To ask how you came to terms with the fact a relative was not going to change

[horismallow]

My sister doesn’t treat me very well and I don’t think she has capacity or wish to change. I feel sad in some ways as our kids will never grow up knowing each other well or seeing each other as cousins aside from very occasionally at their grandparents house

DH is an only child so we’ve no other adult relatives of our age or even close which is sad to think about. My wish for closeness within the wider family is meaning I am putting up with unsavoury treatment from my sister when what I really need to do is accept she’s not going to change and come to terms with this. Does anyone have any tips?

Honestly, you don't need to feel guilty about cutting contact.
It's absolutely your choice. If you think you'd feel calmer and happier without your sister in your life, cut her off.

Ahh I'm sorry, @horismallow it is so difficult to realise the idea of what you would like them to be like is not the behaviour you see. Imagine the advice you would give a friend and remember to be kind to yourself.

Thank you. Do you ever review it with yours? Or is it your final choice?

Just occasionally, I ask myself if I'd like to see my older sister.
Then I remember what she did to me and my children, and what she has said about other people (so I know she'd be saying similar things about me) and I shrug. And realize that I do not need that cruelty and negativity in my life.

Also, I know perfectly well that my children cannot bear either of my sisters. So I've thing them they I do not even want my sisters at my funeral.

The best way I've coped with this is by mentally disconnecting from relatives who I know won't change . I've not gone NC with anyone but am what you would describe as low contact.

@Hadroncollideer This is how I cope with my elderly Dad (85). He’s often horrible to me, but I know he only has a few years left so I help and support him, but I’m emotionally detached. When he’s being horrible, it just washes over me. I know my Auntie feels the same way, she helps because he’s old and unwell, but he’s destroyed any feeling we had towards him. 🤷

I distanced myself from my sister more than 10 years ago and have never regretted it. She died last year without us having any kind of reconciliation, my brother keeps trying to make me feel bad about myself for this. I don’t and I won’t. If he keeps pushing it, I’ll grey rock him too.

i recommended this book

https://amzn.eu/d/a3aU2z1

I'm with @Bargellobitch on this.

With my family members who i cant / wont go NC with.
i just very carefully manage any/all interactions to set us up for minimum friction / maximum success. Sometimes it works sometimes not.

I also imagine they are characters (like in immersive theatre) not real people and then i care alot less when they say horrific things because i find it funny.

One family member congratulated me on my baby dd not having "a scrap of fat on her" and that it was good she wouldnt have weight problems like i do . It just nuts. You cant take it seriously...

I accept my family for who they are and I love them all, but mostly I try not to place expectations on them. They are who they are and some of them are very different to me. Thats OK.

I have filled a lot of gaps by making good, solid friendships who have a more similar outlook to me.

I spent 50 years chasing after my mother begging her to love me. She never changed, consistently choosing the sibling who abused and SA'd me over me. She's been gone 13 years now; I am NC with my 3 siblings. The abuser is dead to me, one brother is as narcissistic as my mother was, and the third? His wife became so verbally abusive to me that I had to go NC with them as well.

It's been years and years of therapy to accept that there was NEVER anything I could have done to change them and that continuing to allow them to treat me with anything left than respect was killing me. I don't really miss them anymore. I miss the illusion that our family was fine and I just needed to find the right key to fit in. I mourn the family I should have had and didn't. But I am so much more content now, and the energy I'm no longer spending on them is being poured into my 19 year old niece and the baby she's giving birth to on Friday. I feel at peace with it all now.

ugh LESS than!

Thank you for this thread op. I feel a lot of grief for my family set up not being what I hoped it would be, I'm grateful for a lot in my life but I always expected different relationships which are just not possible with the family members I have. It's useful to read the way others deal with it.

@wychiep00 ☕💐

I’m not going into specifics but you really need to work hard. You need to almost mourn that the relative that you’d ideally like doesn’t exist and the relative who you have is reality. Once that’s done you you’ll find it easier to not look at said relative in a wistful manner, wanting the close family because the reality of what you want can’t happen because they aren’t that person.

Build your own life and accept you arent friends.

I dont know how to do that. I'm on my second therapist now. Still no idea how to give up.

Stop eating your time.

There’s two types of family…. Those related by blood, those who choose to be.

Focus on those who choose to be. Blood is thicker, but can just bing up the works if it’s not the right kind.

I binned off my entire family about 15 years ago. I have no regrets. I have a happier life filled with people who care, that I care about. My sister and father, are very welcome to each other and think I’m the odd one out. I’m fact I stepped outside my family bubble of weirdness to understand what they have/do/behave like, isn’t normal, healthy or good for anyone.

This is a great way to approach family relationships, @ZoraMipha , I wish my Dad was like you!

This is the approach we’ve taken with DH’s family, they’re all nice enough people, but we know that we couldn’t turn to his parents or siblings in an emergency or crisis, they simply wouldn’t help us, because they don’t care that much. So we have no expectations of them, we’re all nice to each other on a superficial level-but good friends are the people we can rely on.

It makes me abit sad if I think about it as I’d like to be part of a close knit family so I deliberately don’t think about it. Brooding wouldn’t change anything.

My priority is raising my children to be healthy, happy, well rounded individuals.
Them listening to adults spewing toxicity and seeing their mother accept being treated poorly because “family" is very damaging for them. So the toxic people are completely cut off.
They chose the behaviour, they chose the consequences.

I’ve had this with my mother. I have excepted that she is who she is and she can’t and won’t change. I’ve still had to go no contact with her though because I found her toxicity too much. She’s fine most of the time, but I’m so on edge walking on eggshells and dreading her next attack that I find it emotionally damaging to be in her company. It’s not what I’d choose, but for the sake of my own self preservation I’ve been left with no other option.

Absolutely the same situation here, hugs to you xxx

I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this as well, @Sunnycornwallanddevon. It’s so frustrating, because you just want to have a nice relationship with them for the remaining years, but they can be so nasty! It’s not cognitive issues such as dementia, it’s bad temper and enjoying having a go at someone!

One of my friends has problems with her Mum and we’ve agreed that at least we’re learning how NOT to behave towards our adult children. 😂

Totally agree! It's so sad and depressing, the Stately Homes thread on here has helped me enormously, have you ever looked at it? xx

So much great advice on this thread.
I am lucky to live in a different country to my relatives so maintaining ‘low contact’ is very easy.
I used to dread having to go back for family occasions but since my father died 2 years ago (my mother died some years before him) I finally feel free!