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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how you came to terms with the fact a relative was not going to change

53 replies

horismallow · 08/05/2023 13:07

My sister doesn’t treat me very well and I don’t think she has capacity or wish to change. I feel sad in some ways as our kids will never grow up knowing each other well or seeing each other as cousins aside from very occasionally at their grandparents house

DH is an only child so we’ve no other adult relatives of our age or even close which is sad to think about. My wish for closeness within the wider family is meaning I am putting up with unsavoury treatment from my sister when what I really need to do is accept she’s not going to change and come to terms with this. Does anyone have any tips?

OP posts:
OrderOfTheKookaburra · 08/05/2023 23:51

One of my sisters absolutely WOULD respond and help in an emergency and that's what makes it so very sad. But in day to day life she is so bloody bossy she seems to think I am completely incapable of adulting and constantly lectures me on what I should be doing, down to the most minor of things.

She will always focus on the negative aspect of what I am saying rather than just sympathising (can't complain about a colleague's behaviour as I will just get a lecture on my inadequate people management skills, and not just be allowed to offload because that person is a dick and today I'd had enough). It's exhausting.

When I've pulled her up on it she is very tearful that I feel like this and manages to hold her tongue for a few weeks but then reverts back.

She doesn't INTEND to be horrid. She says she absolutely respects me as an adult and is gobsmacked at how I've felt over what she has said. A lot of it comes from being over protective of me as I've gone through some seriously horrid crap in my life.

I'm just so sad I can't just chat to her anymore because she always has to be right and the advisor. She is incapable of stopping, no matter how many times I have pulled her up on it and she has tried to reign it in. What is ridiculous is that they are about inconsequential things eg she likes being minimalist and she kept on lecturing me on reducing how much stuff I have even though I told her I would NEVER want to be minimalist like that. According to her when you need something you go out and buy only what you need. Never buy things on special, never buy the cheaper, larger pack, because you buy it ONLY when you absolutely need it or you might buy too much if you buy on special and have to (shock, horror) store it until you might need it again.... and she will go on and on and on about these stupid inconsequential things until I pretend I have to get off the phone due to x, y or z.

She's mildly bossy with another sibling that she is in contact with, and not at all bossy with a second. But the remaining siblings also have little to do with her because of what she is like.

I don't want to go NC, but I am just so sad that I can only talk about meaningless inconsequential things because it's hurtful when she behaves like this over things that actually matter to me.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/05/2023 23:58

I was doing amazingly well at close to no contact with my sibling - a hopefully temporary situation has put the mockers on this. The day I never have to see them again will be like a weight lifted

ZoraMipha · 09/05/2023 05:52

HamBone · 08/05/2023 22:34

This is a great way to approach family relationships, @ZoraMipha , I wish my Dad was like you!

This is the approach we’ve taken with DH’s family, they’re all nice enough people, but we know that we couldn’t turn to his parents or siblings in an emergency or crisis, they simply wouldn’t help us, because they don’t care that much. So we have no expectations of them, we’re all nice to each other on a superficial level-but good friends are the people we can rely on.

It makes me abit sad if I think about it as I’d like to be part of a close knit family so I deliberately don’t think about it. Brooding wouldn’t change anything.

I have just found a lot of comfort in friends to be honest and I find that I love my best friends in just the same way as family.

I'm part of a close-knit friendship group and really that is a family :)

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