Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Panicking a lot that this will mean DS is going to be very, very difficult

101 replies

polloi · 09/05/2023 21:20

I am a first time mum and have been on my own with ds since he was 4 weeks old. Had no contact with the father since. This is relevant because father’s absence has had no impact on my ability to cope with ds who is now 9 months. I expected to be unable to manage.

Before anyone comments that this is a ‘stealth boast’ as I’ve seen referred to on here before, I can assure you that it is not. This is a real concern I have especially now it looks like I am bringing ds up alone.

He sleeps, wakes only briefly in the night and settles within a few minutes. He’s had one evening ever of crying longer than 30 minutes. We were out on a walk today and an elderly couple began chatting. They kept saying they couldn’t believe how placid he was, asking me if he was always like this and it was so unusual. He was just looking round, unfazed.

He does cry sometimes but it’s brief. There is eye contact but sometimes he will ignore me completely. I might show him
something on a walk and it seems like he doesn’t know I am there. I can leave him to play for 20 minutes without him seeking attention.

Have I done something wrong? I hear so many stories of babies being tricky and crying a lot and developing needs for certain toys etc but ds isn’t like that. He will go with the flow and I have googled it over and over and I keep being told that basically he will have issues as he grows and be extremely hard to manage. On an emotional level I am not ok at the moment and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I end up having to manage a very difficult child on my own. I can’t relax at all as I feel he is just too laid back and suddenly he’s going to get bigger and like Google says, massive difficulties will start. Has anyone got experience of this and how I can prepare? I feel so alone and worried maybe I have caused this as I didn’t go out much after the break up with ds’s dad.

OP posts:
Blackbyrd · 09/05/2023 23:45

I think you should congratulate yourself on having created a secure, loving environment for your child to grow up in. Babies react instinctively to their parents emotional state, so his mellowness is a reflection of your parenting. Hopefully that will continue

Enncee · 09/05/2023 23:53

I was surprised to see so many posts saying similar, but to echo others, you've perfectly described my autistic son, as a baby. He is a toddler now and has always been much, much "easier" than my (NT) youngest who won't sleep on his own, woke at least once in the night until around 18 months and is literally FULL of mischief!

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 23:57

Enncee · 09/05/2023 23:53

I was surprised to see so many posts saying similar, but to echo others, you've perfectly described my autistic son, as a baby. He is a toddler now and has always been much, much "easier" than my (NT) youngest who won't sleep on his own, woke at least once in the night until around 18 months and is literally FULL of mischief!

Some autistic babies are placid, some are full on. Just like NT babies. It doesn't mean a thing.

Blossomtoes · 10/05/2023 00:17

Mine was the easiest baby in the world. He carried on being a delight until he hit his teens …

momager1 · 10/05/2023 00:30

our daughter was the same. easy baby that slept through the night and was always happy. She hit a goth time when she was 15. that was INTERESTING but you know what.. she turns 35 in june and is an amazing woman and mother to two of our grandkids. Sometimes easy babies/kids,, are just that. Easygoing .

Enncee · 10/05/2023 00:39

NeedCoffeeNowPlease · 09/05/2023 23:57

Some autistic babies are placid, some are full on. Just like NT babies. It doesn't mean a thing.

Show quote history

I was only mentioning similarities as others have, and it is worth bearing in mind, expecially if a parent is concerned.
I maybe noticed mine more as a lot of my son's behaviours resonated with me and I knew there was a higher chance of my children being autistic since I am.
The behaviours OP mentions can of course be nothing significant, but they can also be indicators. I don't see it as a sign to worry either way.

LiveAHappyLifeBePositive · 10/05/2023 00:40

None of mine really cried.
One was self absorbed like yours is sometimes.
All of them were easy going very chilled happy kids.

I think he’s a little young to compare him to others.
I’d see how things go but all mine are grown up, normal young men.

Piony · 10/05/2023 00:42

Talking to your HV is a good shout but please don't spiral into a worry about this. There is no "law" that a placid baby will become difficult.

