled, and all round lovely adult. If you continue to be worried, then do speak to your health visitor or GP, but as I’ve said, one of mine was just like this and all was and is, well.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 10/05/2023 08:04

He sounds amazing... but if you have worries/concerns I would run it by your health visitor x

goldenlocks · 10/05/2023 08:07

You need to speak to the health visitor. Do they not do milestones checks anymore? Lack of eye contact sounds a bit concerning but may be nothing! Seek professional advice. Good luck. And amazoing for raising a baby singlehandedly, that is not easy!

JenniferBarkley · 10/05/2023 08:51

OP, this is at least the second time I've read this exact thread recently.

Please speak to your GP about your anxiety. You're doing a great job, it's a huge amount of work on your own and it's natural to be anxious, but this level of worry about the future is too much. You'll feel so much better if you can get the anxiety under control Flowers

(Oh and my happy placid baby is more than finding her voice as a two year old! I do think she's pretty sunny and relaxed in nature though, I think she'll be one of those people who always have good luck and are liked by everyone.)

OrlandointheWilderness · 10/05/2023 09:28

Don't worry about things that haven't happened yet. Chances are, he is just happy and easy going!

Brittl · 10/05/2023 09:28

SunsetBeauregarde · 10/05/2023 07:03

I could have written this last year (in fact, I think I posted something very similar at the time! Grin)

My DS was exactly the same. Slept well, would happily sit where you put him and play with anything around him. Very rarely looked up for attention and most worryingly of all, never made any attempt to roll over, crawl or move at all although he could sit up. Meanwhile my friends little boy was crawling, following her round etc. I was so worried.

DS is 2 now, he never crawled, he suddenly walked at 11 months (although couldn’t stand himself up until about 15 months). He still concentrated on tasks, prefers puzzles to running around and at 26 months you could hold a full conversation with him in complete sentences. He’s mega easy going 90% of the time but he’s 2 so has proper meltdown tantrums like every other 2 year old.

Im not bragging, but he’s incredibly bright. He understands so much more than other kids his age who are more boisterous and active. He does struggle a bit socially with kids his age but he’s fine with slightly older children.

All this to say put google down, they’re all totally different and although I was as worried as you are now, what I wish I’d done is stopped worrying and just enjoyed my kid for who he is.

My DD was talking lots at 2 and now at 10 she's really emotionally mature for her age. She understands so much its actually quite scary. The problem with this is they seek peers who are older to be on the same level but if you talk to them about the dangers of that it's fine. One of DDs closest friends is 12 nearly 13 .

Rockingcloggs · 10/05/2023 09:34

My son was like this as a baby, I didn't have one single sleepless night with him ever he would wake to be fed at 2am and go straight back to sleep.

Growing up, he would entertain himself if I was getting on with something and when we went on a walk he would just sit looking round listening to me rabbling on!!

He is turning 12 in October and he has never given me a single bit of trouble! He'll give it the odd eye roll when he's tired but that's about the extent of it. Of course he could be a terrible teen but I'll cross that bridge when we get to it!

It sounds like you're doing brilliantly and you're doubting yourself because you're not finding it soooo difficult like we're told we will!

VestaTilley · 10/05/2023 09:43

YABU. At his age it’s far too early to know what his personality is or what he’ll be like when he’s older. Take it easy on yourself and just enjoy these early days.

Well done you on managing on your own.

febrezeme · 10/05/2023 09:44

Honestly they can change so much and so quickly at that age - a 4 week old baby could be a dream and a week later a nightmare.
But take the wind when and where and how you can OP

DancedByTheLightOfTheMoon · 10/05/2023 09:45

Just enjoy your baby OP, stop over thinking.
My two are much older now, can't even remember that stage to be honest. Think my eldest was more chilled than youngest, but all babies are different. You just have to work with what you've got, and you sound fortunate at this stage that things are going well. The toddler stage could be different, boys have a lot of energy and can be viewed in a negative light by others, but take each stage as it comes. Mine are 17 and 21 now, and you never stop worrying, eldest is sociable, youngest a hermit, but both are happy, that's the main thing.

fridaynight1 · 16/08/2023 09:03

I would say that many, if not most babies are like yours.

You read about the crying, unsettled, non sleepers on a site like this because this is the place parents come for advice.

Conversely, parents of smiling, happy babies aren’t going to be asking for advice so much.

ladygindiva · 16/08/2023 19:13

DC 1 was a contented baby who slept loads, 12 hrs through the night at a ridiculously young age, really easy baby. Became an easy toddler, then a well behaved child, teenage years were fine, and is now an easygoing young adult. I've literally never had a moment's stress from her. It can happen. Before anyone hates me, she was followed by twins who were a fucking nightmare in every way imaginable 🤣

Regholdsworthswaterbed · 16/08/2023 19:36

My DD was the 'perfect' baby. Now aged 12 she's a total drama queen (still love her to bits though). My son on the other hand was a shit sleeper and really whiney toddler. He's 11 now and a hilarious cool dude.