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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Panicking a lot that this will mean DS is going to be very, very difficult

101 replies

polloi · 09/05/2023 21:20

I am a first time mum and have been on my own with ds since he was 4 weeks old. Had no contact with the father since. This is relevant because father’s absence has had no impact on my ability to cope with ds who is now 9 months. I expected to be unable to manage.

Before anyone comments that this is a ‘stealth boast’ as I’ve seen referred to on here before, I can assure you that it is not. This is a real concern I have especially now it looks like I am bringing ds up alone.

He sleeps, wakes only briefly in the night and settles within a few minutes. He’s had one evening ever of crying longer than 30 minutes. We were out on a walk today and an elderly couple began chatting. They kept saying they couldn’t believe how placid he was, asking me if he was always like this and it was so unusual. He was just looking round, unfazed.

He does cry sometimes but it’s brief. There is eye contact but sometimes he will ignore me completely. I might show him
something on a walk and it seems like he doesn’t know I am there. I can leave him to play for 20 minutes without him seeking attention.

Have I done something wrong? I hear so many stories of babies being tricky and crying a lot and developing needs for certain toys etc but ds isn’t like that. He will go with the flow and I have googled it over and over and I keep being told that basically he will have issues as he grows and be extremely hard to manage. On an emotional level I am not ok at the moment and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I end up having to manage a very difficult child on my own. I can’t relax at all as I feel he is just too laid back and suddenly he’s going to get bigger and like Google says, massive difficulties will start. Has anyone got experience of this and how I can prepare? I feel so alone and worried maybe I have caused this as I didn’t go out much after the break up with ds’s dad.

OP posts:
lacucarachaaa · 09/05/2023 21:51

Does remind me of my ds with asd. But as you can see there's lots of others above with nt children who have been the same. Far too early to tell much of anything op. Just chill and well done for doing it all on your own.

Whatabouteverything · 09/05/2023 21:53

Omg OP seriously? He's 9 months old and sounds perfect. Stop googling.

Make an appointment with your GP regarding post natal depression- sounds like you're suffering.

Lifeisgood1 · 09/05/2023 21:56

My 2nd oldest was like that. He's now a chilled out easy going 15 year old. Enjoy!

Singleandproud · 09/05/2023 21:58

I found being a single parents extremely easy because my DD is very similar to your DC. I think it has a lot to do with only having one carer, one set of rules/routines. Although the logistics can be challenging you don't feel resentful at a partner that swans off all weekend for their hobby leaving you with you child, you know it's just you and plan accordingly so you are less stressed and baby's pick upon that.

My DD also has autism but that didn't start to challenge her until she started high school. It doesn't make her challenging at all her autism effects her in terms of struggling with loud noises and getting all peopled out quickly so factoring in quiet, solo rest breaks and noi cancelling headphones are a winner, and life as just the two of us man we have a natural rhythm and natural routine which helps her.

You can not worry about a future that hasn't happened. Enjoy your DC now, love him and be kind and he will pick those things up from you, be consistent and have appropriate boundaries so he feels safe and knows his limits. Teach him to get out of his comfort zone and build resilience and you will both weather any storm that comes your way.

Singleandproud · 09/05/2023 21:59

Apologies for the typos, my keyboard seems to have a life of its own tonight.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 09/05/2023 22:02

Our middle was like this.

Been a dream ever since and she's 8 now!

Count yourself lucky.

squashyhat · 09/05/2023 22:02

Google is a search engine. It can't tell you anything. The sources of information you access through it may be reliable or total hogwash. I would step away from the Internet and trust your instincts.

SnackSizeRaisin · 09/05/2023 22:04

You sound really worried. I would definitely speak to you health visitor - they can reassure you about the range of normal behaviour in 9 month olds.

Also do you go to any baby groups? I would see if there are any church baby groups or anything in the library or children's centre near you. It may help you to see other mums and babies.

I wouldn't pay any heed to random strangers offering their opinions though!

ladygindiva · 09/05/2023 22:05

He sounds like my first DC who was so unbelievably easy and self sufficient I thought there was something wrong with her. There wasn't . She's now 25, with a degree, social life, career, etc, loving life. Fwiw she was always easy at every age but never overtly affectionate or tactile. Interestingly, my youngest was the opposite as a baby,, loved to be held, really needy and responsive and talked very early etc and she's on the pathway to an autism diagnosis.

GertrudeofFlanders · 09/05/2023 22:11

My only child was a very easy, happy baby who slept through almost immediately, and continued to do so, was a happy tantrum-free toddler and an easy little boy. He’s now a pretty easy-going, gentle 17 year old. It’s just how he was, I consider myself very lucky and I stopped at one baby because I was too scared the next one might be different!

Trinity65 · 09/05/2023 22:12

Aww don't worry OP,. your boy is doing fine.

My now 32 year old DS was how you describe your son. Easy going and laid back. He is exactly the same as the Man he is now.

AFingerofFudge · 09/05/2023 22:19

It's too early to read anything "serious" into his behaviour. DS1 was like this, ultra chilled, easy going, didn't cry, all that stuff. He's 23 now and is still ultra laid back and easy going, it's just his personality, nothing I have or haven't done.

ChopperC110P · 09/05/2023 22:21

Think you’ve been blessed with a calm baby. Enjoy. It has no bearing on how they transform when they hit the terrible twos though!