Also it sounds like you are taking very seriously what a couple of random strangers said to you. I had several people assume my baby was a boy, and comment on how enormous he was. She was a petite baby girl, she never got above the 25th percentile! They were just wrong. Maybe these people were too.

Brittl · 10/05/2023 00:45

polloi · 09/05/2023 21:20

I am a first time mum and have been on my own with ds since he was 4 weeks old. Had no contact with the father since. This is relevant because father’s absence has had no impact on my ability to cope with ds who is now 9 months. I expected to be unable to manage.

Before anyone comments that this is a ‘stealth boast’ as I’ve seen referred to on here before, I can assure you that it is not. This is a real concern I have especially now it looks like I am bringing ds up alone.

He sleeps, wakes only briefly in the night and settles within a few minutes. He’s had one evening ever of crying longer than 30 minutes. We were out on a walk today and an elderly couple began chatting. They kept saying they couldn’t believe how placid he was, asking me if he was always like this and it was so unusual. He was just looking round, unfazed.

He does cry sometimes but it’s brief. There is eye contact but sometimes he will ignore me completely. I might show him
something on a walk and it seems like he doesn’t know I am there. I can leave him to play for 20 minutes without him seeking attention.

Have I done something wrong? I hear so many stories of babies being tricky and crying a lot and developing needs for certain toys etc but ds isn’t like that. He will go with the flow and I have googled it over and over and I keep being told that basically he will have issues as he grows and be extremely hard to manage. On an emotional level I am not ok at the moment and I honestly don’t know what I would do if I end up having to manage a very difficult child on my own. I can’t relax at all as I feel he is just too laid back and suddenly he’s going to get bigger and like Google says, massive difficulties will start. Has anyone got experience of this and how I can prepare? I feel so alone and worried maybe I have caused this as I didn’t go out much after the break up with ds’s dad.

My DD has always been easy going since about 6 weeks old. She's generally well behaved listens to instructions and she's nearly 10. She's had her moments but she's fine.

Brittl · 10/05/2023 00:46

I'm not having another child DD was a fluke I'm convinced haha.

ScrollingLeaves · 10/05/2023 00:46

I have never heard or read that a placid, calm baby will be a troubled explosive older child.

You have a lovely, peaceful baby and he’ll will be perfectly normal.

Please don’t let this worry spoil this time with your lovely child.

Brittl · 10/05/2023 00:48

Also my DD wanted to learn to do her own washing , she helps with tasks event without asking she even brushed up some rice I dropped !!

rowanoak · 10/05/2023 00:55

Two of my babies were very chill and laid-back and easy like this. Now one of them is 6 and very hyperactive, constantly on the move, has had some emotional dysregulation and melt-downs but basically is a normal 6 year old boy with maybe some ADHD or sensory issues. (We are having him evaluated for all those things currently but it's not anything super severe.)

The other is 2 now and already going through his Terrible Twos earlier than my other kids ever did, and seems to have a stubborn streak but also is very happy and likes to sing and dance, etc. I think he just has to express himself a lot more now as the youngest of four, to be sure that enough attention is being paid to him.

My other two babies were both more "difficult" although nothing crazy. Now the oldest (age 8) is a perfect student, pretty perfect child, etc. And the middle one (age 4 and the only girl among the 4) is really wild and hyper, the most active out of all my children, with a more demanding temperament than my 6 year old who is having some issues.

But they are all just their own people with their own personalities and I love them all. I try to evaluate and help with any issues that might be having but in general they're just great. And all of this is to say that I couldn't really tell that they'd be like this as babies; it seems to be all over the board for then versus now. The only one who has ever always been a spitfire ever since she moved around inside me constantly is my girl. With my boys, how they were as babies doesn't seem to have much bearing on how they are currently. I think your son is just fine the way he is and will continue to be. :) Good luck.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 10/05/2023 01:00

I've got a lovely teenager who was an easy placid baby (the toddler years were interesting). He is NT for the record.

