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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Rude ladies at street party.

53 replies

KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 14:55

My username says it all really. I'm on dialysis while waiting for a new kidney. I do it from home (pd). I went to a street party yesterday and my two neighbours were talking about my dog. They first told me that he was my DPs dog, not mine, because DP takes him for a walk most of the time, mainly because I'm hooked up to a machine you know. They then inferred that I was lazy - I said, I walk him too sometimes, they said, where, just down the road, and were generally having a good laugh at my expense. I tried to laugh it off so as not to create a scene with the rest of our lovely neighbours. But I am dreadfully tired and dizzy all the time at the moment while I wait for a new organ.

But since I've come home, I've though about it a lot. I feel really worthless while waiting for this transplant, and I feel like I've been judged by two complete strangers to me. I don't look ill at all, and they would have no idea I was ill, but tbh, I didn't feel like explaining my medical health with them. On the one hand, maybe I should have explained why I'm not active at the moment but on the other hand, why should I? However, I now feel really uneasy about the whole episode. I feel dreadful and ill at the moment anyway as I can't sleep so my just be sensitive but I really I feel like these two women were tacky. I still don't know whether to explain myself now. My health feels like it should be allowed to be a private matter, but I don't want these women thinking I'm lazy.

YABU = I should have explained myself and my illness.

YANBU = they should have had more class and noy judged a stranger.

OP posts:
SchoolQuestionnaire · 08/05/2023 15:04

I’m sorry op. People can be dicks.Flowers

Leafytrees · 08/05/2023 15:08

Neither YABU or YANBU. I'm sure they wouldn't have said what they did if they knew what you were going through. You don't have to explain yourself or your medical situation, but it doesn't sound like they were being nasty either, more that they made an unfortunate joke.

Castlerock44 · 08/05/2023 15:09

So sorry Op you had to listen to two ignorant women. I know how exhausting dialysis is. Some people really are thoughtless dicks. Just ignore, and no, why should you have to explain. 💐

TidyDancer · 08/05/2023 15:12

I'm sorry you're feeling hurt by this OP.

I think you're looking at it from the position of knowing there's a reason for why you're not seen out very much and seeing them through those eyes. They instead are just commenting from the position of only seeing your DH walk the dog.

Were they rude? Yes a bit. But I think your medical situation is going to naturally make you more sensitive to comments related to your limitations. They would've been very rude if they'd known the reasons for you not walking your dog as much.

So I don't think YABU or YANBU tbh. No you shouldn't have to explain yourself if you don't want to, but I doubt they were judging you and it's not really an issue of them having class, just a silly comment.

YouNeverSeeTheRealMe · 08/05/2023 15:13

What horrible bitches, OP. I hope you get a transplant soon

HecticHedgehog · 08/05/2023 15:15

It's none of their business and you shouldn't have to explain yourself. I probably would have just to shut them up and embarrass them for being so rude.

Brunilde · 08/05/2023 15:20

Obviously we won't know how it was intended but it's possible they were trying to be light hearted, although a little over-familiar. It's the kind of thing I joke with my mum about as you'd never see her walking the dog. I can see how it would be upsetting given its not by choice but I'd try not be get upset about it.

Im socially awkward in that kind of situation where you have to mingle with people you barely know, maybe they just ran out of things to say and misjudged it.

In the grand scheme of things if you aren't close who gives a shit what they think.

Clarinet1 · 08/05/2023 15:24

As a fellow dialysis patient who is also on the transplant waiting list, I think these people were totally out of order. Whether or not you chose to tell them about your situation, they should have the decency to think that you might have some kind of medical condition. Also, walking the dog less doesn’t make it less yours! I bet Ddog is a great comfort in the darker
moments kidney disease.
Going forward I’d just give them a wide berth as they don’t seem very nice to know. I hope you get the transplant soon!

TheFlis12345 · 08/05/2023 15:27

I would have given them a very hard stare and pointed out that not all illnesses and disabilities are visible, before walking away with no further explanation.

KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 15:37

@TheFlis12345 this is exactly what I should have done. In the moment though, I just awkwardly laughed it off. They kept 'the joke' up for a good while though. One of our other neighbours even said, ' that's enough now' and changed the subject.

One of the neighbours is brand new - the other one isn't really my cup of tea. At risk of outing myself, we live on an estate and she has given her house a grandiose name instead of a number, like Jack and Vera's Duckworth. She was tolerable enough but seems to have been galvanised by the like minded new neighbour.

OP posts:
KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 15:38

@Clarinet1 I really hope you get your soon too. Its the only way to get our lives back.

OP posts:
aviatorsrus · 08/05/2023 15:38

All the best OP.
Stay strong ❤

LoonyLois · 08/05/2023 15:39

I’d have said something to shame them.

I have a chronic illness and can only work three days a week, any more and I can’t function. So I don’t have a lot of money. I’ve had people tell me go to back working full time. It’s only afterwards you think of comebacks isn’t it

JeannieAlogy · 08/05/2023 15:39

Sorry that you had to put up with this. I'm finding it hard to vote, however because YANBU and YABU...
Personally, I'd have explained in great detail why I wasn't able to walk the dog, just to see their faces (as a PP says, not all disabilities are visible ones). But equally they were rude and shouldn't have made nasty remarks.

KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 15:40

Jack and Vera Duckworth*

The old rectory!

OP posts:
Bonbon21 · 08/05/2023 15:42

Their opinion of you only matters if you value it.
And since it is, obviously, based on ignorance and malice.. what possible value could it have?
Rise above these small people ( otherwise known as bitches and bullies) ... they know nothing of you and your life.. dont waste your time and energy.
Stay strong and spend your time and energy on things that actually matter.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/05/2023 15:47

I think I would have told them just to make them feel really bad and make them uncomfortable and embarrassed. So my motivation would not be from a good place.

but you shouldn’t have to explain your medical condition to them. They sound horrible.

I hope you can get your transplant soon op. I’m so sorry these women have upset you.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 08/05/2023 15:52

Reframe it that you took the higher moral ground.
You could have dropped in about your illness and made them look and feel terrible.
That you didn't was a kindness.
At some point they will hear about your illness, put 2 and 2 together and mentally squirm for the rest of time hopefully.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 08/05/2023 16:06

What bitches!

Clarinet1 · 08/05/2023 16:17

KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 15:38

@Clarinet1 I really hope you get your soon too. Its the only way to get our lives back.

Thanks - absolutely - 6:30 tomorrow morning off I go to the unit again!

cstaff · 08/05/2023 16:44

I would have had to tell them but only because I can be a passive aggressive bitch and would have loved to see their cringe reaction. It also might make them think twice about bitchy comments they make in the future.

KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 16:45

Thank you all - you're right, I think they were being a bit rude but true they didn't have the full facts as it were. I just feel conscious that they obviously watch our household and goings on intently and have formed judgements. I think I'll just steer clear in future.

OP posts:
Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 08/05/2023 16:46

“I’m on dialysis, you pair of judgmental cunts,” is what I would have loved for you to have said. But I understand why you didn’t.

Fucking bitches.

MsFannySqueers · 08/05/2023 16:57

I am sorry this happened to you OP. It’s part of a larger problem in society at the moment. Many people are utterly selfish and lacking in common sense and empathy. Anyone with a modicum of either would probably put two and two together and realise there is a very good reason your husband does the majority of the dog walking. I don’t think it was up to you to inform them about your medical issues. I wish you all the best for the future OP.

KidneyWarrior · 08/05/2023 16:58

@Tiddlypomtiddlypom this comment is the stuff of dreams!

OP posts:
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