QueefQueen80s · 09/05/2023 22:40

My very easy baby is now a very easy 9 year old.
My harder baby is now a very easy 6 year old.

Aria2015 · 09/05/2023 22:48

This reminds me of a post I made about 7 years ago, worrying that my lo was ‘too good’ for similar reasons you've mentioned. Fantastic sleeper, never cried, very content etc... Lots of people commented how lucky I was, but with the implication that it was unusual. It continued into the toddler years, no tantrums and was very placid and compliant. Again, lots of comments. Nearly 8 now and he's fine. When he turned 4, he started to push back on some boundaries and be a ‘typical’ young child and it was a shock to the system! We’re very similar in personality and I have wondered if that meant that I subconsciously was good at anticipating and meeting his needs when he was a very young? Or maybe I was just lucky! He was a little dream though and I treasure those years. Try not to worry and just enjoy your lo.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/05/2023 22:51

Our grandson was the same until about 12 months. At nearly 3, the sleep has slipped a bit and he’s much more lively but still the same lovely person.

Sweetapplestrudel · 09/05/2023 22:55

Singleandproud · 09/05/2023 21:58

I found being a single parents extremely easy because my DD is very similar to your DC. I think it has a lot to do with only having one carer, one set of rules/routines. Although the logistics can be challenging you don't feel resentful at a partner that swans off all weekend for their hobby leaving you with you child, you know it's just you and plan accordingly so you are less stressed and baby's pick upon that.

My DD also has autism but that didn't start to challenge her until she started high school. It doesn't make her challenging at all her autism effects her in terms of struggling with loud noises and getting all peopled out quickly so factoring in quiet, solo rest breaks and noi cancelling headphones are a winner, and life as just the two of us man we have a natural rhythm and natural routine which helps her.

You can not worry about a future that hasn't happened. Enjoy your DC now, love him and be kind and he will pick those things up from you, be consistent and have appropriate boundaries so he feels safe and knows his limits. Teach him to get out of his comfort zone and build resilience and you will both weather any storm that comes your way.

You can not worry about a future that hasn't happened. Enjoy your DC now, love him and be kind and he will pick those things up from you, be consistent and have appropriate boundaries so he feels safe and knows his limits. Teach him to get out of his comfort zone and build resilience and you will both weather any storm that comes your way.

Such gorgeous and wise words!

organisedbrood · 09/05/2023 23:09

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 09/05/2023 21:37

He was just looking round, unfazed.

He does cry sometimes but it’s brief. There is eye contact but sometimes he will ignore me completely. I might show him something on a walk and it seems like he doesn’t know I am there. I can leave him to play for 20 minutes without him seeking attention.

IME this is fairly unusual for a 9mo and I would wonder about autism or other SEN. But clearly it's also within the bounds of normal. Most importantly I'm sure you haven't caused anything - your baby just is who he is.

I think children certainly have varied personalities, and one of mine (primary school aged) has consistently required much less from me than the other. Not anything like as chilled as this though.

My thoughts exactly. I have 3 boys on the spectrum and this all sounds very familiar.

JussathoB · 09/05/2023 23:25

Please stop googling things and take your baby to see your GP or health visitor. They should be able to look at the baby and interact with him, and discuss your concerns with you. If needed they can refer your DC for further assessment.

Summerfun54321 · 09/05/2023 23:29

It's all pot luck what kind of child you end up with. Just relax and enjoy it for now.

trebarwith1 · 09/05/2023 23:30

Ahh I had to reply to you as I raised my son on my own too and really worried about it.he was hhe most contented and happy little baby, and at about 15 months he found his voice and bloody hell the toddler years have been a challenge at times! You know what though, you will get through it just fine if that's what happens, and your lovely little boy will still be there,he will just need some guidance to control his emotions. Take things day by day and enjoy the lovely bits and the challenges as they arrive. There is always gin for the tough days!

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 23:34

My babies never cried much either because I tended to them when they called. Are you very responsive to your son? I remember going to a mother-baby group with my first. Everyone was talking about how many hours a day their babies cried. Lucky I was sat next to a woman who was the only one besides me whose baby didn't really cry. We almost felt like we had to make up an exaggerated number. Having each other meant we didn't and were honest that our babies seldom cried, and we just laughed it off because of picking up our babies straight away.

My experience of my children is that their personalities have been fairly consistent through life. Two were more placid than the rest and they were always very easy going.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/05/2023 23:34

He sounds just like our friends’ son. The usual dread of having to see a small or medium sized baby ( we don’t have any of our own) was missing with him , he just gurgled and smiled. He was pretty charming as a child, too.

He’s an opera singer now!

Aberteifi · 09/05/2023 23:36

Sounds exactly like my first baby he was a very quiet baby who slept through the night at 6 weeks and never really cried
He is 25 now and is still a calm nice person who never caused me any trouble throughout his childhood and teenage years that was and is his personality.
my next 4 children turned out to be monsters 😂so I just got lucky with the first😃

VivatReginaPhalanges · 09/05/2023 23:39

OP, I think the thing to focus on is this: "On an emotional level I am not ok at the moment and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I end up having to manage a very difficult child on my own. I can’t relax at all". Talk to your GP or health visitor/maternal child health nurse and tell them this. They will support you and things will get so much easier for you.