Enncee · 10/05/2023 01:03

Brittl · 10/05/2023 00:46

I'm not having another child DD was a fluke I'm convinced haha.

We had our second and actually said during the pregnancy, "it'll be easy because DC1 is so easygoing, this one will be the same." Nope, the child is on the go all day, into everything, already outsmarting us... 😂 Wouldn't change either of them though!

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 10/05/2023 01:11

Any thoughts, op?

SparklyBlackKitten · 10/05/2023 01:21

Jealous mums will tell you an easy baby will become a difficult child

As they... well.. are jealous haha

Ignore them

Your baby sounds easy. Enjoy it.
!!

chipswitheveryting · 10/05/2023 06:19

My youngest was like that, always really well behaved. He's 7 now and still, careful, cautious, quiet, intelligent And goes with the flow. Mine seems fine.

Hugasauras · 10/05/2023 06:27

How can those people on the walk know how placid a baby is from a short interaction on a walk?! So he was just looking around and not crying? Which is not exactly unusual behaviour! I imagine they were just making conversation, just like the 'oh he/she is so alert!' that you say about every small baby.

Livingonicecream · 10/05/2023 06:32

It sounds to me like what you really need is some adult company and reassurance. Unless you have been a lone parent, especially to a very young baby, it’s hard to understand how daunting and all encompassing the responsibility is. I’d join a couple of baby groups and speak to your HV. Having a laugh and sharing worries and your LO’s new achievements changes everything and gives you a new perspective. Not all placid babies go on to be ND, but if your child does, you’ll be able to cope as you’ll be a more experienced parent. Try not to analyse everything, you are doing a really hard job being everything to your child, and it’s important to give yourself some credit. Best of luck 💐

EmmaGrundyForPM · 10/05/2023 06:38

You could be describing my younger ds. He was an amazingly chilled out baby and toddler. He was happy, sociable, and a complete delight.

He stayed that way all the way into adulthood. He's now in his 20s and still lovely.

Remaker · 10/05/2023 06:46

It’s just something people say up to make themselves feel better - difficult baby will be an easy teen and vice versa. When their kid is being a ratbag they say oh she’s going to change the world. No she’s not she’ll just get a job and be ordinary like everyone else. There’s absolutely no science to it whatsoever.

My DD was an easy baby, easy toddler, easy kid and now easy teen. DS has always been a little more high needs but has not changed markedly in personality since he was born. Relax and enjoy your baby.

AltheaVestr1t · 10/05/2023 06:52

My DS was like this. Just a very chilled out, self-sufficient little person. He is 18 now, has a girlfriend and a job, is learning to drive, about to sit his A levels, and heading to Uni in September. He's barely given us a minutes trouble all his life. He's a treasure.

SunsetBeauregarde · 10/05/2023 07:03

I could have written this last year (in fact, I think I posted something very similar at the time! Grin)

My DS was exactly the same. Slept well, would happily sit where you put him and play with anything around him. Very rarely looked up for attention and most worryingly of all, never made any attempt to roll over, crawl or move at all although he could sit up. Meanwhile my friends little boy was crawling, following her round etc. I was so worried.

DS is 2 now, he never crawled, he suddenly walked at 11 months (although couldn’t stand himself up until about 15 months). He still concentrated on tasks, prefers puzzles to running around and at 26 months you could hold a full conversation with him in complete sentences. He’s mega easy going 90% of the time but he’s 2 so has proper meltdown tantrums like every other 2 year old.

Im not bragging, but he’s incredibly bright. He understands so much more than other kids his age who are more boisterous and active. He does struggle a bit socially with kids his age but he’s fine with slightly older children.

All this to say put google down, they’re all totally different and although I was as worried as you are now, what I wish I’d done is stopped worrying and just enjoyed my kid for who he is.

Ihaveshitfriends · 10/05/2023 07:12

My son was a very placid baby then an absolute whirlwind of a toddler and now is turning into a gentle young boy. They go through different stages try and enjoy him and don’t worry about what others are like.