To ask how you came to terms with the fact a relative was not going to change

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My sister doesn’t treat me very well and I don’t think she has capacity or wish to change. I feel sad in some ways as our kids will never grow up knowing each other well or seeing each other as cousins aside from very occasionally at their grandparents house

DH is an only child so we’ve no other adult relatives of our age or even close which is sad to think about. My wish for closeness within the wider family is meaning I am putting up with unsavoury treatment from my sister when what I really need to do is accept she’s not going to change and come to terms with this. Does anyone have any tips?

You have to consider that if the time with your sister is not pleasant, why forge ahead? You can't change another person and not can you expect them to change for you. You need to accept the reality of the relationship and ultimately your sisters treatment towards you is likely, at some time, to pass onto your children. If you can't stand up for yourself, will you stand up when the behaviour is aimed at your kids?

You need to consider if the relationship is worth fostering and find healthy relationships elsewhere.

My dc have me and dh. Anyone else we are related to is too toxic to have around our dc..
Surely your job is to prevent them having relationships with arseholes op?

You are really right to see things that way and I think when they’re old enough to understand I’m not a very good role model if I allow her to treat me badly. I feel so intimidated (almost to the point of being sick and stomach doing flips) when I know I’m going to be spending time with her.

I can't bear either of my sisters so I decided to go NC with them two years ago.
Best decision of my life.

This sounds liberating. Do you not worry about not having any close relatives later in life?

No.
I have four children and they can't stand my sisters either.
It's much calmer not thinking about them.
I've blocked them on SM and blocked their email addresses.

People generally don't change. My sister was toxic, she always had been ever since we were children. She got worse in adulthood. I went NC with her about 15 years ago and never looked back. She probably wouldn't even recognise my son now, and I'd not recognise her children either, but that's a small price to pay to not have to deal with her. Our son is fine - he's got plenty of friends. Yes, it's a shame for him (and us really) not to have "family" gatherings at Christmas, birthdays, etc., but not having them is far better for everyone than us having to deal with my sister, her tantrums, her bitchiness, etc.

I have never got on with my brother so I don't see him. He hurt me a lot growing up, he's hard work. I don't need the aggro. We are now 50. By default my DC don't know their cousin.
Our parents are dead. My aunts, uncles and cousins are all over the country so I have no member of my side of the family that I ever see.
I am lucky to have a lovely BIL and SIL and two nephews on DH side so that will have to be enough for us.

I had therapy to help get toxic relatives out of my head and two things I learned were:

1. Would you tolerate the behaviour from a friend/your partner (i.e., someone you've chosen to have in your life)? If the answer is no then why would you be expected to tolerate it from someone else just because they're family? The label of "family" is not free license to treat you like crap.

1. You can (metaphorically) hold out your hand but you cannot control whether the other person takes it or not, your control starts and ends at the decision to offer your hand. It's not practical to go about life with one hand held out so at some point, in order to meet your own needs, you have to retract your hand and that's okay - you tried.

My therapist phrased it much better than that but it helped me come to the realisation that I'm not responsible for how other people treat me but I am responsible for my reaction to it and I can either challenge it, accept it, or walk away. I chose to walk away.

Agree with pp , people dont tend to change.

The best way I've coped with this is by mentally disconnecting from relatives who I know won't change . I've not gone NC with anyone but am what you would describe as low contact.

Not even sure how I've achieved this disconnection, but I think at some level you have to realise that if you spend your time worrying about this situation, or someone else's behaviour towards you, you're wasting your life doing so.

Effectively this means giving these people less headspace. Focus on the positive ppl in your life.

MIL is a toxic 🤬🤬🤬🤬 and only gets worse! I'm LC with her and kids are too - very sad for them but they can't stand her - we e tried sssooooo many times, she seems ok then bazinga- she is extremely unnecessarily rude (calling my hungry son a spoilt brat asking for another cookie when it was dinner time and DH/me sorting AA recovery stuff out, called DD fat, don't mention her saying to my 5 year old DS that he's always 'filthy' because he was playing in the garden all day and got a bit of a ride mark ... me and DH away so we couldn't sort it - unnecessary and now the kids don't want to stay. That's the tip of the iceberg too

I feel like this about my parents and I accept them for what they are. I limit my time with them and see them on my terms. I put more effort into my friendships where I feel my care and attention is reciprocated!

It's hard. My parents are never going to be how I'd want. I don't mean that in a controlling way, they just are not going to be any less self involved than they are. It's sad and I think there's always a bit of grieving for what you'd hoped for and expected.

It's hard when you have an ongoing relationship either because of others or because it's easier to not cut them off. Being careful how often you see them, in what circumstances and what you hope for and expect is key.

I try not to expect anything in terms of behaviour and treatment. It's doesn't always work! But I try.

Also I'm now trying to build up other relationships. I also really focus on living my best life and finding joy. I know that's a cliche, but it helps to know I'm not creating a cycle where I'm miserable and teat others badly.

Also the more you talk about it, on hear and in real life you realise that many people have this type of relationship and nit all families are perfect. This helps me realise its not me who is some how defective!

I literally kicked out anyone who was toxic in my life . friends , family including an adult child ! And family are the worst offenders as they think because you are related you'll simply take any amount of shit from them. My mental health just couldn't take anymore shit stirring and lies. it was really hard and yes I'm going to have very few people around me later in life but it's worth it .

☝this, I used to keep it to myself out of embarassment and was envious at what I saw as the perfect extended family many had that I've always wanted. However, having read on here about so many people with dysfunctional families I've been honest with people when it's come up. I was surprised at how many people have then opened up about their problem family members too!

That’s so true, this thread alone has made me feel better. Thank you

Dealing with this.

My choices were - family who look down on me project, deflect, shame, blame and smear me

Or...

No family, because they are all giving me the silent treatment.

It's very hard. How do I accept there is no option to sort things out.

They are so determined to hold on to their old perceptions of me to avoid asking themselves if they are averse to resolving conflict/defensive

100%! Sending you lots of love it’s so tricky

It’s the acceptance that is the hard part, I am a fixer and knowing I can’t fix somebody else’s approach and behaviour is difficult

I cut off anyone who is repeatedly toxic no matter who they are. Family or not.

Life is short to put up with people who make you feel bad. No matter what the reasons they have deep down. You can't fix it, you can just care for your own mental health.

It’s hard to accept they won’t change though

People rarely change.

However if you keep putting up with the crap then it's definitely not going to change. Why would it if you take what's being dished out?

That’s really true. I’ve read up about narcissism and obviously I’m not a psychiatrist but she ticks every single box which is upsetting but also know it’s on me to realise there’s no point continually putting my chin on the floor

That’s fair enough.

That’s a really useful perspective